Dating Advice: You May be Asking All the Right Questions, But Here’s What You’re Forgetting
Once upon a time, I met a super cool dude at a book reading. I remember the moment I saw the back of his head. Then, during the Q&A, he moved to the chair next to me, and the sparks instantly started flying.
But it didn't take long to figure out I never wanted to see him again.
He was a professor with a startup and a passion for positive psychology – which is kind of what I’m into. I mean, technically, I’m into leisure skills and playfulness. But there’s totally overlap.
His eyes were gorgeous and we had an explosive conversation. But what I loved most is that he asked amazing questions. Like he really valued my perspective. Like he was really peering into my soul and asking questions I wanted to answer.
On a scale of 1-10, he was a 10.
Yet… something was off. Even after discussing We Need to Talk About Kevin, kicking our shoes off and running through a fountain, and standing by a clock tower, just to watch the gears move – there was something off.
I wasn’t quite able to put my finger on it right away. But later, I realized the problem:
He asked the best questions anyone’s ever asked me.
He didn’t let me answer a single one.
Him: Your thesis sounds interesting! So basically you found that students at a community college were more playful than students at Stanford?
Me: Well, not quite. Students at both schools said they wanted to play equal amounts. The difference was in what they –
Him: That rich people play more than poor people? Yeah, I read a book about that that said that bla bla bla.
(Who cares what he said next? He didn’t have the respect to listen to me. Why should I listen to him?)
The point here is, no matter how great your questions are – no matter how much interest you think you’re showing – it’s really hard to fake authenticity.
That’s where the whole charisma thing comes in. People, especially dudes, love books full of if:then statements for different dating scenarios. They love scripts and lines and strategies. But if you go into a date with a script in mind, it’s going to be extremely difficult to come across as authentic.
Olivia Fox Cabane gives some of the best dating advice I’ve ever read – and it wasn’t even ostensibly meant to be dating advice. Among other suggestions in her book, The Charisma Myth, she suggests:
Cabane’s book contains more great dating advice than you’d ever read in an actual dating guide. Plus, you’ll learn a lot about how to have better conversations with family and at work.
Master the art of authenticity, and you’ll have more success in pretty much every part of your life.
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1/16/2017 02:30:32 pm
If he were someone I knew and cared about, maybe. But I shouldn't have to coach someone I've just met in how to be a good listener -- especially given there is no guarantee he would ever change. It's dangerous to begin a relationship hoping the other person would change.
6/11/2017 11:12:19 am
"That will make them like you more, which will make them like you more. It's a beautiful cycle." - from the last indented section; you might like to quickly fix that.
6/11/2017 12:16:37 pm
I would like to quickly fix that. The reality is, if I want to fix that at this point, it will take at least 15-30 minutes. If you ever start a blog (if you already have one, please send me the link -- I want to read it), don't use Weebly as your platform. They're terrible. I've spent ages talking to customer support about it, and there is apparently no way for me to:
7/9/2017 08:35:10 am
I hear a lot of guys complaining about how difficult it is to meet women. When pressed for further information, it usually turns out these guys are not trying very hard to meet women at all. Success with dating, as with anything, is dependent upon the actions you take to better your situation. You must make a continual effort to go beyond your comfort zone in attempts to make new friends and acquire new dating prospects. Nothing is going to just come to you, it is up to you to make it happen.
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Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power. Read more >
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