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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

When "Achievement" is Toxic: My Thoughts on the (most recent) Gunn High School Suicide, and Raising Resilient Children

1/30/2015

21 Comments

 
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The Palo Alto Unified School District is reeling after yet another student suicide. This tragedy has triggered conversations about academic pressure and mental health in this ruthlessly high-achieving area.

Suicide and mental health are incredibly complex issues. But let's be honest: the culture at Gunn and many surrounding schools is toxic. During my work as a college counselor and life coach, I heard some pretty depressing stories that were in no way reminiscent of my high school experience. ​
"Everyone cries when grades come out -- even the boys," one student told me. "The lucky ones cry because they're relieved. But usually we cry because we didn't do well enough."

"I was never interested in the robotics club, but someone told my mom it was important to get into the UC's, so I've been in it for four years," related another.

"I don't like to go into too many details about my extracurriculars when I talk to my parents," a third student confided, "because I'm afraid they would say, 'This is how you spend your time after school?' and make me quit."

In the wake of this most recent suicide, I also learned that Gunn students have a tradition of writing the name of their college on their graduation caps. Not only is this extremely tacky... but it's also sort of sick. Perhaps one of the most visual representations of what's wrong with the "achievement" culture. 
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Because why take this opportunity to celebrate your progress, friendships, memories and experiences, when we could just have a "What college did you get into?" pissing contest?
I say this in no way to criticize my students or their parents -- they were only doing what they thought was necessary for a good future. But for most students, the key to a good future is a healthy and enriching present. As I wrote in Good Schools Don't Turn Kids Into Zombies, the most successful young adults I know are not the ones who got straight As. They're the ones who were given space, encouragement and resources to develop their own intrinsic interests -- whether through entering egg drop competitions or playing basketball or building sets for the school play. They are now running their own companies (one of my friends is even developing a flying car!) -- or at the very least, making enough money and loving their lives. 

And at the end of the day, isn't that what really matters? 

In this blog post, I will show you two ways to make sure you raise happy, resilient (and, ultimately, successful) children. I also hope to convince you that straight A's, perfect SATs and top colleges aren't the only path to success -- and, indeed, that the skills required to get straight A's are largely useless in the modern professional world. 

***

To raise happy and resilient kids, start by doing the following:

1. Let them fail. 

You read that correctly. Sometimes, when we're determined to get our kid into the best college, we insulate them from any kind of failure, ever. 

"Oh, you got a B on the math test? I'll talk to your teacher about it -- if she won't give you a re-take, I'll get her fired!"

"Oh, you forgot your violin and are going to get an F for the day in music? Here, let me just leave work, drive home, get your violin, drive it to your school, leave it at the principal's office for you, and then drive back to work to finish my workday -- because if you get an F for the day in music, you'll never get into Princeton!"

"I don't think you got to play enough in the game today -- I'll talk to your coach to make sure you get more time next game."

When you're willing to drop everything in your life -- whether a social, professional, personal or spousal commitment -- to insulate them from small failures and minor consequences, two very bad things happen:

1. You send a powerful social signal that failure is not acceptable. Ever. You send the message that this one high school quiz is more important than your job, your clients, your relationships -- your anything! Failure is the end of the world. It won't matter if you say to your child, "I love you for who you are, regardless of your grades," if your actions scream otherwise. 

2. You rob them of the chance to develop coping skills. You rob them the chance to ask themselves, "What did I do wrong? What can I do differently next time?" You rob them of the realization, "Wow. I really didn't give that my best effort, and it showed. Maybe I should prepare more or differently next time." You rob them of the chance to feel a little bit of anger, a little bit of hurt, even a little bit of shame -- and then learn how to deal with these complicated and painful emotions. So, now, how are they supposed to deal with a major hurt, such as not getting into their first-choice school, having their heart broken or getting cut from JV their senior year (or, God forbid, a serious injury or illness)?

When you insulate your child from failure, you aren't building a perfect resume. You're building weakness and dependence. So instead of always stepping in, always running interference and sending the terrible message that failure=death... just step back. Let them handle it their own way. Obviously, if something major happens, you're going to need to take a bigger role. But as long as it's something minor, your job is simply to support.

And, if necessary, follow up with a conversation that shows them that they are fine, you are fine, and everything will be okay. Help them further develop coping skills by asking questions like:

"In your own words, tell me what happened."
"Why do you think this happened?"
"Can you think of anything you could do differently next time?"
"It sounds like you're handling this fine on your own, but is there anything I can do to help?"

Even if you are angry or disappointed, try to remain neutral during this discussion. To make sure they feel understood and validated, repeat what they said back to them. Literally say, "I heard you say that _____, and so you _____. Is that correct?" 
2. Let them explore.

I read this awesome book once. It was called A Whole New Mind: Why Right Brainers Will Rule the Future, by Daniel H. Pink. I highly recommend that you buy the book and read the entire thing, but if you need the TL;DR (that's Internet for "too long; didn't read"), it's this:

Once upon a time, America was "discovered." There was land everywhere, and people who could farm well had stable jobs and could make a good living. It was the beginning of the Agricultural Age.

Then, the steam engine happened. It was the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, and, in turn, the Industrial Age. People with strong hands, good hand-eye coordination and tireless work ethic were successful in this economy. 

But then! The Information Age happened. Universities began churning out "knowledge workers," like doctors, accountants and lawyers. People who could memorize huge amounts of information were rewarded in this economy -- hence the fact that over half of America's top graduates do the same six jobs after graduation... even though, I regret to inform you, the Information Age is over. 

Yet again, the world has changed. We are more connected -- to both technology and the rest of the globe -- than ever. We can outsource knowledge and factory work with the click of a mouse. We can automate machines and computers to do much of the labor, memorization and thinking that was previously only achievable by humans. According to venture capitalist Vinod Khosla, 80% of what doctors do can now be done better by machines. That obviously includes many cognitive tasks, like diagnosis and prescribing medications. If all your child can do is memorize information and regurgitate it in tests and papers... they aren't going to be very valuable in the Conceptual Age.

So. What skills will make your child valuable in the job market? Anything that can't be done better by a computer or cheaper overseas. According to Pink, this boils down to six essential skills:
  1. Design – Moving beyond function to engage the sense.
  2. Story – Narrative added to products and services - not just argument. Best of the six senses.
  3. Symphony – Adding invention and big picture thinking (not just detail focus).
  4. Empathy – Going beyond logic and engaging emotion and intuition.
  5. Play – Bringing humor and light-heartedness to business and products.
  6. Meaning – the purpose is the journey, give meaning to life from inside yourself.
At the time of writing, none of these skills are really being "taught" in school. But! The good news is, your child can develop these skills on their own by having the freedom (and encouragement) to explore their interests, and develop an understanding of the needs of their community in a way that only humans can. 
Need some examples? Here are a couple of students who became millionaires by the time they were 25:
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Jermain Griggs (hearandplay.com) is worth $5 million -- and it all started with his love of music. He started a website to help people learn to play music by ear, rather than reading sheet music. His passion shone through -- and, after a lot of work, was making millions of dollars doing something that started out as an intrinsic interest. 

(Also worth noting: Jermain went to UC Irvine. Not Harvard. Not Stanford. Because where you go to school doesn't matter if you've had all the creativity squashed out of you.)

Susan Gregg-Koger (modcloth.com) is worth $15 million -- because she had an interest in vintage fashion. Rather than focusing on straight A's, she devoted much of her time in college to selling clothes online. Now her full-time gig, she provides clothing, shoes, wedding dresses, accessories and household items to customers around the world. Check it out: 
I'm really glad her parents never told her that she should spend less time on thrifting and more time on studying for the SATs or the MCATs. Because then this amazing store would not exist, and Susan would be slaving away passionlessly behind a desk (or, just as likely, competing with hundreds of other applicants for the same $35,000/year job) somewhere. 
Emerson Spartz (GivesMeHope, OMG-Facts, MuggleNet) loved Harry Potter. At age 12, he launched www.the-best-harrypotter-links.homestead.com -- and his parents gave him the space to work on it when other kids were busy with school or homework. It evolved into MuggleNet, which evolved into an expertise in HTML, which evolved into an innate understanding of virality and, eventually, a multi-million dollar company. 

I'm not saying school shouldn't matter. It does! It's a great way to learn how to work hard towards a goal. It's a great way to develop self-control and self-discipline. It's a great way to explore a wide range of topics, from history to math to shop. It's a place where kids can build an identity, coping skills, social skills and empathy -- if we let them. And it's a time when kids can learn how to fail, how to take a risk, with only minor consequences. 

But based on the conversations I've heard about Gunn lately, this is not what high school is about right now. As a parent, you can't single-handedly change the culture. But you can start with the advice and examples in this post to help your child develop resilience and begin to explore things that give their life meaning -- whether that's vintage fashion, toilets... or something completely different. 

***

If you enjoyed this post and want more recommended reading, I suggest:

How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid For Success, by former Stanford dean Julie Lythcott-Haims
The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids, by psychiatrist Madeline Levine
Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies or "Fat Envelopes," 
by psychiatrist Madeline Levine

In addition to:

APs Make You Look Complacent, NOT Curious (especially if you go to a school like PALY or Gunn)
Going to Stanford Doesn't Mean You'll Get a Stanford Education - And Going to a State School Doesn't Mean You Won't

4 Reasons a Tutor is the WORST Thing You Can Do For Your Child
High-Achieving Teens Feel Empty. Therapy Doesn't Help, But This Might

Thoughts or suggestions? Please share in the comments!
21 Comments
jetpilot
2/2/2015 11:36:00 am

Agree. Dovetails nicely with piece published Saturday in Palo Alto Weekly. Loved the examples of successful people who did NOT take AP classes. My oldest daughter is Cal graduate and PhD, now Physics professor at MIT and one of the world's leading young particle physicists-- took NO AP classes in high school. The toxic hyper-competitive culture at Gunn needs to change-- even if many students and parents complain.

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Eva Glasrud link
2/3/2015 07:18:24 am

That's awesome -- especially considering the tragic shortage of female science professors at top institutions! It sounds like she's forged quite a path for herself :)

If you don't mind my asking, what sorts of activities did she enjoy in high school and before? I've found that the best engineers I know spent a lot of time taking things apart, and the best biologists spent a lot of time experimenting with explosives or playing in creeks. But I don't know very many physicists, so I'd be curious to hear...

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psychologist
2/3/2015 03:30:11 am

Loved this, and am copying over an excerpt of a comment I left on a different post re: the examples in this post.

You don't have to be an internet millionaire to be successful. It's pretty obvious that those were extreme examples, meant to inspire kids to take a chance. Maybe you don't make $5M selling ear training lessons, but you end up making a steady passive income of $500 a month (even $50/month would be an extra $600 per year!), which will massively help them pay off their inevitable student loans. It could even help them get the momentum they need to start running a small music lesson business. Or maybe no one buy their lessons, and, in the process of trying to figure out why, they discover a passion for statistics or a social media marketing genius. Either way, it's a much better use of their time than... what? Spending several extra hours writing a paper for a required class they not interested in and will never think about again, so they get an A- instead of a B+?

I know people don't like being told that they're wrong, but try to take it in stride. And try to apply these lessons to your parenting. Your kids will thank you.

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jumpstart
2/3/2015 06:14:41 am

While I agree with your principle of failing often and exploring more, I believe that the blame on parents is unwarranted. There are deeper causes for such suicide tragedies.

When you criticized a parent saying to his/her child "if you get an F for the day in music, you'll never get into Princeton," did you stop for a moment and ponder whether that statement was true? It is well-known fact among high school parents that certain universities ONLY accept students with almost all As. A few Bs may be OK, but a C is definitely a no-no. And all-As is not even enough! Then what do you think about how these college admission processes need to be changed?

When you listed all these people who started their own business without going to prestigious schools, did you know that in Silicon Valley, where Gunn High is located, big-name VCs are obsessed with investing exclusively in top-tier school graduates? In Silicon Valley, if you are not from a top-tier school or some frat boy club, you are not relevant as an entrepreneur. You can bootstrap, but do you know how hard it is? Should VCs be changed too?

There are much more...

This is sad that as a society, we have given too much credits to top-tier university graduates. Parents are victims too.

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Eva Glasrud link
2/3/2015 07:09:23 am

"Blame" is too strong a word. I think parents do what they do because they want the best for their child -- there are just a lot of misperceptions about what that means.

Did I ever stop to think that getting an F for the day in music might actually mean not getting into Princeton. Well, not specifically Princeton, no. I don't know how they do things over there... but I did get in to Stanford. I went to a very competitive high school, and I got PLENTY of B's. I took one AP (AP Bio) -- and only out of genuine interest (I'd gone to scuba diving camp the previous summer and fallen in love with first aid, and was considering being a doctor -- I concurrently studied Marine Biology and History of Math, because those also seemed really interesting). I seem to remember there being an AP test you could take in the spring, where the high score is a 5. I didn't bother to take it -- I figured if I took biology in college, I'd be able to test in to the appropriate level once I got there.

I didn't study for the SATs, but I still did pretty well on them the first time, so I didn't take them again.

I wrote my college essays about scuba diving, and how it relates to my interest in biology and chemistry; riding my bike to the beach with my friends, stopping to fix them with whatever tools or duct tape we had with us all along the way; and something else, which was probably at least a little about my faith.

I didn't get straight A's at Stanford, either. But because I did undergraduate research in the psychology department and had close relationships with my advisors and professors, I was able to get into the grad program I wanted.

While I was at Stanford, I had the opportunity to work with Joseph Brown, PhD, who serves as a recruitment officer at Stanford. He shared his personal experience being on the admissions committee. He told me that, at least at Stanford, admissions officers are more interested in how you've taken advantage of (or created) opportunities at your school. It can be impressive to have taken 8 APs. But it can also be impressive to have taken one AP AND started your own t-shirt company (that eventually failed). It can be impressive to have won the national chess championships... and it can be impressive to have played chess for hours every day, even though you weren't very good, because you were determined to improve. (I kid you not. I have a good friend who went to Gunn and then Stanford, and her essay was abot how terrible she was at chess.)

I'm not so sure I agree with your perception of VCs being obsessed with top-tier grads, either. I mean, I think we can all agree that VCs are idiots. They overlook a lot of the top talent, based purely on race and gender. Did you see the "What Silicon Valley Thinks of Women" article last week? (http://www.newsweek.com/2015/02/06/what-silicon-valley-thinks-women-302821.html) Among the many shocking quotes in the article:

"VCs are not funding women. According to a study by Babson College, only 2.7 percent of the 6,517 companies that received venture funding from 2011 to 2013 had women CEOs. Meanwhile, the Kauffman report found that female-run startups produce a 31 percent higher return on investment than startups run by men."

So to answer your question, YES! VCs should change, too! They'd be at least 31% richer if they did.

I'm not surprised to hear that they sometimes overlook entrepreneurs who didn't go to top schools. But that's not the end of the road for non-Ivy entrepreneurs. I mean, the GoPro guys went to UCSD. Steve Jobs, Sam Walton, Larry Ellison, Richard and Maurice McDonald, Marc Benioff and Kiichiro Toyoda didn't go to top-tier schools, either.

In fact, according to research by Vivek Wadhwa:

"In the first project, we looked at the background of 317 immigrants who started tech companies in the U.S. We expected the vast majority to be from the most prestigious institutions in their home countries such as the Indian Institutes of Technology (IIT) and China’s Fudan and Tsinghua Universities. We were surprised to learn that a public college, Delhi University, graduated twice as many Silicon Valley company founders as did IIT-Delhi. And that two other public colleges, Osmania and Bombay University, trumped nearly all of the other IITs. China’s Tianjin and Shanghai Jiao Tong Universities graduated more Silicon Valley founders than did Fudan and Tsinghua.

These study subjects were immigrants, and we weren’t sure if this would be the same with American graduates. So we looked into the educational background of successful American tech company founders. We found that the 628 U.S.-born tech founders we surveyed received their education from 287 unique universities. Almost every major U.S. university was represented. The top ten institutions in this group accounted for only 19% of the entire sample. To be fair, this shows that top-tier universities are overrepresented in the ranks of entrepreneurs. We also found that Ivy League schools,

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Eva Glasrud link
2/3/2015 07:14:35 am

Oh. I guess the last part of my post got cut off. Here it is:

"We also found that Ivy League schools, which graduate 1.6% of American students, were 8% of our sample. The point is that 81% of the tech company founders came from “regular” schools—and don’t bear the same financial burden as the elite.

In a third research project, we looked into the backgrounds of the founders of 549 successful businesses across a number of high-growth industries. The proportion of Ivy-Leaguers was even smaller (about 6% of the sample). We also found that MBAs tended to start companies sooner after graduation (13 years after) than bachelor’s degree holders (17 years after). And both these groups were quicker to found startups than PhDs – who typically waited 21 years from the time they graduated to start their ventures. Computer Science/IT grads became entrepreneurs sooner than MBAs (13 years vs. 15 years) and applied science majors (20 years)."

Read more at "Want to be an Entrepreneur? Don't go to Harvard." (http://blogs.wsj.com/accelerators/2013/08/15/vivek-wadhwa-if-you-want-to-be-an-entrepreneur-dont-go-to-harvard/)

Parents are victims, too. That's why they get so stressed, so involved, in their high schooler's life. But I'm certain that your child can stand out more and have more success and mental health in life if they spend time working on things they love and applying that to their schoolwork... than if they are just a list of grades and extracurriculars.

Feel free to contact me if you want to discuss this further.

Anonymous
2/3/2015 09:13:41 am

I think your point about start ups not necessarily being founded by people from elite schools is a good one. I also thought I'd add to this. My father was a senior executive at a fortune 500 technology company. During his long tenure at the company, he told me that the one school where he had to fire the most MBAs from was Harvard. He said they were strong on academic knowledge of business but not practical knowledge, and that they also often felt better than all their peers because of the university they went to and therefor didn't work well with others on the team because they considered themselves better than other. My father himself went to a small liberal arts school for undergrad and did his graduate work at a mid range public school in the midwest. Yet he rose to the top ranks of the company. Likewise he told me about another senior executive that didn't even have a 4 year degree, rather started as a technician with an associates degree and still rose to the top levels of the company.

He told me these stories when I didn't get into my first choice school. However as I've gotten older and learned more about the real world I have taken to heart just how true this is. I wanted to point this out because even if you don't start a company yourself, but rather work inside a company, it's really performance that matters. Having a degree from a top university, if it makes you feel superior than your colleagues, can actually be a liability. Often top academic universities teach less practical knowledge and more purely academic skills as well.

I think it was worth adding this example because not everyone will be an entrepreneur but the concepts you are discussing apply more broadly to people working at a job a large company or other more traditional careers as well. In the end it is real creative thinking and talent that matter, as well as your ability to work with others and other soft skills that don't necessarily get taken into account by the college admissions system that determine success. I really enjoyed your post.

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Eva Glasrud link
2/3/2015 09:19:06 am

So true -- thanks for sharing! I have an amazingly wise mentor who once told me, "Your Stanford diploma will only get you so far, Eva. When you're right out of school and there's not a lot on your resume, people will go, 'Wow, you went to Stanford! That's great!' But a few years out of school, people are going to start to say, 'Yeah, you went to Stanford five years ago... but what have you done since?'"

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Julie Lythcott-Haims link
2/3/2015 12:27:23 pm

Great piece and thanks for the shout-out Eva!

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Eva Glasrud link
2/6/2015 05:54:33 am

Thanks, Dean Julie! I'm so excited for your book to come out, you don't even know.

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Gunn Alumnus
2/4/2015 03:28:18 pm

Dear Eva,
Your article has several attacks on Gunn which are unfounded and unwarranted. First off, your sources you used as quotes at the beginning of your article are at minimum exaggerations. First being, never have I seen “everyone” crying after grades come out, whether in joy or in agony. Yes, some people do react strongly to a bad or good grade, but I take issue with this blanket statement about the entire Gunn student population. If a student did actually tell you this, he was clearly speaking out of hyperbole or exaggeration, as it is a fairly rare occurrence for even one student to react this strongly to a singular grade. You make it sound as if Gunn students live from grade to grade and I can assure you that we do not. The student who claims to have unwillingly joined the robotics team for 4 years is an incredibly rare specimen in that he or she does not represent the robotics team nor the typical Gunn student. This scenario is no longer even possible as the team has not allowed freshman to apply in many year. All but a few students on this team are driven, and thoroughly enjoy the team.

Furthermore, I take great offense at your description of putting our future colleges on our graduation caps as a “pissing contest.” This opinion exemplifies your lack of understanding of our school. Our graduation caps represent our proud achievements, and I can assure you that they are worn with pride in whatever school we got into. As an example to demonstrate this pride to you, every one of these caps were handmade by the students themselves—we put effort into these because we are proud of what we’ve accomplished. We treat graduation as a culmination of our accomplishments, and almost all of us are proud of where we are going. We don’t, as you seem to think, look around bitterly, thinking about which colleges accepted us and which did not. Look at the picture you used, I see only smiles, no bitter disappointment or evidence of this said pissing contest.

You make it sound as if we students are all ignorant: “they were only doing what they thought was necessary for a good future. “ You make it sound as if it is wrong to want to achieve great things, or excel in what we do. In fact, you also mention that “the most successful young adults I know are not the ones who got straight As… they're the ones who were given space.” My question to you, is why not both? You mention that good grades, scores and colleges aren’t the only path to success, but they do represent one of the surest. Most of the brightest students I know were self-motivated and definitely were given this space. You may point to the high level of APs taken by Gunn students, but instead I’d like to point out that it is lucky for Gunn to offer such stimulating courses in a large variety of subjects. The AP classes I took at Gunn were some of the most interesting classes I took, and I took every one because I wanted to, not because I felt forced.

Finally, I implore you to research and reach out to more students and staff and not rely on evidence “based on the conversations I've heard about Gunn.” If you talk to the overwhelming majority of students, they will indicate that the environment at Gunn does not force us to focus solely on grades or test scores. In the suicide you are referring, the parents of the student released a press statement specifically noting that academic stress was not a factor in the student’s depression. Gunn has about 97% of students go onto postsecondary education, which is no small feat. We strive to succeed academically not because we are forced, but because we know we can. To take that away from us would be a waste of talent and capabilities, and only generate boredom and apathy. We believe that we can achieve great things, and so we strive to gather the necessary tools. In the words of John F Kennedy, we choose to challenge ourselves not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

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Eva Glasrud link
2/6/2015 07:36:17 am

Thanks for your feedback - though I can assure you, I wasn't exaggerating any of this. The quotes I used in the beginning of the article were pretty much verbatim (I have a great memory for that sort of thing). Is it possible my students were exaggerating? Sure. But they seemed pretty darn authentic when they were sharing their stories with me.

Admittedly, the "robotics" student wasn't really a robotics student. I changed that detail to protect my student's privacy. The point wasn't about robotics. It was about a kid participating in a STEM club (or even CSF, or any other club the student is doing) for extrinsic, rather than intrinsic, reasons.

However, I stand by what I said about the graduation caps, though. Because getting into your first-choice school isn't an achievement. No matter how amazing and smart and "perfect" you are... there's only a 5% chance you'll get into an Ivy. When I was at Stanford, the admission rate was closer to 10% -- and even then, I knew that I was at least a little lucky to have been accepted. I've been called a lot of things, and "arrogant" is one of them. However, I have never been so foolish as to think my high school achievements were somehow "better" than those of the 9 students who didn't get my spot. We ALL had good grades. We ALL had good test scores. We ALL worked hard. We ALL experienced setbacks, failures... and major victories.

In other words, I truly believe that students who get into Stanford and Harvard aren't "better" than kids who only got into their second-choice (or safety) school. They're just luckier. So calling the college you got into an "accomplishment" is like calling finding $5 on the street during your run an "accomplishment."

On the one hand, you wouldn't have found that $5 if you hadn't braved the rain and cold weather. But you're not a better runner than I am just because you found $5 and I didn't. (You can read more of my thoughts on this on my new post that you totally inspired: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/getting-into-your-first-choice-college-is-not-an-accomplishment )

I don't think that excelling in what you do and doing what you love are mutually exclusive. I've just read and observed that high-achievers spend more and more time doing things they "should" do, than things they actually WANT to do. I studied psychology, so I'm aware of the very negative mental health implications of this. It scares me enough that I spend hours each week reading and writing about it, basically for free.

If you took the classes you took because you wanted to, and not because you felt you had to, you are very lucky. And in no way am I suggesting that we should "take" anything away from Gunn students. I just would like to see an environment where these gifted, driven kids apply their energy to achievements that bring their life meaning and joy, rather than relief.

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David Gleit
2/4/2015 04:06:04 pm

I am disappointed that all the success stories you cited seemed to stress the wealth these people created - all 3 mentioned the word "million" to back up this notion of success. Is that the real measure of success that we want to reinforce to parents? Seems to me you could have cited a kid who became the best second grade teacher ever as a success story too, even if they never became a millionaire...

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Eva Glasrud link
2/4/2015 04:28:56 pm

Fair enough. The point of including those three examples was showing that kids with seemingly "useless" interests like fashion or Harry Potter can become extremely successful by fostering those skills. No one should ever say, "I'm afraid to tell my parents too much about my extracurriculars," because you never know what hobbies or interests can become valuable -- either by providing the child with money, happiness, or a good learning experience. But I also thought examples of internet millionaires might be the kinds of examples parents who pressure their kids would appreciate.

I provided some examples of kids who made a decent living (or even just some supplemental income) in my most recent post: http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/achievement-isnt-normal-its-log-normal-heres-that-that-means-for-your-childs-future

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Reader
3/19/2015 02:03:00 pm

I think this is still missing the point though, if you keep talking about what income these kids could make. Is that all life is about, how much money you'll earn, and whether it's a "decent" amount or not? Yes, it's good to encourage kids to pursue things that interest them, but not because they can make a buck from them. (Sometimes that's what can ruin your interest in them, turning them into a way of making money.)

Eva Glasrud link
5/1/2015 05:49:07 am

The point isn't about how much money they'll make. The point is that a lot of parents and students alike worry about how they're going to make a living as an adult. Parents pressure their kids into spending time on activities that will "guarantee" a good income -- which is why more than half of America's top grads will do the same six things after graduation (law school, med school, grad school, finance, consulting and teach for america), even though people in these fields often feel discontent and passionless.

The "point" I'm trying to make is that ANYTHING can turn into income, passive income, supplemental income, a multimillion dollar startup... or just a cheap, fun alternative to therapy.

Kevin Bates
4/27/2017 04:37:13 am

" Is that all life is about, how much money you'll earn, and whether it's a "decent" amount or not?"

YES

Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos Warren Buffett, et al are BIGGER & much more important than GOD

Kevin Bates
4/27/2017 04:35:19 am

let's get real..money is not everything, it's the ONLY thing, especially in USA culture

Reply
Emily
8/10/2015 01:50:06 am

Unfortunately teen cluster suicide is an incredibly complex issue. It's is not so simple as saying don't worry you can still succeed even if you didn't get into Harvard. No one takes their life because of such a silly reason, even here, in SV.

What you don't understand is the reason why Gunn students are so stressed is not because they won't get into Harvard. The reality is you can work your tail off at Gunn, and not even get into a UC, because each school is only going to accept so many kids from Gunn. When I went to school I worked hard and I was rank #1/530 kids when I applyed to college. Were I at Gunn today, I probably would be less than 50th percentile. But all of this is one factor in the complex issue of suicide. The reality is that teens across the entire country contemplate suicide frequently. However, for most, they do not follow through. Once a well liked teen at your school commits suicide, it's like opening a floodgate. Those students struggling with serious mental health issues now see death as a viable path to ending their pain. In one impulsive decision they make a decision that cannot be taken back. And then the depression snowballs in the entire student body and community.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
8/10/2015 02:44:54 am

Yes, the issue is incredibly complex. And though I try to provide examples, here, of people succeeding by following different paths than the AP-GPA-SAT, the focus of the article is that we, at the earliest age possible, need to embrace failure as both an unavoidable part of life... and an important learning opportunity.

There's no doubt that mental illness is, in a way, "contagious." We learn how to express our pain from seeing how others in our culture do the same.

And there are countless other factors, too. This blog post focuses on the toxicity (and narrowness) of our "culture of achievement," and the importance of resilience, coping skills and failure. If you have thoughts to add -- please reach out! Maybe you could do a guest post.

Reply
phd dissertation writing services link
1/6/2016 01:28:50 pm

Well post and achievement is toxic a good topic and i appreciate you because its give us good information how to student should live thanks for sharing .

Reply



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