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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

Why Most People Suck at Saying No - And How You Can Start Improving Today

10/2/2014

8 Comments

 
Today I learned that an answer I shared on Quora was published in TIME last week. I thought I would repost it here. Saying no isn't the happy talent... but it is a very important skill that almost everyone could work on. 

***
A while back, I answered Do women have a harder time saying “no” than men? If so, why?

Basically, I wrote that everyone in our culture has a hard time saying no. For a couple of reasons, including:

1. Hardly anyone  ever “just says no.” We say, “I would, but…” "If it had been any day but today…” In other words, when people ask for something, you’re probably giving them an explanation/excuse as to why you must say no.

But this gives them a chance to try again. To find a little workaround. “Oh, you’re busy this week? How about next week?” “Oh, the drive is too far? Let’s meet half way!” (And, as I discuss below, saying no the first time makes you more likely to say yes out of guilt the second time.)

So if you want to say no better, JUST SAY NO. Practice different polite but assertive ways of doing it that contain no explanation/workaround, such as,
  • “I can’t this time.”
  • “Sorry — not today.”
  • “That won’t work for me right now, but I’ll get back to you if anything changes.”
  • “I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’ve just got too much on my plate right now.”

2. In a way, saying no is a low-level form of aggression (one of several reasons women tend to have a harder time at it than men). But since people are generally cooperative and social, we overestimate the cost of saying no. (Which is why, generally, if you ask for something, people say yes — even if the reason you give for the ask is complete gibberish. Asking, "Can I cut you in line to use the copier, because I am in a rush?" is just as effective as asking, “Can I cut you in line to use the copier, because I need to use the copier?”)

I repeat: WE ROUTINELY OVERESTIMATE THE COST OF SAYING NO.

Keep this in mind next time someone asks you for something. Saying no isn’t as bad as you think.

3. Be mindful of persuasion techniques that people often use when making an ask. Common ones include:

  • Reciprocity. People often give you something before the ask. This is because they know about the powerful psychological inclination to reciprocate.
  • Making two asks. When people ask for something and you say no, they increase the odds that when they ask for something else (usually something smaller), you’ll say yes. “Well, if you won’t donate $100, could you at least ____?”
  • Anchoring. When someone says, “Most people donate $X,” “Most other parents volunteer Y hours,” they are (consciously or unconsciously) manipulating you into giving them what they want. 
  • Establishing similarity between asker and askee, e.g., "Cool skateboard! I have a Sector 9 back at home."
  • Physical attractiveness.


Pay attention to what people are asking for and how. And don’t let them game you.

4. You have to be a little selfish. In general, I consider myself to be pretty good at saying no. (But then again, all the greats have short memories :P ) This is because I’ve had to. I love playing basketball, but I’m usually the only girl at pickup. So the boys assume I suck and try to tell me what to do, who to guard, etc. I used to try to be diplomatic and polite, but eventually I realized... if I don’t say no, I’m wasting my time. I'm having less fun, guarding worse opponents, playing positions I don’t like and getting fewer passes.

I’ve also done a fair amount of hitchhiking. This is one situation where, if something doesn’t feel right, you HAVE to say no. You might hurt someone’s feelings if you do — but if you don’t, you could DIE.

So think about it that way. Saying yes when you want to say no leads to wasted time -- and can even be fatal. It adds stress to you life. It shortens your life by increasing your blood pressure and suppressing your immune system. It could lead to less sleep, less exercise, and a less healthy diet. And it makes you less happy. 

There are things you can never have back. Your time, your health, your virtue, your life. Don’t mess around with those things. It’s fine for people to ask — in their mind, they’re may just be trying to introduce you to a great person or opportunity or cause. And it’s just as fine for you to say no.

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It's tricky at first, but saying no frees you up to spend more time and energy on what's most important to you, and can ultimately feel very empowering.
8 Comments
Fintech link
3/11/2015 09:52:02 am

"But since people are generally cooperative and social, we overestimate the cost of saying no. (Which is why, generally, if you ask for something, people say yes — even if the reason you give for the ask is complete gibberish. Asking, "Can I cut you in line to use the copier, because I am in a rush?" is just as effective as asking, “Can I cut you in line to use the copier, because I need to use the copier?”)"

You can use this to your advantage! Any time you get a late fee or unexpected charge from your bank or credit company (or even satellite radio station), call them up and ask them to waive the fee. As per "How to Reverse Late Fees on Bank Statements and Credit Cards:"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WcJskVnYg4

Reply
Recruiting Animal link
6/2/2015 01:17:26 am

None of your samples of saying no are the kind of simple no you recommend.

“I can’t this time.”
- What about next time

“Sorry — not today.”
- What about tomorrow?

“That won’t work for me right now, but I’ll get back to you if anything changes.”
- Not right now? When would be good?

“I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’ve just got too much on my plate right now.”
-- When will you be finished this stuff?

Reply
NYCFeminist
11/18/2017 03:54:16 pm

The examples TheHappyTalent provided are understood by English-speaking ppl in the Western world to be forms of "no." And in line with that, I've found that the dynamic you describe happens if the person doing the asking was determined from the start to ignore all "no's." In other words, even if I'd said "NO" in response to the first ask, the asker would discount it, ignore my boundary, and attempt to persuade me otherwise.

Those who ignore other ppl's boundaries don't give a damn if you respond to their requests with "Oh, sounds cool but I'm just too busy—but I'll get back to you if things change" or "Hell to the no, not ever" or "In your dreams." The fault does not lie with the refuser, for being too vague, indirect, or un-assertive. It lies with the asker, who has, in ignoring the 'no', been revealed as one who ignores the boundaries of others.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
6/2/2015 03:29:42 am

"Maybe - I'll let you know."

"Tomorrow's pretty busy, too. I'll call you if something changes."

"I'll call you if something changes."

"I'm not sure -- I'll be in touch when my schedule calms down."

Reply
Recruiting Animal link
6/2/2015 04:34:03 am

Hi Eva, don't worry, I won't carry this too far. But you keep suggesting that a future date will come when you'll call them with no intention of doing so.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to simply say "no I don't want to" so why not say it up front.

Or, is part of the strategy that if you manage to postpone the showdown it will never come because the other guy will not pursue his request.

Reply
Jen link
12/16/2015 05:18:17 am

While I like the overall article and very much agree that women should be assertive when saying no, I agree with Recruiting Animal. You state, " Practice different polite but assertive ways of doing it that contain no explanation/workaround"

But your responses and your follow up responses contain workarounds, give explanations, and give them hope that you are interested.

"Maybe - I'll let you know."
(She said maybe! There's a chance! I just need to keep pursuing her!)

"Tomorrow's pretty busy, too. I'll call you if something changes."
(She's just busy right now. She didn't say no! There's a chance! I just need to keep pursuing her!)

"I'll call you if something changes."
(She didn't say no! There's a chance! I just need to keep pursuing her!)

"I'm not sure -- I'll be in touch when my schedule calms down."
(She said she WILL be in touch when her schedule calms down! There's a chance! I just need to keep pursuing her!)

Granted, even when we do very clearly say "No, thank you." or "No, I'm not interested." or "No, I said leave me alone" it doesn't always work. With some guys, it's like telling no to a 2 year old. They ask you again 5 minutes later, because to them 'no' only means "not right now".

I really like the point you make in number three, regarding the persuasion techniques. I hate when people try to make me feel I must yes because I accepted some sort of "kindness" that wasn't actually kindness, because true kindness comes without obligation.

Thanks for the article! :)

Reply
NYCFeminist
11/18/2017 04:30:09 pm

Well, first off, TheHappyTalent is suggesting these response styles for women who rarely or never say 'no' each time they actually feel and mean to say HELL TO THE NO!! If you can't relate to this, thats cool...props to you for being comfortable with NO and best of luck to the young women coming up who need these tips and are working their way up to straight up NO.

But also, there are gonna be times where a woman's in a jam, needs to say NO, but the costs of saying it straight up are too high. The site When Women Refuse shows some examples like that. In cases like these, when a woman's boundaries are not just ignored multiple times but steamrolled, a soft no + a lie is the only tactic that has a chance of working. For example: "Thanks, I'm so flattered—but my boyfriend (or husband, at my age, LOL) wouldn't be happy."

Straight up NO is what you mean and you are leaving open the hope that you and the BF, real or imagined, will breakup, making you available again...while also saying your flattered when you are the opposite of that, sure. But NO is too risky to use on anyone so blind and ignorant of anyone but himself that he is willing to (for ex.) follow a woman down an abandoned street, try cornering her into an alley, or think he and only he will override the sexual orientation she was born with, while she says NO over and over again. As a young feminist, I was so ignorant of the mental state/dynamics of boundary steamrollers that I actually thought "I'm a lesbian" was a deterrent—and WOW, is real life different from how I thought it worked back then!

Reply
Rafael
6/3/2015 09:34:42 am

Very good! Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge. It will help me be happier in my life and that haven't a price

Reply



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    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


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