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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

The REAL Reason We Think Women Are "Crazier" Than Men In Relationships

9/3/2016

11 Comments

 
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A wise woman once said, "Boys only want love if it's torture."

Of course, she was being totally sarcastic. What this wise woman was actually​ doing was giving the biggest "f- you" ever to the sexist coverage her music got in the media.
See, when Bruno Mars writes love songs inspired by his exes, it's creative and romantic.

When Maroon 5 sings, "Baby, I'm preying on you tonight/Maybe you think that you can hide/I can smell your scent for miles," hardly anyone flinches at the creepy craziness of these lyrics. (Imagine if they were sung by a woman, though.)

​But when Taylor Swift writes a song that may or may not have been inspired by Harry Styles
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OMG I LOVE YOU HARRY!
the media accuses her of being spiteful, vengeful, and witch-like, retreating to her crazy woman-den to write mean songs about her ex-boyfriend. 

That is why Blank Space is genius. If you haven't watched the video yet, please do so now.
Why is it that we are so eager to believe that women in relationships are crazy? Especially considering that some of the "craziest," "bitchiest," and "moodiest" people I've known... have been dudes?

Well... a lot of reasons. For example:

The Confirmation Bias.

People are really good at seeking out information and evidence that confirms their beliefs and biases. This is a serious problem -- in research, in politics, and in social psychology.

For example, someone once asked on Quora, "Why are Black people so loud?"

They are "loud" because of the confirmation bias. You can ride on a bus with ten black people who are quietly reading or texting, and one black person who is being loud -- and rather than see the ten readers/texters, you see the one loud person, and think, "See? That's how they are!" 

Isn't that awful?

The same is true for women and "craziness." The vast majority of women may be totally "normal" in a relationship. But then you see one woman acting jealous or insecure, and you think, "See!? Women are crazy!"

Even the best thinkers in the world are prone to the confirmation bias. Scientists, for example, are much better at developing hypotheses that support their beliefs... than they are at developing hypotheses that would disprove them. That's why collaboration is important. That's why all ideas and discoveries should stand up to criticism (even Feminist Studies). That's why it's important to stay skeptical -- even of people whose previous work you admire. 
​

Attribution errors. 

When I was at Stanford, I had the most amazing advisor in the WHOLE WORLD. Dr. Lee Ross is the psychologist who coined the term fundamental attribution error, or the human tendency to attribute our actions to our situation, while we attribute other peoples' actions to their disposition. 

In other words, if someone bumps into me and I totally overreact, I know it's only because I had a rough morning -- I had a fight with my boyfriend and missed my bus and stepped in dog poop on my way to work! 

But if I bump into you and you overreact, I "know" it's because you're a jerk who always acts like that.

We make a very similar attribution error when it comes to gender. As I once wrote in Stop the Bullshit - Women Aren't More Likely to be Depressed than Men, ​

People attribute men’s negative emotions to EXTERNAL and UNSTABLE causes. "He is mad because he lost his job." "He is sad because his wife died." Or even just, "His team lost." However, people attribute women’s negative emotions to INTERNAL and STABLE factors. "She's a bitch." "She's having her period." "She always overreacts to things." "She's depressed." Read more >

Let's apply this "logic" to relationships. When a woman does something “crazy,” it’s because she is crazy. Because women are crazy. When a man does the exact same thing, he’s just feeling upset about something else -- but it will go away soon. Because men are stoic and strong.


Representation bias.

From birth, we treat boys and girls very differently. Boys are encouraged to be tough! Be active! Explore! Be a man! Keep your feelings on the inside!

Girls are encouraged to talk about their feelings. To be sweet and polite and good. To express themselves.

Therefore, girls grow into women who tend to be more likely to talk about insecurities and emotions in their relationships. Boys grow into men who are more likely to stay silent, even if they’re feeling the exact same way.

This means we are much more likely to hear about a woman being neurotic or crazy than a man -- even if men are struggling with the exact same emotions as women. 

The difference isn't as much that women feel more emotions than men -- it's that they're more likely to talk about it, so you're more likely to hear about it. 

The representation bias is another heuristic that good thinkers have to be aware of when consuming media and reading studies. For example: say I sent out a survey asking people how they feel about premarital sex. People who are strongly for will respond. People who are strongly against will respond. But people who are just kind of like meh probably won't take time out of their day to share their thoughts. Why bother?

Therefore, my results will be skewed. I don't have a true, random sample. I have answers from people at either extreme, but not people in the middle. 
cks promo code sup10

Man Crazy Can Look Different From Woman Crazy.

Let's take a look at a hilarious (but actually really sad) meme from a standup comedy routine from Donald Glover:
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I hate to overgeneralize. Women can definitely be violent towards men. Men can definitely scream and cry when they're upset. But the fact is, men are much more prone to violence than women.

Look at any crime statistics. Look at any psychology or medical textbook. Sure, there are social and scientific biases involved in sentencing criminals and diagnosing mental illness. Male and female brains are much more alike than they are different, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is either ignorant or trying to sell you something. But I would have to be a major science denier to claim that there are no differences between the male and female brain. 

Men are 3-4 times more likely to struggle with autism, dyslexia, and early onset schizophrenia (which is literally what "crazy" means, fyi). They are also three times more likely to commit a violent crime. Meanwhile, women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety and panic disorders. 

Moreover, as I wrote in Guns Don't Kill Women - Male Entitlement Kills Women, research shows that the vast majority of people who are violent do not suffer from (or have not been diagnosed with) mental illnesses (American Psychiatric Association, 1994).

Man "crazy" is more likely to turn violent (or at least look different) than woman "crazy." We know from decades of research that when relationships get violent, many women try to protect their partner. They stay quiet. They don't want to press charges. And they tend to be awesome at convincing everyone on the outside that they are totally sweet, awesome guys.

Then, of course, there's the fact that

We are all a little sexist.

There is some super cool research about the psychology of humor. For example, did you know that laughing makes us healthier and happier in almost every way -- it can actually make us live longer! But generating laughter (i.e., being funny) actually shortens our life expectancy? 

(Too bad I'm so hilarious.)

Here's another fun fact about humor: 

It's tough to be a female comedian. First of all, funny females fill some dudes with rage. Second, women can't tell the same kinds of jokes as men, because sexism. 

For example, when a man jokes about loneliness or lack of success in relationships, people see him as authentic, relatable, and funny.

Seriously. At almost every comedy show I've ever seen, male comedians make some kind of joke to the effect of, "I was on a date with this woman -- and by 'date,' I mean, I followed her to a restaurant and watched her through a window," or even, "I'm gross and ugly and disgusting and no one will ever love me." (I would have tried to make that funny, but I don't want to die young.)

But when a woman makes the same joke, she is seen as "crazy" and "desperate."

It's a weird double standard -- kind of like that Maroon 5 song I mentioned at the beginning of this post. When a woman says it, we just don't think it's cute or funny. We think it's crazy.

The same could be said about a romantic gesture! If a man says, "I asked her out ten times, each time with a dozen roses, and she didn't say yes until the tenth time," we write a movie about it. When a woman does the same thing... she's crazy.

Finally, there's:

Media representation.


There is a very popular show on television right now called Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I almost feel like I don't need to say anything more.

But I will. Here are some popular shows about women:
  • Desperate Housewives - "The sexy, insidious, and secretive lives of the inhabitants of a neighborhood cul-de-sac."
  • Gossip Girl - "Privileged teens living on the Upper East Side of New York can hide no secret from the ruthless blogger who is always watching."
  • Gilmore Girls - "A drama centered around the relationship between a thirtysomething single mother and her teen daughter living in stars Hollow, CT."
  • Revenge - "An emotionally troubled young woman makes it her mission to exact revenge against the people who wronged her father."
  • Sex and the City - "A sexual and ironic sitcom about four young, virtually inseparable New York bachelorettes who lead and confide in each-other their ever changing and confusing sex lives."
  • Jane the Virgin - "Jane finds her life turned upside down when she is artificially inseminated by accident."

Obviously, not all shows about women depict them as conniving and crazy. But, let's admit it: a lot​ of them do. And we love it! It just makes for such great (and easy) drama.

And, sure, some of these shows make occasional attempts to bring male characters in on the drama -- and when they do, I love it! I'm all, Yes! I've seen men do exactly that in real life! But these male-o-dramas are usually short and mild, rarely lasting more than a single episode.

​And, let's be honest. Can you think of a single male equivalent of this:
Me, neither. 
​
***

Why is this worth writing about?

Other than the fact that it's degrading, condescending and sexist to refer to all women as crazy... this stupid stereotype has some serious implications. 

Like the fact that we ignore legitimate complaints by women, because we assume they're "crazy." It’s a potent silencing tool. It's a potent shaming tool. It leads to articles like the brilliant Men Just Don't Trust Women -- And That's a Problem:

"But you know what I don’t really trust? What I’ve never actually trusted with any women I’ve been with? Her feelings.


If she approaches me pissed about something, my first reaction is “What’s wrong?”

My typical second reaction? Before she even gets the opportunity to tell me what’s wrong? “She’s probably overreacting.”


My typical third reaction? After she expresses what’s wrong? “Ok. I hear what you’re saying, and I’ll help. But whatever you’re upset about probably really isn’t that serious.”

​
I’m both smart and sane, so I don’t actually say any of this aloud. But I am often thinking it. Until she convinces me otherwise, I assume that her emotional reaction to a situation is disproportionate to my opinion of what level of emotional reaction the situation calls for. Basically, if she’s on eight, I assume the situation is really a six."

Another problem with this stereotype? It leads to gaslighting. 

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception and sanity. As much as I've had my criticisms about Everyday Feminism, this is a topic they've covered that I strongly agreed with. Abuse is ugly, and the "bitches be crazy" narrative contributes to demoralizing and discrediting victims.

So, no. It's not "just" a stereotype. Use the information in this post to make yourself a better, more informed thinker. You might surprise yourself.
11 Comments
Liz
9/3/2016 05:20:01 pm

Great post. If you're interested in learning more about this topic, I recommend googling "male violence" and checking out some of the great blogs and articles available from the (radical) feminist community. This is not, of course, something that Everyday Feminism will ever address (even if they do occasionally write an acceptable article about gaslighting), but if you ever REALLY want to get to the heart of the patriarchy problem, understanding that the vast majority of all violence is committed by males is key.

Reply
Krissy
1/1/2018 01:28:08 am

If you don't think you're crazy or moody, others do. Research has shown women are more neurotic and mentally ill then men are. You're in denial.

Reply
Truth Is
2/5/2017 02:24:19 pm

Very extremely dangerous women everywhere nowadays which is very scary for us good men trying to find real love. LOL.

Reply
At Least
8/20/2017 01:35:21 pm

You're much less likely to be murdered by a "crazy" woman. And also, if you only seem to attract "extremely dangerous women", perhaps you should start looking at the flaws in your own personality and those you surround yourself with? Must be some reason you're a psycho magnet

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
8/23/2017 06:13:27 pm

Agree with @At Least. It's good to self-reflect and examine your own attitudes/behavior when you're getting a result you don't like. As I wrote in my reply to @Let the Truth Be Told:

There have been some pretty dramatic cultural and generational shifts since I posted this. Dr. Jean Twenge explores some of them in her new book, iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us (definitely worth the read -- http://amzn.to/2irx3PU).

Among other (extremely well-supported by data) insights is that today's young people of both genders are increasingly mentally ill. I don't know your age, but this may factor in to what you're experiencing.

Another cultural shift is the whole "fainting couch feminism"/"social justice warriors" things. This social movement is marked by mental illness -- in particular, panic, depression, self-obsession, fragility, body image issues, victimhood complex, paranoia, narcissism, and dehumanization, cruelty, and animosity towards those deemed to be "others" (white people; straight men; cis men; etc.).

This might also account for some of your experiences.

But it's also important to consider what role your own attitudes and behaviors are playing in your experience. One thing to consider is whether you're gathering an accurate picture of what's happening, or if you (like so many of our very best scholars) are prone to the confirmation bias. Are ALL women really so mean, or are you way overgeneralizing one woman's behavior to everyone?

Another thing to consider is that there is an interpersonal basis to all abnormal behavior. Are you behaving in ways that attract the wrong kinds of women? Are you behaving in ways that make women feel unsafe or disrespected?

Or, as my mom used to say, If there's a marching band parading down the street, and everyone is marching left, right, left right, except for ONE person, who's marching right, left, right, left... who do you think is wrong? The WHOLE band minus that one guy? Or the one guy?

I don't know the answer in your case, but these are all points worth considering.

Reply
Karma
4/30/2022 05:23:45 am

The truth is, very extremely dangerous unsatisfied men everywhere nowadays. Which makes it scary for us good women trying to find love. LOL.

Men do horrible things to women. But when a woman does the same. It makes her the worst creature on earth.

I don't support women who are indecisive and are not focused on what they want, women who aren't honest, women who don't act like good people. But that doesn't make women the most terrible beings to ever exist.

But you can call me crazy for saying this;
Now you know how it feels to love someone so much you nearly act like their slaves and they pay you back by, cheating on you, using you as a punching bag. And worst of all, abuse you emotionally. (If u don't know, even words hurt more than punches. Some men just don't know how to talk to women other than to be sexist).

The only reason a man feels this way is because they aren't placed in the role of mothers. (Mothers or women have more understanding of men because they watch them grow, they are mothers, they nurture them. But a man would only think a woman is crazy for doing what men do alot, because they have no idea what nurturing someone is, or know them)

A lot of guys would come here to talk about their horrible experiences with women and even for me as a woman, it breaks me when I hear how alot of women treat some good men. Something many women wish they have these days. But as much as we'd like to talk about every gender. We all do terrible things to each other.

I just find it odd when men generalize all women as horrible just because one or two women have broken their fragile hearts.

Crazy ppl everywhere. Men and Women

Don't give up on love, you men.
Because this is d sort of heartbrake women face everyday..

Reply
slayme
7/21/2017 12:41:35 am

you crazy! :P

Reply
Let The Real Truth Be Told
8/20/2017 05:20:58 pm

Psycho women are everywhere nowadays and they really do have very severe mental problems as well which is real fact by the way unfortunately. It has become very life threatening for many of us good men trying to start a conversation with one of these very pathetic low life loser women since they will Curse at us men for no reason at all. It is very obvious why many of us men are still single today which it will be better off for us men to stay single altogether now which will save us a lot of pain and misery as well.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
8/23/2017 06:09:55 pm

You may have somewhat of a point -- there have been some pretty dramatic cultural and generational shifts since I posted this. Dr. Jean Twenge explores some of them in her new book, iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy--and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood--and What That Means for the Rest of Us (definitely worth the read -- http://amzn.to/2irx3PU).

Among other (extremely well-supported by data) insights is that today's young people of both genders are increasingly mentally ill. I don't know your age, but this may factor in to what you're experiencing.

Another cultural shift is the whole "fainting couch feminism"/"social justice warriors" things. This social movement is marked by mental illness -- in particular, panic, depression, self-obsession, fragility, body image issues, victimhood complex, paranoia, narcissism, and dehumanization, cruelty, and animosity towards those deemed to be "others" (white people; straight men; cis men; etc.).

This might also account for some of your experiences.

But it's also important to consider what role your own attitudes and behaviors are playing in your experience. One thing to consider is whether you're gathering an accurate picture of what's happening, or if you (like so many of our very best scholars) are prone to the confirmation bias. Are ALL women really so mean, or are you way overgeneralizing one woman's behavior to everyone?

Another thing to consider is that there is an interpersonal basis to all abnormal behavior. Are you behaving in ways that attract the wrong kinds of women? Are you behaving in ways that make women feel unsafe or disrespected?

Or, as my mom used to say, If there's a marching band parading down the street, and everyone is marching left, right, left right, except for ONE person, who's marching right, left, right, left... who do you think is wrong? The WHOLE band minus that one guy? Or the one guy?

I don't know the answer in your case, but these are all points worth considering.

Reply
Let The Real Truth Be Told Again
9/6/2017 04:51:51 pm

Just to add more truth from my last comment that i have made which it is very unfortunate that the women of today have really changed for the worst of all over the years. And now you have all of these very stupid reality TV shows as well as social media that has made it worse for us single good innocent men out there really looking for love since many of us really can't blame ourselves at all either. It is the women of today that are quite different from the old days which the men back then that were really looking for love really had no trouble at all the way that our family members had it as well. I would've never thought that i was going to be a single man today since i was really hoping to meet a good woman to share my life with since i really hate to be single and alone. And i always wanted children as well too which it is very sad that it never worked out for me unfortunately. Well at one time i was married which my Ex Wife Cheated on me since she turned out to be the low life pathetic loser that i never knew which really devastated me as well. And i was a very good husband that showed a lot of respect for her as well as being very loving, caring, and committed to her too which it still meant nothing to her at all. And i was married for almost 15 years before this happened to me since i started to noticed that she was coming home late and making a habit of it as well. Now trying to find love all over again is very difficult for me since i am in my early 60's which makes it even worse for me with no children to fall back on either. The old days was the very best time for finding love like i mentioned already which today it is like trying to win the lottery. Most women nowadays just don't have any respect for many of us men at all with a very rotten personality to go along with it too. And now you have these Career women that are such horrible creatures as well since they really think they're all that with their six figure income adding to the problem which they will never go with a man like us that make less money than they do. Most of these women unfortunately are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and very money hungry as well since they will only want the best of all and will never settle for less. And i really do have to say that most of the good old fashioned women of years ago really did put these very pathetic women today to real shame altogether as well. It was just too very bad that many of us men weren't born back then since we would've definitely been all settled down ourselves with our own good wife and family today too.

Reply
Fuckyou
4/22/2022 12:27:42 pm

Written by a crazy woman...

Reply



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