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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

5 Reasons to Stop (Or At Least Cut Back On) Watching Porn

5/11/2016

6 Comments

 
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My freshman year at Stanford, I took a human biology class called "Adolescent Sexuality" -- and for it, I wrote a term paper about the negative effects of pornography on a young woman's sexual experience. 

Which is kind of ridiculous and adorable, since I had zero sexual experience of my own and had never "looked at" (I didn't know it was something you "watched") porn. Nevertheless, I recognized some of the potential harmful effects porn could have on my generation -- the very first to grow up with free, unrestricted access to porn. 

Since then, several studies and books have come out with similarly sad and shocking conclusions. Inspired by Dr. Philip Zimbardo's new book, Man Interrupted: Why Young Men Are Struggling & What We Can Do About It
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I decided to take a break from blogging about playfulness to write about something I swore I would never write about again:

​Pornography.

The TL;DR is that it isn't very good for you. Personally, I tell the guys I date that I don't want to be with them if they use porn -- if they want to be with me, they should be with only me. If they want to have weird internet sex with women on the internet, then maybe it's best to part ways.

(Go ahead and call me naive -- you're wrong, though. I don't date guys who are dishonest, and I feel bad for people who can't fathom a sincere, honest relationship with a dude who isn't addicted to porn.)

But I suppose I'm extreme in that regard. Dr. Zimbardo -- who designed the Stanford Prison Experiment and happens to be one of the most famous psychologists of all time -- says that porn is okay in moderation. 

The problem is, lots of guys -- especially millennials -- don't really use it in moderation. Today's young men watch an average of about two hours of porn per week. And that is a problem for the following reasons:

1. It causes erectile dysfunction.


Porn isn't like real life in many ways. One of which is that, in real life, there isn't an unlimited number of sexy, naked women who are willing to do anything and everything with you.

Nothing is ever the same. The scene, the acts, the women -- they are constantly changing. Which is why, according to the heartbreaking documentary Hot Girls Wanted (you can watch it streaming on Netflix):
"The shelf life of a girl really depends on like how she markets herself. Worst case scenario? One to three months. Alright scenario? Three to six. Best case scenario if she doesn't catch on to the game? A year, tops. TOPS."
But we'll discuss this further in a moment.

The point here is that, sexually, porn is very overstimulating. And one thing our brains are great at is adapting to overstimulation.

Meaning that guys who consume a lot of porn become addicted to that novelty, to that type of stimulation. And, for many, it becomes impossible to get an erection under, you know, normal circumstances. The kind where it's real life. And you have a partner.

Not to mention that leading a sedentary lifestyle contributes to obesity, which leads to decreased testosterone levels, which makes erectile dysfunction even worse. Or the fact that

2. It causes performance anxiety (which makes ED issues worse)  


I'll say it again: porn isn't like real life. In porn, everyone is objectified (especially women, but also men). Size is everything. And everything is a performance. 

To be more specific, porn is full of huge dicks. According to Man Interrupted, you rarely see a penis smaller than seven inches in porn, even though the average penis size is 5.2 inches. And it's pretty common to see penises in the 10- to 11-inch range.

Moreover, penises in porn instantly get hard, if they don't start out that way. And they stay hard for ten, or twenty, or more minutes of thrusting in every imaginable position.

Oh, and also, the woman is screaming in ecstasy the entire time.

Or, at least, that's what appears to happen. What actually happens is that there are "fluffers" on set to keep everyone aroused. The actors take breaks. The crew rearranges things. And then the film editor makes it look like everything happened seamlessly and continuously.

This causes performance anxiety -- especially in younger guys, who have little or no sexual experience of their own. It causes insecurities -- especially in guys whose brains have adapted to sexual overstimulation. 

But there's no anxiety associated with watching sex. It's a horrible cycle.

​And it affects women, too. A common complaint from blogs like Everyday Feminism is that men don't care about female pleasure -- and that those who do often only care because they want the woman to "perform" her pleasure. 

I disagree with the first part of this. Many (most?) men do care about female pleasure -- if a woman isn't getting what she wants sexually, she shouldn't blame the patriarchy. She should learn how to have bodily autonomy and communicate with her partner.

But the second part is definitely true. A lot of women feel expected to "perform" their pleasure. One Cosmo survey even found that 32% of women who struggled to orgasm with a partner cited "I'm too in my own head or focused on how I look" as the main reason why.
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And the thing is -- it's easy to be like, Girl, just don't worry about how you look. Just be you. But if your enjoyment is quiet, the guy might feel like he's doing something wrong -- or, worse, he won't find it as sexy as if you "performed" like the girls in porn.

Because when you watch a lot of porn,

3. It changes what we want and expect, sexually.


One of the things I did for that Adolescent Sexuality project was to compare descriptions of sex in erotica (which is typically written for women) to descriptions of sex in internet pornography. (Call me a bad scientist, I was too squeamish to watch any porn myself.)

It came as no surprise that the way women imagine sexy sex didn't really match up with what was happening in porn sex. Which is too bad, according to distinguished researcher Dolf Zillmann. 

Zillmann's work contributed to the exemplification theory: the idea that, consciously or unconsciously, men regard sex acts portrayed in pornography as ideal -- and will later try to emulate these acts in their own sex lives.

And with the huge availability of online porn, directors know that their videos need to be a little raunchier, a little racier, than their competitors'. Often this translates to more degrading or dehumanizing towards the women in the videos.

Which is probably why, as Nancy Joe Sales notes in her recent book, American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers, porn often implies a certain amount of force. "Pussies" getting "crushed," "pounded," and "destroyed." (Not to mention genres like bukkake, gang bang and, um, other stuff.)  
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And then there's the whole, "anal is the new oral" thing -- the thing where oral sex has become an expectation (because every porn ever has blowjobs in it -- but how often does the guy go down on the girl?), and anal is the new "will she do it?" activity. 

Apparently, almost half  of high school girls have been propositioned for anal sex, and college girls are starting to show up at the infirmary with anal fissures caused from anal sex. 

Personally, I find it hard to understand why either party would want to do anal stuff. But the fact is, people are doing it at unprecedented rates, and it's at least a little due to porn. It sets up certain expectations. And... it kills eroticism. In order to do something that feels a little naughty -- a little taboo -- people are having to try more extreme forms of sex. 

Further, in a 1966 study by Rachman and Hodgson, men were repeatedly shown pictures of naked women paired with pictures of boots. Eventually, the men would become aroused by pictures of the footwear alone, affirming that men, in a manner oddly similar to Pavlov’s dogs, can be “trained” to find one thing or another arousing.

So is it really any wonder that people want to try what they see in porn in real life? Even though it's not necessarily pleasurable for their partner?

And then there's my next point:

4. Porn is exploitative and coercive. 

It is hard for me to understand how you can, in good conscience, indulge in porn. Unless you're browsing r/GoneWild, a sub-Reddit where users upload sexy photos of themselves. 

What I like about GoneWild is that people aren't compensated. People aren't posting photos on there because they desperately need money to feed their kid or pay their bills. They do it because it turns them on. Some people are totally into that, and that's fine.

Meanwhile, other kinds of porn are pretty exploitative. 


Recall the earlier quote from Hot Girls Wanted, in which a porn producer suggested that the average "shelf life" of a porn worker was 1-3 months. 

That really sucks. And (spoiler alert) -- although in the beginning of the documentary, the girls feel all excited to be getting on an airplane for the first time and making more money than they've ever seen before ($300 here, $200 there), by the end, they have nothing.
They spend most of the money they "make" on lingerie, doctor visits, flights, accommodations and other "business expenses."

It's really sad to see all these girls who just turned eighteen trying to escape a rural town, a dead end job or a low socioeconomic status... basically for nothing.

Like, at least if they were prostitutes, they could quit after one or four of six months and be done with it. Millions of people all over the world aren't going to recognize them from porn. Meanwhile, there are endless accounts of girls showing up in porn (or even just the Girls Gone Wild videos)... and having it follow them for the rest of their lives.

Their parents find out. They have to switch schools or careers. They get all the stigma, without any of the fame or fortune. (And, sure, some people would argue that there "shouldn't" be a stigma attached to sex workers. That doesn't change the fact that there is. Facts are facts, even if you don't like them.)

There's only a tiny chance their "career" will last more than a year. They're not going to get rich from doing it...

And part of the reason so many girls quit so early on is that after their first "fresh face" video, getting roles becomes increasingly difficult. You're old news. The roles they do get offered -- especially if they are women of color -- are typically more extreme or degrading.

In one scene from Hot Girls Wanted, a Latina woman named Jade finally lands a role... in a facial abuse/Latina abuse shoot. In it, racism is sexualized. She is called derogatory names, like "puta." She is forced to vomit... and then she is forced to "slurp it up." 
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The documentary notes, "In 2014, abuse porn sites averaged over 60 million hits per month. More hits than NFL.com, NBA.com, hotwire.com, CBS.com, fortune.com, disney.com," and a host of others.

Another young woman, Tressa, returns to her shared apartment one afternoon with a giant dildo, explaining, "A producer gave this to me. He wanted me to stick only half of it in me for $1,000. He wants me to keep practicing and trying."  
 ​
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It was clear that none of the girls in the video liked being in porn -- and it was really sad listening to them talk about their experience.

Here's the other thing about porn.

I am all for capitalism and free markets. I am all about artists getting compensated for their work. But when it comes to compensating people for certain kinds of services, it is important to consider whether you are being fair... or coercive. 

For example. I recently wrote Playfulness Isn't a Trait - It's a Skill. And If You're a Millennial, You Probably Never Learned It. In it, I discussed my own human subjects research. 

All I wanted to do to my human subjects was ask them a couple of questions about their play behavior -- how they played, why they played, why they didn't play. "Play" isn't innuendo. I literally mean like soccer and Uno and stuff. Nothing that seemed even remotely personal or harmful.

Even so, I had to go through an institutional review board to make sure every little part of my study was ethical and confidential. The amount of compensation I could offer my participants was very strictly capped at $5. 

This seemed dumb to me, but one of my professors explained, Look. What if it's against someone's religion to participate in psychology surveys? What if it is against their moral or religious principles to give body fluid samples to scientists? What if there is an experimental treatment that could seriously hurt them -- but they do it anyway, because they are strapped for cash?

When you offer people too much money for something, you make it difficult for them to say no. Especially when they're struggling financially and see no other options. 

I'm not equating pornography to science research. 

People should get absolutely get paid for their work.

But. Just because the women in porn are compensated, doesn't make it ethical. Doesn't mean it's not coercive. 

I don't have a good solution to this problem. It just makes me uneasy -- especially after watching how much porn messed up these girls' lives.

​The industry is almost completely unregulated. Actors have to be over 18. Some states require STD testing or condom use. But that's it. 

This should give you pause when it come to watching porn.

5. It stunts social skills.
Playfulness is a skill. Flirting is a skill. Sexiness is a skill. Communication with another human -- especially in a sexual situation -- is a skill. Even charisma is a skill.

But when boys and men can have a digital sexual experience, alone, without leaving their room... they don't learn social skills. They don't learn how to talk to women. They don't learn how not to be creepy or shy. 

Teens and adults, who, in a previous generation, would have been masculine and virile, ad instead shy, awkward and increasingly isolated. 

The shut-in economy, which makes everything available on demand, is killing us. It's killing our bodies and it's killing our souls, and it is killing our social skills. See also: Get Up! Why Your Chair is Killing You and What You Can Do About It. 


***

Honestly, I'm not sure how much of a difference this post will make. Dudes love porn. But maybe, just maybe, one of you reading this will become a little more mindful of your porn habits, and how it is affecting your body, soul and mind. 
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6 Comments
Anonymous
6/27/2018 03:41:10 am

You are the one whose wrong, if you're watching a movie and you say "hey, he's cute" does that mean you're being dishonest to your significant other? No, so don't judge people because of what they like. Maybe you should try to see things from their perspective.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
6/27/2018 11:42:50 am

Hey Anon,

Thanks for commenting, but was there anything in particular in the post you disagreed with and/or do you have any citations to back up your claims? I'd be interested to see them.

Reply
Anonymous
9/16/2019 11:15:07 am

Most women are not as physically attractive as those that men can view on porn sites. There are many, many men who cannot get aroused by average-looking or, as you say, "real" women. The personalities, intelligence, interests, hobbies, and work-ethic of these women are not enough to get these men to be physically attracted to them enough to have sex with them.

So, what are men like that supposed to do? Men need visual stimulation in order to get aroused. If they cannot find a woman who they would find visually appealing enough to get aroused, what is the next best thing for sexual release?

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
9/18/2019 06:27:03 am

You are correct -- many men have a hard time becoming aroused by real women. Many of the reasons for this substantial increase in erectile dysfunction are outlined in this article.

So are many of the solutions. Jerking it to porn multiple times a day isn't going to fix the problem.

Reply
Anonymous
9/18/2019 02:24:11 pm

I think you may have misinterpreted what I said. My point is that, for many men, the reason that they watch porn in the first place is that most "real" women are not satisfactory, attractivenesswise. In other words, the reason these men cannot get aroused by "real" women is because the women are not physically attractive enough to inspire an erection from the outset. Porn does not cause such women to be physically unattractive to these men, because they would still be considered physically unattractive to them, regardless if porn was available to the men or not.

Case in point: brussel sprouts. I find them absolutely repulsive. I hate the way they taste, the way they smell, and the way they look. Even their texture feels unpleasant in my mouth. I will never, ever like brussel sprouts. And no amount of scolding, shaming, lecturing, or proselytizing is going to miraculously make me "woke" into choosing them over other foods that I naturally find acceptable to eat.

Do you think that if you were to somehow restrict my access to other foods, and leave me nothing to eat but brussel sprouts, I would eventually find them delicious?

I did not see any outlines for solutions in your article, only complaints, though I feel that that your "solution" to the porn "problem" is to gradually ween men men off of porn, or worse yet, completely blockade their access to it and they will have no choice but to find conventionally average/unattractive women physically attractive.

I honestly don't see the virtue in your virtue signaling in regards to your objection of mens' sexual autonomy where their preference for sexual release via porn is concerned. At best these anti-porn complaints are thinly-veiled bellowings to disguise insecurities. At worst they are shaming tactics to manipulate men to be attracted to what YOU want them to be attracted to. I doubt that you'd be equally appreciative towards anyone who tried to dictate what women should/shouldn't do to find sexual gratification.

Eva Glasrud link
9/18/2019 03:25:23 pm

"Most women aren't hot enough to give me a boner" sounds a LOT like erectile dysfunction to me. Research shows that porn can make it worse, and there are also medical interventions that, personally, I feel should probably be available without a prescription. (Unless, of course, there's some risk I'm not aware of, which there very well could be.) A prescription would be nice, because then maybe your insurance would cover some of the cost. But a lot of guys are WAY too embarrassed to admit they have a problem, so they just self-handicap and watch a ton of porn and say things like "most women just aren't hot enough."

"Porn does not cause such women to be unattractive" is not necessarily a statement that is supported by psychology research. We can learn and be conditioned to find certain actions and features to be attractive.

I also didn't used to like brussels sprouts. Maybe your problem is that you're eating them steamed instead of roasted with bacon.

But to answer your question, yes. When your access to other foods is ACTUALLY restricted, other foods become more delicious. Case in point: apples. They're gross. I don't like them. Except for when I'm backpacking. Then, suddenly, they are delicious. I'm not intimately familiar with the science on this, but it makes sense from a survival perspective, doesn't it?

Since you claim to have read the article but didn't identify any solutions, I'll reiterate. Cutting back on porn can do wonders for your sex life and mental health. So can developing social skills so that you're more comfortable with real women, so that social discomfort isn't a factor in whether or not you're able to get a boner or even whether or not you're willing to go out and meet a potential partner. Staying in your room and playing video games and watching porn is only going to get you trapped in a cycle it's going to get more and more comfortable to break out of.

And, because low testosterone is a very real problem in huge numbers of today's men, it's worth talking to your doctor about your t levels. I believe there's a shot, but I've heard getting it reduces how much testosterone your body will make. Zinc and weight lifting may also help. But I'm not a doctor. Then, of course, there are medications.

I'm not sure why you think I'm trying to be virtuous. It's really not about virtue (beyond the fact that porn is WAY exploitative and depressing to people who think about it critically -- for what it's worth, the "woke" stance on this is that doing porn is supposed to be "empowering" and shit, which it.... pretty clearly is not). It's about why porn, which may seem harmless enough, is actually kind of bad for you.

I don't give a shit what people are attracted to, and have frequently defended men's (and women's) "right" to be attracted to straight, white, able-bodied, "conventionally attractive" women. Maybe... that's where we're not connecting? By "real women," I don't mean "fat women." I mean women you meet in real life, rather than watch on your computer.






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