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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

I Get Invited to SO Many Guys' Weekends... Because I'm Not ACTUALLY Friends With Them

1/26/2022

5 Comments

 
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Friends! Because we aren't actually friends.

Because I am a passionate defender of women's sex-based rights (our oppression is sex-based, and therefore our rights, spaces, and legal protections must be sex-based, too), and because I do not tolerate male violence against women (sometimes, before I hang out with a guy for the first time, I tell him, "If you ever touch me without my consent, I will kill you" — and I mean it), damaged beta males sometimes accuse me of "hating men."

Couldn't be further from the truth. I love men.

Absolutely love them. 

They smell good. They're hilarious. They're more likely than women to like the things I like, such as surfing, mountain biking, boar hunting, attending open mics, going to the beach in the middle of the night, playing basketball, etc. 
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Image: Yes, I'm Six Feet Tall. No, I Won't Move So You Can See Better.

Since starting my journey as a full-time RVer, I've had the incredible opportunity to meet and join groups of men who are having some sort of "guys' weekend." (For whatever reason, I just have not run into any groups of women at campgrounds or in the woods having some kind of "girls' weekend.")

I've been to three bachelor parties. I've been to two annual guy-friend camping  or surfing trips. And, recently, I met up with The Breakfast Club, an outrageously talented and hilarious 80s cover band. 

My invitation was always by coincidence. I happened to be camping where they were camping, and we became buddies. As I've written in so many travel journal entries, as well as several Eva Via originals, including Road Trip, A Lifetime in a Day, and I Love This Coffee Mug, a lot can happen between people in a short amount of time when the right conditions are met (openness, willingness, trust, shared interests, and perhaps a certain spark or  je ne sais quoi). 
tEven though I've always felt very included in these weekends, I am always actively mindful. Am I imposing? Should I go away so they can have their special guy time? 

Yet every time I say I'm going to leave, they'll cook me a pork chop or put more bait on my hook or pour me another bourbon, which seem to be pretty clear signs that I am, indeed, wanted. 

No, it's not sexual — a lot of the times, most or all of the guys are married. It's not about that — it's that we're actually getting along. (Contrary to what some women think, whether due to low self-esteem or something else, women are worth spending time with, even when sex is completely off the table — but isn't it so sad that some women think if they hang out with dudes they're somehow "leading him on," or that the guy is going to be disappointed when it doesn't lead to sex? It's as thought they think the only thing they have to offer is their vagina, and not their intelligence, amazing sense of humor, or their stories and ideas and experiences and sense of adventure?)
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Image: How to Swim With Manatees in Florida

We have the most amazing times together ever.

We laugh until it hurts. We grill the most amazing meat anyone's ever eaten. We make beautiful (and sometimes bawdy) music and catch beautiful (and sometimes messy) waves.

It feels like being real friends...

Except I know that if we were real friends, I would not have been invited on this trip.

I got invited because I'm some random, cool stranger who happened to be camping or mountain biking in the same place, at the same time. ​

But if I were a not-random, cool female friend from home, I would most likely not have been invited camping or mountain biking. 

This makes me sad. 

Like, once I sell my RV and go back to living a "normal" life (well, as normal as life can be to someone who lives every day like she's traveling)... am I just going to be excluded from some of the most thrilling social excursions because they are male-only? Am I doomed to a lifetime of ladies' nights and mani-pedis?

I really hope not. I haven't actually seen any of my friends in almost two years, but I seem to remember fun weekend excursions to Yosemite, Big Sur, the Payette... and even Futaleufú. 
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Image: The Happy Talent on Instagram

While all of these trips were male-dominated, I was always included (obviously), and sometimes there were even other girls along. 

None of those friends ever seemed to have a particular desire to exclude women because we somehow "ruin the dynamic" with our ladybrains and our lady interests and our ladyparts. 

There absolutely were, however, certain tensions at times. As I wrote in It's REALLY Weird How Many Couples Supervise Each Other, 


I haven't been keeping official numbers, but I'd say at least half of the dudes I've reached out to — including dudes I haven't spoken to in over ten years, including dudes with whom I have no romantic history — respond instantly by saying, HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON!!!!! I NEED TO ADD MY WIFE/GIRLFRIEND TO THE THREAD 
RIGHT AWAY!!!!!

Read more > 



Sometimes, even with guys who are 100% down with spending time with women, girlfriends can be weird about us spending time together. I've got one surf buddy who is "allowed" to surf with me, and even ride in the car alone with me — without even getting permission from his girlfriend...

And I've got another who always makes a big fuss about trying to invite more people when I'm the only person on the group text who's available to surf that day. "Are you sure your boyfriend can't come?! Are you suuuuuuuure your boyfriend can't come?"

I know it's not coming from him. I know he's being supervised and pressured into finding reasons to bail on surfing when it's just the two of us.

It got to the point that I didn't even want to tell anyone when I broke up with my last boyfriend, because I was afraid that once people found out I was single, my guy friends wouldn't be allowed to hang out with me anymore. 

So the lack of women at "guys' weekends" is clearly not only the fault of men. (Well... maybe it is. A reasonable argument is that it is their fault that they choose to let their partner control their social and recreational decisions, instead of doing what a healthy, well-adjusted person would do and trust their partner.)

But so here's the thing. I fight for women's sex-based rights, including sex-based spaces and activities, every day. As I said before, our oppression is sex-based. Women are oppressed because we have female bodies.  Women are oppressed because they are physically smaller and weaker than men, and therefore vulnerable to male violence — which is so prevalent that all of us have been harassed, groped, and made to feel intimidated, and many of us have been the victims of male violence against women.

This is why I fight for female-only sports. 


​This is why I fight for female-only bathrooms and locker rooms. It's not just about the privacy and dignity we deserve to deal with our uniquely female needs... it's about our literal safety. (Yes, transwomen also deserve safety... the problem is, women aren't human shields to protect transwomen from male violence. I would 100% join the fight for single-user and OPTIONAL gender-neutral a bathrooms, but I 100% reject "self-ID" as the criterion for males entering women's bathrooms. It makes it easier for males to harm women, it harms women in the workplace and girls in school, and it removes any recourse women have against predators in their private spaces. It is unethical and immoral to tell women they must accept fear, danger, embarrassment, and discomfort to accommodate male feelings, when there is a solution that would provide a safe place to change and pee without violating women's human rights.)

I also think it's important for women to maintain female-only groups to discuss topics like breastfeeding, pregnancy, sexual assault, PMDD, endometriosis, and other uniquely-female issues. 

Of course, I also think that men have a right to male-only spaces. Men have the same right to privacy and dignity as women do. Whether due to social, religious, or even trauma-based reasons, many men would not be comfortable sharing a private space with females. 

I also support their right to maintain male-only groups to discuss topics that only affect men, though it's a little less clear to me what would be discussed in such groups. 

But I continue struggling to understand why men need to exclude all women from something like a mountain biking or camping trip. What is it about all​ women (except for the random, cool stranger across the way) that inherently ruins the weekend? 
​
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Don't mind me. I'm just sitting here ruining everything for everyone with my ladiness. Image: The Happy Talent

Especially considering we're not talking about whether a stranger of the opposite sex should be allowed to enter a private space with unconsenting strangers. 

We're talking about people who are (presumably) friends. 

I don't understand it. I don't really have any answers. I'm just musing, because I really, really don't want to be doomed to a life of ladies' nights while the guys have all the epic, outdoor fun.

​Am I to continue doing everything alone forever? Am I to always rely on the temporary friendship of strangers? 

Share your thoughts in the comments, because I sincerely want to hear additional perspectives and insights.​

***

Note: I mentioned several male-only events I've attended in the last 16 months in this post. I mentioned that I know I would not have been invited had I been real friends with the guys on the trip. I should also mention that there is one exception: The Breakfast Club. They 100% wouldn't exclude women — as long as you're as outrageously high-energy and fun as these guys (and girls – they've got a female singer, who was in Florida but didn't hang with us when I was there, and a female drummer, who was not in Florida last weekend), you're welcome to join in their shenanigans.

I should also mention that this group is insanely talented, and if you're in any way involved in booking or event planning, you should hir them. Also, some of the guys in the band have put together an incredible new production called Radio Gaga, a Lady Gaga + Queen show — "the concert that never was" — and it is epic.
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​Image: Radio Gaga Tour on Facebook
5 Comments
Liz
1/28/2022 10:46:08 am

No real answers, but I would love to find more women's groups that pursue fun adventures. My closest friends who are women tend to want to "hang out" (usually at someone's house) or maybe do a brief hike first, but I'm craving more adventure, more risk, more skill, and it's hard to find people to go with (more so in the pandemic). I do think there are great groups out there, but to be honest, I've been discouraged by how many advertise themselves to "womxn and all GNC people" or "women of all identities and gender minorities and non-binary individuals." If I'm looking for a women's group, a mixed-sex group is not the answer, and yet it's all I'm seeing on offer lately.

100% support the right to single-sex spaces for all the reasons you listed and more. Anyone who isn't interested in them is not obligated to participate in them. Anyone who finds them upsetting is not obligated to keep focusing on them.

Reply
Lindsey Ernst
1/28/2022 05:53:06 pm

I love your writing and agree 100%! I wish I had more friends that did more outdoor stuff and got me to do it, too!! I also wish I didn’t live in Iowa.
Growing up, and even still, I am more “one of the guys.” I totally get it!
Okay but I like manis and pedis too!

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
1/30/2022 09:41:54 am

Next time I'm in the area, I'll hit you up! We'll do mani-pedis, then go ruin them in the backcountry. :P

Reply
changingthenarrative
4/25/2022 10:54:38 am

It really is so refreshing to come across an actual sane adult human female who fights for sex based rights while also acknowledging that men have every right to our own men-only spaces and have rights as well. It's really sad and disheartening how rare that is these days.

I could explain or go into detail about guy-only spaces and the complexity of what guys talk about alone and "guy culture" but it would be too long for a comment. I actually plan on starting a blog in the near future with this name I'm commenting under being the title, so I'll just write a blog post on the subject and link it here when it's posted -if you don't mind. I will say though that some of the deepest, most meaningful conversations I've ever had were with other working class guys.

You and I seem very similar in our views on interactions between the sexes. I've always loved the company of women and having female friends when possible because the energy is so much different from that of many guys these days. Women don't view me as competition, and even if they're bi or lesbian then I'm still not really competition. Women aren't trying to grandstand on me or flex or anything. Women are also more likely to want to do fun, non-serious things or non-masculine things that many guys I know would not only not be interested in but would make fun of another guy for or disparage his manhood. It's really fun to be around women, and I do feel that men and women can absolutely be friends. I'm not looking for sex from every woman I encounter nor do I just cut off a woman if she isn't interested in me that way. I don't live my life by what one person thinks of me or whether or not one person is interested in me that way, and it allows me to be friends with women who I might have been interested in once that way. We're all human beings though. I don't think a woman is lucky to spend time with me if I don't expect sex from her nor do I think the reverse is true, and I definitely don't think not sleeping with me is leading me on. Even if we're flirting, we're both two consenting adults who consent only to what we each choose to consent to. Even if we kissed, that doesn't mean it's going anywhere else. Even if we kissed and fooled around, that doesn't mean we'll have sex. And so on. I just live my life by the attitude that I won't take advantage of you nor will you take advantage of me, and in the example of say paying for food for someone or sharing a bottle of wine or whatever that I'll pay when I can and you'll pay when you can. I've always felt the person hosting or doing the taking out should be the one who pays or provides food, alcohol, etc but there can of course be exceptions to that.

It's funny you bring up beta males because that's exactly the type of behavior of those who attack women for saying sex matters are engaging in. It's 100% the beta male playbook, and beta males -like the insecure women who feel threatened by your even knowing their boyfriends or husbands- are insecure and feel threatened by women like you and by guys like me. What they hate most is that you aren't on that same frequency or wavelength of caring about what everybody thinks and seeing everyone as competition rather than being secure in yourself the way you clearly are.

People should take you as an inspiration to find their own voice and their own backbone, and the people who don't respond that way to your trying to uplift and empower your fellow women and stick up for men are responding how they are because it's easier to attack others than work on yourself.

I too think it would be unbelievably easy to just give transpeople their own bathroom and their own sports leagues and be done with it or to have ones where gender doesn't matter and everyone is allowed. Women's sports exist for a reason, and strengthening women's sports is key to not just gender equality but relations between men and women and everybody in between. Men don't need to slink down and denounce masculinity. Women need to embrace their own power and their own backbone and realize that they can hold their own, just like women did from the '70s until this whole "toxic masculinity" nonsense started about a decade or so ago.

Let's be real. Without masculinity, we wouldn't have women like you and all other women who kicked doors down and showed they could hang with the men. We wouldn't have that whole Riot Grrrrl thing. We wouldn't have radfems. We wouldn't have female athletes in dangerous or extreme or even in contact sports. It's masculinity that created the sports, created the aggressive music and aggressive culture that produced it, and that created the very attitude radfems are all about. That defiance would not exist without the hostile, aggressive culture that masculinity created. Even in the ancient world among indigenous tribes, it's masculine energy that created female warriors in the first place. Because masculinity isn't limited to men. That's a complete

Reply
changingthenarrative
4/25/2022 11:44:13 am

Ah it seems the rest of my comment was cut off. Wish I'd seen this right after posting it so I could remember it verbatim. Oh well.

Reply



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    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


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