I saw a post on Reddit today, in which a freshman wrote that she (he?) regrets her choice to go to Stanford. 

After reading the details, I replied that she doesn't "not fit in." She just thinks she doesn't fit in, so she's acting socially weird, which makes her actually not fit in. 

If that sounds like it might be you, read on:

​Here is the original post:

First of all, loneliness and feelings of isolation suck. From an evolutionary perspective, they are designed to hurt -- real, physical pain. It sucks so much and I'm sorry.

But, look. Either everyone at Stanford is mean and exclusive, or you are doing something that's preventing real friendships from forming.

The sooner you can take accountability and do some reflection on what you're doing wrong, the sooner you'll start making friends.

​Here are some things that I saw in your post that may or may not be completely accurate, but might give you some starting points for reflection:
​

​I had a friend who used to kinda scowl a lot at parties and stuff because she was unexcited. The result? No one talked to her. So she got madder and felt more uncomfortable and less excited. So she looked more miserable. So even fewer people talked to her -- most were scared to even look at her!

People don't go out because they want to talk to someone who is scowling and miserable.

If you could find a way to cognitively reframe your attitude about Stanford, especially during social events, and could come across as more excited, you'd probably have more and more positive interactions. Here's a thing I wrote about cognitive reframing.

Cognitive reframing has long been used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help patients with identify -- and then disrupt -- negative thoughts and thought patterns. Originally developed to combat depression, it quickly caught on among psychologists, and soon spread to more general uses.

Lachman et al. (1992) found that cognitive reframing improved poor memory. It has also been shown to reduce performance anxiety and help parents and children cope with disabilities. It reduces stress and anxiety... and even increases happiness and wellbeing. 

And, with a little effort, it can have a powerful affect on your life, too. 

For example, road rage.

For a lot of people, something as fleeting as being cut off by another driver on your way to work could be enough to derail their whole morning, as your stress and fight-or-flight instincts cause adrenaline and cortisol to be pumped into your system.

"What a jerk! Doesn't that guy realize what an idiot he is? He's going to kill someone!" you might scream to yourself.

Or you may scream at directly at him, even though he can't hear you. You may lean mercilessly on your horn -- or even flip him the bird! 

Honestly, just imagining such a scenario is enough to make most peoples' blood pressure spike. 

Here's how to cognitively reframe this situation:

Humanize the person who cut you off. Instead of assuming he is a jerk... assume he is in the car with his wife. She's gone into labor, and he is frantically trying to get to the hospital for his son to be born. Of course he cut you off -- can you really blame him? 

So how does the Stanford girl incorporate this into her life? 

Next time she's nervous about a party or event or interaction, she can pause and tell herself, "I am SO EXCITED for this event." I cannot WAIT for this conversation!"

This is weirdly effective, according to research, because excitement and anxiety are physiologically very similar -- the main difference is attribution. Is my heart racing because I'm scared, or excited? 

​Next time she's feeling overwhelmed, she can cognitively reframe the situation, telling herself, "Stanford has a million opportunities, and I'm taking advantage of as many as I can, and that is SO exciting!" or, "All freshmen feel this way until they get their bearings -- the material is hard, but we are doing it! Together!"

Even if you don't completely believe it, a part of you will. And that will impact your brain, which will impact your mood, which will impact your social interactions and overall well being. 
​

​Don't ignore your own agency in friendships and interactions.

By definition, interactions involve at least two people. One of them is you. If transactional and forced is how all interactions and friendships feel to you, maybe YOU are the one making it that way.

Or maybe you're just imagining it.

A lot of people suffer with intrusive thoughts that are not consistent with reality. Maybe the problem isn't what other Stanford students do -- it's your interpretation of it.

Such thoughts correlate with depression, but that can be interrupted and reframed. I highly recommend reading Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life, by Byron Katie, whom I first met during her guest lecture at Stanford. Next time you think someone is being interactional, ask yourself:

Is it true?

Are you SURE?

You'll find that it's almost never true and you can hardly ever sure.

​Everyone takes time to adjust and find their group. Some people THINK they found their group, then sophomore year, all their friends get put in different dorms, and they stop hanging out -- turns out, their friends were of the convenient variety.

Who cares, though? They still had fun together for a whole year!

Everyone struggles to find their place. Some people find it sooner than others.

But when you go into things -- classes, clubs, dining halls -- with the feeling that you don't belong, it will show on your face and body language, which will do two things:

1. It will decrease how many people want to talk to you
2. It will make people who DO talk to you think that you don't like them. 

This is REALLY important: just as YOU attribute everyone's unspoken negative emotions -- stressed about a test, late for class, homesick -- to yourself, OTHER PEOPLE DO THE SAME THING WHEN THEY TALK TO YOU.

If someone is talking to you and you're sitting there feeling overwhelmed and like you don't belong, that person is going to think, "She's unhappy because she doesn't like ME. *I* am the reason she seems unhappy."

People attribute what they see on your face and in your body language to themselves. And, since people like people who like them, it's going to make them not like you.

A lot of people don't know this, but charisma is a science, not an art. If you want to be charismatic, you need to be present and authentic, and you need to show genuine care and interest in others.

Here's a video I made that illustrates this really well. 

The "guy" on the left -- me -- is eager to please... which is great. Except he is really only thinking about himself and his feelings. He isn't present in the moment. He isn't enjoying what is happening around him. He is so involved in how he is feeling that he isn't picking up on how other people are feeling, which is obviously going to cause interpersonal tension down the line

The girl on the left -- also me -- is totally immersed in the moment. She is loving the cocktails, the band, the dance floor, the activity. She is completely in tune with her partner, listening intently while he speaks and not just feeling, but anticipating, the way he is going to move on the dance floor. 

Granted, this is not real. This is ACTING. But when I was filming the guy part, I really tried to put myself in a self-focused, eager headspace. When I was filming the girl part, I looked into the camera and pretended it was someone I cared about, telling me an interesting story or teaching me a new dance move. I had an actual guy in mind (the one I wrote 9:15 about, in fact), and I was recalling an actual story he told me and responding how I actually would have. 

It's not PERFECT. But what I think is powerful about this side-by-side is how it's the same person (me), but in the one frame, I seem very cringe to be around, and in the other... I mean, I seem like the kind of person I would want to hang out with.

Or maybe I'm just way overestimating my own acting ability. 

Either way. 

Charisma is a science. Not an art. Some people automatically learn it. Others need to actively learn it. If you're struggling to connect with others, I highly recommend reading Olivia Fox Cabane's The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism.

It will change your life.

But, going back to the OP's thing about Stanford.

​Girl, the first thing you need to do is accept that the problem isn't Stanford. The problem is that your feelings are interfering with your interpersonal stuff. Going to a different school wouldn't change that, except insofar as you might be less in your own head at another school, so you won't act so weird and make everything think you don't like them.

The problem isn't that you don't fit in. It's the way you act because you think​ you don't fit in.

Last week, I walked off stage after a short set of mostly originals, including I Love This Coffee Mug, which is about love in the sand dunes, I Think About You When I'm Diving, which is about falling in love so hard, I think about the guy when I'm under 60 feet of water, and 3 Girls (But Only 2 Beers in the Car), which is about an epic mountain bike ride. 

As I was packing up my music stuff, a man in the audience walked up to me and joked, "Your songs are all so sad! Don't you ever play anything happy?"

The joke being, for those who are not familiar with my music, that all of the songs I played that night were ridiculously happy, to the point that people joke I sound like a Disney princess. 

The truth is, I do sometimes write tremendously sad, dark tunes. 

And I write a lot of music that is based not on personal experience, but social science research and social commentary. 
​

Yet the vast majority of my music is over-the-top happy.

Another songwriter asked this week, "How do you write happy? I've been writing music for 30 years, and literally everything I've written is sad."

So I thought about it for a second, and here's what I came up with. 

It's much harder for most people to write happy for a number of reasons.

First, we are all our own worst critics, and when you're writing sad, the risk is being boring or cliche.

When you're writing happy, the risk is being cheesy, and people tend to be much more self-conscious of that.

So the first thing you need to do is learn to care less what people think about you -- but, also, to OWN it. Some of my songs are very cheesy, and it WORKS, because I'm self-aware enough to see and acknowledge this. Cheesy is okay when you're self-aware about it. Then cheesy is a feature, not a bug. 

In fact, in Year-Round Valentine, I verbally recognize that I am being silly, over-the-top, and subjective -- but that it's okay to feel that way when you're in love. 

​The other thing is, when you're sad, you're more likely to be sitting around ruminating about your feelings. When you're happy, you're much more likely to be out skateboarding and boating and having fun with the person who makes you so happy.

Which makes it a lot harder to write a song about being happy.

The reason I am able to write so many happy songs, I've realized, is that in those magical, fun, happy moments, I'm in tune with thoughts in the moment. Things pop into my head while I'm out being happy, and I seize them.

Grab it. Hold onto it. Repeat it over and over in your head or make a voice memo so it's still there later when you have time to sit down and write. 

For example, here's the story behind I Think About You Underwater.

I was diving in Bonaire recently.... and I started thinking about a guy. This had NEVER happened to me before. Scuba diving is one of the most immersive experiences imaginable -- both because you're under several atmospheres of water, and because I've never thought about anything while I was diving except for diving. I think about THAT fish. I think about THAT turtle. I think about THAT reef. Scuba is better than meditation. 

I was 60 feet underwater and I couldn't get Brian out of my head, and I thought, "I should tell him. I should tell him I thought about him while I was diving, because that's like the greatest compliment a scuba diver could possibly give anyone."

With that, I started thinking about the hook ("Way down, I think about you underwater / Way down, daydreaming underneath the sea / Way down, I think about you when I'm diving, Like you're swimming right here next to me"), and I liked it!

I liked it SO much, and I knew I was going to forget it if I didn't do something, so I turned my GoPro around and bubble-sang the tune into the camera.

That night, I wrote the verses, and it instantly became one of my favorite songs -- and it turned out so ridiculously happy, it almost sounds like a kids' song. 

Here's another example: 

Last year, I met a guy. It was explosive and amazing, and we both kinda felt like we loved each other... even though we'd also only known each other a few days. Obviously we couldn't say, "I love you," so we kept Freudian slipping. "I love this coffee mug!" "I love this spoon!" "I love these socks!"

We both knew what was happening, and we were both enjoying our time together tremendously. Every time one of us said we loved something trivial and stupid, I'd think, "There's something there. There's something there. There's a song there."

​So after I left the Indiana Dunes, I started writing I Love This Coffee Mug in my head on the drive to Indianapolis. 

And, of course, there's the time I went mountain biking with a few girls, and a very unfortunate situation popped up that NO girl EVER wants to find herself in. Seeing the humor in the situation, I went home and wrote 3 Girls (But Only 2 Beers in the Car).

So, for me, in order to write happy songs, you need to do three things:

1. Get over the self-critical fear of being cheesy -- if it ends up cheesy, just be self-aware about it and OWN it.

​I outright verbally acknowledge how silly I am being in Year-Round Valentine.

And whenever I play I Love This Coffee Mug, I start by telling that story about the Freudian slips in a way that's self-aware and silly, so people are excited to hear what comes next. Yes, the song is cheesy -- but people seem to love it!

​2. Be mindful.

Every time you are happy, thoughts are going to pop into your head, and some of those thoughts would make an incredible song. But only if you are mindful enough to recognize when you have those thoughts -- "I love this coffee mug!" "I think about him when I'm diving!" "He's the best thing of all time!" -- and find a way to remember them for later.

3. Strike while the iron is hot.

As soon as you possibly can, sit down and start writing. If you try to write happy when you're feeling neutral, it's going to feel cheesy. If you write happy while you're still riding that high, everything will flow much more naturally. 

Now go have fun with someone you love -- and when you're done, write a song about it! 
​

I've often said that if I could snap my fingers right now and solve ONE problem... it would be loneliness. Loneliness is one of the most painful human conditions. It's designed to cause physical, all-consuming pain. 

It's evolution. 

People who didn't experience loneliness died alone without producing grandchildren. (From an evolutionary perspective, children don't matter. Grandchildren do. If your kids don't have kids, then from an evolutionary perspective, you never existed.)

Loneliness is designed to motivate us to form and maintain bonds...
​

But, annoyingly, loneliness can also lead to depression, which obliterates our motivation to go out, have fun, or even have sex.
​
Compounding this is the human instinct for idleness, designed to help us preserve energy when we're not hunting, gathering, and reproducing (another maladaptive byproduct of evolution​).

It's like this mutually reinforcing nightmare. The instinct for idleness makes us less likely to go out, which makes us less likely to form and maintain social bonds, which makes us lonely, which makes us less likely to go out because we don't have anything to go out with and going out alone is daunting to a lot of people, which can lead to or exacerbate depression. 

The advice I'm sharing today will help you make more friends in adulthood... but it's going to require a small effort on your part. In order for the advice to work, you have to commit to becoming a regular -- somewhere! anywhere! You have to commit to leaving your house and attending real, in-person events.

It doesn't matter if it's Harry Potter Trivia at a local bar. Or karaoke. Or an adult ultimate frisbee league. Or pickup soccer. Or surfing the same beach at the same time every week. Or joining a Wednesday night ride or a Tuesday morning yoga class. 

All that matters is that you commit to becoming a regular. 

Why? 

Because there are three prerequisites for forming a new friendship:

1. Proximity. It's actually the number one factor in determining liking, both because without being in the same place, you can't meet, and because proximity enables: 

2. Regular, unplanned interactions. Because chances are, you're not going to like someone SO much the first time you meet them that you're going to make plans with them. Usually, it takes a couple of encounters for people to decide, "Hey, I like you enough to do something I wasn't already going to do anyway with you," or even, "Would you like to join me to do something I was already going to do anyway, because I think it would be more fun if you came."

3. An environment that allows for openness, honesty, and vulnerability. You obviously have proximity and regular, unplanned interactions with work friends... But for most people, work friends are not people you can be truly open and vulnerable with, and work is not a conducive environment for discussing your divorce, the death of a parent, or a struggle you're having at... well, work. 

Self-disclosure drives feelings of closeness, and if you're in a setting that doesn't really allow for these conversations, the friendship will likely stay surface-level.
​

Of course, just going out​ regularly won't magically yield friendships. You still need to do things like smile and be charismatic. (Luckily, charisma is a science, not an art, and literally anyone can learn it. Whether you feel charismatic or extremely socially awkward, I highly recommend reading The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism at the soonest opportunity. It's fascinating, and everyone who reads it will learn something life-changing.)
​

​You still need to be aware of behaviors you may have that drive people away. (If you've got a close friend you can talk to openly, you can even ask them, "Hey, be honest. Is there anything I might be doing when I go out that people find off-putting?" Not only will it help you, but it could improve the relationship.)

It is worth noting that even just a decade or two ago, entertainment was much more likely to take place outside of the home. Food delivery wasn't what it is today. Streaming video didn't exist. Arcades were popular and in-person participation in religious and community organizations was much higher...

And there was significantly less depression then, because people had stronger social bonds as a result of being regulars at places outside of their homes. 

So if you are lonely -- or even if you just want more friends in your area -- make a commitment. 

Start googling adult sports leagues, karaoke events, book clubs, Bible studies, volunteer opportunities, writers' circles, group rides, yoga classes, Meetups, or whatever else interests you in your area...

​Then get up and go.

​Who knows? You just might end up with a new live album, a new skill, or a new friend for life!

It's a question that comes up all the time, but shouldn't. I am willing to answer it yet again, because certain social skills are slow to develop in some men, and I believe the advice that follows will help such men not only realize some of the basic, common courtesy around dating, but also reframe the way they see all social interactions, causing a positive impact in all parts of their life.

My hope is for them to read this and learn that interpersonal interactions are not isolated behaviors that exist in a vacuum. They are part of a dynamic, two​-person exchange with a lifetime of history and context. 

The post started with this question: 

If expecting a woman to cook/clean *because she’s a woman* is misogyny, then wouldn’t expecting chivalry from a man *because he’s the man* be misandry?

Question details included:

> If a man publicly says it’s a woman’s job to cook, clean, and care for the children, there’s a very good chance that most women would consider that misogyny. If we turn the tables around, and a woman says it’s a man’s job to pay for a first date, to take her out, initiate the milestones, open her doors, pay for things, etc. …is that not misandry, using the same logic? In both scenarios, each gender is being assigned a strict rigid task simply because of their sex/gender. However mainstream society only seems to call out the first scenario as sexist. And most women I’ve come across, to at least some degree expect those behaviors from men because they’re the man. Are most women sexist to at least some degree, if we hold them to the same standards as men?

There are a few things going on, here, that indicate an unhealthy, victimhood mindset and interpersonal dysfunction. The man's weak grasp of women's autonomy almost indicates autism or a similar developmental thing. 

Let's break it down. 

> says it’s a woman’s job to cook, clean, and care for the children, there’s a very good chance that most women (and probably a huge portion of men) would consider that misogyny.

Yes, because people are free to choose what job they want in life and relationships. Some women are happy to cook and clean, and that's great! Some women have no interest. That's also great!

It's pretty gross and backwards to expect ALL women to cook and clean for men because of their reproductive systems. We think with our brains, not our... whatever body part you think is responsible for cleaning. 


> If we turn the tables around, and a woman says it’s a man’s job to pay for a first date,


Actually, originally, it was the woman's job to pay for the first date, as dating took the form of courtships and early dates happened in the woman's home, where she/her family would feed and entertain the man.

THEN social norms changed, and it became more common for the man to take the woman out. Because men had earning power and women had none, men planned the dates and paid for them.

NOW the expectation is that whoever initiated the date pays for it, UNLESS THEY CLEARLY STATED before the person accepted the date, how much they thought it would cost.

This is basic common sense and courtesy.

What you may not realize is that everyone has a different budget for entertainment. It would be awful if I accepted a date with you, then you took me somewhere expensive, and expected me to pay, throwing off my budget for the rest of the month.

Obviously, it would be good if people in the US felt more comfortable talking about money. But let's be real, OP. If a woman asked about your salary before accepting a date with you, you'd go on Reddit whine about what a gold digger she is. Don't lie. 

You don't want her asking you about your salary, and you probably shouldn't be asking her about her budget yet, either. What you CAN do, is, WHEN you initiate the date, if you expect me to pay for my half, TELL ME how much you expect the date to cost BEFORE I accept or decline your offer. 

Since certain social skills may have been slow to develop in you, I will give you some templates you can use for this conversation: 

• I'd love to take you to Cirque du Soleil this Friday. The tickets are $45, unless you want to sit in the front. Then it's $85. 

This gives her the chance to say, "No, Friday won't work," without saying, "Actually, I am poorer than you and I can't afford that."

• For food, I was thinking something casual and fast, like Burrito Shop -- the bowls are about $8 -- and when we're done, I will teach you to skateboard.

This is a date that's pretty affordable -- and it souds more fun that sitting and looking at each other in a more expensive restaurant, anyway. 

• I'm not sure what your expectations are about who pays for the date, but I prefer to go Dutch the first date.

See? It's really not that hard. 

And it's not about the man paying because mISAnDrYYYYYy!!

It's about the man being a big boy who knows how to use his bog boy words.

Summary: if you're going to get your panties in a bunch about having to pay for a date, you need to either:

1. Learn to use your big boy words
2. Choose a date that is more within your budget so the money isn't such a major issue for you

​
Also worth noting: probably the reason you're single and not getting many dates is because not only are you insecure about money (a repulsive trait for someone you don't yet know -- unless someone is very wealthy, they're not going to want to start something new with someone who's not financially stable; personally, I make enough money to support an outrageously fun and amazing lifestyle for myself, but I can't really afford to subsidize another person; any man who wants to join me would have to be an equal partner, and early signs of financial instability would be red flaggy, unless there were a really good reason for said instability, like that he's chasing a huge moonshot of a dream that just might come true, because that's actually kind of hot)...

But you're also kind of entitled. You seem to have forgotten that YOU have asked HER for the pleasure of HER company.

SHE has AGREED to give YOU one of the only 52 Saturday nights she's going to have this entire year.

And you're sitting here bitching because you initiated the date and are therefore expected to pay?

Instead of whining and feeling wounded and victimized, maybe be appreciative of the fact that SHE has agreed to give YOU something of hers that is WAY more valuable than money: her time and attention.
​
You asked her out and she said yes. You should be excited, appreciative, and grateful. If you're not... why did you ask this woman out? 
​

> initiate the milestones,

Yes, because stereotypically, men are the ones who are slower and more reluctant to commit, and when women initiate milestones, people call them crazy.

> open her doors

Again, if you're going to whine about having to show appreciation and care and affection toward the woman who just agreed to give you the most precious thing she has -- her time -- you're unlikely to get a second date.

Women just are not into woundedness, stinginess, and victimhood. 

I'm pretty sure it's a hardwired preference. Women who liked woundedness, stinginess, and victimhood mated with men who were helpless, then they and their offspring died at the first sign of a drought or famine or bad hunting season. Only women who preferred men who were generous, autonomous, and confident in their ability to manipulate the world around them survived.

Women who chose men who didn't seem to cherish and appreciate them... died.

If you like her, you should WANT to open the door. It does't even take extra time or cost you anything!

And, in case you care, the reason for this and many similar traditions of men helping women is because of women's smaller, weaker size, paired with difficult fashions (hoop skirts, high heels, short skirts, corsets, etc.) over the years.

It's courtesy, not misandry.

> a strict rigid task simply because of their sex

It is very silly to compare spending two seconds opening a door to asking someone to spend an afternoon cleaning up a mess that isn't theirs.

Especially since, in the modern world, most women work, which was not true when the tradition of women cooking and cleaning started. (If you don't work outside the home, it makes much more sense that you would take care of the home. I'm sure you would agree.)

Within a relationship, a couple can agree to whatever norms and roles they want. It is fine to expect the man to always pay, if that expectation is clear and mutually agreed upon. It is fine to expect the woman to be a stay-at-home mom, if that is a value both members share and agree to.

But it's backwards and stupid to demand that all people follow YOUR norms, and your weird desire to control others might be another reason you're still single. 

***

So. Men whose panties are in a bunch about paying for dates or holding doors for women. 

My advice to you -- advice that I truly think could change your life and end your loneliness -- is: 

1. Use your big boy words to communicate your expectations about money, values, and whatever else is important in a relationship. 

2. Cognitively reframe the way you think about dating. Women are not into creepy entitlement and control issues. If you feel ENTITLED to our time, rather than GRATEFUL for it, we're going to notice, we're not going to like you, and we're not going to agree to see you again. 

Hopefully this helps. 

For more, check out If a Girl You Were Hitting On Was Rude to You, It's Probably Your Fault and "Creepy" Isn't About Attractiveness. It's About Reciprocity.

An important consideration for a mountain biking (or surf) trip is the timing of your visit. I recently had the opportunity to visit Asheville/Brevard/Dupont/Pisgah in March, and wasn't sure what the conditions would be like that time of year. 

Obviously, every year is different, but I found March to be an incredible time to ride. 

It was spring, so I was afraid the trails would be wet (past trips in November and May proved pretty wet), but the trails were perfectly tacky. The temperatures during the day were 50s-60s, with a few days in the 40s, so bring layers. 

It cooled off quite a lot at night, and I even had the water in my RV freeze up one night. 

Obviously check the weather conditions before your trip -- but, if you're going to go this time of year, you might also want to check if there are any scheduled burns. The Avery Creek area was closed for a few days due to a burn, which meant I had to move a few rides around. 

The best trails for intermediate/advanced riders include: 

Dupont: 
​
Big Rock and Cedar Rock. You'll have a 1-2 mile climb, followed by a fast technical descent with gorgeous views. Parts of the trails have a bit of a slickrock feel. 

Don't miss the many waterfalls in the area.

Pisgah/Brevard

Shuttle to the top of Avery Creek Road, if possible, though I've done the whole climb from town before (maybe 6-8 miles) and it's not that bad. 

Upper Black is VERY hike-a-bike, and the pay-off isn't amazing, but Middle and Lower Black are incredible flow trails.

​The route I prefer here is: 

​Club Gap (a steep but short climb) to Buckwheat Knob (a little more climbing, followed by fun downhill) to Bennett Gap Trail, which features GREAT technical sections and some of the best views you'll see on the trails. 

When you get back to Avery Creek Road, turn LEFT and go to the stables, where you can get onto the climb to the top of Middle Black. It's a 2-3 mile climb, and the payoff is some of the best flow trail in the... state? Country? 

When you're done, head over the The Hub (right at the bottom of the trail), or hit up one of the fun, outdoor breweries that are dog- and kid-friendly, like Oskar Blues (about a 10-minute drive).

You can also check out Kanuga (I've never gone because you have to pay to ride, but there's no shuttle or lift, so I don't really see the point; I guess it's more fun if you rent an ebike) and 

One disadvantage of biking in March is that the trees are still pretty bare -- but there are gorgeous purple and white flowers in bloom, which more than compensates. 

I've gone twice in October/November, and both times, the leaves were so beautiful it actually made me cry a little. 

I absolutely recommend making this trip, and if you're deciding between this and Bentonville, Brevard/Pisgah/Asheville is absolutely the superior choice. I didn't actually like Bentonville all that much compared to other riding that was a similar distance away. (From the Midwest, I'd take Marquette, Copper Harbor, Brevard, Knoxville, Snowshoe, Sugar Camp, and a lot of other places over Bentonville, which is kind of like Burning Man for biking.)

A behavioral and cognitive science graduate student recently published the results of his dating app deal-breakers survey. Overall, the results were not too surprising. 

Women don't want to date violent men. They don't want to date racist and sexist men. They don't want to date men who smoke, are vegan,  are dirty, are kinky, and who are non-monogamous.

28% of women also reported that they would reject any man who had pronouns in his bio.

Which makes absolute sense to me. I wouldn't date someone with pronouns in his bio, because there are only four reasons a man would do such a thing: 

1. He is brainless.

He is brainlessly, mindlessly following a misogynistic, anti-science, homophobic cultural trend without giving any critical thought to it. 

I am not interested in dating a man who is brainless.

2. He is spineless.

He knows that listing his "preferred pronouns" indicates that he is a misogynistic, anti-science, homophobic creep, but he doesn't care, because he would rather go along with the trans ideology movement than take a stand for women's sex-based rights, the LG community's right to be recognized as same-sex attracted (telling lesbians and gays they need to "unlearn their genital preferences" and accept opposite-sex people into their dating people is conversion therapy 2.0)...

Or even plainly observable reality. Men cannot be women, because "woman" is not a feeling men can have or a costume men can buy. Woman is a biological reality for adult, human females. Putting on womanface doesn't make men the "exact same" as an actual woman. 

3. He is a misogynist who does not believe in women's right to bodily autonomy or care about consent.

He might not be brainless or spineless. He might ACTUALLY worship at the altar of trans ideology. He might have actually critically thought about trans ideology and decided that male feelings and fetishes matter more than women's rights, safety, and dignity.

Here's the thing. If you are a man who does not think I have a right to decide which males I undress in front of, you are a violent, aggressive misogynist without a basic understanding of consent.

When women say no, it means no. 

It does NOT mean, "Try harder to force, guilt, and manipulate women into giving men access to their bodies while they are showering, undressing, using the bathroom, or inserting menstrual products into their vaginas."

Men who don't think women have a right to female-only spaces are not men I think it is safe for me to be around, because this belief shows a sociopathic disregard for women's privacy, dignity, and literal safety, and I do not want to knowingly put myself in a "situation" with this sort of misogynist. 

Men who think that my job, as a woman, is to be a human shield to protect males against male violence (a ridiculous notion, might I add, considering that it is actually very rare for trans-identifying males to experience violence, and almost all of the violence against them happens either during sex work, or in South and Central American countries with a strong machismo culture -- and while, of course, violence against sex workers is abhorrent, it is ridiculous to compare violence that happens to males during sex work to the violence that women and girls experience in their everyday lives, just for being female), are men who see me as a second-class citizen relative to men. 

Men who think that my safety is acceptable collateral damage in the quest to affirm male feelings are not men I would ever feel safe or comfortable being alone with. 

Do these men not know that trans-identifying males are 5x more likely than normal men, and 566x more likely than women, to be convicted sex offenders... or do they just not care? 

Do these men really not care about girls' and women's right to fair and meaningful competition in sports, even though 15 peer review studies in high-impact journals all show that the male advantage over women in sports never goes away, even after three years on hormone therapy? 

Do they really hate women that much?

That is a deal-breaker for me. 

4. She is actually a woman.

The only other reason a "man" would put pronouns in his bio... is that he's actually a woman. 

As a heterosexual woman, I do not date other women. 

It is completely bonkers to call people "transphobic" for their sexual orientation. 

The big "gotcha" male supremacists like to throw out there is, "If you were attracted to the person and you only stopped liking them after you found out they were trans, that makes you transphobic." 

It is not transphobic to not want to date a trans person. 

I don't hate smokers, but I wouldn't want to date one. 

I don't hate vegans, but I wouldn't want to date one. 

I don't hate trans people, but I wouldn't want to date one. 

I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why. But I will volunteer one. 

I am not sexually attracted to other women. 

I am not willing to start a relationship with someone I already know I can't have kids with. 

And I am not interested in men or women who worship at the altar of gender ideology, because that is not my religion. A relationship would not work out between me and someone who believes that wrong-gendered spirits can get trapped in wrong-meated bodies, and can only be freed through genital and chemical mutilation of a healthy body. 

I will not pretend to worship a religion I don't believe in, and I'm not particularly interested in dating someone who would. 

I will not date someone who doesn't understand or willingly denies science. 

I will not date someone who thinks woman is a feeling, and not a biological reality. 

And I will not date a misogynist who thinks women are second-class citizens who don't deserve sex-based rights. 

Hence, pronouns in bio would be a major deal-breaker for me. 

When someone you love, or even just like, suffers a loss, it can be hard to know what to say to them.

Which is silly. There actually are PLENTY of things you can say to them that will help.

And there are plenty of things you can say that basically mean, "Fuck you."

Doing the one and avoiding the other is actually quite easy. 

We'll start with what not to say, as that's the title of the post. 

Since the purpose of saying something to your liked or loved one is to comfort them, avoid self-indulgent comparisons. Believe it or not, people whose mom just died don't actually want to hear stories about your mom or dog or friend or whatever who died.

It isn't helpful.

A while back, this weird Facebook post went viral in which some self-obsessed person spent 10 paragraphs justifying why they constantly interrupt their friends to tell a similar (but, you know, better) story, "to show I'm listening." That post was bullshit. Interrupting someone's story to tell your own story proves you don't care about their story. If you did care about their story, you'd, like... let them tell it. Maybe, just maybe, even ask follow-up questions and shout exclamations in all the right places because you're deeply engaged in what they're saying. 

Stop overjustifying self-indulgence and shitty listening in order to satisfy your ego. 

Similarly, when someone is talking about a recent loss, don't interrupt and one-up them with stories about your own loss. 

It isn't helpful. It's actually pretty self-centered to imagine every grief and loss and relationship is the same as yours. 

If you want to be helpful, listen. 

Impulse control can be hard for some people. But here's one thing that is really, REALLY easy to avoid saying, and it doesn't take any impulse control whatsoever -- just a minuscule amount of basic human empathy:

"You should go for a run!"

I have this weird aunt who interrupted me when I was trying to talk about a very recent, very profound loss to tell me to go for a run. 

I was really surprised when she did it, because she's a pastor's wife, and I kind of expected, like... a rudimentary level of social awareness from her.  

But no. I wanted to talk about the person I lost, and my aunt wanted me to fuck off and go for a run. I guess she was busy that week. 

Or she never cared in the first place. 

Or she somehow got the idea that the problem is that I am fat, and not that someone I love had died. 

(Which, as any stranger who follows me on the internet would know, is not the problem... my abs are a washboard, bro. #ChooseBeautiful #StopTellingAmazingWomenToBeLess)

A few weeks later, I was talking to a good friend about my loss, and he told me I should go for a run.

I laughed, because I thought he was making fun of my aunt. When he looked confused by my laughter, I realized he wasn't joking. 

Turns out, he, like millions of other Americans, saw Legally Blonde as a child, and thought he was now an expert on endorphins. 

To his credit, he instantly realized what a stupid and shitty thing he'd said, and apologized. "My intentions were good," was all he said in his defense.

But the thing about having good intentions, as I wrote in ​For the Love of God, STOP Asking People If They're Okay! (Ask This Instead), is that just because your intentions are good, doesn't​ mean you're not causing harm. 

Psychology study after psychology study after clinical trial after public policy initiative after education reform prove this. You can have the greatest intentions and the purest heart in the whole world... 

But still cause harm. 

One thing that I thought was very funny in the aftermath of ​For the Love of God, STOP Asking People If They're Okay! (Ask This Instead), which is often one of my most popular posts, even years later, is how many people read the research, and instead of asking themselves, "Do I do that? Am I causing harm? What could I do better to help people I love?" doubled down on the thing they were doing wrong...

Almost as though it's more about protecting their ego than helping their friends and family. 

Almost. 

Now you know one reasonably easy thing not to do (interrupt and compare) and one really easy thing not to say ("Go for a run, fatty!").

So what should you say? What should you do?

This, too, is surprisingly easy.

1. If you know the person who died, tell stories about them. When someone dies, the bereaved fear forgetting. They regret the questions they never got to ask and the stories they never got to hear. Sharing memories and photos of the person provide respite from the pain of loss and fear of forgetting. 

If you're not sure if you should share photos, ASK. "Would you like it if I sent you some photos from the wedding? Your mom was my bridesmaid!" 

If the bereaved thinks it would be too painful or too soon, they'll let you know -- and maybe follow up with you in a few weeks or months when they are ready. 


2. If you didn't know the person, you can ask questions about them. When people suffer a great loss, that loss can be all they think about. Asking questions provides a chance to talk about the person they love.

If you're not sure, ASK. "I'd love to hear more about your dad. Do you want to talk about him, or is it too soon?" If they say no, proceed to:
​

3. Talk about your day. ​Even if you think it was a pretty routine, boring day.

This serves two important functions. 

First, it provides a brief distraction from their constant pain. 

During my grief, I appreciated the many friends who would call or message me to tell me about an annoying incident at the food truck, a missed doctor's appointment, a song they're working on, property damage from Hurricane Ian... or even just their cat. 

It meant that for a few minutes, I didn't have to be in constant pain. 

Second, it is an action that is high in communion (ie, affection, care, closeness), which is very helpful to someone who has lost a major source of affection, care, and closeness in their life. Someone who's lost the person they used to talk to most, or whom they used to call when they were happy, sad, or bored. 

Psychologically, this is exactly what someone in this position needs. 

They don't need some insensitive dickhead to tell them to fuck off and go for a run. (Although! "Let's go for a run" could actually be helpful, as it's a high-communion offer to spend time together, and not an invitation to lose weight and leave me alone.)

4. Offer to help (or just help without offering). Show up and do their laundry. Bring them a burrito. Tune their bike. Help them plan the funeral. Bring them coffee. Caulk their windows. Grief is exhausting, and all the legal and emotional and funeral stuff takes a toll. Even small chores can feel insurmountable. 

Moreover, these are all actions that are high in communion. They demonstrate actual care. They make someone who is worried about how they're going to survive the rest of their life without the person they lost feel a little safer, a little more cared for. 

***

Obviously, these actions will not solve the problem. The problem is not solvable. You cannot solve it. But, with a small amount of thought and sensitivity, you can provide brief moments of comfort and relief...

And maybe even short bursts of joy and laughter in someone's darkest hour.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner -- but it doesn't matter! My Eva Via original duet, Year-Round Valentine, is about how, when you're in love, every​ day can feel like Valentine's Day.

Even Valentine's Day.

I've often said that most people would be a lot happier if they could live their whole life like they're traveling. I don't mean going parasailing and hopping on planes. I mean deploying the same curious eyes and hungry mind in your everyday life that you do while you're overseas.  

I actually have a song about this. It's called A Lifetime in a Day. It sounds like a love song, and it vaguely is, but it's mostly about how I live every single day like it's my only day... 

So every day feels like an entire lifetime. 

Similarly, most couples would be a lot happier if they could life their whole relationship like it's Valentine's Day. 

Which I thought of today when this memory popped up on my Facebook memories:
​

I think my favorite thing about that whole relationship, which lasted years, was how every single day, we'd do shit like singing A Whole New World on a pile of rugs at Costco. No matter how long we were together, it never stopped feeling like we were IN love. 

Which is why I sing, in Verse 2 of Year-Round Valentine:

And then, in Verse 3, I continue: 

Shooting hoops can feel like throwing a ball at a basket, or it can feel like winning championships. 

Dating can feel like buying an obligatory bouquet one day a year, or it can feel like letting yourselves be silly together and flying over the ancient pyramids during a "boring" shopping trip. 

Life can feel like jobs and chores and to-do lists, or you can channel your wonder every day. 

It's all about mindset. (And probably a bit of hardwiring.)

So get mindful and intentional about the world around you -- and enjoy these Eva Via originals! Since Presidents Day is also coming right up, you'll also want to listen to Jefferson. 
​ 

It's about Thomas Jefferson, but Lincoln and Washington are in it, too. ​​

Eva Via has a new single -- and it's all about female friendships! 

In 3 Girls (But Only 2 Beers in the Car), I sing about a pleasant day out biking with the girls...

When we suddenly realize...

There's three girls...

​But only two beers in the car. 

​Things get nasty real quick! 

I wrote the song in Moab, Utah (it was inspired by the last little bit of trail back to the parking lot at Captain Ahab -- lyrics here) and recorded it in Missoula, Montana -- two of my favorite mountain biking destinations. 

My songs always had surfing or mountain biking in them -- after all, if I like a guy, that' what I want to do with him. (See also: I judge guys who ask me out for coffee.) But I didn't start writing songs about mountain biking until the pandemic. 

In the midst of social distancing, I had no interpersonal drama. (With rare exceptions -- I had an ex whose new girlfriend was stealing my mail, which was pretty creepy and technically kind of a felony; the same girl stalked my blog and listened to my music, then got all pissy at my ex about things I wrote... He called me one day and said, "Eva, your songs are ruining my love life!" Later, I saw a photo of her on Facebook wearing my clothes... You really can't make this shit up. BUT OTHER THAN THAT!!! Literally zero interpersonal drama.)

I wasn't dating. I wasn't socializing. 

But I was mountain biking. 

During the pandemic, the "drama" in my life consisted of wondering, "Should I adjust my rebound?"

Which is how I got started working on Gnarizona, the working title for my upcoming mountain biking album. At the rate I'm going, it should be out by  December 2025. 

But the first single is out now! 

​Please listen. On repeat. All day, every day. :P 

​It's available on Spotify, Tidal, Apple Music, Youtube, and pretty much and music store or streaming platform you can imagine. 

When you're trying to be creative, it helps to "tie a hand behind your back," in the words of Stanford d.School Professor Tina Seelig. Writing about mountain biking is one way I've done that. 

It's also how I wrote my Halloween song, More Afraid of Men, for which I actually researched the music theory behind what makes a song scary... and "tying a hand behind my back" in that way yielded what's probably the best song I've written. 

It's so scary, sometimes it makes men's penises fall off! 

Because it's SO scary when women talk about male violence against women. 

While you're listening, be sure to check out my second newest single, I Wrote My Number On His Hand, a duet I recorded with the amazing country musician and producer, Patrick B. Ray. 

Like, comment, share, playlist -- do all the things. Because I love this music, and I want you to love it, too!​

As anyone who follows my blog or Facebook knows, the two posts that consistently get the most views per month are 

What Men Don't Understand When They Complain, "It's Only Creepy If The Guy Isn't Hot

and

"Creepy" Isn't About Attractiveness. It's About Reciprocity.

Due to these posts, I get a handful of private notes and comments thanking me for my encouragement and advice (some formerly creepy guys even have girlfriends now!)... and dozens of butthurt, defensive incels who are mad that I'd give them some basic advice about how to not come across as creepy. 

After receiving maybe the 100th comment from a man who claims he's determined that no woman will ever find him attractive, so he's just going to give up, I decided to make a post out of the reply I have to keep typing. 

Here's my reply:

​Doug, there are 4 billion women on this planet. Surely there are at least a handful who would love you.

The developmental feedback I can give you is limited, because I don't actually know you. But here is what I know:

Women love confidence. It's not about cockiness and arrogance and dickheadedness (see also: Girls Don't Like Guys BECAUSE They're Jerks. They Like Them DESPITE Being Jerks).

It's about autonomy and agency. From an evolutionary perspective, confidence mens that you know you can shape and influence the world around you, whether to protect a pregnant partner or keep her fed and nourished while she is breastfeeding her baby or figure out a way to keep your family alive during a famine.

Next, you need to learn find an evidence-based therapist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy, and who is willing to call you out on your shit. 

Don't just randomly pick a therapist, because there are a lot of bad ones out there. Before or at your first meeting, tell the therapist that you are not interested in regurgitating childhood trauma or whatever Freudian bullshit, but that you want to actively come up with strategies to recognize and change dysfunctional social behaviors.

Remember: if you can't get a date and women are calling you creepy, you are obviously doing things wrong, and it would be helpful to have someone help you figure out what.

One thing to keep in mind: if you're struggling with depression and the therapist recommends SSRIs, you need to have a serious discussion about whether this is the best option for you. SSRIs can kill your sex drive and cause sexual dysfunction, which is obviously going to mess up your motivation and willingness to date. 

Another book you will find very useful is Byron Katie's Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.

Katie lays out several strategies for cognitively reframing negative thoughts and finding the person you could be without these toxic and untrue beliefs. 

If you're already mad. If you're already disagreeing with me. If you already know that none of this advice will help you...

That is why you are repulsive to women. 

You are helpless. You are unwilling to grow and improve. 

And there is no reason any woman should expect this part of you to magically change just because she started dating you. 

You need to take accountability for your own mistakes and growth. 

Or nothing will ever change for you and you will always be alone.