The Happy Talent
  • Blog
  • About
  • Popular
  • Education
  • Social Science
  • Travel
  • Products
  • Contact
"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

Girls Don't Like Guys BECAUSE They're Jerks. They Like Them DESPITE Being Jerks.

10/29/2018

6 Comments

 
Picture
One of the most ridiculous (not rediculous) things you hear about dating is the absurd claim that "girls like jerks" and "nice guys finish last."

The reality is that, sure. Some girls like guys who are kinda jerks. But they don't like them because they're jerks. They like them in spite of it. 

Most likely because they have so much else to offer. 

For example, say I meet a guy. Sure, he's tall and handsome... but he's also so so smart. He's funny, he's got a great career, and he likes rock climbing, mountain biking, and basketball -- just like me! 

But...

In the short time I've known him, he's sometimes said things that are a little, like, rude-seeming. Maybe even arrogant. He might even come across as somewhat of a jerk.

But is he?

Chances are... no.

My advisor at Stanford coined the term "fundamental attribution error" -- that is, the tendency to attribute your own behavior to your situation, but the behavior of others to their disposition. 

I know I was rude to my friend this morning because I had a rough morning -- my boss yelled at me, I got stuck in horrible traffic, and my dog puked on the floor. I've seen my behavior across every situation, so I know I'm normally a very nice person.

But you were rude because you are a rude person.  

So, no. Making snap judgements about someone being a jerk or not based on limited observations and motivated reasoning isn't necessarily going to lead to an accurate assessment. (Read more about cognitive reframing.)

Another thing to consider when it comes to jerks: 

Pretty much 80% of the time you think someone is being a "jerk," what's actually going on is they have no idea what they're doing bothers you. Which is why it is important for all of us to use our big boy and big girl words. 

For example, as I wrote in For the Love of GOD, STOP Asking People If They're Okay, and again in ​Unless the Next Words Out of Your Mouth Are Going to be, "Can I Help ___?" Do NOT Tell Me I "Look Tired", there are certain behaviors that bother me. 

​However, I don't get mad when people don't magically read my mind. Instead, I just tell them, "I'm not mad, but that bothered me, so can you not do it again?"

But... okay. Let's just assume that the guy actually does have dick-ish tendencies. 

No woman with an ounce of self-esteem is going to like him because of that. (If her self-esteem is really that damaged, and you're a "nice guy," consider yourself lucky to have dodged a bullet.)

Side note: If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, that's a totally different thing. It's not my area, and I can't comment on it beyond saying, Here's some resources:
  • Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
  • It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence
  • The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
  • Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse
Picture

But the fact is...

No one is perfect. And the only way to ever, like, form lasting relationships and be happy is to embrace someone's whole humanity. Accept the good with the bad... and know when you can no longer accept the bad, because that's when it's time to walk away. 

See also: I don't want to be with a man who loves my intelligence. 

The other fact is... people are more willing to accept (or explore) the bad when the good is better. Like, let's go back to my tall, handsome, smart, funny, basketball playing, mountain biking dude from the beginning of this post. 

I'm way more likely to put in the time to get to know him -- to understand if he truly is arrogant, or if I just perceived one of his actions that way. (I mean, people get their panties up in a bunch and think I'm arrogant all the time, just because I love the way I look or think I'm good at the things I do. Which is silly. If I were going to find me annoying, it would at least be because I say things like, "You should drop everything and chase the moon -- literally!")
Picture
From: @TheHappyTalent on Instagram.

As I write this, I'm thinking specifically of this comic I embedded in What Men Don't Understand When They Complain, "It's Only Creepy If The Guy Isn't Hot" -- 
Picture

I just kind of wish they made the men similar-looking. Or, better for my purposes, that blondie had all these interesting things going for him (and he didn't give money to homeless people, which, IMO, isn't that nice of a thing to do, anyway--it contributes to Slumdog Millionaire-like situations), but sometimes came across as arrogant or crass... and beardie was nice enough, but didn't have interesting/compatible hobbies and pursuits with the woman.

Also, to quote others before me, "nice guys" are often anything but. In the wise words of this Matrix guy:
Picture
Picture

The reason so many "nice guys" "finish last" is that: 

1. If you're able to dehumanize women like that, you probably aren't that nice. 

2. If being nice is all you have to offer... then maybe that is the problem. I wrote some actionable advice about this in You'd Get Invited to More Parties If You'd Mingle Instead of Cling.

So, yeah. Tl;Dr -- It's easy to identify flaws in others and decide they're a jerk. No one is perfect. But forming relationships is about give-and-take, clear communication, growth, and acceptance. 

Girls don't like guys because they're jerks. They like them in spite of it. 

***

Want to know more? Check out:
  • Guys (And Girls): If There's An Attraction, You Don't Need a Pickup Line.
  • Why You Should Flirt With Basically Everyone
  • Behold! The Number One Best Way to Make Friends as an Adult
  • Saying "Before Others Can Love You, You Have to Learn to Love Yourself" Is COMPLETELY FALSE.
  • Guys, Let's Face It: Either Way, You Just Can't Win.
  • These Specific Behaviors Will Make You More Charismatic - Starting Right Now.
6 Comments
Felicia
1/15/2019 04:12:39 pm

Lol this blog is all bias trash. Like that little comic is not what men are talking about, they refer to 6 ft 4 cave mans I've dated in my teens who fucked my friends, tell you they hate you then love you, then hate you and do infact treat you like shit.

I won't give them excuses like ypu either. If you have a bad day and want to be a bitch that's on you. But sorry acting like women arent attracted to power is complete bs.

In high school modest, down to earth and mature were not what I and most women were into. It was the men who seemed in control of everything regardless of means.

I was raped by boy friend named nick and all signs were to know it was going to happen before talking to him.

Women put them selves in danger because of attraction to power, deny its existant orvexcuses those men is not helping. I for one dont subscribe to what your selling here. He raped me and it wasnt because he was misunderstood or had a bad day thanks...

Reply
JC
8/15/2021 02:18:23 pm

And you're right about being attracted to power. There are plenty of women that are drawn to the bad boy like a moth to a flame. It's mainly for the thrill, recognition and the notary.

Reply
changingthenarrative
4/25/2022 12:27:54 pm

If a guy tells you he hates you then he loves you and things like that, he's not a man. He's a beta male. Period.

Reply
JC
8/13/2021 06:55:34 pm

Yep, just being nice doesn't cut it. It does help to be nice or kind but that can't be the only redeeming quality to have. Trying to get with someone you like just because you're only nice and having nothing else to offer is like a builder trying to build a house without his tools or materials lol

Reply
Dan
9/12/2021 08:38:41 am

What does someone need to offer to be considered worthy?

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
12/17/2022 10:41:12 am

There's also a A STRONG correlation between calling yourself a "nice guy" and actually being a manipulative loser.

This guy Karl I used to be friends with is like EVERY "nice guy" meme I've ever seen. I'd've thought the memes were over the top, except that I literally know THAT GUY. I had a death in the family, and he offered to hold me while I cried... and then he instantly tried to manipulate sex out of me while I was vulnerable by whining about how he was always "friendzoned" in high school and college, and it would mean a lot to him if I would have sex with him because he's still so scarred from being friendzoned in college and if I would only let him fuck me, it would be so meaningful and important to him. (Obviously I said no. There is not a woman on this planet who is attracted to men in their 40s who are still hung up on high school.)

He claims he is a "nice guy." But what about this predatory, manipulative behavior is "nice"?

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    About the Author
    Picture
    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


    Want to support The Happy Talent? CLICK HERE!
    Support the Happy Talent
    Or Find me on Patreon!
    Picture

    What's Popular on The Happy Talent:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

      Want more?

    Submit

    Trending in Dating and Relationships:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture



    ​What's Popular in Science:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture


    Playfulness and Leisure Skills:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Popular in Psychology and Social Skills:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Categories

    All
    20s
    Adolescence
    Backpacking
    Boredom
    Boredom Avoidance
    Camping
    Career Advice
    Careers
    Communication
    Confidence
    Consent
    Creativity
    Curiosity
    Dating
    Economy
    Education
    Entrepreneurship
    Fearlessness
    Female Travel
    Feminism
    Free Speech
    Gap Year
    Great Products
    Growth Mindset
    Health
    Hiking
    Hitchhiking
    Life Advice
    Meeting New People
    Mental Health
    Mexico
    Mindfulness
    Most Popular
    National Parks
    Outdoors
    Parenting
    Parenting Advice
    Passive Entertainment
    Play
    Playfulness
    Psychology
    Relationships
    Resilience
    Science
    Scuba Diving
    Self Help
    Self-help
    Sex
    Sports
    Stanford University
    Startups
    Study Abroad
    Summer
    Technology
    Teenagers
    Therapy
    Travel
    Yosemite

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos used under Creative Commons from paweesit, Steven Penton, torbakhopper, Theo Crazzolara, edenpictures, Kiwi Tom, Wrangell-St. Elias National Park, Homedust, wocintechchat.com, Ralphman, wbaiv, kg.abhi, Jamiecat *, UnitedWarVeterans, D()MENICK, True Portraits, Neville Wootton Photography, Salvation Army USA West, South African Tourism, phalinn, WilliamsProjects, j_bary, Japanexperterna.se, thephotographymuse, Elvert Barnes, ThoroughlyReviewed, hairy:jacques, joncutrer, wuestenigel, Franck_Michel, jimwerner25, Imahinasyon Photography, joanne clifford, m01229, Antonio Campoy Ederra, Our Dream Photography (Personal), shixart1985, davidstewartgets, couples in nature, Dage - Looking For Europe, jonseidman, andymw91, garryknight, wuestenigel, Rosmarie Voegtli, werner.philipps, Gage Skidmore, Novafly, dinuxm1, Eddie Yip, Prayitno / Thank you for (10 millions +) views, DMahendra, James_Seattle, jamkablam, vanitystudiosphotography, Luiz Gustavo Leme, oki_jappo, Daquella manera, CasparGirl, Mary Anne Morgan, inkknife_2000 (10.5 million + views), homethods, wocintechchat, Hypnotica Studios Infinite, dailyrectangle, Tobyotter, torbakhopper, Kevin Johnston, David Robb, eisenberg_emily, True Portraits, Douglas Pimentel, pmarkham, Noize Photography, rawdonfox, dollen, davidstewartgets, ed and eddie, Ryosuke Yagi, Anthony_Greene, Ruth and Dave, best couples, Jenn Durfey, Cost3l, Orin Zebest, anjanettew, dollen, Editor B, Alexander Day, LyndaSanchez, polosopuestosblog, UpSticksNGo, Agência Brasil, homethods, Find Rehab Centers, Novafly, Deornelas4, buzzern, seefit, C. VanHook (vanhookc), University of Delaware Alumni Relations, Franck_Michel, gordontarpley, Chris Photography(王權), usadifranci, virgohobbs, TheUglySweaterShop, popofatticus, Mitya Ku, Stefano Montagner - The life around me, Official U.S. Navy Imagery, xxxology, Valentina (GaiaPhotography), True Portraits, Lars Plougmann, Scioto Photos, Carlos ZGZ, quinn.anya, anokarina, amtecstaffing, mliu92, sfbaywalk, MakaiylaW, jerseytom55, Ray in Manila, BoldContent, stevenbates, Janitors, True Portraits, dwhartwig, Kuruman, sffoghorn
  • Blog
  • About
  • Popular
  • Education
  • Social Science
  • Travel
  • Products
  • Contact