Dear Confused Dude (Part 2): If You Had to Grab Her By The Back of the Head and Force Your Faces Together, It Doesn't Count As a Kiss

Yesterday, I posted Dear Confused Dude: Here's Why You Didn't Get a Second Date. The post seems to have caused some confusion -- particularly to a vitriolic dude who sometimes goes to the same karaoke place I do. 

Todd seemed to think that my post was targeting him (it wasn't), because he seemed to believe that he and I had "kissed," and that I am a "great kisser."

But here's my advice to Todd (and all the guys like him): if you had to grab her by the back of the head and force your faces together, it doesn't count as a kiss. It counts as assault. Our lips touched, ever so briefly, before I yelled, "NO!" -- but they only touched because you held me in place and rapidly pushed your face into mine before I knew what was happening. It was not a kiss. 

And I find it very concerning that, on my blog's public Facebook page, you wrote that you actually ENJOYED doing that. But I guess I'm not surprised. As I've written many times on my blog, you're much more likely to be assaulted by someone you know (and even like enough to hug goodnight before going home from karaoke) than a stranger hiding in a dark alley. 

These are all things I told you last night. But this morning, I realized the topic deserves its own blog post. Because this isn't about a private feud. This isn't about a one-time thing that happened to me and only me. This is about the fact that the "kiss rape" is a pretty common experience for women. I don't know if this is a thing people are teaching at their pathetic little "pickup artist" classes or if it's a product of rape culture or what... But it needs to stop.

Anecdotally, I've heard a lot of women talking about how gross and inappropriate it was when a friend or date or acquaintance kissed them -- often in a forceful or sneaky way. Or, after, the woman will tell a story like mine: "I was hugging him, but then after I let go and was pulling away, he grabbed my head and kissed me."

"Kiss rape" is a common enough experience that it's in Urban Dictionary. 41% of respondents on Debate.org answered that, "Yes, a forced kiss is rape!" (The other 59% said, "No, but it is sexual assault.") 

People on Quora very universally agree that any forced, unwanted touching is illegal.

The fact that "kiss raping" is so common means that there are either a LOT of dudes out there who are either super confused, or super rape-y. 

I'm going to give the benefit of a doubt to some of you -- because I'm sure some creeps actually get off on forcing girls to kiss them, or other forms of sneaky, unwanted sexual contact with women. But maybe you are just a dude whose social skills need a little fine-tuning. So, here is a very amazingly clear, accurate, awesome way to know

When it's Okay to Kiss a Girl:

1. You don't have to physically restrain her to make the kiss happen.

2. You ask her if you may kiss her. Trust me -- if she wants to kiss you, she'll say yes. Asking her is so respectful and sweet and endearing, she'll love it! Don't worry about "killing the mood." When a guy I want to kiss asks if he can kiss me, it makes me want to kiss him even more! When a guy I don't want to kiss asks if he can kiss me, I say no, which is the exact same thing I would have said if he didn't ask and just went for it.

3. You let her make the first move. It's 2015 -- she can wear her big girl pants.

4. You have a "moment." Kisses aren't supposed to be abrupt, dude. You're supposed to have extended eye contact. With your faces all close together. You keep looking from her eyes to her lips, and she's doing the same to you. Probably, other parts of you are touching, too (but not because you've backed her into a corner). Maybe you've brushed her cheek with your hand, and she didn't flinch or back away, but instead leaned in closer. Maybe she touched your cheek, too! This is a good time to either ask if you can kiss her, or lean in, paying close attention to the "90-10" rule.

5. You follow the "90-10" rule, and NEVER go the whole hundred. I don't normally take love advice from movies, but the 90-10 rule is a pretty excellent way for you to make sure the girl you're kissing ACTUALLY WANTS to kiss you. If you think you've had a "moment" and you think the woman might want to kiss you, go 90% of the way to her... and let her come 10% of the way to you. As Will Smith says in Hitch, "YOU DON'T GO THE WHOLE HUNDRED!"

In addition, may I also present:

When NOT to Kiss a Girl

1. You barely know her.  Guys like Todd seem to think that "because of Facebook and Tinder," physical contact doesn't mean anything anymore. And, sure, some people are totally into the hookup thing (definitely not me -- but some people). There's sort of a huge difference between a hookup and a kiss, though. The goal with a hookup is to have an orgasm. A kiss, 99.99999% of the time, will not result in an orgasm. It is just a show of affection. It is just a form of social bonding. 

But if I barely know you, I have no affection for you. There is no bond for the kiss will fortify. All kiss raping me will accomplish is telling me that you don't care who I am as a person. You just want sex. To which I say, "Goodbye FOREVER. Have fun on Tinder!"

2. She went for the hug. A hug -- especially one she initiated -- is her way of telling you that she does not want to kiss you tonight. Maybe she will, someday, if you don't try to force her now.

Don't be an idiot and try to convince yourself that she somehow misinterpreted your nonverbal request for a kiss. Women are experts at reading body language and sexual intent. If she turned her lips away from yours and went for the hug, it's because she didn't want to kiss you. It's kind of like that thing boxers do when they don't want you punching them anymore:

This means she doesn't want to kiss you.

3. She says she doesn't want to kiss you. This gross-ass dude named Reza tried to kiss me a few years ago. We'd spoken a few times at the rock wall, and, on that particular night, we both hadn't eaten yet, so we decided to grab something after climbing. 

After dinner, he DOVE in (COMPLETELY violating the 90-10 rule) and tried to kiss me -- real quick! before I could say no. But I was quick! I pushed him away and told him, "Reza, I don't do that with people I don't know." 

And HE said...

...

(wait for it...)

"Come on!" AND HE TRIED AGAIN TO KISS ME!!

So I screamed at him to get away from me and never contact or touch me again. I may have included colorful words like "FUCK YOU" and "RAPIST." Because apparently "I don't do that" wasn't clear enough for him. 

Please, for the love of everything that isn't rape-y and disgusting, don't ever act like Reza the Rapist.

4. She says she doesn't want you to walk her home/drive her home/go to the next bar with her/be near her anymore.  If you offered to walk me home and I said no, that means I don't want you walking me home. Because I know once we get there, you're probably going to try to kiss me or weasel your way into my apartment. But I'm telling you now: the answer's no. If I wanted you to come, I'd invite you. I'd say, "I'm parked over here -- walk me to my car!"

"The girls and I are headed to Rick's Bar next -- do you want to come?"

If I don't invite you, that means you're not invited. 

5. You touched her hand, cheek, leg, or any other part of her, and she pulled away. I can't believe I even have to spell this out. But if she doesn't want you touching her, she doesn't want you kissing her. End of story.

***

Please check your fragile male ego at the door and take this to heart. Please don't be a rape-y asshole. Don't listen to douchey bros who say that you need to "kiss-close" or "seal the deal" or whatever ignorant shit they're saying. Because, yes. Following their advice and manipulating/forcing your lips onto hers might get you a goodnight "kiss." But that is all you're ever going to get from her -- unless, possibly, you also get a prison sentence. 

Remember: if you have to be quick, forceful, manipulative or stealthy to make it happen, it definitely is NOT consensual, and you should NOT be doing it.