A Quick Economics Lesson For Dudes That Think Women Who Let You Pay For a Date YOU Initiated Are "Gold Diggers"
After YEARS of listening to people muse over who should pay for a date, I wrote Finally! A Definitive Way to Know Who Pays For The Date. In it, I propose a very simple solution:
There is a definite science to figuring out who "should" pay for the date. All you have to do is answer the following questions:
Anyone who has a problem with this either has bad manners or bad communication skills.
Recently, though, a disgruntled dude with his panties in a bunch commented on my post,
This is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. When's the last time you've ever heard of a girl asking a guy on a date!? Rarely!
The comment was so idiotic that I hardly knew where to begin.
But perhaps this is a good start:
Unless you are dating women who are literally starving, there is no reason for them to accept a dinner date with you, just because you're going to pay for it.
Going to dinner with someone takes at least an hour of your time -- once you factor in driving, getting ready, etc., it probably takes an hour and a half, maybe two hours. Dinners at normal restaurants (which, presumably, you're going to -- why would you go someplace super fancy with someone you barely know?) cost $10-$25.
The vast majority of women value 1.5-2 hours of their time much more than they value $10-$25.
But why stop there? Let's also factor in the cost of going to dinner with you in terms of what I could have been doing instead (playing basketball, writing songs on my guitar, blogging, hanging out with my friends, rock climbing, etc.). You really think a woman who gets dinner with a guy instead of doing something she loves, like basketball, is getting dinner with you because she is a gold digger?
This! Is WAY more fun than spending an hour of my precious time with a dude I don't like.
And then there's the huge social cost of spending at least an hour of your day with someone you don't like.
Once -- once, in my whole life! -- I heard some guy friends talking about a girl they knew who goes out on an OKCupid date almost every night. These guys seemed so impressed and amused at how many free dinners this girl was getting! But the story made me cringe.
If I really wanted to get a free dinner at a restaurant every night, I could. But why on earth would I want to?
Why on earth would I sacrifice an entire hour of each day so that I could get a free meal? It would make sense if and only if I were starving. Or perhaps if I had no job and no friends and no savings and no hobbies and no kitchen or kitchenette at home where I could make my own $5 dinner.
So perhaps your problem, disgruntled commenter, is that you have no confidence. No self-esteem. Maybe the reason you feel used by women who let you take them out once and then don't want to see you again... is because you don't have any faith in your ability to be genuinely attractive and interesting to these women. I know it's the hugest cliche ever... but confidence is sexy. And it sounds like your confidence is severely lacking.
Another possibility is your persecution complex, which is another trait women generally find unattractive. Kindness, warmth and generosity, on the other hand... women love those things.
It could also be that you have no manners, and/or you are stingy. You take them out on a date you initiated without clearly stating the cost ahead of time, and then get all pissy if they assume you intend to pay? If I initiated a date with someone -- which many women I know and I often do -- I would initiate it fully expecting to pay.
Finally... you said in your comment, "Dinner is a horrible first date no matter who's buying. It's way too intimate, and if you don't like the person, it makes it awkward."
I strongly disagree with you. Dinner isn't my ideal first date -- sports, action and adventures would be a lot more fun for me. But. Some people prefer intellectual discussions over delicious food, and I respect that. I mean, not everything has to be about me, right?
I've been on plenty of dinner dates, and I've thoroughly enjoyed them. I mean, I wouldn't have accepted the date if I didn't know the guy was at least super intelligent, witty and kind. Maybe it will turn into romantic feelings, maybe it won't.
But how can two smart people run out of things to talk about in under an hour?
Dinner dates can be extremely engaging, whether or not you find yourself attracted to the person. Just skip the small talk and get straight to the interesting stuff, like:
You might not walk away with a new life partner, but you'll walk away with a funny joke, unbelievable story or cool fact about a field you previously knew nothing about.
If that's too hard for you to wrap your mind around, I recommend checking out the following posts:
These Specific Behaviors Will Make You More Charismatic, Starting RIGHT Now.
This Is One Of The Most Powerful Psychology Hacks Ever Invented, And It Only Takes a Few Minutes.
6 Things Men THINK They Know About Women... That Are Totally Wrong.
And Why a Terrifying First Date is Better Than a "Nice" One - Misattribution of Physiological Arousal.
10/15/2017 09:08:41 am
So.....a woman's time is more valuable than a man's?
10/15/2017 10:30:19 am
I personally have a problem with the implications of many, not all, heterosexual women's views on dating/courtship. A lot of women say that they wan't a man to invest time, effort, and thought into dating/courtship because it shows that the man values and respects both the woman's time and who she is as a person. Then, many of the same women vehemently refuse to put in the same effort that they expect from men. Which, to me, implies that many women don't see men as people worthy of being valued and respected.
10/17/2017 11:17:04 am
It's no more or less valuable. But it's like, if YOU ask ME out, YOU are asking ME for MY time. Yes, you're also offering yours. But there's a difference between asking for and offering.
10/20/2017 10:21:28 am
Planning is an aspect of the lack of effort that I've perceived, but only a portion of it.
10/20/2017 10:53:07 am
I understand that this may not apply to you, but many men I've talked to seem to feel this way. They just either don't know how to, or don't take the time to figure out what they're feeling and articulate/express it properly. Hence the assholeishness of the comment you're addressing in your article.
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Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power. Read more >
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