Sorry, But No. Not Every Part of Every Culture Deserves My Respect.

3/20/2017

Everyone who knows me knows I love to travel. In the past year, I've spent two months in Southeast Asia, two months in Central America, and two weeks in Bonaire (a Dutch Caribbean island off the coast of Venezuela).

I'm also a feminist and psychologist. And, having spent the last two weeks in Sri Lanka, being told by white people what I "should" wear to the beach, I've come to the solid conclusion that, No. Not every part of every culture deserves my respect.

See, Sri Lanka is a pretty religious country. Because of this, white people keep telling me that I need to "cover up" or "wear a sarong" whenever I'm at or walking to the beach.

Mind you, 90% of the suggestions come from some white dude who hasn't worn a shirt in days, and whose board shorts are so low his dick is basically showing.

Surfer bro's like, "Go cover yourself up. Imma walk down to the beach with my pubes out."

He feels no need to "cover up." But he thinks I should, because "it's the culture."

Correction: it's their culture. It's not my culture.

It's hilarious that the same people who, back in the Western world, think a woman's choice is important and slut shaming is bad... get on a plane, abandon their choice and allow others to slut shame them.

It's hilarious that people expect me to oppress myself, just because others allow themselves to be oppressed. (Edit: I'm referring to Western women who abide by backwards customs, not women who are actually, violently oppressed)

It's hilarious that people think I'm going to travel abroad, but leave my dignity, autonomy, self-respect, confidence, comfort and values at home.

I know this isn't a popular opinion. You're welcome to disagree with me. You're welcome to go to Sri Lanka and wear excessively hot, conservative, sticky, wet clothes all the time. But here are a few reasons that, in my experience here, that is totally unnecessary:

1. I'm not a racist who assumes all Sri Lankan men are disgusting animals who can't control themselves.

No, the men here don't harass you for wearing a bikini to the beach.

I've been harassed, for sure. My second night here, I went to this cool carnival in Galle. A man followed me back to my hotel... and when I left for breakfast the next morning, he was waiting outside. He followed me around for several hours that morning.

My third day here, I was walking along the beach -- fully clothed, not that it matters -- when a man approached me and said, "Where are you from? How long are you in Sri Lanka? How is your sexual activity? I would like to have with you."

There is a grossness to the culture. There are gross men who, apparently because of representations of Western women in the media, think white women will just... have sex with them? Even if they're old and fat and don't even speak English?

But these men are the exception, not the rule. Because #YesAllWomen. But #NotAllMen. Amirite?

Not a single man has harassed me since I arrived in Weligama. Sometimes I can hear them talking, and it sounds like it's probably something lewd about me. But guess what? I'm too stoked about the waves I either just got or am about to get to give a shit what some strangers in the street are saying about me.

From: Here's How One Pretty Girl Deals With "Constant Stares and Attention" From Men.

2. Not all traditions are good or fair.

Harvard was traditionally an all-men's school.

Women in the U.S. didn't used to have the right to vote.

Black people used to be slaves.

Aren't you glad these things have changed? Progress is a good thing.

It's funny to me how many people want to "respect" regressive and oppressive aspects of one culture, while demanding that similar aspects of other cultures change.

For example, there are plenty of neighborhoods in the United States where elderly white residents don't want "coloreds," "Orientals," and "Air-abs" living nearby. It's not the tradition there.

Should we respect that? Because that's their culture?

Where do you draw the line between "respecting tradition" and oppression, segregation, and other regressive social norms?

3. If you leave anything on the beach, it gets stolen.

"Cover up."

So basically what you're saying is, I have to wear all these extra clothes to the beach. I'm allowed to take them off when I go in the water...

But while I'm in the water, some addict jacks my shit.

It's dumb to bring stuff to the beach, knowing that it will get stolen. If you want to insist that I "cover up," then be sure you're going to buy me new shirts and sarongs and stuff every day.

Today, my beautiful pink OOFOS flip flops got stolen -- even though I freaking buried them. So don't even tell me to bring even more stuff to leave on the beach.

4. Only a tiny minority or Sri Lankans care what I'm wearing. The rest eagerly greet me with a cheerful, "Hello!" -- no matter what I'm wearing.

I've been surfing two- to three times per day for the last two weeks. That's a lot of walking to and from the beach. And it's a totally fun walk! Because in the five minutes it takes to get to Fish O's, several children will run from their homes to the side of the road and shout, "Hello! Hello! Thank you! Bye!"

Women of all ages have greeted me with the same warmth -- though perhaps, with less energy and enthusiasm.

I see fewer men during the day, since presumably they're off at their day jobs or driving tuk tuks. But those I do see often smile. Or they don't say anything. Or, if they're teenagers, they talk excitedly to their friends -- possibly about the white girl who's walking down the street.

This doesn't change, whether I'm wearing denim shorts or board shorts or bikini bottoms.

Of the dozens of people I see on my way to the beach each day, only one has ever looked at me scornfully. As I got closer, she said, "That is bad in Sri Lanka." Or something to that effect.

So... maybe one person was offended. Honestly, though... I don't care. If she didn't like what I was wearing, she didn't have to look. She's allowed to dress how she wants, and I'm allowed to dress how I want.

That's my observation -- but it's supported by conversations I've had with local female entrepreneurs and business owners. They say that Sri Lankan men have been horrible to all women -- both locals and tourists (and even three-year-old girls) -- but that there is a new government and a new president, and they are cracking down on that kind of behavior.

They weren't sure if the culture could change -- but they want to try. They want to build a country where women can succeed and tourists feel safe and comfortable. One woman, who runs her own hotel and coffee shop, also somehow manages to volunteer as a director at an NGO that's creating a more gender-equal Sri Lanka.

They want me to feel comfortable here. They want me to have fun and enjoy myself. And they don't give a shit what I'm wearing while I'm doing it.

Because here's the thing about culture: it's not static. It's totally dynamic.

5. I don't want to be complicit in oppressive, violent social norms -- and I don't want to contribute to rape culture.

As a social scientist and intellectual, I don't believe any religion, culture, or idea should be exempt from criticism. Whether it's trans rights, Islam, or feminism, the idea should hold up to criticism and analysis.

And, to me, to allow sexist norms in a culture that isn't mine to dictate how I dress would mean being complicit in rape culture -- something I have spent countless hours fighting against.

Rape culture, sexual violence and victim-blaming are unacceptable, whether you're at a Stanford frat party or a Sri Lankan surf town.

Fisherman's Bay is, like, totally my favorite place I surfed in the Weligama/Midigama area.

6. I believe in cultural exchange.

One piece of advice that changed my life was to follow the 80-20 rule. Consume 80% of the time, create 20% of the time.

That's why I started this blog!

But lately, I've realized that travel should also follow the 80-20 rule. You absorb, participate, listen and learn 80% of the time...

But in order for this to be a true cultural exchange, you need to give back 20% of the time.

Whether I'm delighting children in Laos with tales of lobster diving in California, teaching my surf buddies in Malaysia how to swing dance, or explaining the American electoral college system to a Swedish expat, I think it's meaningful and important to give, and not just take. Give knowledge. Give a story, a lesson, an experience. Show and tell what it's like to be you -- because, otherwise, you're just being selfish.

Every day in Sri Lanka, I give. I give cash to tuk tuk drivers and restaurant owners. I give business to local entrepreneurs. But I also give a glimpse into my world. Is it really so horrible for women, men, and children to see a confident, independent Western woman walking alone down the street with a surfboard and a bikini?

Would it be better if they just had no idea what it was like in another part of the world -- or if their only representations of Western women came from porn and Bollywood?

I don't believe I should be a passive recipient of another culture. I believe in meaningful exchange, where both parties have the opportunity to gain perspective, learn, and grow.

Because, remember: locals aren't zoo animals to be gawked at. They're human beings to be interacted with.

7. I don't want to.

Probably this should have been my first (or maybe second) point. But, you know, I had to go for the rhetorical effect.

I dress how I want to dress, and I don't dress how I don't want to dress.

Maybe I don't want to be complicit in rape culture.

Maybe I'm afraid my stuff will get stolen when I get in the water.

Maybe it's too hot to walk around in a rash guard.

Maybe it's too uncomfortable to walk around in wet board shorts.

Maybe I just like the feel of the wind and the sun on my skin.

Maybe I'm not obsessed with what others might maybe be thinking about me.

It doesn't really matter, and I don't really need to justify.

***

I love traveling. I love experiencing and participating in new cultures. But I'm not going to abandon my morals, values, or personality because a couple of white people think I "should."

Again, you're welcome to disagree. You're welcome to travel wherever you want, and dress however you want.

You do you. I'll do me. And we'll both be happy.

17 Comments

Liz

3/9/2017 10:12:51 am

I like this post overall, but I question the idea of "why you should be oppressed because others allow themselves to be oppressed." It's overly simplistic to argue that Sri Lankan women "allow" themselves to be oppressed when oppression is violently enforced and woven into every aspect of female life. I'm sure there are women speaking up for progress and striving for change, but I don't blame the women who won't/can't/don't want to given the constraints they face daily or the urgency of other needs.

I'm not a cultural relativist either, though - we're not going to get anywhere in life if we pretend all practices and beliefs are equal. I cringe to see allegedly "progressive" women defending practices like FGM because of "but it's the culture!" Defaulting to culture is lazy and usually anti-women.

Have a great rest of your trip!!

Eva Glasrud link

3/9/2017 07:05:49 pm

Totally agree, Liz. The wording in that sentence was horrible. I was referring more to Western women who willingly "cover up" or miss out on certain opportunities. I'm going to edit that for clarity once I get a strong enough internet connection.

Thanks for pointing that out!

3/10/2017 07:46:57 am

Ah, that makes more sense - thanks for editing/clarifying! I do think it's a really interesting point for Western women to consider; I have always taken it at face value that I "should" be "respectful" at all times when visiting new places. There's certainly a role for abiding by the norms when visiting specific places (such as a mosque asking for covered heads or a monastery asking for shoes to be taken off, particularly if the requests apply to men and women equally), but those cases are limited and I have the option to go see some other site if I don't feel like abiding by the request. It's a whole other thing to argue that women walking down the street (in public spaces) should constantly police themselves and constantly make sure they never offend anyone or anything, regardless of the activities planned for the day or the need to wear a bathing suit for a purpose or what have you. Definitely food for thought!

The Toxic Masculine

3/10/2017 08:23:07 am

Great post as always. However, as someone who is ALSO willing to criticize things like Islam, I definitely think "your mileage may vary" depending on the country you are in. Getting away with this in Sri Lanka is one thing. In many Muslim countries, you may be putting yourself in significant danger with this attitude and advice from people like "surf bro" is not just PC nonsense like "we must respect cultures we visit"but potentially LIFE-SAVING advice. Not true in ALL muslim countries, especially those very dependent on tourism dollars and very used to accomodating "western perversion", but certainly in many. Please don't take this as upholding the "women are temptresses, and therefore must cover up to avoid unhinging male sex demons". I hate that mentality. But it exists, and women should keep it in mind, not out of "respect" for those beliefs, but out of fear of those willing to act on such primitive notions. And, sadly, there are MANY in Islamic countries who are willing to act on said beliefs. One of the biggest tropes in the PC world is that "all religions are basically the same". That is a fantasy... and Islam is it's own special breed.

White and Fragile

3/15/2017 09:30:18 am

Hope you enjoy your vacation! Everyday Feminism will be there when you return... and bringing the lulz as always... you'll like this one.

I have been supportive of trans rights for decades... but these "transtrenders" and their "intersectional" nonsense have gone totally off the rails. Because .03 percent of the population MAY grow up to be trans, the other 99.97% of society needs to stop saying things like "she's a cute little girl" or "he's adorable".

The title of "EF's Craziest Post Ever" has some stiff competition, but this one is definitely in the fight for the championship belt!

http://everydayfeminism.com/2017/03/our-sons-need-feminism-too/

In general, the standard practice (at least here in the US) is to look at a baby’s genitals (either immediately after birth, or on a sonogram while they’re still a fetus) and pronounce them either “a boy” or “a girl.”

This is one of the most difficult topics that I discuss with other parents and caregivers, but it needs to be discussed.

The truth is, you don’t and can’t know the gender of a baby, or even most young toddlers. No matter how we parents feel about it, there is always a chance that our kids won’t turn out to identify with the genders assigned to them at birth.

Gender is complex and multifaceted.

I’m cisgender (meaning that I identify with the gender that was assigned to me at birth) but not everyone is, and there is no guarantee that any one particular child will be.

Any child born could turn out to be transgender, and you (and the kid) might not know right away! It’s also a reality that some children are born intersex and doctors may or may not notice this upon birth.

The fact is that when we say a newborn baby is a boy or a girl, what we’re really doing is predicting their gender, and while sometimes our predictions are right, they’re also sometimes very wrong.

And if your child turns out to be transgender, you also have no way of knowing when your child will know that about themselves and feel ready to talk to you about it.

Zeph

3/17/2017 05:36:04 pm

Of all your points, I liked the 80/20 one best. Probably because I haven't thought as much about that aspect as you, so it gives me something to consider.

A cultural exchange is only an exchange if there's at least some two way flow.

mike4ty4

2/7/2020 03:16:42 pm

However, how does this play with when situations occur in which the criticism actually *does* come from people who are *not* "white dudes", as you say?

Also, what do you believe the most serious *problem* today is with "trans rights"?

2/10/2020 03:24:24 pm

Honestly, I wouldn't care, either way. I don't participate in rape culture, and telling women they need to "cover up" because their bodies are sinful and shameful and women are somehow responsible for the actions and thoughts of men is pretty much the very definition of rape culture.

The only exception might be if I were invited into someone's home or church or something, and there was some kind of dress code.

The biggest problem with "trans rights," in a general sense, is that many activists seem to think any opinion that disagrees with theirs is "violence" and "bigotry," which is not true. As I said before, all ideas should stand up to criticism. If you can't acknowledge that there are other perspectives on difficult issues, like people with penises being in women's bathrooms or competing in female sports, then you're completely bonkers.

The one I care about most, personally, is obviously male-bodied people in female sports. As a former DI athlete who has competed in national and international competitions, I know what it takes to become an elite female athlete. But, since it's ridiculous to rely on anecdotes and emotions, I've also considered the gigantic body of scientific research that shows the difference between male and female bodies. There are a lot of differences estrogen supplements aren't going to erase. It sucks that we need to draw a line, and ANY time a line is drawn, some people are irrationally included and excluded... but it's important that FEMALES are not excluded from their own sports, just because of their biology.

Our oppression (like our rights and protections ought to be) is sex-based.

But setting aside what is important to me, personally, the most serious issue is probably related to the health and mental care trans children receive in so many parts of the world. I truly think that future generations are going to look back in horror at the unethical, unscientific decisions that are the protocol in so many clinics. We are exposing children to known and unknown harms, and that just goes against everything doctors are supposed to do.

Anna

4/12/2020 03:43:43 pm

Stumbled here through Quora.. this is a discussioin I had recently with a friend.
For me, I have sometimes altered my dress when in other countries than how I might dress at home. I don't do it to promote rape culture or anything like that. But I feel that I am a guest in someone else's world, and if they were visiting mine, I would hope they wouldn't assume they are entitled to behave in ways that go against my culture. You probably have a limit on what amount of nudity you find acceptable in public back in your home country. If there was a foreign country where people walk around naked in public, and they visited your country and did the same, would that be ok? would you thank them for sharing their culture with you? or if they otherwise did something considered disrespectul? is it ok for atheists to walk into a church and desecrate holy items because they don't respect faith? is that the best way for an atheist to reach a religious person or would a more respectful approach possibly work better?

I feel that as a guest I should show at least a certain amount of respect to show that I'm grateful to be a guest. they don't have to let us in. many of them wish we weren't there, but allow it to alleviate poverty. it feels a bit expoitative to be a guest in another's culture and country and pay no attention to their norms. I also feel that you are more likely to be able to share your culture with others if they feel you are a respectful person. From their perspective they don't necessarily understand why you dress or behave a certain way. seeing foreign women walking around in bikinis doesn't necessarily look like freedom and independence to them if that's not what their culture tells them. it may actually reinforce those beliefs all the more.
I'm happy for you that in one particular country you haven't been harmed for going against their norms and have still had some enjoyable exchanges. but I think this is a lot more complex than just "I do what I want wherever I go because it fits my beliefs".

4/12/2020 11:38:38 pm

>> "But I feel that I am a guest in someone else's world, and if they were visiting mine, I would hope they wouldn't assume they are entitled to behave in ways that go against my culture."

They're going to. We're going to. It's impossible to know everything about every culture before visiting, especially if you're only going for like a week. Toes will be stepped on. Lines will be crossed.

But I'm not talking about behavior. I'm talking about clothes. And, I suppose, any norm or expectation designed to oppress women.

Do you get mad when women wear hijabs in Western cultures? I'm guessing not. Because in the Western world, I think people are capable of tolerance and respect. But I think it would be kind of gross and racist to assume that ONLY in the Western world are people capable of tolerance and respect. Like... they're Muslims, not jihadists. (Or in the case of Sri Lanka, Buddhists. I think it's really cute and adorable when new age Westerners talk about Buddhism like it's all enlightened and different from other religions... it's really not. All religions have their backwards, human rights violating sects.)

>> " You probably have a limit on what amount of nudity you find acceptable in public back in your home country. If there was a foreign country where people walk around naked in public, and they visited your country and did the same, would that be ok?"

Yeah, as long as their bare ass wasn't on any sort of shared or public surface. It would be weird, but why would I care, as long as they weren't DOING anything that affected me?

>> "would you thank them for sharing their culture with you?"

Yeah, if we got to talking and I learned something interesting. We'd probably stay Facebook friends.

>> "or if they otherwise did something considered disrespectul?" depends on what they did. I don't really find myself obsessing over what other people are doing. Sometimes, acceptance is the happier and healthier route. If they seemed to genuinely not know they were being disrespectful and seemed like that wasn't their intention, I'd probably tell them with a polite smile. Why get worked up about it? (unless, like I said, it's damaging property or something.)

>> "is it ok for atheists to walk into a church and desecrate holy items because they don't respect faith?"

Obviously not, but I wouldn't walk into any place or worship and desecrate something. A place or worship and a public place are not the same thing. If it is compulsory to cover my shoulders to visit a certain temple, and I think it's worth it to do so, I will. And I'm not convinced I would visit a place where woman-erasing garments were compulsory, because such countries are guilty of many human rights violations, and I'm not sure I would feel okay with spending money there.

>> "many of them wish we weren't there, but allow it to alleviate poverty."

If you say so. The people I've talked to seemed pretty happy I was there.

>> " I also feel that you are more likely to be able to share your culture with others if they feel you are a respectful person."

Probably. Which is probably why I make so many friends when I travel. I *am* a respectful person. I just don't respect backwards, third century bullshit. And no one I've ever met (except for white European bros) bitched about my clothes.

Like... I spend 2-4 months a year traveling overseas. No one else gets that much time off, so I'm traveling alone maybe 98% of the time. You'd think I'd be lonely... but I actually have to make an active effort to find alone time, especially when I travel with my guitar.

>> "From their perspective they don't necessarily understand why you dress or behave a certain way. seeing foreign women walking around in bikinis doesn't necessarily look like freedom and independence to them if that's not what their culture tells them. it may actually reinforce those beliefs all the more."

Well, that's why we talk about it. Many of our conversations start with fits of giggles. It's really cute. If I'm ever walking down the street in shorts and a tank top in (fill in the blank -- there are many countries where this has happened), and I suddenly hear girls and women whispering and giggling, I know they're talking about which one is going to ask me for a selfie, and running over their English vocab to prepare for the conversation. I suppose some people would find it annoying to be stopped for conversations and selfies so many times per day -- but their smiles are too contagious for me to feel inconvenienced by it.

>> "I'm happy for you that in one particular country you haven't been harmed for going against their norms and have still had some enjoyable exchanges."

Again... it's a lot of countries. A dozen? More? I'm not, like, counting. This article focused on Sri Lanka, because I was in Sri Lanka when I wrote it. But I can't think of a place where the same hasn't been true.

>> "but I think this is a lot more

{JAY}DiableVache

4/16/2020 07:32:38 am

If you don't respect their culture, don't go to their country.

4/16/2020 02:40:04 pm

Yeah... no. I'll go where I please. You're welcome to erase and demean and degrade yourself, but I will do no such thing.

Sheikh Yerbooty

5/1/2021 09:28:28 am

You sound like a white girl with attitude problem. Don't bitch when you get treated poorly for trying to push the stupidest elements of western culture on the rest of the world.

I'm amazed at the extent to which western women have a sense of entitlement. Is it any wonder that the birthrates in the west have fallen below the replacement levels? That's not a good or a bad thing it is just is.....The west is wiping itself out.

Kel link

5/8/2020 03:20:42 am

That's too simplistic of a comment! It's not like she's saying you should wear bikinis downtown. But at the beach, where locals earn a living on tourism, it's not an issue. The locals are used to it and fine with it in most cases.

Your comment is like expensive shopping malls that want to attract the rich Arabs to come and spend up making the women take off their burqas to "respect our culture". It doesn't work like that when it comes to tourism and tourists. You either want them or you don't. Immigration may be another matter - but that's not what Eva was discussing in the article.

Jen Smitty

11/29/2021 11:34:51 pm

If you don't respect her right to speak her mind, don't go to her website.

5/1/2021 09:26:19 am

#uppitywhitegirlproblems

11/29/2021 11:33:02 pm

There's nothing like a woman with agency over her own body to make male commentors LOSE THEIR SH*T.

Sorry, But No. Not Every Part of Every Culture Deserves My Respect.

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