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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

Here's How One Pretty Woman Deals With The "Constant Stares and Compliments" From Men

4/26/2016

17 Comments

 
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Every time I log on to Quora, I am struck by the number of people who wonder what it's like to be a beautiful woman -- and, even, how said women deal with the "constant" attention, getting hit on, and getting stared at all the time.
After being asked how I "deal" for the millionth time, I decided to write a post about it. Please note: this is from my own personal experience, and doesn't necessarily reflect the experience of others.

***


For the most part, I don't even notice if or when people "stare" at me. I'm not especially aware of the "constant attention." To the extent that, if you'd asked me about it just a week or two ago, I would have said that they didn't even exist. But a recent experience changed my perspective.
​

See, I just spent five-weeks in Panama and Costa Rica. When I first arrived, I noticed that people down there honk their horns a lot. I figured it had to do with narrow, windy roads -- people wanted to let pedestrians know they were coming, or even to get pedestrians to move over more. So much for "share the road," I remember thinking.

But then, my fourth week in Central America, I met a really cool guy named Mickey. We decided we wanted llama steaks for dinner, and started walking to a restaurant about a mile away.

To set the scene, here's what it looked like. So​ pretty!
Picture
Volcan Arenal in La Fortuna, Costa Rica. Check out la sombra de la puesta del sol.
But, beautiful scenery on the right aside, there was a road to our left. And, as had happened everywhere else in Costa Rica, lots of cars were honking at us when they drove by.

After a while, Mickey asked, "Don't you ever get tired of people honking their horns at you all the time?"


And I was like, "Huh?"

He explained that on his first night in Costa Rica, his cab driver had honked his horn every time they passed a beautiful woman... then looked back at Mickey and said, "Chickas."
​

"I thought he was just doing it to be funny, but then I realized that everyone does it. Well, the men, anyway."

Hm. It had never really occurred to me that this honking had been a form of "catcalling" all along. Which, actually, doesn't surprise me. As I wrote in Dear Felicia Czochanski: You're Gorgeous, But You Don't Understand Street Harassment,
I rarely get catcalled. Probably because I have no fear. I have roamed many of the “murder capitals of the world” alone, at night, without much of a thought. When I hear women lament about how scary it is to go places at night, I have a hard time relating. I’ve never had that experience before.

Meanwhile, you lament, "Imagine how it feels to have heads turn and all eyes on you when you are simply trying to get to where you need to be... The immediate thoughts of whether my skirt is too short or my shirt is too low cause me to doubt the professional outfit that I put on in the morning. I wonder if there's something stuck to my shoe, if I forgot to put on some item of clothing, anything that could be wrong with me that would cause people to stare."

​Maybe I was wrong about how often I get catcalled. Or maybe the catcalls in Costa Rica were due to cultural differences, and don't happen with the same frequency in America. Or both.

But the thing is... Who do you think will have a better experience in Costa Rica, or New York City, or just in life? The person who is constantly wondering if/why everyone is staring (or honking) at her... or the person who only realized the honks were directed at her four weeks later, when someone told her?


I'm going to go ahead and say the girl who was too busy thinking about the beautiful scenery, the fragrance of guava in the air, or the fascinating stranger she's just met to worry what others might be thinking about her.

Coincidentally, I came across an interesting image on Facebook this morning that explains what I'm trying to say a lot better than I'm saying it:
​
Scarcity vs. Abundance Mindset
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Previously, I'd been unfamiliar with the terms scarcity and abundance mentality, but I was already familiar with the concept. I'd read enough psychology studies to know that people who spend a lot of time feeling "watched" or worrying what others think are more neurotic and have more mental health problems. (In fact, the first time I heard the term "microaggression" was in the context of, "People who are more sensitive to microaggressions, as measured by feeling watched in stores, etc., are more likely to have depression and anxiety issues." I never read the study, though, so take it with a grain of salt, as this is based on my memory of a lecture I attended seven years ago.)

Just because I get checked out a lot doesn't mean that I'm so aware of what other people might be thinking about me that I notice or care. I don't constantly walk around thinking about who might be victimizing me.

No way, man. I'm way too present to be worryied about that. I'm way too busy appreciating everyday miracles -- clouds and birds and the beauty of imperfection and the kindness of strangers -- to concern myself with such things.

​Even a scene like this one --
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a gross bus station bathroom with puppies sleeping below the urinal -- can have its own kind of beauty. After all, Costa Rica is more that just surf shops and mango trees.
On the same trip, several men told me that I was beautiful -- and that, I did notice. I mean, it's hard not to notice when someone makes eye contact with and addresses me. This often happened at the beach, where I was wearing very little clothing. Which, in a way, makes me more "vulnerable" or whatever. 
Picture

And while I absolutely support women who view this as threatening or harassing (because in some contexts, it absolutely is), I personally don't see it that way.


For example, on one of my last days in Costa Rica, a man on Langosta Beach and said something to me in passing I didn't quite catch.

"What?" I asked him, looking directly into his eyes.

"I said you look like a model. You are beautiful." He seemed really sincere.

I smiled - what a kind thing for a complete stranger to say. 

And then I went back to enjoying the sunshine and thinking about the great waves I'd just caught. I was already pumped for my next surf session, and the compliment was already long-since forgotten.

***

Want to know more? Check out:
  • The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Gif All Women Need to See IMMEDIATELY
  • How to Classically Condition Yourself to be Happy
  • Advantages of Traveling While Female​
17 Comments
Anonymous
4/26/2016 01:09:16 pm

I think that your height and athleticism might be an important factor here.

First, you are much taller and stronger than an average woman, so creeps are less likely to try to mess with you.

Second, because you are taller and stronger, you know that it isn't that easy to overpower you, hence you feel safer.

It's probably safe to assume that someone's who's short and weak would attract more creeps and feel less safe because they are an easy target.

Then, there are other things, like how prevalent catcalling is in your area, how aggressive do they get, etc.

I think this recent Reddit thread might be interesting to you:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/4fu6n9/what_places_events_or_activities_do_you_avoid/

P.S. I subscribed to your email list, but I'm not getting the updates, can you look into it?

P.P.S. Also, I sometimes want to comment on your post, but I'd prefer to do it via email, is that OK?

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
5/14/2016 01:46:19 pm

Hi there,

Email is fine -- it's just the name of this website at gmail.

I haven't been super diligent about my email list, but I'm working on getting that out more regularly :)

I think you're definitely right about how your location and perceived strength matter when it comes to catcalling. I don't think catcalling is ever acceptable, and it is infuriating when you talk to men about catcalling and they respond by getting all huffy and saying, "Oh, I guess I'll just never say hi to a woman again!"

Including freaking Donald Trump, who recently declared, "“All of the men, we’re petrified to speak to women anymore! Women have it better than we do, folks."

Reply
Fuck you
3/8/2017 08:21:05 pm

Lol, you come off so conceited in all your articles. I doubt guys flaunt themselves at you. If that's really you in the pictures, then you're one fucking ugly white woman. I'm a white man, and I wouldn't even touch you.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
3/29/2017 12:24:43 pm

Jealous, much? Some (extremely insecure) guys get defensive about women they know would never date them. Sounds like you probably fit the bill.

I'm not sure why you're so obsessed with whiteness, though. Did you come here because you're pissed about the "Advice for Asian Men, Black Women, and Other People 'No One' Wants to Date" post? Did you bother to read the article, or did your panties get all up in a bunch before you finished the first paragraph?

www.thehappytalent.com/blog/advice-for-asian-men-black-women-and-other-people-no-one-wants-to-date

As for me being conceited. See also: I'm Not Arrogant. I'm Just Right (www.thehappytalent.com/blog/you-say-arrogant-i-say-right-the-problem-with-debating-the-masses). Objectively, I am very beautiful. Subjectively, I also find myself to be beautiful. Deal with it -- but maybe deal with your own insecurity and anger issues, first.

Thanks for commenting! It's great for my SEO <3

Reply
Humility, much?
8/11/2017 06:49:25 am

"Even though Some (extremely insecure) guys get defensive about women they know would never date them. Sounds like you probably fit the bill." I've never read such a self serving comment before from a supposed journalist in my many years.
While the above poster was incredibly rude, he does have a point. You really do come off as conceited in your articles.It sounds like your striving for validation by constantly complimenting yourself. I'm guessing perhaps at some point in your past you didn't feel pretty? Someone slighted you and now you have to write articles called "I'm thin and pretty"? I mean c'mon you have to admit it's a bit childish and perhaps your just projecting and your the one who is insecure? Humility, grace, being something without having to yell at others about being something is a skill your generation could practice more. Ending on a positive note, I do find your articles humorous and your landscape pictures tantalizing.

Cheers darling.

Eva Glasrud link
8/11/2017 03:30:11 pm

Dear "Humility, much?",

For someone who claims to have read multiple of my articles (which is great for my SEO, so thanks!!), you seem to have missed several stories and examples that demonstrate the stupidity of your comment. I'll share one, from 7 Reasons I Feel Sorry For People Who Call Me Ugly (http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/7-reasons-i-feel-sorry-for-people-who-call-me-ugly):

"One of my earliest memories as a child was seeing my reflection in a window and thinking I was the prettiest girl in the whole world -- though this thought was immediately followed-up with, 'But probably everyone thinks that. It's probably impossible to look at yourself and not think you're beautiful.'

High self-esteem was something I took for granted. I thought everyone loved themselves."

It didn't even occur to me that people could find themselves ugly till, like, college.

Which sucks for them -- I wouldn't trade having high self-esteem for... I don't know. Anything. Having self-esteem and confidence is such a big part of who I am, it's hard to imagine life without it.

The good news, for people like you, is that, other than happiness, There is No Benefit to Having Self-Esteem (http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/there-is-no-benefit-to-having-self-esteem-heres-what-children-should-be-learning-instead).

Go ahead and be "humble" all you want. I'd rather take pride in my accomplishments and love the way I look.

One last tip, which will make your writing look more intelligent: it's "you're", not your. If you enjoy my writing, you should feel free to check out some of my stuff on grammar and spelling. I recommend: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/not-to-nitpick-but-try-takes-the-infinitive-or-a-gerund-not-a-conjunction

D
3/29/2017 12:26:12 pm

Most ignorant comment ever made. Get out from behind your keyboard and address the insecurities within yourself instead of attacking others from behind a keyboard. Pathetic.

Reply
D
3/29/2017 12:27:11 pm

That wasn't intended for you Eva, it was intended for the ignoramus above.

Cheers,
D

Geneva
11/17/2018 01:45:38 pm

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! I laughed at loud your comment for real! These delusional white women thinking their hot sh!t. When is it ever going to end? Talk about being high on an hallucinogen. Thanks for the laugh!

Reply
Roxanna
6/20/2018 12:46:26 pm

I don't know you, but from reading this I have the feeling that you are a very kind-hearted and intelligent person. You seem to have an open mind and I found your advice about having an "abundance attitude" very refreshing. I will try and not care as much what other people think of me and instead look at the people as part of the scenery. Instead of getting annoyed at unwanted male attention, I'll ignore it or enjoy it as if it were just another quirk in my new surroundings. Most women tell me to change the way I look so I don't look as pretty as usual, but why should I have to change the way I look when I enjoy dressing up and being pretty? Instead of changing the environment (or the superficial), I should look deeper and change my mindset instead. Thank you, Eva, for your advice. I hope to read more of your articles soon.

Reply
penny
7/29/2021 07:44:49 am

An old post, but still a valid topic. The article is useless. The writer is either very young, or not used to constant attention. If you get constant attention it sucks! I wish men and woman would stop it! I often miss bus stops because strangers do not stop talking to me, or do not let me leave, or - creeps- even follow me. I have a life people! I have places to go and things to do! Just because you see a beautiful woman walking somewhere you have no right to talk her up, stare at her with your evil eye, or stop her from what she is doing or where she is going! We are not prey! Most people, men and woman alike, are extremely inconsiderate to beautiful woman/girls! This needs to stop! It is not a compliment, it is just plain f*ing annoying and downright rude! Disliking attention is not a lack of self-esteem, it may just mean someone just wants to be left alone. How would you like it, if you can’t go about your daily life, because there is always some creep around some corner trying to get your attention and distracting you from where you need to go, or what you need to do? It might be fun when you get attention once in a year at a special event, but if you cannot leave the house without being annoying by strangers, believe me it gets old fast! I know a lot of former models that have regular office jobs now, and we all look forward to aging in the hope that the constant annoying attention, and disruptions of our lives by others, stop! Some even put on a lot of weight in order to make this harassment stop. Putting on weight does not help. These girls are still beautiful and are still harassed. It is a shame! We try to make ourselves ugly in public, we wear little to no makeup, hair undone, flat shoes, no reviling cloth, a.o. and we still get the daily evil eye by strangers, get talked up wherever we go , get stopped from leaving the bus, and get frequently sexually harassed at work. Unattractive woman have huge advantages! Only unattractive woman enjoy attention, because they are not used to it. I do not need a guy to buy me a drink in a bar! I do not go to bars and if I did, I could pay for my drink myself you idiots! I need men and woman to leave me alone, so I can get on in peace with my life, without your attention and you disturbing me. This is how really beautiful woman think! We are tired of your attention! Stop it! Do not talk us up, do not harass us anywhere and stop staring at us! We do not exist for your personal entertainment. God did not make us beautiful so you can stare at us and harass or annoy us! We are human beings just like you and have a life that you are interfering with if you stop us, harass us, catcall us or annoy us. Reserve your evil stare for when you look at yourself in a mirror!
Ciao ;)

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
7/29/2021 07:57:05 am

Bro -- if you're missing the bus because guys won't leave you alone, you need to work on your assertiveness. I obviously wouldn't have written this article if I didn't get constant attention from dudes (and, at times, women). You accuse me of being "young," which I am, but you don't have the social and assertiveness skills to tell a dude, "Excuse me, that's my bus," so I'm not sure you're in a position to criticize.

This might tie in with some of the other experiences you've been having. I'm rarely catcalled, and I think it's probably because I see myself more as predator, ("I DARE you to fuck with me"), and you see yourself more as prey. Obviously this doesn't mean you deserve street harassment. In a perfect world, people wouldn't bug you when you walk down the street or try to catch a bus. But the world isn't perfect, so your best bet is going to be coming up with strategies to deal with this.

I recommend reading:

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/the-unbreakable-kimmy-schmidt-gif-that-all-women-need-to-see-immediately

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/women-instantly-make-your-whole-life-better-by-learning-this-one-phrase

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/social-distancing-is-the-most-important-time-ever-to-perfect-this-social-skill

Reframe the way you see these interactions. YOU aren't "rude" for interrupting a guy to say, "That's my bus." HE is rude for interrupting YOU at the bus stop.

You can never have your time back, so stop giving it away.

I will try to reply to as many of your points as I can individually, because it might help you figure out what strategies would work best for you.

I'l do it in different posts, though, because there's a word limit in these comment boxes.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
7/29/2021 08:06:08 am

>> "Just because you see a beautiful woman walking somewhere you have no right to talk her up, stare at her with your evil eye, or stop her from what she is doing or where she is going!"

As per the post, I wouldn't even notice this unless someone pointed it out to me. I'm too involved in what I'm doing and where I'm going and what kind of bird that is over there to notice.

Mindfulness and immersion.

>> "How would you like it, if you can’t go about your daily life, because there is always some creep around some corner trying to get your attention and distracting you from where you need to go, or what you need to do?"

When people say things like, "You're so beautiful!" "I love your smile!" etc., I usually smile and say, "Thank you!" or, "You, too!" without slowing or missing a single stride. If it's a legit compliment, like, "You have the best arms I've ever seen!" I'll reply -- again, without slowing or missing a single stride, "Thanks -- I surf, climb, and play basketball!"

Most people ARE just trying to be nice. I know I am beautiful and there aren't a lot of women who look like me (I'm extremely tall and athletic, in addition to being pretty), so it doesn't bother me when other people notice, too.

But I don't let it interfere with my schedule or day.

>> "It might be fun when you get attention once in a year at a special event, but if you cannot leave the house without being annoying by strangers, believe me it gets old fast!"

See above. I usually don't notice unless someone points it out. When I do notice, I don't let it interrupt my day.

>> "Some even put on a lot of weight in order to make this harassment stop."

That's sad. They could have just learned some basic assertiveness and boundary setting.

>> "Putting on weight does not help."

Neither does wearing a hijab. Neither does anything. If men are going to be harassers, they're going to be harassers. It's not about what WE do. It's about what THEY do.

>> "We try to make ourselves ugly in public, we wear little to no makeup, hair undone, flat shoes, no reviling cloth, a.o. and we still get the daily evil eye by strangers, get talked up wherever we go , get stopped from leaving the bus, and get frequently sexually harassed at work."

Never make yourself be less. Not for anyone.

>> "Unattractive woman have huge advantages!"

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. I know you're not that ignorant. The beauty bias is real. Being beautiful helps us in pretty much ever aspect of our lives, with a few minor drawbacks. Holy moly -- I can't believe the total major lack of perspective you just showed by saying this, but I'll attribute it to a moment of weakness and emotion, not to you being ridiculous.



Eva Glasrud link
7/29/2021 08:13:43 am

>> "Only unattractive woman enjoy attention, because they are not used to it."

That's probably true to some degree, but no one likes being harassed.

>> "I do not need a guy to buy me a drink in a bar!"

If a guy wants to enjoy the pleasure of my company for the amount of time it takes for the bartender to make me a drink, I'm usually happy to chat with him for a few minutes. I've made some good friends this way, and I've brightened a lot of men's days this way.

I don't feel bad about men buying me drinks, because I know how many more incredible jokes and insights I have to offer. My beauty is the least interesting thing about me. I know it. They'll know it soon enough.

See also:

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/im-not-using-feminine-wiles-im-just-worth-spending-time-with


>> "I do not go to bars and if I did, I could pay for my drink myself you idiots!"

Maybe you should try it! Bars are fun. You can dance to live music. You can crush people at trivia. You can perform at open mics or rock out at live band karaoke. You can throw axes, play ping pong, or enjoy a drink around a fire. Lots of bars are dog-friendly -- some bars are even dog parks (I just enjoyed a moscow mule at Bark & Brew in Green Bay, https://barknbrewwi.com/)!

I wouldn't go if I couldn't pay for my own drinks, and I don't go counting on people to buy my drinks, but of course people are going to offer. Rather than get upset about it, I have fun chatting with someone new for 2-3 minutes. When it doesn't turn into a friendship, it can turn into a professional networking opportunity, a musical collaboration, or just an interesting conversation during which I learned something new about cameras, Oaxaca, biotech, or whatever else we may have talked about.

Lori
9/2/2021 06:49:16 pm

Thank you Penny for saying this. I can totally relate. The older I get, the more angry I am. And the louder I get in public with men who have staring problems. I've gone TOTAL PSYCHO many times. If they thought I was pretty on the outside, they're about to get a full dose of ugly.

I just want to go about my business (run errands, grocery shop, etc). I came on here for advice. The old saying, "If you can't change a situation CHANGE HOW YOU THINK about the situation". It really weighs on my mind. I want to tell myself that the men staring are 'part of the scenery' or 'a quirk' like someone suggested. I want to pretend they're not there. But it feels like I'm letting them win.

I'm a wife and mom. My life is busy and I'm always short on time. The last thing I need is someone's eyes on me as if I exist to please them visually. I usually just go the other way. But losing time upsets me. The inconvenience upsets me. If I open my mouth, people will hear me a half mile away.

Overwhelming anger.

Eva Glasrud link
9/4/2021 11:00:40 am

Lori,

Good! I'm really glad you feel comfortable asserting your boundaries and telling creepers to fuck off. Nothing makes me more angry than people trying to waste my time, because time is something you can NEVER get back.

Eva Glasrud link
7/29/2021 08:16:12 am

>> "I need men and woman to leave me alone, so I can get on in peace with my life, without your attention and you disturbing me."

Are you sure the issue is that you're beautiful, and not that you're antisocial?

>> "Do not talk us up, do not harass us anywhere and stop staring at us!"

Again, I agree. In a perfect world, every conversation would be mutually wanted. This is not a perfect world. You can either make yourself fat and ugly, or withdraw from public life, or learn how to be assertive and conduct yourself like a predator, not prey.

>> "Reserve your evil stare for when you look at yourself in a mirror!"

LOL -- yes! I love this! Sounds like you've got a great sense of humor :)

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