10% of heterosexual daters believe the man should pay for everything. Another 10% want to split everything 50/50, starting with the first date. The other 80% lie somewhere in the middle. Here's how to know who should pay.
Men who enjoy throwing little pity parties for themselves because of feminism looove complaining about how some women expect them to pay for the date. "Wah! Aren't we all supposed to be equal?"
Meanwhile, some vehement feminists are offended when a man tries to pick up the tab, while other women take it as a sign that it "wasn't a date" -- they must have just gone as friends. According to a recent survey by Janet Lever, a sociology professor at California State University, Los Angeles, 10% of heterosexual daters believe the man should pay for everything. Another 10% want to split everything 50/50, starting with the first date. Over 75% of men report that they feel guilty accepting women's money.
My recent post about sexism and the holidays somehow triggered a conversation about dating, and I figured it was time to let the world know:
There is a definite science to figuring out who "should" pay for the date. All you have to do is answer the following questions:
1) Did you initiate the date? Yes/No
If you answered Yes, that means that you should pay for the date, unless:
2) Did you explicitly state before the date how much the date would cost? Yes/No
Here's why this is the rule: I shouldn't have to check my bank account before accepting a date with you.
Say you ask me out to dinner. I say yes. You pick me up and take me to some super fancy restaurant. It's scientifically proven that money is one of the most awkward things to talk about. I've just met you -- and now I have to tell you, "You know, I actually don't make enough money to eat here."
"You know, I'm still paying off student loans, so I can't afford to eat someplace like this."
"I think I'm just going to have the... side of vegetables. And a glass of tap water."
Whereas. If you invite me to a concert, and I say yes, and then you say, "Cool! The tickets are $35 -- I'll send you a link to the EventBrite page!"... I now know exactly how much this date is going to cost. And I know that, although you initiated, you expect me to pay for my own ticket. That way, if it turns out that $35 is out of my budget, I have from now until the day of the concert to suggest something else -- a hike in the foothills, surfing, pickup basketball, or another activity that is more budget-appropriate.
Dates are WAY more fun with dogs!
So THIS is the part where some men like to whine, "Yeah, but that's not faaaaaaair! Men initiate more dates than women!"
That's true. Men do tend to initiate more dates. That's because, in our culture, men woo women. Be a man and deal with it. Because you know what else isn't fair?
The wage gap.
Sexual assault on college campuses.
It sucks, but women deal with it, and/or they look for solutions. So... if you're really upset that women don't ask you out on enough dates, do something about it! Take up the feminist cause! Help blaze the way for equality! That's what you want, right?
Or, at the very least, grow the f@#% up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. If you don't have (or are too stingy to spend) $9 to buy her a burrito on a date that you initiated... maybe you should focus on developing yourself before you suck another person into your personal drama.
Besides, I've initiated plenty of dates in my time. Not nearly as many as I've accepted. But still, some. And, as I wrote in I Judge Guys Who Ask Me Out For Coffee, the dates I initiate are some of the cheapest, most outrageously fun dates ever.
Two fried doughs to go, please!
Want to know more? Check out These Specific Behaviors Will Make You More Charismatic, Starting RIGHT NOW, Why a Terrifying First Date is Better Than a "Nice" One, and How to Know Exactly When (and When NOT) to Kiss a Girl.
1/1/2016 09:27:37 pm
You know what else isn't fair? If we both get drunk and have sex and the following morning you regret it, I become a rapist and go to jail and am labeled as a sex offender for the rest of my life. Why is the male always considered the offender and the female the victim? That is sexism.
1/2/2016 11:37:24 am
I guess one way to make sure that doesn't happen... is not to have sex with people who are drunk. Since it is illegal to have sex with someone who can't give consent. And people who are drunk can't give consent.
2/6/2017 12:11:24 pm
‘I assure you -- people DO charge people with rape because they "regret" having sex with them’
4/21/2021 10:56:18 am
What does this have to do with the post she wrote?
1/29/2016 11:16:55 pm
"Did you initiate the date? Yes / No. If you answered yes, then you should pay for the date."
1/29/2016 11:29:38 pm
Okay, so first of all:
2/10/2016 11:00:41 pm
6/30/2016 07:12:33 am
Why mention the unfairness of the wage gap, sexual assaults, postpartum depression and menopause, as if 'fairness' is your interest?
7/1/2016 04:44:25 am
Oh, honey! Do you actually know what shrill means, or are you just saying it because you've heard the other "big men" saying it?
10/8/2016 07:31:18 am
3/6/2017 02:18:23 pm
If you think Eva is shrill, you may not have read much of her blog. I find her remarkably clear thinking and balanced (even tho I tend to post more about the things I disagree with - because examining those differences is more fruitful than restricting oneself to the "me too" things).
10/8/2016 07:29:31 am
10/8/2016 09:01:54 am
From the article:
7/24/2022 12:22:43 am
I love how the bros whine about "free dinners" but they never say boo about all the free emotional labor that men demand from women. Or the commitment-free sex men try to get from women. Funny how usery going in one specific direction is a-okay for these males.
11/16/2016 12:35:42 am
Sensible tips. If I should ever need to re-enter the dating scene I might return for a tune-up. (Well, that's not likely to happen so soon that it would still be relevant, but anyway)
6/10/2017 10:35:24 pm
I think alternating who pays is a good idea, or splitting it 50/50. I also like the idea of one person paying for dinner and the other drinks or something like that.
6/15/2017 01:28:26 pm
Men: don't do first dates that cost money! Hang out in a park or chill at a library or do something interesting and cheap.
6/15/2017 02:07:40 pm
I mean, I agree completely with the first part of your comment. Free dates are great! Basketball, slacklining, hiking, and skateboarding are all ones I've already mentioned. Mountain biking, jamming on guitars, surfing, and going to talks (I'm going to one called State of the Union on Poverty & Inequality later this week!).
5/10/2018 10:06:09 am
So Eva, I can summarise your post as follows, societal standard against men -> grow the *** up, deal with it. Societal standard against women -> something we all have to bend over backwards for.
5/10/2018 10:34:52 am
I'm curious which part of the article made you interpret it that way. The way I would summarize is it (as I already did, in the article -- did you read it?):
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