Advice for Asian Men, Black Women, and Other People "No One" Wants to Date

5/31/2016

Last week, Franchesca Ramsey of MTV's Decoded posted this video about why "no one" wants to date Asian men, while Asian women are highly desired, sometimes to the point of being fetishized.

Meanwhile, OkCupid has released data showing who is the most and least desired in online dating:

Men don’t write black women back. Or rather, they write them back far less often than they should. Black women reply the most, yet get by far the fewest replies. Essentially every race--including other blacks—singles them out for the cold shoulder.

Let me start by pointing out a few flaws with this information:

1. Sorry, Franchesca, but the reason Asian women are so popular isn't because of some play someone wrote six hundred years ago, and I'm disappointed by the complete lack of science in your video. Because, look. From an evolutionary standpoint, Asian women are the most feminine-looking women. They are petite, meaning that even short guys can date them and still be taller. They are, on average, more slender than other women. This, like it or not, is considered attractive in our culture. Asian women have less body hair -- which is an unconscious signal of youth (albeit prepubescent). Many Asian women also tend to look young for their age -- and youth is a powerful biological sign of fertility.

2. Similarly, the reason Asian men are so unpopular is probably related most strongly to height. Women generally prefer to date men who are taller than they are -- and there isn't one culture we've ever studied, anywhere in the world, in which height is not considered attractive in men. (Not to mention: every inch of your height is worth $789 per year -- which, compounded, is hundreds of thousands of dollars over a lifetime.) Women aren't the only problem, either. A lot of men aren't confident enough to date a woman who is taller then he. The average Asian male is 5'5-5'8. The average White American male is 5'10.

Lots of guys, from triggered MRAs to frustrated short dudes, feel that there is an unfair double standard against them. Why, they wonder, is it okay for women to say, "No short dudes," but it's unacceptable for men to say, "No fat chicks"?

3. Ta-Nehisi Coates pointed out in The Atlantic that the OKC data isn't necessarily representative of Black preferences. He writes,

"When black folks date online they don't go to OKcupid. They go to blacksingles. They go to soulsingles. Or if they're truly high post, they go to EliteNoire.

Black people who are going to a site like OKcupid are generally black people who, with some exceptions, are open to interracial dating. But the same isn't true of white people on OKcupid."

THAT SAID, it is absolutely very true that many people struggle when trying to date online, both because other users aren't replying to their messages, and because they are being filtered out of search results.

This sucks, and I'm sorry.

But here's the good news:

Your prospects might not be as bleak as you think.

See, people think they know what they want in a romantic partner -- but studies show otherwise. In Click: The Magic of Instant Connections, Ori and Rom Brafman discuss a speed dating study in which participants were first asked to fill out a questionnaire about what was important to them in a dating partner...

And then, post-event, participants were asked who they actually went out on a date with. Who did they go on two dates with? Who were they still dating six months later?

The researchers found little correlation between what people thought mattered... and what actually mattered.

Still, scientists have basically no idea why we love the people we love. Biological anthropologist Helen Fisher has some interesting ideas -- but her "Anatomy of Love" personality test is far from complete.

Maybe someday, someone will figure out how to predict chemistry -- and that person will be an instant billionaire. But for now, we have no idea.

Which is why, despite finding someone's photo to be attractive, you might not be attracted to them in real life.

But it's also why online dating doesn't work for people from certain groups.

We think it's important to us to date a tall, white man, or a short, Asian woman...

So we filter our search results to only show men of a certain race and over a certain height.

We only reply to Asian women's messages.

But if you meet someone in real life, there is no telling what will happen. We are impossibly bad at predicting who we're going to end up with.

Case in point: me.

I can obviously only write from my experience is a thin, pretty white woman. BUT.

I've previously written about how incredibly lucky I have been in love. I've dated some of the most amazing men, most of whom continue to make me proud and take my breath away.

But, honestly, I don't think I would have dated a single one of them if we'd met online.

Because, all else equal (i.e., we haven't met yet), I would want to date a super intelligent, super compassionate, 6'5 or taller athlete who loved the outdoors, theater, and eating burritos and Chinese food four or more times per week. Who is also really good at music, and can even maybe write songs with me. It wouldn't hurt if he were also good-looking.

This describes none of the people I've dated.

I've dated a White guy who was 5'10 and loved engineering and little else. I've dated a 5'9 Asian guy who hated all things outdoors, but could totally rock out with me on the piano. I've dated a 6'5 guy with a hairy back and a big belly who loved basketball and Chinese food. I've dated a 6'0 guy who loved all things outdoors but was completely tone deaf. I've dated a 5'10 Indian guy who was super smart; he didn't do a single one of the other things on my list, but he was always down to try anything. I've dated a super tall, muscular Army guy who never went to college, but was easily among the smartest guys I've ever met (you probably learn as much in a few weeks of bootcamp as you do in your first two years of college, anyway).

Do they fit my prototype? No. Not at all. The only thing any of these guys have in common is incredible intelligence and compassion. The rest of the stuff on my list did not actually matter. I thought it did -- but once we start talking in person and feeling that chemistry, everything else flies out the window.

Nevertheless... If I were going to look for someone new, and it were going to be online... I would use search filters to see only the guys I'll statistically be the most compatible with. It is the only rational way to use online dating. I can't sit and sort through thousands and thousands of profiles. I have to limit them in some way.

And I know -- not based on anecdotal evidence, but on decades of psychology research -- that I am most likely to get along with someone who is like me. In real life, opposites do not attract.

Therefore, it doesn't make sense for me to ask OkCupid to show me EVERYONE. It makes sense for OkCupid to only show me cis men who are highly educated (you don't have to have gone to college to be smart, but it's a strong correlate); who are active (as in, physically fit and not overweight) and adventurous; who are politically moderate; and who are like me in appearance (white, tall, similarly attractive -- and OKC's algorithms try to make sure that 9's see 9's; 7's see 7's; etc.) and socioeconomic status.

Because these are the people who are most likely to like me, and to whom I am most likely to be compatible.

This isn't, as Franchesca would call it, "sexual prejudice." (For the record, there is no such thing as sexual prejudice. There is prejudice, and there is sexual preference.) It's simply science. Psychology research shows that we are most likely to like people who are like us.

But obviously, there are unpredictable exceptions. You can have incredible chemistry -- incredible instant connections -- with the least expected people, at the least expected times.

That Indian guy I dated? We met when I snuck into the hot tub at his apartment complex -- he saw my flop down over the bushes on his side of the fence, and was like WTF? And then the sparks started flying. Last thing I expected to happen.

That Army guy who never went to college? We met when I was getting out of the Caribbean Sea after a long snorkel, and he was drinking a beer on the beach. The first two weeks we knew each other, he couldn't stop talking about the moment he first saw me -- "You were like a mermaid!"

(He was sitting when we met, so I assumed he was shorter than me -- didn't stop the chemistry.)

I met the round guy playing pickup basketball; I met the Asian guy in my dorm.

They are all the last person I would have expected to fall for -- until I did.

But only because we met in real life.

So my advice to people who haven't fared well online... is the same advice I'd give anyone, regardless of race, height, weight, or any other factors:

Don't limit yourself to online dating!

I know it's 2016 -- but I think the best way to meet new people is still the old-fashioned way: in real life.

There are no filters in real life.

In the age of on-demand food and entertainment -- in the age of the shut-in economy -- many people don't think they "know" how to meet people in real life.

Start by doing what you love -- we like people who are like us, right? The people you meet at ultimate frisbee or salsa night already have at least one thing in common with you!

Next, focus on staying mindful in your everyday life. Appreciate everyday miracles. Ask, "Why not?"

Now, think about how connected you are to the people around you. Do you make eye contact with people on the train, or do you stare at your smartphone the whole ride? Do you volunteer in your community? Do you ask your neighbors if you can borrow a cup of sugar?

Are you involved in meetups? Adult sports leagues? Do you attend classes and lectures out of interest? Or do you mostly just stay home?

Here are a few other pieces of advice I've shared about meeting new people -- which, again, aren't specific to any particular group. They apply equally well to everyone. Heck, I do these things (I try not to give advice that I wouldn't follow myself) -- and, EDIT: I later basically copy-pasted this advice into my June 2016 post, 8 Surefire Ways to Meet New People This Summer:

1. Become a regular.

There are three criteria for forming new friendships: proximity; regular, unplanned interactions; and openness/vulnerability.

If you become a regular -- whether at 7pm Monday/Wednesday pickup basketball or Tuesday night karaoke at a certain bar or mornings at a specific coffee shop, becoming a regular will help you satisfy one of the criteria for making new friends.

2. Get involved.

Part of the reason people have fewer friends and meet fewer people than ever now is because our social circle consists of existing friends and their friends. We're not volunteering. We're not going to church. We're not members of community organizations.

Entertainment increasingly takes place inside the home, where people watch Netflix and login to OkCupid.

No wonder we're so darn lonely. No wonder it's "so hard to meet new people."

3. Learn how to be more playful.

Almost everyone I've ever dated is someone I met while playing -- basketball, volleyball, rock climbing, snorkeling, scuba diving, attending a book reading, etc. When we play, we feel more social. We feel energized. And we're activating many of the same neural pathways as the human sexual response does (see also: Why a Terrifying First Date is Better Than a "Nice" One).

Problem is, playfulness isn't a trait -- it's a skill. And most millennials don't really know how to play. But the great thing about skills is that you can learn them! Get started today.

4. Go for walks.

Not only is walking for two minutes for every hour of sitting and/or fifteen minutes after every meal one of the healthiest, best things you can do for your body...

It's also a great way to meet new people -- people in your neighborhood. People who work near you. People you could be friends with or fall in love with.

Love is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to fall in love. And if you spend your fifteen-minute breaks walking around the block instead of scrolling through your newsfeed, who knows what amazing thing could happen?

See also: The Christmas Lights are Down, But You Can Still Do Wind Chime Walks.

5. Break your social media addiction.

We are accustomed to instant arousal. Instant (but passive) entertainment. Be an active participant in your own life. Break the addiction -- either by setting aside time each day to walk, socialize in real life, or something else, OR by downloading a plugin that prevents you from wasting too much of your life online.

You will be happier, healthier and more creative. And you will be more likely to meet new people. Which feed into each other, creating an awesome cycle.

6. Network.

Contrary to what Everyday Feminism might say, networking isn't an "entitled white person" thing. It's beneficial to everyone -- especially women and people of color.

This will help you expand your professional opportunities, but it will also help you meet more people. Don't go to networking events to hit on people -- that's a little weird. Just go with an open mind. You never know what can happen.

7. Stop (or cut back on) watching porn.

Not only is porn kind of bad for you (it leads to loneliness, sexual dysfunction, arousal addiction and worse sex) and kind of unethical and coercive (at least, from a human subjects/IRB perspective)...

But it also makes you less likely to meet new people. Why bother going out (which takes energy) and trying to meet new people (and risk rejection), when you could just stay home and jerk it?

If you watch less porn, you'll be more motivated to try to find what you want in life... in real life. Instead of online.

8. Improve your charisma.

Charisma isn't an art -- it's a science. The science of truly engaging with people and making them feel great when they're around you. Which will make them want to be around you more.

To get started, I recommend These Specific Behaviors Will Make You More Charismatic, Starting RIGHT Now. If you like it, you should read The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, by Olivia Fox Cabane.

This will help you do and feel better in all areas of your life, not just your love life.

***

People think they know what they want -- and when they date online, they are able to filter out everyone who doesn't match their criteria.

But people are impossibly bad at predicting who they will actually fall in love with. Statistically, we're most likely to like people who are like us -- but real life is full of curveballs. And there are a lot more ways to be "like us" than we realize.

Online dating is one way to meet new people. But for anyone who's struggling online... it's really worth making the extra effort to put yourself out there in real life.

Real life isn't scripted. It isn't edited. And you never know what could happen.

At the very least, STOP initiating online conversations with "hi" or "hey" -- try this instead.

I leave you with these pictures of very sexy Asian men -- because is there any good reason not to?

Steven Yeun, aka Glen from The Walking Dead. Maggie is a lucky lady.

John Cho and Kal Penn as Harold and Kumar, in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Do yourself a favor and watch (or re-watch) ASAP. Also, don't miss the Christmas episode.

Daniel Dae Kim, who played Jin-Soo Kwon in Lost.

James Kyson, who played Ando in Heroes. I also thought Hiro was really attractive, but in less of a "sexy" way, and more of a sweet and loving sort of way.

And while we're talking about Heroes -- Mohinder, amirite?

Dr. Suresh was played by Sendhil Ramamurthy.

Monty Green, from The 100, played by Christopher Larkin.

Sam Yam, Founder and President of Patreon. (Support the arts, y'all.)

The Easiest Way to Create a Website. Weebly.com

109 Comments

Johhny Wolstein

8/28/2016 09:40:33 pm

Few things sounds more ignorant than an attractive white woman's attempt to give dating advice.

Eva Glasrud link

9/2/2016 10:10:22 am

Yes, because all I am is an attractive white woman. I don't have two Stanford degrees or research experience in gender psychology and adult play behavior. What are your qualifications, Johnny Wolstein? "Lived experience?" I know SJWs hate experts, but experts are experts for a reason.

Lydia

8/19/2017 01:25:53 am

I actually understand where you were trying to go with this article. I think you seemed to ignore a lot of important details and nuances and generalized them. I think the point Johnny and others make is that you don't seem too see it from the perspective of a minority, and you are only presenting data in your comments and in your article that support your own views, instead of trying to get input from others who have experienced dating as a minority, or simply getting data from both sides to be objective.

Black women and Asian men are seen as less attractive across the board even off screen. (I have some sources below.) There's a lot of biases and stereotypes out there and thinking someone bigoted enough to reject someone on their race in the first place would be more receptive after meeting them in public is totally ludicrous. Sexual racism is very real, from fetishization to rejecting a person based solely on their race. To say you're "not attracted to black women" or Asian men or any other group is racist because you're lumping together and entire group of people based on the few you've met. There's no logic to saying you're not attracted to an entire group of people because you haven't met an entire group of people. It's the same generalization as saying "All Latinas have a hot temper" or "all black women are ghetto". That's where the problem lies for many minorities in the dating world. Individuals are told they aren't enough simply because of the groups they belong to and the color of their skin.

I can understand why so many people in your comments are angry. You may have some great degrees and be really smart but instead of listening to the people who oppose you, you become even more entrenched in your own viewpoints. I'm an Ivy League student myself. I'm going into my freshman year at Northwestern. My dad just so happens to be a psychiatrist from an Ivy League (Princeton), my mother was a psychiatric nurse for years, my brother also specializes in psychology and went to Princeton, and most of my family are involved in mental health in some capacity. I have never heard anyone with a strong background in psychology and the human psyche say that sexual racism doesn't exist and that it is actually just a preference. Preferences are definitely different from sexual racism, which happens. When a person says they don't date black people or white people or Latina people, it isn't a preference. It's racist. Point blank. Preferences are real in dating, but they're not the same as sexual racism. You can have a preference for blue eyes, brown hair, tall men, short men, whatever, but completely rejecting an entire group based on their appearance or a common trait (in this case their racial background) is not a preference. It's discrimination. It's pretty much the definition of discrimination. And it isn't just race either; saying you'd only date people without glasses or people who are exactly 6'3" is basically discrimination too, as weird or unusual it may sound. Excluding a an entire group in any circumstance is not okay and is not the same as a preference. People use the word preference as a euphemism. "I prefer not to date black women" is less harsh than "I don't date black women" or "I'm not attracted to black women". I've seen many people use the word "preference" as an excuse to disqualify an entire group of people based on stereotypes. You can't just lump a genuine preference in with fetishizing or excluding an entire group of people. Being a fetish for some creepy dude individual or being labeled as undesirable because of your race is very different from being less preferable because of your eye color or hair color. The distinction between preferences and sexual racism should continue to become more clear cut as people begin to sit down and genuinely ask themselves why they reject an individual based on the stereotypes of the masses. When you said psychology proved we are attracted to people like us, you were right, however that's one of many factors of attractiveness, and race has been proven to be a factor. There's not as much data on race and attractiveness as there is on other subjects concerning race and race relations, but it's still there. I linked a couple. Most have little blurbs of random commentary attached. The numbers are there. And it's not just on OkCupid.

For a long time I simply didn't date black men. I even said things along the lines of "I'm not attracted to black men," or "I prefer white men", or "I prefer not to date black men". I was willing to admit I was being a bigot. I'm mixed, and my own feelings about being black American vs. an immigrant second/generation African (I think the difference between being black in America and being African in America is similar to the contrast of being a white person who has had a long line of ancestors is the U.S. already vs. someone immigrating recently- definitely a different experience to grow up with a distinct culture vs. making your

Liu

12/28/2017 01:06:38 am

@Lydia
I agree with everything you said, but I think Eva has a few good points in the advice she gave. All the comments are too focused on attacking her Eurocentric point of view and the original purpose of the article is long lost. As an Asian American man, I have experienced my share of racism in the dating game. However, I have to point out that racism nowadays is NEVER clear cut. It would be a full time job if I tired prove racism every time I suspect it.

Racism or not... the fact of the matter is online dating for mintoritity groups, particularly AA women and Asian men, tends to decrease self-esteem and have negative impact on self-imagine (and downstream negative consequences blah blah blah) when sexual racism is subjectively experienced. I have no research to back this up, just common sense. These consequences are what’s important to me, not splitting hair on what constitutes sexual racism. And this is where I feel frustrated because Eva’s advice is in the right ball park, but I feel everyone stopped listening as soon as a hint of white privilege pops up.

So for those who stumbled onto this page feeling loveless and defeated by your online dating experiences, take a break from the internet. Don’t allow experiences of rejection to damage how you see yourself. Know that attractiveness is often subjectly judged based on an Eurocentric standard that a MAJORITY of the population does not fall under. Hopelessness and shutting yourself out to the rest of the world are often the real culprits that maintains loneliness. Stay active and notice signs of depression because it is a malicious cycle.

Shell

10/30/2020 05:23:52 pm

It’s ironic that you say Asian women appear more feminine, if the Black woman is least desirable, why are so many women getting fake butts, lip injections and high cheek bones, which are all african attributes. African woman is less desirable due to the stigma of race embedded in our racist society.

Gena L Miller

12/31/2016 07:50:53 pm

I am sorry but the writing here that I accidentally came across is from a person who feigns knowledge. 2 degrees does not a researcher make. There is dangers is saying you are an expert and then writing mostly your opinion about subjective things like attractiveness. As a person who is not easily offended. This was painful to read that someone who describes themself as "attractive" is writing uninformed ramblings. Ramblings of an "attractive" person who pretends to be more. You may want to go back for that third degree as it is the most important when claiming to be a researcher and an expert in anything, it is also the one that reveals you know very little in this world...a dose of humility for a cocky entitled person.

1/8/2017 09:03:52 am

It's interesting how you pretend to make an academic argument -- even using words like "degrees" and "knowledge" -- but fail to present a single unique idea or study that disputes the ideas in this article.

I am quite informed on this topic, but I'm open to discussing further, if you have any actual thoughts about it. Honesty, anyone who gets offended because I'm attractive, and uses my attractiveness as a way to discount my ideas, is probably a sexist bigot who doesn't deserve my time. But I'm willing to give you the benefit of a doubt.

Did you have any actual thoughts about this article, Gena? Or should we talk about me more?

Gromm

1/4/2018 04:28:10 pm

Ugh. You know what? I hand out this same advice all the time. The reason for that is because on paper, I'm one of the least attractive people you could meet. Aside from being tall, I'm a scrawny, nerdy guy with glasses and acne who can't grow a beard worth a damn.

But when I get off my ass and out into the real world, I really don't have a lot of trouble connecting with like-minded people. For basically every reason she lists here. Dating online has generally been a disaster, in spite of how damn much I've been doing it.

Just meet people. Make friends with no intention of dating anybody. Lots of friends. This either turns into a matchmaking social network, or you just come across as being a confident, fun person to be around, and you don't smell of loneliness and desperation. I can't recommend this enough.

LoneJohn

1/3/2017 09:23:42 pm

your data on height is flawed. The average American female is 5 ft 5 in. Asia is mighty big continent and men in northern China are some of the the tallest in the world, South Koreans are like 5'9" - 6 foot. . You see a lot of 5'10" and above Asians in America, because of better health care and nutrition. My gym is full of tall and ripped/buff Asian dudes

Media representation has a HUGE influence on who find who attractive and Asian guys are clearly not well-represented in that area.

Me think you need to do a lot more research.

1/8/2017 08:59:17 am

There might be a small sampling bias with a statement like, "My gym is full of tall and ripped/buff Asian dudes." Aside from it being anecdotal, it's kind of like saying, "Women on my basketball team are all in the 6-foot range."

If you have a dataset that shows the data I used is incorrect, I'd like to see it. I was using data collected from 2011-2014 and published by the CDC (https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_03/sr03_039.pdf).

1/8/2017 09:13:40 am

Also, for what it's worth, there may be super tall individuals throughout China and South Korea, but there are no Asian countries among the World's Ten Tallest Countries (men):

Netherlands - 1.838m
Montenegro - 1.832m
Denmark - 1.826m
Norway - 1.824m
Serbia - 1.82m
Germany - 1.81m
Croatia - 1.805m
Czech Republic - 1.8031m
Slovenia - 1.803m
Luxembourg - 1.799m

Jordan

1/22/2017 02:59:46 pm

I dont understand how you can say sexual preference is just science. I feel like there are social constructs in play in a lot of people that could open the door to possible sexual prejudice, like those brought up in racist families not being attracted to black people etc.

4/7/2017 01:20:45 pm

It's both. There are some "beauty standards" that have been found to be highly culturally learned... and others that seem universal, including:

- facial and physical symmetry
- not having gray hair
- .7 waist-to-hip ratio in women
- height in men
- traits that are indicative of good genes and health
- no visible disabilities
- clear skin (related to the previous point)

I wouldn't say that being brought up in a racist family and not being attracted to black people is a form of sexual prejudice. That's just prejudice, don't you think? Whereas if you have no racist feelings towards black people, but simply aren't attracted to black women, that alone doesn't make you a racist.

Playful Patty

5/2/2017 09:25:08 am

I find it interesting that many argue there are objective beauty standards on the fact that many people across the world have similar qualifications (symmetry, height in men, etc.). It seems to me that, because there's no known evolutionary excuse for these biases at this point, the default conclusion would be that this is proof we come from a unified culture at some point in history - when there were few humans and we lived in proximity.

Ching Chong

5/2/2017 11:56:56 am

I agree on an individual scale it's only prejudice and not racist. But when a cultural system gives higher value to one race over another (which you agree happens by acknowledging the existence of "racist families") that system does harm reproductive ability for the lower rated races. This is systematic racism! While as an individual you are entitled to your own feelings, when those feelings are decided for you by growing up around racists you are perpetuating racism rather than participating in it. Not any nobler; It's akin to those who didn't personally own slaves because they thought it was wrong for them, but also didn't do anything about slavery. Penny for your thoughts here?

John

9/24/2017 12:51:51 am

Isn't patriarchy just science? Men are physically stronger than women, why shouldn't they be naturally dominant in other spheres of life too? Does that make it ok to have in modern life?

Demi link

12/18/2017 09:03:36 pm

Eva do like things said about getting out people.

Fuck you

3/8/2017 08:17:16 pm

Get over yourself. What's funny is, you're not that attractive to me. In fact, you're really fucking ugly. You're trying to come off like you got all the facts, but you don't. Stop writing about articles you obviously know nothing about. Fuck off.

4/7/2017 01:23:29 pm

Article got your panties up in a bunch, huh? Given your inability to form coherent, rational sentences and ideas, I'm glad you're (supposedly) not attracted to me.

I know for a fact I'm not "really fucking ugly." Objectively, I am very attractive. And, subjectively, I also find myself quite attractive. (Most men I know would agree. As in, all but one.)

I'm not going to "stop writing articles" just because some internet troll says I should. If you're jealous or whatever, you should start a blog. It's a great source of passive income, and helps me spend 3-4 months a year traveling. :)

Nicola

4/9/2017 04:23:46 am

For what it's worth, which is probably not much, I don't think you're ugly at all. Actually quite the opposite. I also think that you're one of the most intelligent, down to earth and common sense no bullshit person I've ever read on the internet and those are all qualities I would highly value in a prospective partner.

Reply to fuck you

6/11/2017 07:00:00 pm

Yea, she's kind of ugly in the face and I think she's a red head but that's besides the point. It's about race and that probably nobody filters out her race or feel the need too.

6/12/2017 09:13:38 am

Hahaha, aww! Am I supposed to take a comment about my appearance personally, when you don't even know what color my hair is??? You're adorable.

I can tell from your comment that you're the kind of person I would never date. You don't seem like you'd be smart enough for someone like me. Beautiful, intelligent, athletic, and interesting women don't have time for stupid guys. And I'm guessing that's not the only strike you've got going against you...

7/21/2017 10:39:25 am

Hi again, Jasmine,

I wrote a thing recently you might like -- and I mentioned you in it! Enjoy!

www.thehappytalent.com/blog/7-reasons-i-feel-sorry-for-people-who-call-me-ugly

Opiniated onion

3/9/2017 09:45:59 am

Not a bad article from your opinion and experience. You do touch some good points about asian and black males.

But I would like to point out western society has always been envious and jeoulous of asian and african males. Hence all the abuse blacks get from white males in authority. And all the portrayal of short nerdy asins that never get the any girls on white tv.

But alas, whites are an ignorant and easily manipulated breed. Black men are stealing white women, and whites are taking the asians man's leftover trash, thus creating a society that will future benefit these mixed minorities and destroy the white race .

4/7/2017 01:27:20 pm

I can see that. I mean, the "White Men Can't Jump" study showed that white men literally can't jump in front of black men, because the black man makes them insecure about their vertical. What else might he make them feel insecure about?

I feel like I've been seeing more Asian dudes "getting the girl" in the media -- which is great. I just got back from a three-month trip to Southeast Asia, where I saw a TON of incredibly attractive men. I decided that people who don't find Asian men attractive... probably don't know a lot of Asian men.

Samantha

4/11/2017 09:23:51 pm

Youre a fuckin idiot. Nobody is jealous and envious of black and asian males. You are projecting your envy and hatred of the white guy. Also, people date who they want and just because you cant control who people prefer doesnt mean that people are desperate because they arent an obviously insecure and racist fool like you.

A conservative

5/1/2017 12:57:15 am

Well white men have been demonized for a while as evil racist people. The new president just made things worse for the image of white men.

These are a few of the reasons why some white woman may avert from white men but Eva isn't one of them in fact, she mentions that she dates white men. Therefore she is NOT insecure or racist.

If fact Samantha, I'd be willing to accuse YOU of being the insecure racist.

11/29/2017 03:08:55 pm

White men age faster than their women these days, on average, as to some White women ditch them for minority men with whom they can keep up with because they age slower.

11/29/2017 03:06:36 pm

There are no leftover Asian women due to the fact many get murdered from infancy to adulthood, meaning White males stealing Asian women from their Asian husbands or boyfriends who can easily kick their butts since they know martial arts.

Kathleen M

5/3/2017 04:30:07 pm

Often, personal qualities such as humility are attractive.

6/9/2017 04:40:46 pm

Different people are attracted to different things. But I think if you can't objectively tell me how good you are at something, there might be something off about you.

And, personally, I would take confidence over humility ANY day.

Kim

6/7/2019 11:42:43 pm

So, Eva, what you’re basically saying, is that, you would dismiss what’s in a person’s heart, just as long as they were confident? Because, they’re were many serial killers out there, who were confident in what they were doing at the time, the 1 coming to my mind was Aldolf Hitler, who wanted to create his own race of people, I think they called it the Aryan race. Do, you know how many Jewsish people, he put to death, simply because, they didn’t fit into his perfect plan? Just, wanted to give you something to ponder.

6/9/2019 03:20:15 pm

No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I like someone with confidence in himself and his abilities. This is more important to me than "humility." (That said, a buddy of mine recently got me watching this Taiwanese show called Fall In Love With Me, and I definitely prefer the humble alter-ego to the cocky CEO persona. It's one thing to know you are good at something, and another thing to think you are BETTER than other people because you are good at something.)

I'm quite aware of Hitler, and obviously despise what he did. I used to wonder how something like that could happen... but when I think about Hitler, Pol Pot, etc., I feel like there are some pretty startling parallels between them and trump.

Just Passing By

5/4/2017 04:18:58 pm

I agree.

Jason

5/6/2017 05:08:50 pm

Uhhh... I don't know what was said in the article since I just skim through it. As a Korean-American fella I never had trouble dating despite Hollywood's attempt to demonize Asian men.. While often white guys are paired with Asian women on the screen we rarely see AM/WF couples. . I do believe this has an impact on a lot of American women who aren't educated or cultured. Most AM/WF couples tend to be highly educated white collars. Most of my girlfriends have been white females. Currently married to a beautiful lovely white woman
Interestly enough I read one third of AM guys raised here in America are married to white women. I guess smart white gals don't buy the Hollywood bullshit.

5/8/2017 04:47:57 pm

Exactly! Smart women will pick the smart guy over anyone else, any day. This isn't just my opinion -- there's a new study that shows, sure. We pick partners based on similarity to us with respect to appearance, values, religion, interests, etc. But by far the most important trait we value in partners is similar intelligence. Smart people like other smart people.

See also: Genetics and intelligence: Five special findings. http://www.nature.com/mp/journal/v20/n1/full/mp2014105a.html

Tzuri El

6/7/2017 12:02:35 pm

I don't hate the article. Some people in this comment section seem absolutely LIVID. lol smh I'm a young Israelite man from the tribe of Benjamin (i.e. West Indian) and it seems pretty clear to me that the girl has done her research (and done it well, with scholarly aptitude). Side note: And she's got a bangin' little body too! ;D Some people just don't respond well to the taste of reality imo. haha -That being said, -Eva, you "do" seem to be kinda' of a little hoe.

Hit me up! W/ ur little sexy ass. ;) <3
-Tzuri

Eva Glasrud

6/12/2017 09:15:04 am

Post your number.

Tzuri El link

7/6/2017 06:55:56 am

Yeah right, I'll post it all over that booty! lol 😘

7/6/2017 12:21:53 pm

Well, you're slightly less retarded than I'd've guessed. But you're still disgusting -- no wonder you're single!

If you need help getting less disgusting, here are some additional resources for you:

1. If You Had to Grab Her By the Back of the Head and Force Your Faces Together, It Wasn't a "Kiss" - It Was Sexual Assault:

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dear-confused-dude-part-2-if-you-had-to-grab-her-by-the-back-of-the-head-and-force-your-faces-together-it-doesnt-count-as-a-kiss

2. The Secret "Catcalls" Of Educated White People (even though it sounds like you're neither educated nor white -- same advice might still apply):

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/the-secret-catcalls-of-educated-white-people-and-my-problem-with-pickup-artists

3. Dear Confused Dude: If You Think Women Are the Problem, YOU Are the Problem:

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dear-dudes-if-you-think-women-are-the-problem-you-are-the-problem

4. Dear Confused Dude: Here's Why You Didn't Get a Second Date (I suspect this is HIGHLY relevant for you -- bookmark it):

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dear-confused-dude-heres-why-you-didnt-get-a-second-date

Remember, Tzuri El -- people can change. Just because you have no class, manners, or experience with women... doesn't mean you can't learn and improve and do better. Deep down inside, you might uncover a decent human being.

Just stop

6/8/2017 11:05:09 am

I've never come across an article so self serving in my life. You wrote this thing, and you're wondering why so much backlash? Maybe it doesn't occur to you because you're in an egotisical bubble and it's a feel good article according to you but it's highly presumptive and patronizing and especially from a white female about the silver lining for these less "deseriable" dating demographics. What's your credibility for discussing what an Asian male or a Black female should do to even the playing field? Oh your degrees from Stanford? Laughable...

Because you don't have a minority card let me go ahead and give you some advice to be decent human being and not an ignorant person. Do not tell a minority class what to do to improve their percieved attraction, self worth, value or anything else with the majority demographic. The onerous is on the society to address why it is that dating discrimination exists; that's a discussion worth having, and not on the minority demographic for what they can do differently to scrape and claw the equality they inherently have always had.

6/8/2017 05:14:30 pm

Yeah. I'm a psychologist. I study human and gender psychology. So that's a pretty solid "cred."

And, also, as I clearly wrote in the post (did you read it, or just get mad?), I have experience dating people from the "less 'deseriable' [sic] dating demographics." To reiterate:

I don't think I would have dated a single one of them if we'd met online.

"I've dated a White guy who was 5'10 and loved engineering and little else. I've dated a 5'9 Asian guy who hated all things outdoors, but could totally rock out with me on the piano. I've dated a 6'5 guy with a hairy back and a big belly who loved basketball and Chinese food. I've dated a 6'0 guy who loved all things outdoors but was completely tone deaf. I've dated a 5'10 Indian guy who was super smart; he didn't do a single one of the other things on my list, but he was always down to try anything. I've dated a super tall, muscular Army guy who never went to college, but was easily among the smartest guys I've ever met (you probably learn as much in a few weeks of bootcamp as you do in four years of college, anyway)."

Now, I know this is going to get your panties in an even bigger bunch, but I am a highly attractive, highly intelligent woman, and lots of guys want to date me. (I know, right? How DARE a woman have confidence?)

So in addition to speaking about the data and research, I can also speak about my "lived experience" dating short guys and men of color -- men who are, statistically, more likely to have trouble getting dates.

I know this upsets you severely. So I have some recommended reading for you that might help:

www.thehappytalent.com/blog/why-you-should-definitely-be-comparing-yourself-to-others-like-all-the-time

Enjoy, and thanks for commenting!

Just Stop

6/8/2017 09:22:20 pm

Eva, I'm sorry but I can't you seriously if I tried. Like I know you're this fierce and confident psychologist that has multiple degrees from an ivy league school, but it doesn't mean anything to me because if you had an ounce of understanding rationale, you'd see how stupid this article comes off. If you climbed down from your majestic stool as a confident and self declaring attractive white female, you'd maybe see why you're rubbing people the wrong way.

The experiences that you have "lived" dating one of these "less deseriable" demographics is credibility according to you. That's like saying, well I've been associated with many black friends so let me tell you about how these folks can find ways of excelling in a prejudice society. Oh... I've dated Asian men before who were short so that means I can tell you what you can do better to improve your adds and be less deseriable. Too funny!!! Honey... you can read as many books and get as many degrees as you want in the field of minority studies. Nobody will take you any more seriously I promise you. Thanks for reaffirming what I already knew about you! Gl with your career lol...

6/9/2017 04:12:38 pm

Hi again, Just Stop (so brave, hiding under a little internet nickname).

The thing is, people have followed my advice, and it worked for them. I've had several people reach out to me to personally thank me for writing this.

For what it's worth, I don't do "minority studies." I study things like empowerment, because my goal isn't to teach people how to feel like victims, as you so clearly do. For example, your first comment:

"The onerous is on the society to address why it is that dating discrimination exists; that's a discussion worth having, and not on the minority demographic for what they can do differently to scrape and claw the equality they inherently have always had. "

So YOUR advice is... sit around and wait until "society" decides to make the changes you want?

If that's the advice I followed, I couldn't play pickup basketball -- the men's "microaggressions" against me would have driven me away long ago, and I'd've had to give up something I love.

I couldn't travel alone, because what if people look at me funny? What if men hit on me and it makes me uncomfortable.

My advice to you? STOP obsessing over victimhood culture shit like "self-care." Instead, focus on "self-improvement." Figure out what works for you -- for example, meet people in real life instead of online. Figure out ways to be assertive. Figure out your own shit.

Then you'll be happy, and your fate won't rest in the hands of "society".

But, of course, you're probably not going to take any of this advice, because I'm white and pretty and therefore automatically wrong, despite my education, expertise, and "lived experience".

Thanks for the well wishes in my career -- not that I need luck. I actively worked to build the life I want, and I got it :)

6/10/2017 08:28:25 am

Not hiding behind the internet's wall of anonymity but unlike you, I don't feel that my reputation proceeds the true merits of my points of contention for a poorly written and titled article on some webpage that collects little to no traffic. You keep telling yourself how impactful it is to people but it's just hilarious scrolling through the comments and just seeing people lash out at you rightfully for being an oblivious and self righteous ignoramus.

I don't have an issue with you writing self help articles on how to improve one's perceived attraction or personality. Guess what, there's literally hundreds of thousands of these articles, blogs, editorials since the beginning of time. You're not providing some amazing insight the world has never seen before as much as you'd like to float your own ego. Of course these things help! Theg help every demographic of people. Whatever your creed, ethnicity, gender, nationality maybe,being more outgoing and positive helps you with attraction gasp! Congratulations Eva, groundbreaking insight you've provided!

The issue I have is why you think you're advice specfically for asian men and black females should ever be given by you of all people? a white female?! Like the advice is presented specifically towards two demographics on what they can do differently to improve their dating lives and you have lived zero days as an asian man or a black women. It's ridiculous! We're not talking about an article titled, general tips on dating or to your very stupid anology on perhaps how to improve in basketball. You took it upon yourself as a white women to discuss specifically how asian men and black women can improve on their dating lives, and you can't see why this is stupid and ignorant coming from a white women? God help you...

Also when it comes to my take on it? Yeh I think society is shit when it comes to ethnic discrimination in the dating world. I'm not presenting a new take or personal stance on what and how I think minorities should act to be self helping. I'm not a presumptive and an all assuming dating guru that can relate and associate to a specific minority ethnicity class that I'm not associated with. That would be ignorant of me! See how it works? Unfortunately they are victims and to nothing they have done incorrectly as far as living life. We live in a society that worships all things superficial and especially when it comes to our ideal man or women. Somehow along the way, we let skin color dictate attraction and we justify that by saying well... I like what I like. I just don't date black women or asian men, it's preference. Whether online or in real life, these two specific demographics get the short end of the stick statisically speaking versus their counterparts. They can self help themselves to improve their odds surely but it doesn't address the problem does it? So in the meanwhile, what I say is... know that regardless of what your ethnicity or skin color tells other people; you're inherent value is equal and has always been equal since birth. It's not on you as a black women or asian man to feel that you need to overcompensate because you happen to be born with a specific skin color. It doesn't define your worth, your worth is always been inherently the same. If a guy or girl has an immediate prejudice towards you that you have to overcome with a heightended personality, why would you want to pursue such a shitty person anyways? In other words, if that potential mate actually puts a value on skin color, you don't want to be with that person anyways! As a black female or asian man, you'd have to take Eva's amazing groundbreaking self help tips to have a heightened personality to get a chance at the very same person that would have given a white person or an asian female an opportunity just as is. It's called racial prejudice. Simple as that. I'm not asking these people to not feel victimized, the fact is,they just are. Again, society needs to change for the better. In the meanwhile, you live life and call people out when they're being ignorant; you most certainly do not change who you are so that shitty prejudice people can give you a chance on a date. That would be stupid advice Eva.

6/10/2017 10:32:00 am

I could take the time to point out your many grammar mistakes, spelling errors, and incorrect word use, but I don't think it would make a difference.

Instead, suffice it to say, "There are no victims, only volunteers."

My advice is pretty "amazing" (to use your word), and I'm sorry your obsession with victimization has kept you from seeing that.

6/11/2017 12:39:30 am

Eva, do the world a favor and crawl back under your rock. Your arrogance and self inflated ego is disgusting. Keep telling yourself that the negative feedback you get from the very audience you're trying to help is just flawed and ill informed. You're the real subject matter specialist when it comes to dating as an Asian Man and Black Women. How dare these actual Asian men and Black Women question your credibility! I mean you have the degrees and you're a practicing psychologist and oh yeh don't forget the "lived" experiences having dated Asian Men before! Short and Tall as they come too! Of course you would know better! Or rather... logic dictates that you're just an ignorant idiot.

6/11/2017 12:40:20 pm

Look. Lots of people ARE negative and ill-informed. Like, anyone who thinks feelings matter more than facts is negative and ill-informed. You've failed to criticize a single idea in this whole post, instead attacking my character, my experience, and my appearance. I know that the title made you emotional enough to comment before even reading the article... but I expect you can do better.

Because your criticisms aren't based on facts. They're based on emotions.

And, as Laci Green has spent the last few weeks realizing (it took her a while to come around, but I'm glad she finally has), eventually you get to the point where it's like, "I've explained this a million times, and you still don't get it. What else can I do?"

I've got a book recommendation for you -- it's Jon Haidt's The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Religion and Politics. It might help you reason with your intellect more, and your feelings less. Here's the link:

http://amzn.to/2bWRIU5

Deezee

6/10/2017 07:51:51 am

Given that you get dates easily with a variety of men (variety is good) , it is understandable your perspective and opinions about dating is skewed. You have little to absolutely no understanding of how difficult it is to be a man, an Indian man trying to date.

6/10/2017 10:25:51 am

I do, though, because I've dated and had extensive conversations with a variety of men about their experiences. That's the beauty of being human -- we're able to understand perspectives and experiences other than our own.

11/29/2017 03:13:03 pm

But women are slut-shamed for wanting variety. :(

Omg

6/11/2017 06:24:37 pm

I just had to comment after reading the author's debate with Just Stop. Clearly u understood what she was getting at, of which, is your clear advantage as a white person and that your said "experience" does not equal anything aside from the fact that u can date who ever u want, had at u a loss of words to the point all u could do was take a petty jab at her grammar.

The title alone and some of the things you said were petty as all hell and basically the summary of this article is "yea nobody likes u, but if u work extra hard at it someone will SETTLE for u". Omg, lol. That is not advise, it is a sad fact that the "unattractive ppl by default according to current societal trends" already fucking know.

And dating the unattractive is not experience. What experience?! How does that equal u to tell those that r not wanted how to get someone to stay with them? Ur not the one being settled for, u did the settling by dating guys u don't initially want.

The only way you as a member of "what's wanted" can have experience to give advise to the " not wanted" is if you became unwanted like being obese and snagged a model and got him to stay w/ u for over 5 years. And then still if that experience still gets u to write this conceited shit afterwards, all you are saying is how to get someone to settle for u not how to find someone that actually likes u.

Jasmine ezell

6/11/2017 06:28:53 pm

I meant "had you at a loss of words."

6/12/2017 09:07:43 am

Aww! Did your friend call in the cavalry when I refused to mindlessly bow to her "lived experience" nonsense?

"Just stop" wasn't getting at ANYTHING, other than the fact that in "her" opinion, white people shouldn't be allowed to give advice or share their opinions, regardless of their experience or qualifications.

If ""yea nobody likes u, but if u work extra hard at it someone will SETTLE for u" is what you got from this, I recommend giving it another shot. Because, actually, it said that "things aren't as bad as you think, here are some stats on that; here are some of the reasons you feel like online dating sucks; and here are a few solutions."

I never said anything about settling. In fact, the whole last HALF of this post was about getting someone who actually likes you.

Seriously. Read (or re-read, if that's what it takes) the article before commenting.

That said, I can give advice to anyone I want. I don't give a shit about my race or relative position on the holy "hierarchy of oppression." I still know a lot of things that could be valuable to people in different circumstances. As I already told your friend, lots of people (okay... lots of Asian men) have sent me messages about this, thanking me for helping them and giving a confidence boost. It's been discussed on lots of forums, and plenty of people have found it helpful. And then there's the there's the victims of victimhood culture and regressive indoctrination. There's not much point trying to discuss anything with them -- just look at Just Stop's comments.

Also, I'm not interested in becoming obese, thanks.

Desperate author

6/12/2017 03:09:11 pm

Lol some guy just called the author a hoe and then she goes and asks for his number. Success is in lasting relationships not multiple.

6/12/2017 08:56:34 pm

Yeah... Because I thought he might actually be retarded enough to post his number on a public website. Clearly, the only retard here is you.

pemfir

6/12/2017 10:28:05 pm

I think this was a fairly accurate picture of what actually happens in real life based on my experience. Online dating by design forces users to be superficial. For many it is the easiest way to find a partner because everybody by default is looking for a date whereas in real-life it is not easy to know this. I also think most people are (and have all the right to be) racist when it comes to dating simply because we share more with people of our own race, exceptions are white/Caucasian which are at the top of the food chain both men and women.

Justaquestion

6/27/2017 10:18:20 am

You write the following:

"This isn't, as Franchesca would call it, "sexual prejudice." (For the record, there is no such thing as sexual prejudice. There is only sexual preference.) It's simply science. Psychology research shows that we are most likely to like people who are like us.

Since there is no such thing as sexual prejudice (oh an btw what is your source for this conclusion? i am genuinely interest in this) and people like people who look most like them then, what's up with the black men not liking the women that look most like them? Who do you then explain this anomaly in their behaviour and their 'preference to white and asian women?
Also since you claim expertise in the field, how would you explain the trend in individuals 'preference' that amounts into the systematically exclude an entire group of people on the basis of their skin colour or ethnicity. This implies that attractiveness is not determined and influenced by our own prejudices. So if say a modeling agency would systematically hire mostly asian women and white man on the basis of that these are the most attractive people you would not consider this matter prejudice but a preference. If your conclusion is that it is, then how do you draw a different conclusion when it comes to dating? Is this not even more harmful.

As an expert in my own field of studies, I think that being an expert you have a certain responsibility to acknowledge that you know so much of so little and like any person you are ignorant (by choice or not) and less educated in some areas.That is perfectly normal. There is a danger in claim you are an expert in matters which you are not expert. Doing so you not only self-indulge in your own ignorance and contribute nothing to scientific/greater understanding of the world and society, but also perpetuates further ignorance and prejudice of your own and others.

6/29/2017 01:26:44 pm

"Since there is no such thing as sexual prejudice (oh an btw what is your source for this conclusion? i am genuinely interest in this) and people like people who look most like them then, what's up with the black men not liking the women that look most like them?"

> There are always outliers. There's a difference between saying, "I'm not usually attracted to Asian men," which is a comment on what you personally find physically attractive (whether that be blue eyes or really tall guys or blond hair or something else), and "I would never date an Asian, because I don't like Asian people," which is prejudice. But it's not SEXUAL prejudice. It's just prejudice.

There is evidence in evolutionary psychology that a lot of the preferences we have in our partners are hardwired, and I've given examples of "beauty standards" that are universal. Of course, some preferences are culturally learned, and it's easy to demonstrate this, too. For example, the "ideal" BMI is something that changes by culture and over time... but the "ideal" waist-to-hip ratio in women stays the same across the globe.

That's why it's hard to swallow the claim (based on opinions, not facts) that there's such a thing as sexual prejudice. And it's clear that people are going crazy with this idea, claiming things like, "On the one hand, conversion therapy doesn't work. On the other, it's 'sexual prejudice' for straight men not to date women with a penis -- just learn how to be attracted to sex organs you're not attracted to!"

(See also: www.factsoverfeelings.org/blog/trans-activist-conversion-therapy-doesnt-work-but-straight-men-must-learn-to-love-the-d)

Sexual preference is something no one needs to justify or feel sorry for. Prejudice is something that can't be justified. Sexual prejudice just doesn't exist (though, I'm sure if you think really hard about it, you can come up with exceptions to this, because there are exceptions and outliers to everything).

As for the "what's up with black men not liking black women" thing, I mentioned in the article the REAL reason for this:

Ta-Nehisi Coates pointed out in The Atlantic that the OKC data isn't necessarily representative of Black preferences. He writes,

"When black folks date online they don't go to OKcupid. They go to blacksingles. They go to soulsingles. Or if they're truly high post, they go to EliteNoire.

Black people who are going to a site like OKcupid are generally black people who, with some exceptions, are open to interracial dating. But the same isn't true of white people on OKcupid."

(See also: https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2010/03/the-black-damsel-in-dating-distress/37085/)

6/29/2017 01:49:22 pm

"how would you explain the trend in individuals 'preference' that amounts into the systematically exclude an entire group of people on the basis of their skin colour or ethnicity."

> It's an interesting question. I'd start by reiterating that we like people who are like us. This is well-documented, and totally makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. Yes, it's important not to mate with your sister. But it's also important to mate with someone you can trust, and shared backgrounds/beliefs/religions (especially, according to Jon Haidt, religions) build that sense of trust and safety. It's kind of like the mere exposure effect + efficient mating strategies (it doesn't make sense for a 3 to pursue a 10 -- you want to invest in the best mate you can get, rather than the best mate anyone can get).

That we like people who are like us is not really a matter of scientific debate. But what is an interesting conversation is some recent studies that look at the degree to which we use assortative mating based on different traits.

In an expert review in Molecular Psychiatry, Plomin and Deary (2015) wrote:

Assortative mating is greater for intelligence (spouse correlations ~0.40) than for other behavioural traits such as personality and psychopathology (~0.10) or physical traits such as height and weight (~0.20). Assortative mating pumps additive genetic variance into the population every generation, contributing to the high narrow heritability (additive genetic variance) of intelligence.

(Read more: http://www.nature.com/mp/journal/v20/n1/full/mp2014105a.html)

This is super interesting, and probably deserves its own post. But one thing I thought, as someone who works in higher education, is that, as more intelligent students from marginalized backgrounds are being admitted into better schools, more people from more racial backgrounds (but with similar IQs) will be interacting. And since intelligence matters more than so many other traits... maybe this translates to more interracial relationships?

**

"So if say a modeling agency would systematically hire mostly asian women and white man on the basis of that these are the most attractive people you would not consider this matter prejudice but a preference."

Modeling agencies aren't like other employers, in that they are allowed to discriminate based on appearance when making hiring/casting decisions. I'm not an expert on this (the most I've ever written about fashion was a piece about Tim Gunn, and why plus-size fashion is a surprisingly difficult problem: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dear-tim-gunn-the-designers-are-right-plus-size-fashion-is-difficult-and-no-two-16s-are-alike), but I'm pretty sure they care about appealing to their customers. That's how Shea Moisture built up such a solid user base and showed huge year-after-year growth. Models are there to sell a product -- so this seems more like a marketing decision than a preference or prejudice one. Can you think of an example that isn't modeling that I could consider?

**

"I think that being an expert you have a certain responsibility to acknowledge that you know so much of so little and like any person you are ignorant (by choice or not) and less educated in some areas."

> I mean, yeah. Duh. I do that. But I'm glad you said reiterated the point, because expertise is dying, being rapidly replaced by anecdotes, "autoethnography," and memes.

The anti-intellectualism, anti-science, anti-free speech movement is deeply disturbing, and people like Gwenyth Paltrow and Nassim Nicholas Taleb are dangerous.

Marie

7/2/2017 01:08:59 am

This is more going off of your responses to comments, So you keep boasting in your defenses that you have multiple degrees, you are attractive and well educated. But, here you are on the internet attempting to argue with people who you believe are "retards" for disagreeing with you. I am Very unsure if I Actually believe a professional with a degree would speak in the narcissistic the way you do, better yet have a blog at all. But, whatever you say let's roll with it.
This article is very much your opinion I get that. It is from YOUR experiences I get that too. But, it doesn't feel as if you Felt that type of loneliness that others feel. You would never be able to know to be constantly rejected because of being black even if the individual was not "ghetto" You may consider yourself "attractive" however, there are unfortunately others in society who are considered ugly to their peers. With that people don't have the confidence to just "Go out" and "get involved". There are people who have never had their first kiss and they are in their late 20's. There are virgins who pratically middle aged or elderly. You don't need a degree or science to know what people are attracted to it is a preference that people have. You can call yourself an expert in love and all you want to, your life is yours fine. I Just Highly doubt you would be able to calculate the people who will die alone and why they did.

7/2/2017 09:44:29 am

Yeah... So the reason I "keep boasting" is because commenters "keep saying" the same thing. Wouldn't it be weird if I responded to the same comments with different information?

(It's fine, though. I mean, it's reasonable to expect people to read the article before commenting. But expecting people to read the article AND the comments before commenting is a bit of a stretch.)

I never called anyone who disagreed with me a retard. I think the argument "you're white, so your opinion doesn't count" is COMPLETELY idiotic... but I try to be sympathetic, because I know I'm talking to a generation of people who are more fragile and less skeptical than previous ones. (See also: www.thehappytalent.com/blog/why-todays-children-and-young-adults-are-more-sensitive-and-fragile-than-past-generations.)

The person who IS legit retarded is the one who thought I was actually interested in some sleazebag I've never met. I wasn't criticizing "Desperate author"'s idea. I was criticizing "Desperate author" because clearly this person has no reading comprehension skills.

But since you brought it up... I stopped using "the r-word" for a while, because all the social justice warriors were saying it was hurtful and wrong. But then I read The Everyday Feminism Article That Convinced Me the "R-Word" Is Okay (www.factsoverfeelings.org/blog/this-everyday-feminism-article-convinced-me-the-r-word-is-okay), and realized that, indeed, if I play into ridiculous social justice demands, then I'm part of the problem. I'm like Evergreen College, when I *should* be like Ohio State University.

Now, regarding your "narcissism" comment. The thing about people who have low self-esteem (as well as sexist creeps -- see also: www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dove-wants-women-to-choosebeautiful-men-want-women-to-chooseaverage) is that they can't tell the difference between "narcissism" and confidence. I have a lot of self-esteem, and I have a lot of confidence. I've seen what I can do. I've seen how great I am at my work. I've watched my blog grow. I've read thousands of grateful emails and comments on the advice I wrote. I'm proud of myself for building a career and life that allows me to travel 2-4 months per year (just got back from Southeast Asia; next up, South Africa).

And yes. I can look in the mirror and say, with confidence, that I am objectively and subjectively beautiful. (I mean... check out my instagram.)

People who are insecure about their looks and accomplishments don't get it. They think ALL confidence and ALL self-esteem is "arrogance" and "narcissism." They get so caught up in their own insecurities and emotions that they are unable to comprehend basic information -- like how, in an article about dating, perhaps it's relevant that I'm real pretty. Or how, when lazy and racist commenters say that what I think doesn't matter because I'm white, it's actually highly relevant that I'm also, first and foremost, an expert.

7/2/2017 10:03:42 am

(cont., because sometimes comments that are too long get cut off)

So, yes. It is highly possible to look at objective pieces of information and make self-assessments. In fact, unless you're deprived of sensory information, and/or have personal issues that keep you from being objective, it's kind of hard not to.

(It's also good to compare yourself to others using objective information -- see also: www.thehappytalent.com/blog/why-you-should-definitely-be-comparing-yourself-to-others-like-all-the-time.)

The ridiculous thing about people reading this article and getting all upset because I'm pretty and white is.. I'm not really writing from the perspective f someone who's ever been rejected or lonely. I'm writing from the complete opposite perspective. I've dated the people who, statistically, have a hard time getting dates.

So not only can I say, here's the research on what you can do to improve your chances... but I can also talk about my experiences (since "lived experience" is all the rage now) -- how we met, what I liked about the guy, and how, again, I probably NEVER would have seen those people had we met online.

The examples you give of loneliness are kind of extreme. I didn't really write this article with 50-year-old virgins in mind. Call me "exclusive," but it's impossible for every article to "include" everyone.

Likewise, "people who die alone and why they did" isn't really my area of interest.

Finally, regarding the sentence, "With that people don't have the confidence to just "Go out" and "get involved"." Being unattractive isn't cancer. Having low self-confidence isn't cancer. Choosing to focus so much on your looks and what other people think about you that you won't "go out" and "get involved" is a CHOICE.

If it's truly so hard to get out of your own head and focus on an activity or experience, that's a personal problem. You can fix it. Find a mental health professional (a GOOD one -- not some ridiculous "psychoanalyst" who still talks about Freud, but one who will call you out on your bullshit). Order a copy of F*ck Feelings! One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Problems (http://amzn.to/2sfUs7s). And check out 3 Proven Ways to STOP Caring What Others Think About You and Life a Happier Life (www.thehappytalent.com/blog/3-proven-ways-to-stop-caring-what-people-think-about-you-and-live-a-happier-life).

Disgusted by author

7/4/2017 12:31:07 am

Wow! This "author" is deluded in so many ways. And hell to the NO....you are not pretty i side or out. Plain Jane looks with huge ego. Yuck!

7/4/2017 09:37:16 pm

Aww! Someone's jelly! Nice ad hominem, though. Stay in school, and you might be able to make a rational, well-reasoned argument someday.

But probably not.

See also:

www.thehappytalent.com/blog/why-todays-children-and-young-adults-are-more-sensitive-and-fragile-than-past-generations

And:

www.factsoverfeelings.org/blog/students-of-2016-are-exposed-to-fewer-and-less-provocative-ideas-than-students-of-2014

Mike

7/6/2017 12:33:50 pm

Hey, first off thanks for the article. Good to see things from the other perspective of the person I am trying to woo. I think you impart some good advice here, and it was an inspirational read, but there is a key point I think is missing. I see alot of people lashing out, and for me at least there's one major point you're not addressing. And that's the pain.

Sure, I put myself out there. I smile. But 95% of my interactions will still be rejections regardless of how confident, charismatic or kind I am. And alot of it is racial and height and look based. Sure, as I grow and become more confident, more self-assured, more me, that last 5% will become more attracted to me. But what does your psychology studies say about healing wounds and pain from decades of racism and discrimination? I'd be lying if I say it doesn't hurt alot on some days, cause it does. And sure I'd love to be a cheerful charismatic person all the time. But it's hard.

I think some people feel angry at you because this kind of experience may not be something you have first hand experienced. Oh, don't get me wrong. We all have heartbreaks and hardship in our lives, but specifically in the area of dating to have this kind of harsh judgement thrown at you day in day out by the vast majority of girls wears on you, especially since it is outside of your control and is based on something you cannot change. Sure, we all know to be confident and positive, but that's like telling a chronically depressed person to just snap out of it.

I'm not trying to start a flame war. I want to heal and forgive. Just wondering if in your psychology studies there has been any advice for how to move ahead and find peace and happiness, and confidence knowing there will be heavy discrimination and rejection from the vast majority of girls, that this IS the norm and not the exception regardless of how much I work on myself. How does one come to peace with that and still find confidence?

7/7/2017 06:54:05 pm

Mike,

This is exactly the kind of article that does NOT cause a flame war. Your reasoning was sound and your point came across loud and clear.

You're right -- I haven't experienced that kind of pain, and I can't speak from that perspective. And I'm definitely not trying to. Mostly what I'm trying to say is, look. Online dating will work better for some people than others. But that doesn't mean people won't have better luck offline -- after all, people are impossibly bad at predicting what they want in a partner. When you meet in person, you never know what's going to happen.

Case in point: you probably wouldn't have shown up in my search results if I were doing a search online... but you sound thoughtful and sincere enough that if we'd met in real life, I might have really liked you. You know? (Of course, you might not feel the same way about me, because apparently everyone who read this article thinks I'm an arrogant asshole and an ugly bitch and stuff :P)

And I don't think I'm the only woman like me. In fact, I mentioned in one of my earlier comments, Genetics and intelligence: Five special findings (http://www.nature.com/mp/journal/v20/n1/full/mp2014105a.html) found that people are twice as likely to end up with someone who's similarly intelligent to them as someone who's a similar height. I would take the smart guy over the tall one ANY day. (I mean, unless it was like Kevin Love or something, because then I could have NBA babies! HOW CUTE WAS KEVIN DURANT'S MOM AFTER GAME 5???? #REALMVP)

As far as coming to peace with that... acceptance, I guess? "Radical acceptance" is the cool new thing in armchair psychology. (http://amzn.to/2tWlUuR) I'm not an expert, but I understand why it works for some people -- anecdotally, acceptance and forgiveness have always lifted a huge weight and felt amazing.

Like, I've accepted that, since my shoulder surgery, there are some things I just won't ever be able to do again. I don't even really go up for rebounds with two hands anymore -- but I compensate by boxing out so well that my guy can't get the rebound, anyway.

I still have fun when I play -- but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get tremendously sad once in a while. Which is kind of what my song, "Behind a Mercedes":

"Mindfulness and miracles can take my breath away...
But when your SUV's in front of me, silver fades to gray."

(http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/behind-a-mercedes-a-song-about-being-happy-and-mindful-99-of-the-time)

Is this the same thing as overcoming what feels like constant rejection? Not at all... but maybe it's kind of similar?

Other possible recommendations (since I know "acceptance" kind of sucks -- but who knows? You might hate these just as much):

-- Cognitive reframing. I wrote once that it's the most powerful psychology hack ever invented. (www.thehappytalent.com/blog/this-is-one-of-the-most-powerful-psychology-hacks-ever-invented-and-it-only-takes-a-few-minutes)

In your case, I might reframe "knowing there will be heavy discrimination from the vast majority of girls" to "knowing most girls won't be [intellectual/techie/athletic/whatever you're best at] for you." According to the research:

"Functional MRI (fMRI) studies show that our brains process understanding, then belief, then disbelief. In that order. (Probably because disbelief requires the most cognitive effort.) Even if the belief only lasts a moment, it still helps alleviate hurt and anxiety. It still helps resolve some of the uncertainty you've been feeling.

Moreover, our brains are somewhat rubbish at distinguishing fantasy from reality. When you imagine a possibility or tell yourself a story, part of your brain stores that fantasy... as a memory. Which isn't to say you're going to mistakenly think your ex wrote you that gushing apology -- the conscious part of you will know the truth. But the part of you that lets hurt and worry creep in when you least expect it... That part will be at least partially comforted by the fantasy of closure."

Even if you don't even believe it's true, it can help restore confidence and resilience. (And, for all I know, it IS true -- from the way you write, I wouldn't be surprised if you were a pretty smart guy... and remember what I said about assortative mating for intelligence... :P)

The other thing about this is that you will probably have better charisma and connection with women if you can lower your anxiety a little before talking to them. People are experts at detecting your emotions, but not attributing them. If I see on your face that you're uncomfortable, I'm going to assume it has to do with you not liking me, rather than the fact that you're nervous about me not liking you.

-- Downward social comparison? According to psychology, it's the number one best way to feel better about yourself.

(http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/according-to-psychology-there-are-four-ways-to-feel-better-about-yourself-they-are)

-- Maybe check out F*ck Love: Sensible Advice for Find

7/7/2017 06:55:51 pm

(cont.) Finding a Lasting Relationship, by Michael Bennett (http://amzn.to/2tSnRbM). I can't personally recommend it, since I haven't read it. However, I did read his first book, F*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Problems (http://amzn.to/2tzAlCC), and I thought it was exactly the advice most people need to hear.

If you end up ordering it, LET ME KNOW HOW YOU LIKED IT! If you have thoughts, you could even guest post/review it on my blog. (If you want. No pressure.)

I wish I had better advice than that... but pain is hard.

Kikupuffs

7/7/2017 09:27:59 am

Good lord. This article was whatever, but Eva you really show your true colors in the comments section. You're coming across as just as nasty and petty as the people who insult you. I don't doubt that you're smart and accomplished, but the general lack of humility in this blog is very off-putting. Just saying.

7/7/2017 06:03:50 pm

If you want to be sweet and nice to people who say "fuck you" and call you ugly, go ahead. Me? I have no problem exposing the holes in their so-called arguments.

Like, if someone wants to say something dumb like "lived experience matters more than research and expertise," it's almost like an obligation to tell them otherwise. The anti-science movement is dangerous.

One thing I think is silly is that people criticize me because I "keep saying" I'm qualified and I'm happy with my physical appearance. First of all -- I had NO IDEA how much strangers on the internet cared about my subjective feelings about my appearance! (I guess it's flattering that they care so much? To read the whole article and all the comments and all the replies -- that's commitment!)

But second... I kind of thought it was obvious that the reason I "keep saying" the same things is because people "keep making" the same comments. Wouldn't it be strange if I answered the same comments differently?

But, as I wrote to Amin Riadh in 7 Reasons I Feel Sorry for People Who Call Me Ugly (http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/7-reasons-i-feel-sorry-for-people-who-call-me-ugly):

"I can see why it might come off weirdly to an outsider, though -- you sat down and read in a few minutes all the comments I replied to over several months."

Thanks for commenting!

11/29/2017 03:17:28 pm

It is not ladylike of you to say the f-word. Only men can say that. Cursing and being rude can get you abused or even raped.

Garlynne

7/12/2017 07:57:01 am

While I think there are beautiful women in all races and ethnic backgrounds, Asian women seem to be the most beautiful overall. For every 10 random attractive Asian women I see there are only like 1 or 2 attractive White women. When it comes to that raw physical attraction, Latina women get the nod. They have the prettiest faces overall.

Good tips

7/20/2017 12:20:02 pm

As an educated, successful, confident black woman, I find your article quite interesting. I agree with all of your tips about meetings ppl. I think being more social could benefit ANYONE looking for a relationship. (Maybe title the 2nd half of your article this way so ppl don't think these tips are just for the "undesirable"?) The explanation about OKC stats is correct as well. Blk ppl don't go to OkCupid to (solely) meet other blk ppl. Majority ppl on OKC are white/non-blk so if you're on there, you def are open to interracial dating (as I am). P.S.-asian men are attractive and I never excluded them from my search :)
I've had varied success with online dating. Although some would consider me attractive (humility will not allow me to state this as a fact) I didn't always get a reply when I initated a convo but I would have a huge influx of messages whenever I was online. Few blk men contacted me. Most were white/spanish and sparse Asians. Blk men not being interested in blk women is a tragedy (the European conditioning of what beauty is, is the biggest tragedy of all). But this is something we as a ppl need to work on. But like Mike, finding a way to overcome the expected rejection can be alot, if you let it consume you. Although my inbox stayed active, knowing that I was excluded from searches i.e. a larger dating pool, just because ppl perceived my gender/race as 'ghetto/aggressive/lazy' is disheartening at times. I won't even get into day to day interactions.
My advice for Mike, similar to yours, is acceptance. Accepting yourself for you and accepting that you might have to adopt a "f*ck em" type attitude toward those that don't think you're "good enough", for whatever preconceived notion they have about you. Easier said than done (trust me) but it can be achieved. I've accepted myself and I know my beauty is not measured by someone else's fear.

Eva I think ppl reacted the way they did to your article is beacuse being the universally accepted standard of beauty (a white woman) and providing tips (only) to those that are perceived as less desirable was off putting. Dating an undesirable and being an (alleged) undesirable are two different things. But I get what you are saying and I do hope that your article does provide solace/support to those in need. (And this is why I suggest you add a second title/separation so ppl can see the difference in 'advice for all' vs a white woman telling blk women/asian men how they can do better).

7/21/2017 09:24:38 am

Hi there,

You hit the nail on the head with your assessment of my advice -- "I think being more social could benefit ANYONE looking for a relationship." Absolutely. The reason I included it here is because so many adults today have no idea how to date other than online, and this especially negatively affects people who are more likely to be "filtered out" of search results.

I'm also totally with you on the Asian men thing -- I find them super attractive. And I'm stoked that we're starting to see more movies with strong, compelling, and gorgeous black women -- I mean, we all know Tiffany Haddish will make Girls Trip everything Bridesmaids was not (a comedy about women that's actually funny)... I'm also stoked about how OITNB turned out -- it didn't take them long to figure out that Piper's storyline was super boring compared to so many other characters'. Hopefully other producers (or directors, or whoever) get the message, and we see a shift in beauty standards.

Thanks, too, for your assessment of some of the backlash. My intention with this article truly was to point out that there is hope -- especially, probably, offline. The advice applies just as well to short men or very tall women (I'd probably get filtered out of a lot of searches for being 6'0), like you said. I can only speak from my experience -- I've dated the very people Franchesca described in her video, and thatonly happened because we met in person, and the guys showed charisma, intelligence, and compassion. But you are right -- "Dating an undesirable and being an (alleged) undesirable are two different things.' It's worth making the changes you suggested -- though, due to the clunkiness of my platform's design, this is no trivial task. :P

Thanks for commenting -- and if you're ever interested in posting on here (even to disagree with me), let me know!

Over it

7/21/2017 10:42:39 am

The fact that a white woman wrote this article is enough for me to know it isn't worth reading. You are writing about experiences you can NEVER speak to and trying to back it up with bullshit science backed by academic and scientific institutions of the most destructive societies on earth (Western European and white American). Please take your useless, extremely expensive pieces of paper and exit the building.
You couldn't have found an Asian man or woman of color to write this?
Thank god white people are soon to be extinct from this earth. The rest of us are gonna have a fucking fiesta!!

7/21/2017 02:57:37 pm

Go ahead -- keep *not* reading (but still commenting on) stuff white people write.

Me? I love my scientific and academic institutions. I love the quest for knowledge and truth. But enjoy your fiesta...

Tosh

2/26/2019 07:31:25 pm

What institutions do you suggest and why?

8/4/2017 04:46:11 am

"I would use search filters to see only the guys I'll statistically be the most compatible with."

"White, tall"

I don't understand the logic behind this though. You've already acknowledged that people who you have dated have been the antithesis of what you logically think are the most important things in a relationship. In my experience , those things you mentioned might be icing on the cake compared to most of the emphasis being to the core of who that person really is. Like you said, you liked those other guys in spite of not being 'fit' or 'tall'.

What's more is, you proclaim that "people who say they aren't attracted to asian men haven't seen that many", and yet the ideal would be 'white, tall'. If you agree that all races haves stunningly attractive and stunningly unattractive men and women, I don't see why that would be important. It seems like logically acknowledging that most of this is just socially constructed white superiority and hypergomy , yet, practice it anyways.
In other parts of the world like europe , these racial preferences on online dating are almost trivial. It's mostly socially constructed. In this study, african americans who identified as mixed race (less black ) were rated more attractive than those who identified as black. However, dark skinned people who identified as mixed , scored higher in attractiveness than dark skin people who identified as black.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007%2Fs12114-015-9218-1

The preference of slender , 'fit' people may also not be based solely in pure biology either. Just a couple centuries ago, the preference was for what we would now call fat people because it demonstrated you had wealth(more conditioning). Maybe in coastal regions , the shortest man who was therefore , able to catch the most fish was the most valuable.

I think many people believe they are immune to this kind of conditioning , but they aren't. It seems you are a victim of it too if you have such a hard and fast stance of your dating preferences ; i can see 'fit' or 'smart' , but based on your own history , 'white' will always be a dubious and ambiguous distinction.

8/4/2017 03:52:25 pm

People are most likely to end up with people who are like them. I'm not sure if the logic behind it is fully understood. It could be as simple as the mere exposure effect; it could have to do with more complicated relationship stuff (they say that in order for a relationship to work, you need to have at least five good interactions to one bad one; maybe having more in common and more shared values and backgrounds reduces the number of misunderstandings and conflicts ).

One of the traits that seems to matter most in assortative mating is intelligence. Which has definitely been true for me -- I don't care how short or unathletic or whatever he is, if he's smart and compassionate. Those are the two traits that all the men I've dated had in common.

I'm not surprised by the findings of that study, sadly. Nor did I mean to imply that racism doesn't exist -- it definitely does.

I only think that many people who struggle with online dating have trouble because they're not even showing up in people's search results. Maybe it's because of filters people choose. Maybe it's because of algorithms.

Like, in order to be a successful dating company, you need to do two things:

1) Get a lot of users.
2) Show users the people they're most likely to date.

Imagine a boardwalk full of singles. If there are only a few singles on the boardwalk, the odds of finding love are small.

But if there are so many singles on the boardwalk that you can't see or get close to the ones you're most attracted to, you're not going to find love, either.

JUST showing lots of people in search results isn't enough. Showing the most similar/likely to be compatible people matters, too.

Algorithms aren't perfect, because they don't know who we end up liking in real life. They only understand our online behavior -- which you've said yourself, doesn't always match with offline preferences and realities.

I think the appearance of fitness and strength has probably always been universally attractive in men, plus or minus some social conditioning that gives us clues about his resource-gathering ability and socioeconomic status. For me, yes. I would like to be with a man who is stronger than I am. I would like to be with a man who can push me, or at least keep up with me. That requires a certain amount of fitness and stamina. I'm willing to sacrifice a little on this one... but I don't see how a relationship could possibly work between someone with an extremely active lifestyle like mine, and someone who's super overweight. It shows we have different values, interests, and activities.

You may be right about an example of height and fishing... but I've actually never heard of a culture in which short men were considered more attractive than tall men. Regardless, I think there is also no culture anywhere, in any time, where women would pick the tall, broke man over the short, resource-rich one.

I'm sure I've been culturally conditioned to find certain things attractive or unattractive. But I think through experience, you start to gain a better understanding of what you want and where to find it.

8/4/2017 05:32:12 pm

I think that really only holds true in the racially charged , segregated context we currently live in. In a doggy daycare, the dogs interact and mingle with each other regardless of how each other looks. Of course if you grow up being fed a certain narrative , you are more likely to go along with it. We like to see ourselves as islands and free thinking , unlike normal animals. But really , most of our thoughts really aren't ours and have been implanted in a number of ways since birth. I doubt the billions of communists in China came to that ideological perspective merely based of free thought. The same with suburban far right leaning conservatives, or metropolitan left leaning democrats.

THe fishing example was just a little hypothetical , but i think there may be real world examples that contradict what we see in the west . If you look at japan for example , despite the negative stereotypes asian men get in America, very effeminate japanese men are all the rave amoungst young japanese women . The jacked gregarious types don't do nearly as well. Also, you get far more status for being educated ,ie "nerdy", than how these types of men are portrayed in the west as being unfuckable or lame. It also seems asian women haven't pre selected for height and therefore no significant change in height in the past centuries, unlike Americas height boom. It seems that culture and values play a big role in what what is valued . America has subsidized and permeated the mainstream with the notion of white superiority, therefore it is what we believe, and therefore pass it off as 'preference'.

I do agree that race often brings a certain culture and with it depending on the context and geography, but often, it can be a meaningless distinction and actually hurtful. Say you're a white conservative god fearing woman looking for a white conservative christian white male, and do so at the expense of excluding non whites. In this case, white male would still be a dubious and misleading distinction , because half or more white men in america identify as non christian as well as non conservative.

I also think i saw a stat but cannot find it, showing that older women are the least likely to have any kind of preference. Do older women know something younger women with strong preferences don't? Maybe, in fact, most of these hardlined preferences ,in the end, just end up hurting them in the path of finding true love instead of helping, and they end up single anyways. The trend i have noticed is that those top % of men don't commit , and these same women just end up marrying those same men they've ignored for a decade anyways. In the end, everyone loses.

8/4/2017 05:09:50 am

But i agree that people think they know what they wan't (you apparently).

I'm a black male . True i could possibly be above average in looks (someone told me my jawline is literally cartoonish, and i get constant people telling me i look like Russel Wilson ) , but the amount of attention and courtship i have gotten at my last job was absolutely ridiculous . All from suburban conservative white women. Conversely , online dating , relative to my white male friends success , relative to my good looks and charm, have been average at best. My advice to minorities is to indeed get the fuck off of dating sites; Move to a progressive big city (not California, THink Chicago or Boston ) Do cold approach and become a 10/10 in every category. 10% body fat; lift weights; eat kale and clear up your skin. Also stop glorifying white women: trust me, when you get them, the feeling is fleeting and you're just buying into the same hypergamy you're upset with.

Cheynne

8/4/2017 04:35:17 pm

You sound like a jealous white women with a thing against African American females but probably hound up behind a Black male. First, regarding the data published on OKC, I have true facts that it doesn't apply to all Black women as I have over 3, 000 likes with over 1/2 being from white men. I must say you do at best look average. I would even go as far to say I am sure my instagrams would get more likes than yours on any day. One thing you don't discuss is that Black women have high morals we don't force men to marry like I have seen many of my white females friends do to both white and other males. We don't jump in bed after date one. We are also beautiful, the most educated group in the US (checks the stats) and highly independent. Also by the way, you don't even look white but a mix of Latino and maybe Native American. I appreciate beauty and when I think "white attractive" I think of different celebs White women and none look like you. Calling yourself attractive doesn't make you attractive. I myself, I am a beautiful chocolate female whom gets plenty of attention from males of all races, and I am use to jealous women of all races. Sweetie, you need to look in the mirror because you are not cute. Also, I am post- grad educated. I feel sorry for you.

8/4/2017 05:35:18 pm

You sound a little wound up. Good thing it's Friday! Hope you have some nice, stress-relieving activities planned for the weekend. I don't need "stress relief" (I'm more of a "thrill and adventures" sort of girl) -- but I'm looking forward to playing in a gig tonight and camping in the Sierras tomorrow!

Go ahead and link to your IG if you want to have a beauty contest, but I'm not sure if/when I'll get around to it, since I have other interests and priorities.

FYI, most beautiful women don't jump into bed after one date. That's, like, a thing. The more attractive the woman, the longer she waits and the more selective she is about her partners. At least, according to social science.

No one's ever told me I look part Latina before -- that's a very sweet compliment! And, coincidentally, I do very much enjoy Latin American dances. You'd probably call that "cultural appropriation." I call it "a shit ton of fun!"

(The truth is, though, there is no such thing as "cultural appropriation" -- see also: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/i-used-to-think-cultural-appropriation-was-wrong-now-im-not-so-sure)

Also, since I love irony, I'm gonna go ahead and copy-paste my favorite part of your comment:

"Calling yourself attractive doesn't make you attractive. I myself, I am a beautiful chocolate female."

You may be wound up -- but at least you've got a sense of humor. :)

Rod

8/13/2017 03:24:52 pm

Greetings Eva,

I'm an attractive Asian American man in my forties and I wanted to say that your universal blog on dating advice is right! My favorite part of your advice, that I experienced is to date via reality encounters rather than just limiting ourselves to on-line dating. Hence, there are too many catfish cruds and flaky fools on there lol. Just ignore all the hateful rejects on here that are malicious and stupid. These snowflakes base everything on their emo feelings rather than facts.

P.S. I admire brainy beauties like yourself with that sexy red hair. I'm single if you'd like to reach out and get to know me better:-)

8/15/2017 01:12:46 pm

I've got to know -- did you say my hair is red because you have an amazing sense of humor (in which case, awesome! you definitely made me chuckle)... or do people really think I have red hair? I don't! I swear! :P

8/15/2017 04:21:53 pm

I said that to humor you but to be fair it definitely could be mistaken for being red. Either way, its sexy!

Travis

8/23/2017 08:56:29 pm

Look, I don't wish to be rude to you because you sound very naive and incredibly inexperience and probably think you are doing the right thing but I am seriously wondering whether you a compos mentis?
It appears to me that you have mostly dated white men plus one "Asian" and one "Indian" man yet you think you are an expert on this topic. You stated that "Psychology research shows that we are most likely to like people who are like us" Has it occurred to you that these guys dated you so easily because you are white, which comes with particular connotations? Are you aware that online practices are reflective of offline ones?
I think you are I both know that having a psychology degree does not mean a thing unless you have a PhD in psychology or psychiatry and even then we do not have enough information about the way the human brain functions to claim to know why people display gross biases in dating scenarios. Much less can we give advice to the passive victims of discrimination about how to change the circumstances.
What you are actually doing in my mind is analogous to saying to a rape victim, I'm sorry you've been raped even though you are not as attractive as me, here is some advice on how to be attractive and desirable and then you might be treated with dignity.
My advice to anyone reading this: if you ever have a psychologist or psychiatrist wanting to help you based on how attractive s/he is or based on how many people s/he has fucked who also share your particular problem...run like hell!
I do hope the other members of your family are genuinely more professional than this. If this is what it takes to be a white expert on a topic like this, we're all fucked really. Sadly this is the mentality of a lot of white 'experts', they know everything and are much better placed than a minority to do a job but in fact they actually don't know a fucking thing, they're just very good at pretending to be better, classier, more attractive, more educated etc etc. It is highly offensive.

8/23/2017 09:29:36 pm

Bla bla bla.... meaningless jargon.... bla bla bla... strange assumptions about my dating history... bla bla bla... anti-scientific suggestion that's obviously and provably false... bla bla bla... Unfounded and uncited claim... bla bla bla...

Assumption that just because degrees from some universities are worthless, degrees from all universities are worthless... bla bla bla... victimhood complex and powerless mindset... bla bla bla...

Bizarre and disconnected "rape victim" analogy... bla bla bla... bunch of f-bombs... bla bla bla... more predictable and cliche bitching about white people... bla bla bla... more victimhood complex.

Norat

8/26/2017 08:17:18 pm

Interesting but disagree on Asian women being biologically more feminine on account of being short or something. Also, most of the world outside the west is shorter; African and Latin American and middle eastern women are all shorter than western white women, and Asian women especially in more developed areas are no shorter than women in these other non-western places.

Hairlessness also makes no sense since black women are less hairy.

The thinness also makes no sense. I get that skinny is seen as attractive in models but it seems boobs and hips makes more "evolutionary" sense, something Asian women aren't seen as having.

Not to mention, OK Cupid not withstanding, Asian women really aren't that pined after in America. Asian women seem to be seen more as an easy option for guys but aren't seen as beautiful. In other words their popularity seems to be because theyre seen as easy rather than truly beautiful. This is true in movies where the women is usually a prostitute or sexthing instead of the person pines after. Heck, there are more black female sex symbols in American pop culture than Asian ones.

8/27/2017 10:59:33 am

And it doesn't have to be an either/or thing. You can have self improvement (individual level) while also addressing and bringing attention to societal issues Francesca discusses.

8/27/2017 11:35:12 am

Asian women are very feminine and desired in America almost as much as European or Caucasian women are. Not only are most of them educated, but attractive as well. As a matter of fact it's usually Africans or blacks that constantly come off as desperate and insecure even sadly to the point where they want to be with anyone else but their own. They also foolishly try and catfish themselves to be another ethnicity, particularly Asian or Caucasian. blacks tend to deceive and manipulate self-hating fools that are stupid enough to tolerate and enable their negative nonsense and pathetic personality.

Tee

9/26/2017 06:18:26 pm

This article is okay for general dating advice rather than for just people who are considered "undesirable." As a black woman, I'm personally not offended, but it is a bitter pill to swallow when someone of a ethnicity which has been considered beautiful by popular media, tries to relate to feeling deeply unwanted and overlooked in dating. And then gives advice on how to stop being undesirable. I can't stop being undesirable to people that don't want me due to the preference of another skin tone; it doesn't make sense! I know this opinion has been stated before, but I felt as though it needed to be restated. I'm comfortable and proud of the woman I've grown to be, and I feel that should be the true message for everyone; to be happy with yourself. This isn't an attack. Just some perspective.

Be blessed!

9/27/2017 09:55:27 am

Thanks for commenting -- I truly appreciate the perspective. Though I might argue that my advice was more "you're not as undesirable as the online dating stats might make you think" than "here's how to be less desirable," I can see why it would sting coming from me.

I guess where I went wrong here might have been generalizing my experience with the Asian and Indian men (who, according to the data, get fewer responses/messages from women) I've dated to black women (who, according to the data, get fewer responses/messages from men). Different gender could mean very different dynamics.

Peter

10/13/2017 04:43:35 pm

"And I know -- not based on anecdotal evidence, but on decades of psychology research -- that I am most likely to get along with someone who is like me. In real life, opposites do not attract.

Therefore, it doesn't make sense for me to ask OkCupid to show me EVERYONE. It makes sense for OkCupid to only show me cis men who are highly educated (you don't have to have gone to college to be smart, but it's a strong correlate); who are active (as in, physically fit and not overweight) and adventurous; who are politically moderate; and who are like me in appearance (white, tall, similarly attractive -- and OKC's algorithms try to make sure that 9's see 9's; 7's see 7's; etc.) and socioeconomic status."

In which case, why would race matter? To say that because someone simply shares your skin color , that they have all the criteria you outlined, and that people without this skin color can't possibly meet that criteria, is simply racist and generalizing.

My main conclusion is racism and hypergamy, which you in all honesty, demonstrate here with what i consider to be poor rationalizations for it. I can't find the source, but according to this one of onnisionspeaks videos, there was a study showing that asians, followed by indians, then blacks , then whites , got the most message replies in the uk. Our preferences are informed by the society and lived experiences. I doubt the whites in europe are genetically much different than the ones in the u.s, yet, seemingly have stark "preferences". Any brown person will tell you the success they have in places dating like sweden ,uk, or germany, compared to the u.s.

The u.s is has a caste system. Others like india and china are quite open about admitting it(not far fetched given asian women s lust for their white male masters?) . But make no mistake, the u.s certainly has one. Instead of scapegoating with all kinds of rationalizations, you should just admit to it, otherwise, how can we move forward?

10/17/2017 11:26:37 am

> "In which case, why would race matter? To say that because someone simply shares your skin color , that they have all the criteria you outlined, and that people without this skin color can't possibly meet that criteria, is simply racist and generalizing."

I wouldn't say it's the ONLY thing that matters. It's just... part of the formula. The men I'm most likely to get along with, statistically, are the ones who are X *and* Y *and* Z. I'm sure I could also get along with some men who are X and Y but *not* Z. But from an optimization standpoint, having more in common is usually better.

I think it would be hard to argue that sharing a skin color with someone means ONLY that you share a skin color with someone. Many of our values and experiences are related to our population groups and backgrounds. It can affect how likely we are to identify with a certain political party; how likely we are to be of a certain religion; etc., and these are big considerations for a lot of daters.

> "The u.s is has a caste system."

I guess we can agree to disagree on this one.

10/13/2017 04:49:24 pm

"and who are like me in appearance (white, "

I've never understood why someone looking like you is substantial . At all. Again, just a rationalization for racism and hypergamy.

10/17/2017 11:27:22 am

It's just a basic psychology thing.

Lianne

11/15/2017 08:23:00 pm

As an Asian woman, I find this blog incredibly racist and your comments within the comments section to reflect your genuine self. Having a degree in psychology does not suddenly make you a dating expert to the so called 'less desirable' types.

I just hope that some day you will be able to use your psychology degree to help you realize why so many people took offense to you and your blog/comments.

You can choose to reply or not and attack me for whatever you feel is justified. I will not be checking this blog ever again and although I have so much more to say, I won't.

Dai Dao

12/6/2017 06:56:30 am

Hey Eva,

This is probably the best blog post about this topic that I've ever written, and your views greatly coincide with mine. I learnt a lot from this post and it makes me realizes a tons of new things. So thank you and keep it coming :)

Cheers

Alex

12/17/2017 05:13:39 am

I am Korean which is Asian. While I am studying in the US, I see many types of Asians (Asians from many different countries), and I can see why Asians are considered. It's simply because they are very nerdy. I've been playing English football for my entire life, and I am bit muscular (in my opinion) and I am not that short either, which is 5.9 or 176 cm. Most of girls I see are less than 170 cm so I am basically meeting the standards that women wants, I sing in 3 groups (school 2 church 1) and I play piano as well. So I am neither a Asian piano nerd nor math nerd that people usually think of Asians. So, basically I do everything and people find me good, I don't know if girls find me attractive but I never thought I am ugly or unattractive, but I could clearly see why people find Asians unattractive. Here's why: 1. They don't speak English or speak poor English. That leads to the difficulty in communicating. 2. They are nerdy. When I say nerdy, I am saying that they lack the self-confidence or just confidence, or as you said, charisma. I personally call it aura because from some people, you can definitely see the colours or vibe-like things. That's what I meant and I see so many Asians lack that thing. I think that's because they are busy following what their parents or the society tell them to do instead of having some time for self improvements. I mean I speak both Korean and English fluently (I stayed in Korea for more than 15 years) and I do hell lot of things as hobbies and people like me because of that cool factors or quarks that I have. I am not perfect or do everything perfectly but I can say I am somewhat special and have a very distinctive characteristic. And the height and weight things, I actually do care. Let's not lie here. I know it is rude to say I will never love an over weighted one. But I want to say this sometimes because some girls also say 'I will never date a guy shorter than 6 ft. And solution is very easy, find someone who will appreciate the sizes and numbers you have. I mean there are more than 20 billion people that each person can choose on earth. There is no reason to be sad because of just little number thingies. The media have affected people's brain very much. They have desexualized or ruined the image of Asian by portraying us as weirdos or some kinda shit. That's sad but I do not give a single freak because I am and will be only dealing with people I actually meet and they will never judge me by the expectations made by media but the actual aura I make in real life. So I do not really care about what people think of a general Asian on internet. I will be sad if a girl I like say "hm Alex, you are a good man but you can't be my boyfriend because you are Asian, maybe we can remain friends, that never happened. Also, I saw that Asians who were born in here had no problem dating interracial, with White or Blacks etc. People in real life don;t really care about races. I can't say no one cares but most of people I know don't care. Believe me. There are always preference. Many Koreans I know say I will only date Korean. I said why not Black or White, they said too weird and different than me. So I will assume that Black and White girls do the same. But I am different and I always tell people that I will never date an Asian and I actually never even get to become a friend of one Asian girl. Things happen under people's preference and I think those preferences aren't made by such small scientific things as you mentioned on this article. They are made by the beauty inside of you.

12/17/2017 05:34:33 am

I was in hurry writing this passage at 6 o' clock in the morning and made so many dumb grammatical mistakes. Here are some corrections

and I can see why Asians are considered *unattractive

They are made by the beauty inside *you

I see so many others but to make sense, just list those two!..

But It might sound weird, I am not a gay or having a fetish but I feel attractive by tall and big girls rather than smaller ones or as you mentioned petite, I do not like petite girls who act like real pusss. I like girls play sports and have a big chubby or tall body. But my mom is small (but she is super duper good at sports, (won several cups on swimming, tennis, skating, skies and everything). It is controversial to what you mentioned on your article because I like big chubby girls (but not super fat) And I feel disgusted when I see a girl super bad at sports to be honest. So there are so many exceptions to the scientific things you listed. And I've lost so many chances by outgoing too much, like laughing so hard and making fun of her weight and things, I got several straight rejections and hatreds from many after saying some stuff (like jokes and stuff on them) I should never say to girls when I was outgoing. So basically there was nothing scientific about what had happened to me so far. Other than those 'scientific things' everything you listed are, in my opinion, correct and well said. So.. I am not disagreeing with your article I am just telling you my experience! And some point I did not feel 100% correct!.. I enjoyed reading your post! haha

Namja

12/22/2017 02:18:42 pm

Funny, over 70 percent of Asians marry other asians in the U.S, 21 percent of asian male are marrying outside of his race. Asian women might be highly desirable but it seems like vast majority them are choosing to stay within their own race. Whoever wrote this article need to do some homework before publishing such a rubbish.

1/4/2018 07:51:46 pm

Are white women who aren't even above a 6.5(no offense) , who think they are "very attractive" , who have such strict dating practices and preferences online, pervasive? I should quit dating entirely if this is the case.

Harry Tao

1/23/2018 03:34:12 am

Yes, there are exceptions.

But have you ever heard the phrase: exception makes the rule? Stereotypes exist for a reason, as the author demonstrates in the first paragraph. Genetically, Asian women are more petite. Genetically, Asian men are shorter. Asian culture and behavior resulting from that culture has significant origin in genetics, eg: race.

Yes, we are all individuals, and good for the author on being open-minded. But we are individuals within the broader rubric of race. There are always exceptional people within groupings, but the average person is just that, and most people are average.

The author reminds me a little of the mother of Chloe Bennett who married a Chinese man by the surname Wang. She even took his last name. But Chloe Bennett dropped her last name in order to be cast in Hollywood films.

And such behavior by females makes perfect sense since they should want the best for their offspring. Stereotypes exist for a reason. they are often based on an underlying reality, and their mere existence is a reality.

2/25/2018 10:01:26 am

Hello again Eva,

I'm the attractive Asian American alpha male in his forties still waiting to hear from ya dear. Thank goodness you're Not beguiled by the deceptive agenda of Media Morons that brainwash American women into thinking that somehow Asian Americans are not attractive or hot enough, which is total BS to any sensible person out there. Hence, Asian Americans like myself are not only clean and intelligent, but have good looking features, like our olive skin complexion plus almond shaped eyes. Yea, we may not be the tallest w/ the exception of that athlete, Yao Ming lol. However, most of us are brave and are sensual lovers, which makes us the best choice:-)

P.S. Did you know that the USA has a national debt of 20 trillion and the majority of it is "loaned" from China? That's an example of Asians not getting much more credit than we deserve coz some of us are seen as "meek." Thank goodness that's not me!

wow

4/1/2018 07:03:41 pm

wow, this lady speaks the truth. I'm an asian guy and wow did ALL of her points exactly line of with mine. Amazing.

lol

4/1/2018 07:10:11 pm

i need that height surgery where they break your legs over and over to get 3+ inches.

Anne

4/12/2020 07:52:27 am

Half black female here... I've accepted that I'm going to be forever alone and no longer attempt to date or talk to anyone. Any guys I find attractive, I avoid and repress feelings for as an alternative to rejection.

For the record, you name a race or ethnicity, I can easily find a dude or two or three or more attractive. That's just how I am. I don't have a "hard no" for race.

An Asian Guy link

12/23/2020 06:24:53 am

Hi Eva, thanks for writing this article. I'm a (social) psychologist too, and although I don't agree with everything, I found your perspective refreshingly different than the typical SJW shit on 'sexual prejudice'. I'm also surprised at how much backlash there is in the comments, many of which rely on personal anecdotes for refutation or completely mischaracterize your writing. Of course, racial dating preferences is a raw topic for many people and discussing it often gets downright ugly. On the other hand, your broader points are good (meeting people in life to get around oft-mistaken racial preferences? This is just good advice) and cautiously optimistic, something anybody having a hard time with online dating could embrace.

I would encourage you to ignore the haters in the comments, especially those who dismiss your points because you are a "white woman" who could "never understand the struggles of people of color". Obviously this is bullshit, humans in general are always trying to relate to and understand each other even if we don't share the same exact experiences. It's not a futile pursuit either, we often succeed in understanding what others are going through, which is why people of two very different backgrounds can relate (a defining feature of humanity in my opinion).

Perhaps the vulgarness of some of these comments stems from personal hurt in dating. As an Asian male, I've definitely received my fair share of rejections due to my race. It sucks because it isn't fair; I don't think I'm any less intelligent, attractive, athletic, fun, or kind than my counterparts of other races, but many women and even some Asian women think so simply because I'm Asian. On the other hand, none of this matters once you find the right person who sees and loves you for ALL of your attributes: your race, your humor, your values, and even your height and weight. At the end of the day, everyone is looking for someone like this... I think they would do well to take your main point and expand where they look... not just online but in real life, and realize its not as bleak out there as the online world makes it seem.

Advice for Asian Men, Black Women, and Other People "No One" Wants to Date

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