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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Gif That All Women Need to See Immediately.

4/3/2015

39 Comments

 
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I recently finished watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, a new show on Netflix about a woman who was kidnapped by an evil reverend and held underground for fifteen years with three other women. The show begins with their rescue - after which the four "Indiana Mole Women" appear on the Today Show, with Matt Lauer. 

During the interview, Lauer asks each woman how she ended up in the bunker. One woman, Cyndee, recounted:
I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so…here we are.
To which Matt Lauer replied:
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"I’m always amazed by what women will do because they’re afraid of being rude…"

This is a point I've touched on a couple of different times in The Happy Talent. 

The first time was in my inaugural post, Advantages of Traveling While Female, in which I wrote:
I think women are most likely to get hurt because they are afraid to be “rude.” If something gets weird and you feel uncomfortable, SAY SO. Confront the person. YELL if you need to. Storm off. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. This person is disrespecting you, and there is no reason you need to respond politely. 

Likewise, don't be afraid of embarrassing or hurting someone's feelings. Let's go back to hitchhiking. I've always sworn to myself that if I'm ever hitchhiking, and someone pulls over who makes me feel the least bit unsafe, I will tell him, "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

"Sorry, I was just kidding."

I have mentally rehearsed doing this so I'm not caught off-guard and I won't feel bad when it happens. And sure, he might be innocent and I might hurt his feelings... but I'll never see him again. 
And I'd rather hurt his feelings a little than be raped or killed, which would hurt my feelings a lot. 
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Arguably, hitchhiking on a scooter might be safer than hitchhiking in a car... But you should probably wear a helmet.
Regarding the "I'd rather hurt his feelings" bit - you're probably hurting his feelings a lot less than you think. 

Which brings me to my second "be rude" post. In Why Most People Suck at Saying No, and How You Can Start Improving Today (which was later published in TIME), I wrote:
When it comes to drugs and unwanted sex, we teach our kids to "Just Say No." But in reality, hardly anyone  ever “just says no.”  We say, “I would, but…” "If it had been any day but today…” In other words, when people ask for something, you’re probably giving them an explanation/excuse as to why you must say no.

But this gives them a chance to try again. To find a little workaround. “Oh, you’re busy this week? How about next week?” “Oh, the drive is too far? Let’s meet half way!” (And, as I discuss below, saying no the first time makes you more likely to say yes out of guilt the second time.)

So if you want to say no better, JUST SAY NO. Practice different polite but assertive ways of doing it that contain no explanation/workaround, such as,

  • “I can’t this time.”
  • “Sorry — not today.”
  • “That won’t work for me right now, but I’ll get back to you if anything changes.”
  • “I really appreciate you thinking of me, but I’ve just got too much on my plate right now.”
As a woman, you're often put in this weird situation where people don't listen to you when you try to politely say no. It's well-documented that a woman's no is ignored much more often than a man's no. Which is probably because women are more likely to use "hedging language," or polite words that soften what they're saying.

To quote the former article again, 

In a way, saying no is a low-level form of aggression (one of several reasons why women tend to have a harder time of it than men). But since people are generally cooperative and social, we overestimate the cost of saying no. (Which is why, generally, if you ask for something, people say yes — even if the reason you give for the ask is complete gibberish. Asking, "Can I cut you in line to use the copier, because I am in a rush?" is just as effective as asking, “Can I cut you in line to use the copier, because I need to use the copier?”)

I repeat: WE ROUTINELY OVERESTIMATE THE COST OF SAYING NO.

Keep this in mind next time someone asks you for something. Saying no isn’t as bad as you think.
So, basically, women should practice using less hedging language while saying no -- and worry less about how hurtful the other person will find it when you say you don't want to go to his car with him to see his bunnies. It will hurt his feelings a lot less than you think. And if a dude does get all pissy at you when you say no to him... is he really someone whose feelings you should care about? Is she really someone you want to be involved with?

Remember: when you do something because you're afraid of being rude, you are giving away time, money, energy and EVEN YOUR SAFETY. And you might never get it back. 

Indeed, as I wrote in 3 Things I Wish All Girls (and Women) Knew, 
I wish more women knew that it's okay to tell someone to fuck off. To get out of my house. To stop following me. To back off. If someone isn't listening to you, it is okay to yell. It is okay to call for help. It is okay to be rude. I mean, let's be real, here. 

If you've said, "No," and the guy answered with, "Oh, come on!" -- or by simply ignoring you, or by pretending to comply for a moment before trying again, or in any way other disrespecting your wishes -- which of you is actually being rude? 

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If you've told someone you don't want him to drive you home or walk to your door or come inside, and he tries to anyway... how are you possibly the one who is rude? In what universe? 
And, actually, quite honestly, I totally get why it feels rude to be direct, raise your voice or otherwise enforce your boundaries when someone is ignoring them. I feel "rude" all the time. For example. The other day, I was playing frisbee with a girl friend of mine and a dude we'd randomly met in a cafe. Though he'd been nice all afternoon, he suddenly started negging me. For reference: 
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So I told him, "Give me back my frisbee."

He looked stunned. "Seriously?"

"Yes. Seriously. Give me back my frisbee. Now. I'm leaving."

And I left. 

Because he had been rude to me. He had insulted me. I didn't feel obligated to be polite to someone who treated me badly. I did not feel the need to make an excuse ("Oh, umm, I think I should get going soon. I have a... meeting at six?"). I did not feel the need to give him an explanation ("I don't appreciate that you insulted me. Negging is like, the most disrespectful thing ever, and people who neg are pathetic.") -- because, remember, explanations only give people a way to work around your excuse or objection. 

But even so, I still felt a little rude. 

Which is why it is SO important to reframe your thinking about "rudeness." And to maintain that thinking. Take time to remind yourself, regularly, that you don't owe anyone anything. Even if he complimented you. Even if he bought you dinner. Even if whatever. You owe him nothing. If he tries to make you feel like you do, he is manipulating you. Don't let him.

Reframe, and maintain.  
Finally, in The Stanford Kink Klub has the healthiest sex on campus. Here's why, I shared a horrific story about a house party I attended last summer. I was sitting in the hot tub when I saw a man dragging a clearly very intoxicated (and hardly even conscious) woman into the pool house. I heard some people sitting around a bonfire discuss the event: 
"I can't believe she's doing that! She has a boyfriend! What's Jordan going to think?" one girl exclaimed. 
Another girl moved closer to the fire and added, "Yeah, well... I don't think Sarah can technically give consent right now."
My jaw hit the floor. "You're her friends?!" 
"Yeah."
"Then why aren't you doing something? He could be in there raping her! Do you even know that guy?"
ONLY THEN did Sarah's "friends" do something. Together, they went into the pool house and returned with Sarah, whose bra was hanging out because her shirt was all unbuttoned. They took her away -- I don't know where. A few minutes later, the would-be rapist emerged from the pool house and strode back to the party, ready for his next victim.
Why didn't they act? Why didn't they do something to stop their friend from being raped at a party until I, a complete stranger, said something?

I don't know. But I suspect it had something to do with a fear of "seeming rude" or it "being awkward."

Shitty ass friends. Whenever I see a girl who might not be okay, I stop her and the guy who's dragging her away. I usually pretend I know her.

"Hey! How are you!" 

And then I hug her and say quietly, "Do you know him? Are you okay? Do you want me to call someone? Do you need a ride?"

Most of the time when I do this, the girl smiles back at me, appreciatively, and says, "Yes, he's my boyfriend," or, "Don't worry about it - I already called someone." But on one occasion, the girl indicated that she didn't want to be with the guy, so I shooed him off.

"Sorry to cock block, but we've got a LOT of catching up to do! I'll take her from here. Have a nice night!"

Would she have been raped if I hadn't been afraid of "being rude?" It's impossible to say. But rape is horrible, and I don't want to take those odds. 

***

That got a little wordy. If you've been skimming to this point, here's the TL;DR:

1. Women, you're not as rude as you think you're being.
2. Women, when you politely decline an advance, request or invitation from someone and he/she persists, it is that person, not you, who is rude. 
3. Women, you don't owe anyone anything. If they try to manipulate you into thinking you do, you can literally tell them to fuck off.
4. Women, if you are afraid of "seeming rude," you are literally putting your life (and the lives of those around you) at stake. What's more important - not risking hurting someone's feelings, or not putting yourself in danger? 

I leave you with this:
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Burn it into your memory. Share it on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or whatever other social network you're using. Make it a point to put yourself and your safety ahead of some random dude's feelings. It might make you feel guilty at first, but go ahead and go out there and #BeRude.
39 Comments
Kate
4/9/2015 08:02:50 am

I wish I'd found your blog years ago! I'm a junior in high school and I'm planning on backpacking alone through Europe after graduating, and this is exactly the kind of thing I need to hear!

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Eva Glasrud link
4/11/2015 05:33:02 am

Way too cool! Glad you liked it, and have an AMAZING trip :)

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Lucy link
8/4/2015 01:51:10 pm

Thank you so much, so much for this article. I came across this on my friend's facebook and women *need* to hear this more. We need it drummed into us from childhood, 'Be rude! Say no!'. I struggle with appearing to be rude, so this was such an eye opening reminder. Thank you! <3

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Kirsty
8/5/2015 09:45:57 am

I once had some creepy guy follow my friend around at the union. He would stare at her and follow us around at a distance. I spoke to my friend and asked her if she knew him, nobody in the group did and she said he was creeping her out by always shadowing her. So I went up to him and said, please leave us alone. He's like, I'm not doing anything! And I said, yes you are, you're following my friend, do you even know her? He said no, so I said okay, please leave us alone then. My friends said I was being really rude but that one friend was much happier because of it.

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Eva Glasrud link
8/5/2015 11:27:47 am

That is AWESOME! Good for you! I'm sad your friends were anything but grateful. And, as I'm sure you already know, you were NOT the rude person in this situation.

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Jeff Fisher
10/28/2015 01:22:35 pm

So your post gives women the advice to be rude to men who approach them. Well, I never approach women, so I have no problem with that. But sometimes you can't help but interact with a woman. Then what? Do you still advocate rudeness in those situations?

I've rarely met women who were NOT rude. I'm a "creepy" guy - that is, I'm not Brad Pitt, not good-looking - so I know my place. I've NEVER asked a woman out. But I've helped women in dangerous situations. Like you say you've done, I've actually intervened to help women when I thought they were in danger from people they angered. I don't think violence is the answer, whether it's initiated by a male OR a female. By the sound of your writing I expect that you agree with exactly half of that statement.

You demand respect - but do you give respect to men? Ever?

But today I'm feeling like THAT guy. Violence is not the answer? Neither is the way I'm feeling now the answer. It was a pretty minor thing, actually a VERY minor thing, especially with what I've had to deal with ALL MY LIFE. Maybe I'm just at the end of my rope.

I had to leave the building where I work, and the problem is that the double doors are frequented by customers. I usually time my entrances and departures to avoid awkward situations. Just with women, mind you, it's not awkward with men. Men don't get mad if you hold the door open because you were taught to do so, because it's polite. They don't pretend that you are oppressing them somehow. Be rude and don't hold the door, or be polite and be an oppressor? Guess you probably can't relate.

So today a woman stops directly in front of the door, actually blocking both doors. It's a glass door, and she sees me, even though she is pretending to be focused on her smart phone. While she's standing right in front of the door, deliberately being rude, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the situation without looking like a fool. Pretend that I have to go back because I forgot my keys, that old trick? But then along comes someone else from the inner door who also needs to exit, another man - actually a pretty good-looking guy. Suddenly she loses her focus on her phone after having been standing there. I stand aside to let her in, he holds the inner door for her, she shows what a wonderful person she is by warmly thanking the man (completely ignoring me the whole time), and after I exit I hold the door for the man on his way out.

And then I walked off and never confronted her. And now I regret that very much. I should have asked her what I had done to her to deserve such contemptuous treatment.

SO INSTEAD I'M ASKING YOU.

Now, I've noticed that not all women are evil hypocrites who complain about being treated disrespectfully by men while treating men as absolute inferiors who deserve no consideration as human beings. Your "voice" comes through in your writing, though, and while I technically can't disagree with anything you've written (you're only rude to men who have asked you out, right? Or men who were first rude to you?) you definitely sound like you have the same attitude as the vast majority of women. That is, you're not really a very good person at all, though you pretend to be.

So it could've been you that was blocking the doors pretending to ignore me. So I ask you, why?

And if I'm wrong - if what you've written is true, and you are only rude to men who deserve it - then you can't tell me what the evil woman was thinking. But I still have a comment about your writing, something I think you need to hear.

"It will hurt his feelings a lot less than you think." WRONG

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Eva Glasrud link
10/28/2015 01:30:22 pm

So, like... did you actually READ the post?

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Eva Glasrud link
10/28/2015 01:38:56 pm

Also, if you're having THAT much trouble with basic day-to-day interactions, you might want to check out These Specific Behaviors Will Make You More Charismatic, Starting RIGHT NOW. Because it sounds like there might be some sort of dysfunction in the way you interact with people. Especially if you think that not being sexy makes you creepy. There is a very specific set of BEHAVIORS that make dudes creepy. You know?

www.thehappytalent.com/blog/these-specific-behaviors-will-make-you-more-charismatic-starting-right-now.

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Justin
10/28/2015 02:16:45 pm

I think you completely missed the point of this article. It isn't that women should be rude to men all the time. It isn't even if a woman gets ask out by a man that she should be rude in response. It is specifically that if a man is being pushy with a woman, trying to push her boundaries, or make her do something she doesn't want to do, not taking no for an answer and continue to try, then she shouldn't hesitate to be rude. He is being rude to her by doing this after all.

From your long comment I think you have some issues with women you need to resolve. It seems you very quickly have a binary definition of people as man or woman instead of first and foremost as a fellow human being. I usually try to remain in a mindset where I think of someone first as a person, and only later, if relevant as a gender identity. In other words treating people as equals and not getting hung up on stuff like this. Maybe that woman was having a bad day. More likely you standing around looking at her acting awkward not knowing how to respond made her uncomfortable and led her to respond in this way. I agree with Eva might benefit from her charisma article.

I can say from know the author, and many other women, that it is very possible for them to treat men with kindness and respect without letting themselves being taken advantage of. They only need be rude if the situation calls for it.

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Julia
1/4/2016 04:55:18 pm

I'm not even gonna try to respond to the most of your comment, because as others have mentioned, it doesn't really seem like you read Eva's post. You might want to think about whether you're a nice guy or a Nice Guy (TM). If you're the latter, it's never too late to turn over a new leaf.

However, I've always been dumbfounded by the whole door opening thing. To me, it seems very simple. If you get to the door first, open it. If there's anyone else nearby who's obviously about to walk through the same door, hold it open for them. You don't need to step aside and let them go through the door before you, but that might be nice to do if the person is very elderly or has their hands full. If someone is standing still in front of the door, which I agree is very rude, the accepted practice is to say, "Excuse me" and make it clear that you'd like to walk through the door. Also, in this scenario, opening the door for the person could be a subtle way of saying, "Please move out of the way."

Thanks for the lovely post, Eva!

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az
1/20/2016 01:39:05 am

He actually sounds like he's taking that door thing too seriously. :| hmm...

Zeph
3/6/2017 01:30:32 pm

Well stated. And very much the approach to door opening I would advocate and practice.

I would add one thing for men who feel caught in the cultural division - don't overstress about it. Even if you are reasonable and respectful, a few people will have their reactions. One woman may be traditional and expect you to open the door (try visiting small towns in the South even today), and some may offended even if you are just opening the door exactly in the circumstances that you would for a man, or would accept from anybody. You don't have to be an infallible mind reader who can always tell which is which (tho you can tell a lot from body language). Nobody ever died because some man failed to hold the door for them, nor because he did. It's really not hard to handle the large majority of cases, and you can't let the small number of exceptions (people too easily offended) bother you too much. (Nor does it help to make oneself a victim; roll with it).

Compared to the situations Eva is describing, "rudeness" in door opening ("erring" either direction) can be seen as a small thing.

U
3/7/2016 03:44:48 pm

Honestly, there's no formula to every situation you come across with women. Just be yourself, do what you want, and let them do what they can do about it.

I know that feeling - when a woman pre-judges you because you fit her definition of a "creep", but you gotta just let that shit go. IDK about you but no woman will ever give a fuck about your personality or your feelings unless you pass a certain sexual market value index (aka You-Look-Like-Current-Male-Celeb-Obsession) - no matter how nobel your intentions are.

I used to get really bummed out when I would be walking home at night, and women would cross the street to avoid my arms reach, because I look like a serial rapist LOL. But they're just projecting their insecurities, so you shouldn't feel judged. They feel unsafe, it's nothing personal usually, so you shouldn't be such a Beta ass male sissy thinking everything.

And honestly last place to look for creep sympathy is in a femme penis defender blog like this LOL albeit a valuable depot for understanding where women come from.

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Eva Glasrud link
3/7/2016 04:55:37 pm

I'm glad you have enough perspective not to take the opinions of women you've never even met and don't even know super personally, as a lot of men seem to.

But I definitely disagree about women only caring what you look like (there are way too many biological, psychological and anecdotal reasons why this isn't true)... and I'm not sure what a "femme penis defender" is, so I'm afraid I can't comment on that.

RadiusNodes
8/18/2017 03:51:14 pm

@Jeff Fisher - Are you sure you're not projecting your own fears into each of your interactions with women? I'm not the best looking guy either and have known lots of other guys who are not good looking. The woman described in your example sounds actively hostile to you. I would say that most women are more likely to be just indifferent towards me.

I don't think women will be rude to you if you ask them out either. It just depends on how you ask them out. If you don't establish any rapport or sense that someone might like you and just go up to them and ask them out, then it's likely that they'll say "no". Again, I haven't experienced too many women being actively hostile towards me though, they are usually quite polite so I don't know if maybe you are reading more into a situation or thinking these women are being mean to you when they might no necessarily be.

If anybody is rude to you without you doing anything to justify them being mean, then don't stress it anyway. Would you want to be friends or date someone who is rude to people because they are good-looking?

I'm from the UK so don't know if it's vastly different where you're from, but from speaking to female friends they basically say that as long as you can hold a conversation without turning it explicitly towards sex instantly then most will at least have a chat with you.

I don't want to try and give you dating advice as I'm not exactly some super smooth lady killer myself, but I think that if you have some interests and passions then it's much easier to find like-minded people in groups and slowly build relationships that way rather than trying to go to bars and clubs and trying to convince people that you're worth getting to know better.

I realise your comment was written quite a while ago, but hopefully your experiences with women have been more positive since. Don't end up being mean and bitter because you think that's how they're treating you. Good luck anyway

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Holy Sh*t
8/31/2021 05:57:08 pm

She wrote about someone who was almost raped because her friend was afraid of being rude and then you wrote an entire word salad about what? A fking door? Dude sound like you need help.

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Joy Villa link
1/4/2016 01:23:11 am

Love this article, love your sense of strength and relaxed and personable writing style! I started my own girl power blog and have been realizing being rude is not being rude when it involves protecting your self or your sense of safety. How little we value our safety as women when it's in a "social" setting.

I have this thing where people (usually men) like to touch my hair or body. A small graze, or a grab or something unexpected. The feelings it illicit is pure rage at being so taken advantage of. It's not a friend or a friendly handshake I'm referring to, but an aggressive "That hair can't be real!" grab.
I've been practicing saying loudly and firmly "Don't touch me!" because my voice seems to leave my body when these things happen, which are always randomly and not very often so they catch me way off guard! Imagine if it were a man being touched like that, he wouldn't think twice about a "What the fuck, man??"

So I say all this to tell you things like this are sooooo important! I would stress not telling someone you REALLY don't want to meet "Not today" because that opens up for a "How about next week?" Just say "I'm not interested, thank you."

It does garner respect form real, good people, if someone is weird after that they were weird anyways. Girls, stand up!!!
Love the blog!!

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Eva Glasrud link
1/4/2016 01:57:17 pm

"Imagine if it were a man being touched like that, he wouldn't think twice about a 'What the fuck, man??"'

Ah! That's such a good point -- I wish I'd made it myself! What's your blog? I'd love to check it out :)

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A
7/10/2016 05:57:50 pm

"Imagine if it were a man being touched like that, he wouldn't think twice about a 'What the fuck, man??"'

Actually, that's not true. Men are humans too and I know plenty of men who don't know how to respond instantly to offensive actions. (for instance if someone grabs something from them). Some men are shy, and some men are loud. Simple as that.

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Toni
2/21/2016 09:26:25 am

I love this article but I have to point something out. It is not rude to be direct or to say no. On one hand the writer says don't hedge (basically be direct and don't lie) or make excuses, then later in the article gives examples of little lies you can tell to justify being so-called rude. What's the difference? A lie is a lie, and if you feel you need to tell one in order to not do something you don't want to do, then you're real issue is insecurity and you're still stuck in the "I need to make sure this person doesn't feel bad or think less of me" zone.

If you see a woman with a man she may be uncomfortable with, fine walk over and hug her, get the deets. But do you then need to make an excuse to the person giving her a hard time? Nope. It's fine to look that person directly in the eyes and say "this isn't working out - we're leaving". Otherwise, 2 things happen. 1 He has no idea he's been found out and will likely think his schemes go unnoticed and will do it again and again, or worse, not even realize that what he does is a problem. After all, if people buy into it over and over, his behavior and it's reward are a reality experience for him. And 2 you're still insecure about who you are and believe somewhere deep down that it's rude to speak up your self.

Being direct is not rude, and it's not aggressive. There is a way to be at home with yourself and what's right for you without harming another person, shaming or being passive/aggressive. Speak up the moment it's warranted - way before you get angry. That helps avert aggression and keeps you in the directness zone. Have compassion, both for yourself and the so-called offender. They are deeply troubled, wounded people who are your mirror and these types of situations will continue to show up in your life until you no longer match them. They will disappear when you wake up to and love your true self. Even if these types of people pop up here and there, and they will - the world is full of them - they won't stick around because they can't get what they're looking for from you. If that makes you feel rude - work on your self love. Also, look up the meaning of rude. When you are direct, there will be some people who think you are rude. They are insecure also, and also don't know what rude means. Don't worry about it. You KNOW deep down who you are and what's best for you. And you can be that without being a dick, or standoffish, or hedging. XO

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Eva Glasrud link
3/7/2016 04:52:52 pm

The difference is that mot changes aren't sweeping. They're incremental. And people are much better at making changes when they have direct examples to base their own behavior on. Hence the examples. If you don't like the ones I gave, why don't you provide some of your own? I'm happy to add them to the post.

If you feel comfortable telling a would-be rapist that you've discovered him, I say go for it. But many women fear retaliation, which is why I gave the example I did.

I think we both agree that being direct and assertive isn't rude -- the fact is, people (women) are afraid of being rude, which is why we need to reframe our thinking about be rude.

Thanks for your feedback :)

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Val
2/17/2018 07:49:42 am

You both make very good points, but I must say Eva, I'm also beginning to feel sick of a culture where we (men and women) all must fear retaliation for standing up for what is right.
And I love everything about your post except this line rubbed me the wrong way: "saying no is a low-level form of aggression." It's not aggressive, it's direct. Maybe many people aren't used to direct honesty, but I'm not going to change my natural approach (and way of being, really) to cater to their delicate selves.
If I lived in Japan and adhered to the Japanese culture, perhaps saying no (without being subtle) would be regarded as an act of defiance. But in the U.S., and many other Western cultures where individuality rules, "offending" a person by telling them they're crossing your boundaries should be a fact of life, imho. If they're easily butthurt by your self-respect, then like you said, they're the problem, not me. When I meet those individuals, I figuratively run for the hills. They're not for me, and I want nothing to do with them.

anon
5/25/2016 05:22:42 pm

I'm a guy, but I've always been a bit runty and have had to learn to be better about demanding respect from the people I interact with; these days, if any woman treats me like shit, I just abruptly cut off all ties with her, because she's clearly garbage. I wish I had this confidence when I was a teenager: by cutting shitty women (and people in general) out of my life, I only have deep and long-lasting interactions with people I actually like!

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Eva Glasrud link
5/26/2016 04:27:57 pm

Exactly! You can never get back the time you waste on selfish, disrespectful people. Best to eliminate them.

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tracey
10/27/2016 07:49:38 pm

Jeff Fisher, as a good looking woman so I've been told, I would never treat you that way. Only cretins who judge unfairly would presume to do so. I know it's disheartening when it occurs, but you have to know there are kind, non-judgmental women out there who are not superficial. I'm one of them.

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bull
11/23/2016 05:51:52 pm

In a class, I was watching a guy and a girl say back and forth they hate each other. People often neg in less blunt manners as a form of playing around, because you test how a person feels about you, and you can see their reaction to gauge how you feel about them.

Negging is real because that's how a LOT of people unwittingly behave as par for the course. I was getting negged by a girl at a bar a few months ago because she apparently had a little thing for me. Is she listening to Roosh? I doubt it. She's just doing some things she's picked up socially.

Word of advice to femcunts and everyone else: pickup artists have NOT manifested some new way of doing things. They're not originators of this "social content". They're simply copypasting observed and successful human interactions as a rote formula.

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Eva Glasrud link
2/4/2017 09:01:46 am

The fact that you can't tell the difference between negging and teasing is why dating coaches exist.

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Jess
9/21/2017 11:37:30 pm

"fem-what"? See, that disgusting comment is why you get rejected by women. They are sensing your aggression and hatred. Why would any woman want to be with someone who hates women?

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Doran Nightingale
11/24/2016 06:08:13 am

Thank you for writing this piece. It is rare to see such reasonable advice for that isn't steeped in hatred or misunderstanding. Standing up for your own feelings and speaking when you don't like something is definitely how more people should go about their business. If everyone did more of this maybe others would have more opportunities to realise their behaviour is hurtful or pushing too far.

Great words of wisdom. Please keep it up.

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FKA link
11/24/2016 02:52:23 pm

The concept of "Rape" that you have its kind of weird. I've listened to my female friends many many times talking about how "i was so drunk last night i cant even remember how i ended up in bed with that guy" or them telling stories about how they woke up barely knowing the guy in bed next to them. Yet NONE of them would claim they were RAPED. None of them were sad or scared. They assumed -correctly- that they are adults who sometimes get really drunk and usually fuck guys -who were also drunk at the moment- and that's that. No one was raping that girl you mentioned in your article, she was just drunk fooling around with a guy -not some kind of monster, just a drunk and probably horny guy- like many people do at parties. No need to call everything "rape " ! since when someone forcing another human being to have sex is the same as two drunk adults making a mistake they will laught about next morning ?

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Eva Glasrud
2/4/2017 09:05:49 am

If you really think it's okay to drag a semi-conscious into a shed and rape her, then you are probably a rapist.

Reply
Don't Loose Your Edge
2/12/2017 10:32:42 am

Eva, your response holds more emotion than logic. This commenter does have something to learn, and I believe you have a way to teach them. I can point out the sentences in them original post that shines logical fallacys on your response. Instead of responding to a "presumed rapist," maybe respond to this persons question regarding alcohol and consent, what is consent, or the fine-line distinctions that many people may ponder when recalling a typical or unique college-weekend hookup. Don't lose your edge. Stay above emotional responding. It's the only way to retain your wisdom.

RadiusNodes
8/18/2017 04:13:49 pm

@FKA - c'mon there's a difference between two people being a bit tipsy and having a drunken fumble and a predator guy who is waiting until the women can't even stand before being "a gentleman" and escorting her back home.

I'm a guy and have seen on quite a few occasions guys clearly not drinking or drinking at a slower pace while buying the girl loads of drinks in the hope that she can't stand anymore. Luckily when I did see it there were friends of the girl around to make sure the guy didn't take her home. You'll also see the same type of guy waiting for any girl to get drunk to the level where she is clearly way more drunk than the guy. Luckily, I don't go to clubs anymore so I don't know if this is still a thing or not. I suspect it is because there are always desperate predators (as distinct from the cool Predator alien that can disappear and take out an army unit like the Arnie movie)

I'm not trying to be some moral crusader here either, but why would you want to have sex with what would amount to a corpse? I've seen guys trying to carry some girl outside of a club like they are doing a recreation of Weekend At Bernie's. So the woman doesn't remember anything after the event or feel anything at the time? The whole point of being with someone is that there is some sort of mutual attraction, if they wouldn't want to be with you unless they were nearly passed out drunk then where is the satisfaction in that? So you'd be happy to tell yourself, "I had sex with this beautiful woman the other day, of course, she was a limp, lifeless corpse who felt nothing as I moved on top her and I realised that I'm more dead inside than Bernie (from Weekend At Bernie's in case you didn't realise this was a comedic call-back from earlier on in the paragraph)?

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Elissa link
7/14/2017 06:55:12 am

Great words of wisdom. Please keep it up.

Reply
Viral Rang link
7/14/2017 06:58:04 am

Great words of wisdom. Please keep it up

Reply
alharamalrabe3 link
8/19/2017 11:35:10 am

Thanks for sharing

Reply
areghost link
9/9/2017 06:46:46 pm

Great post , thanks for share

Reply
Priyamvada Tendulkar
11/12/2017 08:44:25 am

I have just found this post and your site. This is one of the best pieces of writing for women I have ever come across! Most of the articles on this site should be required reading for women (and girls)! You're awe-inspiring! Your work is superb. Have you considered syndicating your articles to popular women's sites? I wish I had found these years ago! I'm from India where such articles are desperately needed and are in dire short supply. An example site, for India, would be "womensweb.in". I, as a teacher, am going to spread these around but I SO wish I had seen these articles sooner because I am thinking of how many students I could have helped in a better manner by providing access to the advice you've articulated so well! Sigh

Reply
عيون link
6/7/2020 02:22:41 am

Great post , thanks for share

Reply



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