Dating Advice: You May be Asking All the Right Questions, But Here’s What You’re Forgetting

9/16/2016

Once upon a time, I met a super cool dude at a book reading. I remember the moment I saw the back of his head. Then, during the Q&A, he moved to the chair next to me, and the sparks instantly started flying.

But it didn't take long to figure out I never wanted to see him again.

He was a professor with a startup and a passion for positive psychology – which is kind of what I’m into. I mean, technically, I’m into leisure skills and playfulness. But there’s totally overlap.

His eyes were gorgeous and we had an explosive conversation. But what I loved most is that he asked amazing questions. Like he really valued my perspective. Like he was really peering into my soul and asking questions I wanted to answer.

On a scale of 1-10, he was a 10.

Yet… something was off. Even after discussing We Need to Talk About Kevin, kicking our shoes off and running through a fountain, and standing by a clock tower, just to watch the gears move – there was something off.

I wasn’t quite able to put my finger on it right away. But later, I realized the problem:

He asked the best questions anyone’s ever asked me.

But…

He didn’t let me answer a single one.

Him: Your thesis sounds interesting! So basically you found that students at a community college were more playful than students at Stanford?
Me: Well, not quite. Students at both schools said they wanted to play equal amounts. The difference was in what they –
Him: That rich people play more than poor people? Yeah, I read a book about that that said that bla bla bla.

(Who cares what he said next? He didn’t have the respect to listen to me. Why should I listen to him?)

The point here is, no matter how great your questions are – no matter how much interest you think you’re showing – it’s really hard to fake authenticity.

That’s where the whole charisma thing comes in. People, especially dudes, love books full of if:then statements for different dating scenarios. They love scripts and lines and strategies. But if you go into a date with a script in mind, it’s going to be extremely difficult to come across as authentic.

Olivia Fox Cabane gives some of the best dating advice I’ve ever read – and it wasn’t even ostensibly meant to be dating advice. Among other suggestions in her book, The Charisma Myth, she suggests:

Stay present. If you’re worried about the next thing you’re going to say, you’re not truly listening. Chances are, the next thing you say is going to be a bit of a non-sequitur. Plus, if you’re not listening, it totally shows on your face. That’s why I’m pretty sure I could never date a standup comedian. In my experience, they tend to spend most of the conversation planning their next joke, instead of truly engaging with me.

Acknowledge the elephant in the room. As I wrote in These Specific Behaviors Will Make You More Charismatic, Starting RIGHT Now, it only takes humans 17 milliseconds to notice and interpret an emotion on your face. But most of us misattribute what we see. If you're too hot in that jacket, I’m going to see the discomfort on your face – and I’m going to think it’s about me. If you really have to pee but I’m in the middle of a sentence, I’m going to think you’re desperate to get away from me. If you keep looking over my shoulder because you’re afraid of missing the bus, I’m going to think I’m boring you. So just tell me! That way, I can correctly interpret what I’m seeing, instead of feeling like I make you uncomfortable and dodgy.

Hack your brain. Cognitive reframing is one of the most powerful psychological hacks in the whole world, and most people have no idea it exists. Basically, your brain is terrible at distinguishing fantasy from reality. If you imagine a completely made-up story, part of your brain will believe it’s true. So if you’re someone who gets anxious or distracted easily, take a minute to imagine that the person you’re about to talk to is a Nobel Prize winning scientist, a professional athlete, or the best __(fill in the blank)__ in the world. Part of your brain will cling to the memory, and you’ll focus more intently on the person you’re talking to. Likewise, if you get nervous easily, spend a moment imagining you already know the person super well – your moms were friends when they were pregnant, and you’ve known each other since you were babies. That will help you get over your nerves, and even treat this person with a surprising amount of warmth. That will make them like you more, which will make them like you more. It's a beautiful cycle.

And more.

Cabane’s book contains more great dating advice than you’d ever read in an actual dating guide. Plus, you’ll learn a lot about how to have better conversations with family and at work.

Master the art of authenticity, and you’ll have more success in pretty much every part of your life.

Want to know more? Check out:

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5 Comments

marez link

10/2/2016 10:30:04 pm

Why didnt you tell him its annoying when he doesnt let you fully answer the question? Maybe he would change.

Eva Glasrud link

1/16/2017 02:30:32 pm

If he were someone I knew and cared about, maybe. But I shouldn't have to coach someone I've just met in how to be a good listener -- especially given there is no guarantee he would ever change. It's dangerous to begin a relationship hoping the other person would change.

I have often wondered how honest it's worth being in my feedback. Like, would dudes freak out and feel wounded if I told them things like, "It disgusted me when you tried to hold my hand, when you don't even know me," or, "You asked great questions, but never actually listened to the answers and that was obnoxious." Probably. But it might help them out in their next relationship.

Is it worth putting myself in a situation where I could spark their eternal ire, when I barely even know them? I don't know. Most people aren't crazy and dangerous -- but some are.

Zeph

6/11/2017 11:12:19 am

"That will make them like you more, which will make them like you more. It's a beautiful cycle." - from the last indented section; you might like to quickly fix that.

You have spambot responses you might want to trim on some of your posts (like Recontre Ace above but I've seen similar elsewhere in your posts). Your blog software at least trims their web links out, so it's defanged - but the residual crud doesn't add to your blog.

In your response above: "But I shouldn't have to coach someone I've just met in how to be a good listener -- especially given there is no guarantee he would ever change. It's dangerous to begin a relationship hoping the other person would change."

She suggested that you mention how it lands for you before blowing it off forever, to see if he is interested in changing - not that you get into a relationship with him or go into extended free coaching. You advocate addressing the elephant in the room, and that would be an example of doing so. If he reacts defensively, or sounds sincere but immediately goes back to form, THEN give up if you wish. The point is there's a whole lot of territory between silently blowing somebody off forever as soon as you notice a judgement about them, and getting enmeshed in ongoing relationships with people hoping they will change.

6/11/2017 12:16:37 pm

I would like to quickly fix that. The reality is, if I want to fix that at this point, it will take at least 15-30 minutes. If you ever start a blog (if you already have one, please send me the link -- I want to read it), don't use Weebly as your platform. They're terrible. I've spent ages talking to customer support about it, and there is apparently no way for me to:

a) quickly make edits. All I can do is go to the editor, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, click Previous >; scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, click Previous >; repeat until I get back to September 2016.

It's a time-consuming process. There is no better way to do it.

Never use weebly.

b) delete or mark old comments as spam. If I didn't notice them when they first went up and they no longer appear in the "recent comments" section of weebly, there's literally nothing I can do about it...

I've asked if there's some sort of export tool I could use to move everything over to SquareSpace or Word Press, and apparently there is not. I've put in feature requests to both of those companies, but I'm still waiting...

I feel trapped, and I'm really disappointed in Weebly for not providing one of the most basic and important tools they could possibly provide.

You make a good point about seeing how feedback lands/addressing the elephant; however, if it seems like not listening at all is just who someone is, and not a weird little quirk they could work on, that's worth considering.

Deliberate action link

7/9/2017 08:35:10 am

I hear a lot of guys complaining about how difficult it is to meet women. When pressed for further information, it usually turns out these guys are not trying very hard to meet women at all. Success with dating, as with anything, is dependent upon the actions you take to better your situation. You must make a continual effort to go beyond your comfort zone in attempts to make new friends and acquire new dating prospects. Nothing is going to just come to you, it is up to you to make it happen.

Dating Advice: You May be Asking All the Right Questions, But Here’s What You’re Forgetting

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