If someone says, "I'm okay," BACK OFF and let them be okay.

8/18/2021

I know you mean well... but you're making it SO much worse. Image: @TheHappyTalent

During a recent trip to Cape Cod, I put on my swimsuit and frolicked in the gorgeous Provincetown water. The water was surprisingly warm — maybe 68 degrees or more! — and even though the air temp was dropping, the setting sun felt incredible on my body.

I was completely immersed in this wonderful, magical moment, when my former buddy Glen jerked me from my bliss with an obnoxious question:

"Aren't you cold?"

I wasn't offended — I was confused!

"No... Why would I be cold? This day is perfect!"

"Look at you! You look miserable! You have goosebumps!"

I knew what he was doing — he was trying to be some kind of hero by "noticing" I was cold, then running to get me a jacket.

"Glen, I could splash a few drops of water on your face and you'd probably start shivering. It's a physiological response... but it doesn't mean your body temperature has dropped or you're cold! I'm honestly loving this!"

"Are you sure? I can go back to the car and get you a jacket."

I should have sent him back to the car, just so I could have a few moments of peace. Instead, I told him, "Glen. I've been scuba diving in Alaska. I've surfed Santa Cruz until my hands were so frozen, I couldn't even get my car key in the door. I've trekked the Andes in the shoulder season, surviving not only below-freezing temperatures, but also 90 kilometer per hour winds. I used to jump off the bridge into the Exeter River on the first snow of the year... I think I can handle a warm summer day in Cape Cod."

The hike back down Rinjani was much warmer than the hike up, which started at 12:15am, and during which there were moments I sincerely thought I might lose my fingers to frostbite. Image: The Happy Talent

)
"Just let me get you a jacket. You look miserable."

I didn't respond — I just turned around and dove into the bay.

It wasn't a big deal — I'm happy, healthy, and strong. Glen could annoy me, but he couldn't completely undermine my self-image and mental health.

HOWEVER.

What he just did. The thing I just described. That's the kind of thing well-meaning "heroes" do to their friends all the time...

And if they're vulnerable, or at a vulnerable time in their day or life, your concern trolling could be completely demoralizing to them.

It's like I wrote in For the Love of God, STOP Asking People If They're Okay! (Ask This Instead):

All of human interaction can be graphed on an X-Y axis, where X is communion (actions that show caring and bring us closer to others) and Y is agency (actions that establish power or authority.

During social interactions, the behavior of one person invites complementary behavior from the other person -- or else there is tension in their system. If I do/say something that is high in agency, the complementary response will be low in agency -- we can't both be the authority.

Meanwhile, if I do something high in communion, the complementary response would also be high in communion -- we like people who like us, and it hurts to be rejected.

So let's go back to Glen. He asked if I was cold (or, more accurately, he demanded that I admit to being cold) and offered to help me by getting me a jacket. This is an action that is high in communion, because it showed care and concern. HOWEVER, it was also high in agency, because he put me in a position where I needed help, and he put himself in the position of the helper.

I am not struggling with feelings of agency. I feel more empowered now than I ever have in my life. Even so. It really did yank me from my moment. It really did confuse me to think, "I feel so happy! Do I really look that miserable?"

Now imagine if I were struggling with agency. Imagine if I were barely holding my shit together. Imagine if I were proud of myself, just for managing to get out of bed that morning, get dressed, and stick my toes in the water...

And then fucking Glen said that.

Indeed, the post continues:

By interesting coincidence (or maybe it's no coincidence at all), human depression tends to manifest itself in one of two ways:

- feelings of disconnection/low communion (e.g., "I'm lonely," "No one loves me," I don't have a single friend that I can confide in," etc.)

- feelings of helplessness/low agency (e.g., "I feel helpless," "I feel worthless," "It's hard to get out of bed in the morning," etc.)

We all want to help our friends. And, living in a society that is obsessed with telling people they are weak (see also: today's teenagers have worse self-soothing skills than literal babies), that insists that rather than aim for self-improvement, we indulge in "self-care" (yes, rather than dealing with your shit, you should totally paint your nails and take a bubble bath), we think the way to help our friends is by concern trolling them.

But it's time to unlearn toxic social messaging and pay attention to the actual research.

How can you help your friends when they seem to be struggling, whether with depression, an injury, sexual trauma, relationship abuse, unemployment, or something else?

It's hard. Everyone is different and has different needs. But here's a REALLY easy way to get started.

If someone tells you they are okay, BACK OFF and LET THEM BE OKAY.

Even if you want to be the hero. Even if they say they're okay and you don't believe them.

Because if they say they're okay and you insist that they aren't, what you're really doing is telling them that, as hard as they’re trying, they’re failing at being okay.

They’re not strong — they’re weak.

They’re not independent — they need your help.

They don’t look good — they look like shit and everyone can tell.

You’re robbing them of their agency at what is possibly THE time when they need that agency more than ever.

If you really want to help someone who says they’re okay (but you think they’re not), use words and take actions that empower them and boost their agency, but also build feelings of communion.

Instead of, “Ohhhhhh, honeyyyy!!! Are you okayyyyyyy????? Are you SUUUUUUURE you’re okay???!!!!”, try something like:

What're you working on these days? I feel like you always come up with really creative and unexpected ways to solve problems.
Let's catch up soon -- like really catch up. What's your schedule look like this week?
You've always been really good at ___. Can I pick your brain for a project I've been working on?
You're a super important friend to me. I couldn't have gotten through ____ without you.
If you ever need anything, let me know! You were totally there for me that time when _____.
Wanna go for a walk? I'd love to get outside today! We can talk about whatever. Or we can just listen to the birds.
I'm pretty much going to sit at my house alone and watch Netflix tonight. I'd love it if you'd sit with me. Or we can go to your place — you brew that awesome kombucha!
Can I get some advice about _____?
You majored in ____, right? I know this is a little outside your field, but do you know anything about _____?
You look great today!
Seeing you always makes my day!
I was JUST thinking about you! Remember that time we ________!?
I could really use a hug.
I saw that you accomplished _____. Way to go!
I've been on this thing lately where I've been asking people, "What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?" What's yours?
I read online that one of the best ways to make new friends as an adult is to become a regular — somewhere, anywhere. I was thinking that open mic at Freewheel... but I'm having a little trouble getting started. It's hard to just show up at a brewery by yourself, you know? Could you help? Would you be down to grab a few beers with me at open mic once a month? And laugh at my jokes, even if they're not funny?

All of these actions are high in communion. All of them are directly actionable. ("We should totally hang out sometime," is not the same as, "Get out your calendar. Let's pick a date.")

And all of them build up, rather than tear down, the other person's agency.

If they say they're okay and you don't believe them, creating space and time for them to talk to you if they want to is going to be a lot more helpful than badgering them to self-disclose at a time or place they might not be comfortable doing so.

Some people aren't very comfortable with self-disclosure — especially men. One way to make people feel comfortable self-disclosing to you is for you to self-disclose to them. It's not "making everything about you." It's letting them know that you trust them. It's letting them know that, even though they may be struggling, you still value their opinion and advice.

Besides, research shows that asking someone for a favor actually makes them like you more. So by doing this, you're not just helping a friend. You're helping yourself develop closer and more supportive relationships. You're not pretending they're helping. You're sincerely allowing them to help you.

However, keep in mind that even if you create time and space for them to self-disclose, they still might not want to talk to you about what's going on. Fine. Unless you're genuinely worried for their safety, BACK OFF AND LET THEM BE OKAY.

Insisting that someone isn't okay and needs your help may be the most demoralizing thing ever.

Imagine surviving a rape, and being terrified that you lost the person you were and you'll never be the same again... and then having all of your "friends" reinforce that fear by insisting that you're helpless and broken and something is obviously wrong with you.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

If they want to tell you, they will. If they don't, you should respect that.

One last point, which I shared in Unless the Next Words Out of Your Mouth Are Going to be, "Can I Help ___?" Do NOT Tell Me I "Look Tired":

STOP TELLING PEOPLE THEY LOOK TIRED.

Because why?????

WHAT IS THE POINT?

Would you walk up to someone and say, "Whoa. Your hair looks crapy today!"

"Ew. You look like you've put on a few pounds."

"That is the ugliest outfit I've ever seen!"

Hopefully not. Not unless it's important, and you're going to follow-up with some kind of actionable offer or advice, like:

"I have some bobby pins if you want to run and fix it."

"I'm going to start packing you healthier lunches." (Obviously you'd have to have a certain kind of relationship for this to come up.)

"I have a cardigan in my car if you want to borrow it for the meeting."

Saying "you look tired" is the same way. You're not helpfully telling them they've got something stuck in their teeth to spare them some embarrassment.

You're just telling them that you think they look like shit.

What does that accomplish? Either they are tired/sick/stressed, and they're just trying to make it through the day, and you've just made it even worse... or they're totally fine, and you just made them feel like they look like shit for no reason.

Conclusion: if you go around telling people they look tired, you are either intentionally or accidentally being a dick.

Read more >

I'm sure plenty of readers won't make it this far. They'll be annoyed or disagree with me or get hung up on how Glen was "just trying to help."

Good! Be critical! Be skeptical!

But I hope, if you truly care about helping your friends, you will turn the same skepticism on yourself and your own actions. It's not a sign of a bad thinker to use new evidence and ideas to hone your opinion — it's actually a trait of all the best thinkers.

6 Comments

8/24/2021 02:30:10 pm

"research shows that asking someone for a favor actually makes them like you more." Bullshit. There was this girl who asked me for countless favors (which I did for her) but whenever I asked her to do me a favor, she refused to do it. She never once returned the favor. The only time she contacted me was when she wanted me to do a favor for her. She would never contact me just to say hi or contact me to invite me to do something with her that wasn't a favor. Whenever I would contact her when she DIDN'T want a favor, she would ignore me or she would call me annoying and act like I'm bugging her. I ended up feeling used and taken advantage of.

Eva Glasrud link

10/29/2021 09:36:20 am

This girl asked you for COUNTLESS favors, not one single favor -- and she never reciprocated. Reciprocity is another crucial component of liking.

It sounds like this woman was a user, and it's good you realized that.

Zeph

10/30/2021 12:03:03 pm

As usual, you make some good points. I can see how insisting that someone must be cold or need help (etc) can land as disempowering to some people; especially in the egregious case you started with, where you could not get him to stop. I'll keep that possible sensitivity in mind.

Where I have some qualification is making it into a universal prescription (what to always do), rather than a consideration which may apply some times, and not apply other times (something to be aware of and considering).

Let me give you an example. I've been part of an organization where hugs and eye contact are very common, sometimes in puja like rotating circles; the leaders have at times suggested that if it's comfortable, it can be helpful for a taller person to lower themselves to they are closer to eye to eye and heart to heart. One relatively short woman decided that such efforts amounted to a "microagression", because it was a way that tall people emphasize their height privilege, so she was calling them out and telling them to stop. That is, rather than being authentic (and very slightly vulnerable) by requesting "Hey, if you can remember, I'd appreciate it if you do not try to match your height with mine when we are hugging or eye gazing; it doesn't work for me", she tried to make what she wanted the only moral action for everybody, to come from a position of moral authority to speak for the tribe (or at minimum all short people) rather than from a personal request. (You can guess what flavor of politics she is involved with).

(Aside. Other short people spoke up and said that they actually appreciated taller people stooping when they can; one said she got neck problems when she had to look up too much. Nobody else endorsed the first woman's request, and so it did not become a new norm in the group.)

While you don't invoke political correctness as she did (!!), you do seem to have a tendency to speak for all recipients and to tell others what they should always do. Instead of "keep this in mind because it applies to a number of people and situations", you translate that valuable insight into bold faced imperatives, which in turn are wrong-making for non-compliance.

I suggest that this tendency may serve your deeper message, and might be an unconscious pattern worth reflecting upon. Obviously up to you.

I want to suggest that your message may actually transmit better if you consider your role to be raising consciousness in a flexible manner, rather than emphasizing one-size-fits-all prescriptions. That is, you might be heard better by your intended audience, with less unnecessary friction or pushback.

We see a lot of that among neo-progressives, who are more intent on controlling the behaviors and thoughts of others, than on raising awareness but then trusting that more aware people can have the agency to decide when advice applies and when it does not.

Like a diversity trainer I encountered who basically told us that praising a Black speaker was not a compliment but an insult, because Black speakers consider it patronizing. She could have tried to raise consciousness (1 - before you speak, reflect to yourself about whether you are unconsciously thinking "... for a Black person" and rethink if you are and 2- be aware that even if your intentions are not in any way condescending, this is a sensitivity for SOME Black people so if you want your compliment to land for more people, consider rephrasing to be more specific). Instead she opted to tell people they were insulting and to implicitly stereotype all Black folks. In my view, she turned an opportunity for more sensitive communication into an unnecessary power struggle over who gets to control what is and is not an insult (answer: the more marginalized person's view is always right).

But this approach (prescribe the one right way rather than raising awareness of common pitfalls) has become so pervasive, that parts of it can be unconsciously adopted even by people who are not trying to be woke. So I think it can be helpful to reflect.

Cheers.

10/30/2021 01:10:54 pm

Edit to previous.

"helpful for a taller person to lower themselves SO they are closer "

"I suggest that this tendency may NOT serve your deeper message"

sigh.

10/30/2021 01:01:48 pm

>"During social interactions, the behavior of one person invites complementary behavior from the other person -- or else there is tension in their system.

> If I do/say something that is high in agency, the complementary response will be low in agency -- we can't both be the authority.

> Meanwhile, if I do something high in communion, the complementary response would also be high in communion -- we like people who like us, and it hurts to be rejected."

I need to question this. You are saying that the "complementary" response to high agency is low agency, and that the "complementary" response to high communion is high communion. Is "complementary" really a good word for these *opposite* responses?

---

But it's the first I really want to discuss. I have long welcomed and sought relationships where both people are empowered and have agency. We don't have to walk on eggshells around each other, because either of us can assert, and either of us feel free to push back if necessary. Both can have healthy boundaries at the same time, strong but flexible and not impermeable.

I seek to cultivate high agency in myself (the opposite of learned helplessness), and I seek to relate to others with high agency.

How about you? Do you avoid it in yourself, or if you embrace it for yourself (and you strike me as a high agency person) do you find yourself attracted mostly to the "complement", ie: people with low agency?

The concept that "if one person is strong/healthy/active/clear, that inherently forces the other person to be weak/unhealthy/passive/confused", underlies a LOT of victim ideology. It's a form of zero-sum game thinking which in many situations undermines mutual gain and mutual respect. One person's success (psychologically, emotionally, financially, or other) is seen as always inherently at the expense of exploiting or harming others. This means that tearing down those with competence or agency is just as valued, if nor more so, than raising up those with low agency.

If it's natural for one person's high agency to produce low agency in others, then why has my life experience been that it can actually help free the agency of others (or myself)? And this feels healthy - many of the gains in my life have come from embracing mutual empowerment and agency, seeking win/win interactions when possible.

(Aside, even the strongest and most healthy of us have weaknesses too; I am seeing agency as desirable direction to cultivate, not as a "should" with scorn for any human weakness).

I think you may be conflating agency - feeling in charge of your self and empowered to make choices and take action in the world - with domination or control. Two people in relationship can very happily and healthily both have high agency, but if instead they are following a dominator/victim paradigm then only one gets to be the dominator (at a given time at least).

But I do NOT want to push that dominator/victim paradigm as the underpinning of all understanding of human interactions, and particularly not as a paragon or as "normal". I see it as a pathology to prefer that framing, over seeking mutual strength as the desirable end state whenever possible.

I got from Starhawk a concept which in my version describes power as "power over (others)" or as "power from within".
Power over is about control, domination, unilateral advantage, wrong making, zero-sum games, and crushing agency in others. Power from within is about resilience, competency, self-respect, earned confidence, free thought and agency.

Power over others is unidirectional, but power from within can easily be, and at best is, mutual and bidirectional.

Every time I read somebody making an assertion about "power", I reflect on whether they are talking about power over or power from within (or switching between); it's a useful clarifying internal question which I recommend.

So I think you are seeing "agency" as "power over" rather than as "power from within". I urge you to adopt a different label for your vertical axis, like domination, to reflect the concept you are seeking to describe.

10/30/2021 01:19:14 pm

Rereading, I want to note that there are situations which are inherently zero sum, there are real victims, threre is real exploitation, and sometimes a win/win is not possible.

I do not mean to exclude those realities from my universe. My objection (in general, not specific to you) is to focusing on such things as the preferential lens for understanding every interaction. For some people, the idea that something could be mutually beneficial is often alien; their universe is dominated by concepts of oppressor/oppressed, victimizer/victim, winner/loser and so they have trouble seeing anything else. Boy with a hammer stuff.

If someone says, "I'm okay," BACK OFF and let them be okay.

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