The Happy Talent
  • Blog
  • About
  • Popular
  • Education
  • Social Science
  • Travel
  • Products
  • Contact
"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

For the Love of God, STOP Asking People If They're Okay! (Ask This Instead.)

7/21/2015

27 Comments

 
 When I first joined Quora back in 2010, I was asked to create a brief profile. Here is what I wrote:
Picture
I'm an athlete, a play expert and a content marketer. The nicest thing I've ever done is let a kid who was missing an arm carry his own suitcase. I guess you could say my "thing" is empowerment. Read more at http://www.thehappytalent.com.
Several people have asked me about the suitcase thing, and I thought it deserved an explanation -- after all, empowerment is something I've always been passionate about. 

Well... maybe not always. It's something I started thinking about seriously in 2008, when I took a class called Interpersonal Basis for Abnormal Psychology with Professor Len Horowitz. If I had to summarize ten weeks of learning in a paragraph, it would be this one:
All of human interaction can be graphed on an X-Y axis, where X is communion (actions that show caring and bring us closer to others) and Y is agency (actions that establish power or authority.  During social interactions, the behavior of one person invites complementary behavior from the other person -- or else there is tension in their system. If I do/say something that is high in agency, the complementary response will be low in agency -- we can't both be the authority. Meanwhile, if I do something high in communion, the complementary response would also be high in communion -- we like people who like us, and it hurts to be rejected. 
Picture
It looks something like this.
This research is super interesting -- and a little problematic. Because, by interesting coincidence, human depression tends to manifest itself in one of two ways: feelings of disconnection/low communion (e.g., "I'm lonely," "No one loves me," I don't have a single friend that I can confide in," etc.) and  feelings of helplessness/low agency (e.g., "I feel helpless," "I feel worthless," "It's hard to get out of bed in the morning," etc.).
Picture
threewordphrase.com
This leads us to The Dilemma of the Depressed Person.

Say you've got a friend who tells you they're feeling depressed. You care, and you want to help. So the next time you see them, you say, "Sweetie, how are you?" "Are you okay?" Where do these questions fall on Horowitz's X-Y graph? Well, on the one hand, they are high in communion, because you are showing that you care about your friend. But on the other, they are also high in agency -- basically what you're saying is, "I'm okay and you're not, so let me help you."

There's, like, a 50% chance that your friend is struggling with feelings of low communion, and your actions will make them feel good. "Look!" they'll think, "Someone cares about me, after all."

But there's also a 50-ish% chance that your friend is struggling with feelings of low agency -- and your high-agency questions force them to make a choice: a high-agency response, which, as I mentioned, causes tension ("I'm FINE -- WHY do you ask?" "Of COURSE I'm fine." "Bug off!")... or a low-agency response, which is demoralizing! And the complete opposite of what they need. 
Likewise, many well-meaning friends, family members and partners try to offer their depressed relation advice. "Snap out of it!" "You should try getting more exercise -- that helps me when I'm feeling blue!" "Try eating healthier foods!"

This, too, is demoralizing. Rather than expressing sympathy and understanding, you're basically saying, "The problem is that you don't know how to take care of yourself. So I will tell you how to take care of yourself." Which is obviously very high in agency. Not to mention, as this comic so beautifully illustrates:
Picture
If you've never been depressed, and you are giving advice to a depressed person, THIS is probably what you sound like.

***

Learning about the Dilemma of the Depressed Person made me angry and concerned about the way we "help" depressed people in our society...

But then I got to thinking. What about other groups of "disempowered" people? For example, people with disabilities? Sexual assault victims?  Negatively stereotyped minorities? 

About two seconds of research revealed that, yes. These people are regularly on the receiving end of high-agency behavior. It is shocking, and a little sad, that the United Spinal Association has to explicitly say, 
Ask before you help
Just because someone has a disability, don’t assume she needs help. Adults with disabilities want to be treated as independent people. Offer assistance only if the person appears to need it. A person with a disability will often communicate when she needs help. And if she does want help, ask how before you act.

Be sensitive about physical contact
Some people with disabilities depend on their arms for balance. Grabbing them, even if your intention is to assist, could knock them off balance. Avoid patting a person on the head or touching his wheelchair, scooter or cane. People with disabilities consider their equipment part of their personal space.

Don’t make assumptions
People with disabilities are the best judge of what they can or cannot do. Don’t make decisions for them about participating in any activity. 

It's shocking, and a little sad, that we need to have a special #EndTheAwkward campaign to teach people to treat people with disabilities like people.

But I guess it's not that shocking. I see it all the time. For example, that time I let a boy with only one arm carry his own suitcase. Pretty much everyone who witnessed this called me a terrible person afterwards.

"Why didn't you help the poor boy? He only has one arm!"
"How could you be so heartless?"
"Would it have killed you to carry his suitcase for him?"

No. It wouldn't have killed me. But it would have killed him. Just a little. On the inside. 

Think about it this way. This boy had been born a certain way. His whole life, he'd only had one arm. And, being able-bodied in so many other ways, he learned how to compensate and operate independently. And, certainly, he'd learned to ask for help when he needed it. So what message would I have sent if I had just assumed he wanted/needed my help?

"I don't think you can do it."
"You're helpless."
"You're different from me."
"I don't see a person. I see a disabled person."

Again, it's pretty demoralizing, isn't it?

But wait! I thought to myself. This isn't exclusive to people with visible disabilities. It happens... to me! All the time. 

In fact, it happened last night. 

I was at the gym, playing basketball. Now, keep in mind, I'm 6'0, 165 pounds, and I've been playing ball since I was five. I was a Boston Globe All-Star, an MVP and a DI athlete. I did Class-III rapids my first day of whitewater kayaking last weekend, and a few days later, I biked 73 miles around Lake Tahoe. (It was probably my fifth bike ride ever, and my first ever longer-than-40-mile ride.) I might decide to up and run a marathon someday, just 'cause whatever. 

In other words, I'm taller, stronger and more athletic than the average man. I've got abs that look like this:
Picture
Clearly, even I was amazed... #ChooseBeautiful #BeachCamping
So we've shot our 3's and picked our teams, and one of the guys on my team has strong-ish looking arms, and a belly that looks a little like this:
Picture
He approaches another dude on the team, turns his back to me, and begins discussing... who I should guard. 

Comparing my height/weight/skill level to those of the others on my team -- and the opposing team -- it was obvious who I should guard. So I interrupted.

"I want the guy in the black shirt."

Keg Belly smiled sweetly and said, "Him? No! You need someone who isn't going to muscle you around."

"Are you kidding? I guarantee that I could muscle the fuck out of you," I answered. "So why do you think I need to be treated like a delicate little flower?" I may have also said something along the lines of how rude and sexist he was... And scoffed at him every time he got scored on by his man, who certainly wasn't having trouble muscling Keg Belly around.

Likewise, when I play basketball with men, and men fall down, the game goes on like nothing happened. But, often, when I fall down -- everything stops. Men look shocked and horrified. They run to my aid to ask if I'm okay. I used to say something pretty rude when they did that. But now, I just say, "Of course -- why wouldn't  I be?" (Which, you know, if not the complementary response, and causes tension in our system. But, as I've said before, it's important to #BeRude sometimes.)
Picture
It's never fun to be talked down to. It's never fun to have your independence, autonomy, hard work or abilities doubted. It's never fun to feel different, discriminated against, or less than. People who are disabled, depressed, Black, Asian, female, and a whole list of other things have to deal with this every. Single. Day. 

And when you give people unsolicited advice, there is a large chance that that is what you're doing -- perhaps to someone you care about.

Which is completely stupid! Because, for all you know, you're a Keg Belly talking to a Six Pack. 

*** 

The other thing about the horrible, "Are you okay?" question is that... it can be really inconsiderate and uncomfortable for the person you're asking. Like, I play ball, it's inconsiderate because it's like you're telling me I'm not as fast or strong or good as you.

But when you ask it to someone who's actually struggling through something, like depression or a sexual assault... You're kind of bringing up something they might rather not talk about. Someone recently posted on r/depression, Does anyone else hate being asked , "Are you okay?" Users commented, 
Picture
Picture
Basically, users appreciate the communion aspect (e.g., "It might me feel like someone cares," "I really love that people care about me and it makes me feel good,")... but the question is still largely uncomfortable for them. Either because they're not that close to you, and they feel like they're "supposed" to say they're fine; they are that close to you, but talking about their problems is a total major trigger for them; or they're embarrassed that they feel like they do, and would rather not share. 

Which... makes sense. You wouldn't ask someone you didn't know that well, "Hey, how did your colonoscopy go? Are you okay?" "Hey, how's the new birth control working out for you? Is everything okay?" So why inquire about an equally sensitive mental health issue? Or an extremely personal matter?

It makes sense because there's all this demand for "trigger warnings" on books, movies and news articles online... yet we mindlessly ask people we love how their personal struggles are going. You know that good mood they might have been in when you asked that? Yeah, it's gone. Out the window. 

It makes sense because there are so many better things you could be asking them. Questions that remind them that, just because they're struggling now, they're totally hanging in there and doing fine. Questions that show them you know they can do it. Questions that reassure them that they are still the person they used to be, and you totally still see them that way. 

Questions that remind them that they still have agency, independence, and autonomy. But that you care, and are totally ready to support them, if and when they need it. 
Questions (and, I guess, statements) like:

  • How's it going?
  • What're you working on these days?
  • Let's catch up soon -- like really catch up. What's your schedule look like this week?
  • You've always been really good at ___. Can I pick your brain for a project I've been working on?
  • You're an important friend to me. 
  • If you ever need anything, let me know! You were totally there for me that time when _____. 
  • Wanna go for a walk? I'd love to get outside for a bit today! We can talk about whatever. Or we can just listen to the birds.
  • I'm pretty much going to sit at my house alone and watch Netflix tonight. I'd love it if you'd sit with me. Or we can go to your place -- you have that awesome couch! 
  • Can I get some advice about _____? 
  • You look great today! 
  • It's SO GREAT to see you! 
  • Seeing you always makes my day! 
  • I was JUST thinking about you! Remember that time we ________!? 
  • Get over here and give me a huge hug!! (you know, if that's appropriate in the context of your relationship)
  • I saw that you accomplished _____. Way to go! 
  • I've been on this thing lately where I've been asking people, "What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?" What's yours?
  • This is sort of random -- but what are three things about yourself that are important to you?

To be perfectly honest, I haven't done an experiment to see if these questions have a better effect on a depressed person's mood or long-term well-being. So I guess it would be a little unscientific to say these questions are any better than, "Are you okay?"

BUT. Let's be real. Whoever you're talking to, anywhere in the world, each of these questions is better, more personal, and more interesting than some generic, scripted question like, "Are you okay?" I mean, if that's all you've got, why don't you just delete your default SMS app and replace it with Yo?

I haven't tested this, either, but I would daresay that people who used a mindful, thoughtful greeting like the ones above would probably also be seen as warmer and more charismatic. (Remember: charisma is a science, not an art.) So... get mindful. Be a better conversationalist. Treat people like people, and ask better questions. 

Do you have a greeting/question you use to get a conversation going? Share it in the comments, below! 
27 Comments
Matthew Gordon link
10/6/2015 11:29:50 am

Hi! First things first, I found your site through Quora. Social networking actually does work, it would appear.

Sorry for the novella-length nature of this response in advance.

---

I see a lot of this the same way you do. I hate when people do things for me, and I try not to push unwanted help. It can be difficult because my family and girlfriend's family don't usually see things the same way.

For me, as I imagine it might be for you, the best feeling is having accomplished something. Unwanted help can take away from that accomplishment a bit, to the point that in a lot of situations, I call it "credit stealing". I'll view something like, let's say, lifting a (small) desk up a flight of stairs to be a test of my willpower and endurance, and it's just not the same if I can't do it alone. Oh, so *we* did it now, even if I didn't want your help? and so on. Even if I loathe lifting that desk in the moment, the feeling of victory I get after that task is done might be my high point of the day. It's probably behind the men not asking for directions stereotype, but hey, autonomy feels great.

What I do if someone appears to need help is the following.
ME: "Do you want help with that?"
THEM: "No."
ME: "Are you sure?"
THEM: "Yes."
Conversation ends, person gets no help. After all, the person said twice consecutively that s/he doesn't want it. I'm not going to interpret that person's refusals as social graces to show understanding of the trouble I'd experience. It's obviously not too much trouble - otherwise I wouldn't have offered!

---

As far as asking if people are okay, I think it all depends on the intent, the relationship and the situation. I'm not well versed in the psychology of this (my little psychology training is I/O). What I've found is:

(1) Do you actually care if the person's okay? If not, don't ask.
(2) Is there a history of the person telling you his/her troubles? If so, I'll ask if the person's okay as a precursor to other questions like "What was one of the highlights of your day?" or "What are you finding difficult right now?" to show that I'm interested in the person as a person.
(3) As you mentioned, tailoring things to the situation is a good idea. I really like asking about what people are doing, which I do basically everywhere unless there's some express social reason not to do so. More personal stuff can wait.

As for "you look great today!", good picture. I have never had that level of six-pack. I'm amazed too!

---

Where we differ is I'm not a huge fan of going on rants at people in basketball leagues about how rude, sexist, etc. they are. I'd rather just kick their asses on the court.

I'm 5'10" 165, so about your size but a little shorter, and back in my oh-so-long-ago playing days, I would have seen you and thought "okay, this player's about 6 feet and looks pretty athletic". All your cycling means you're probably a better leaper than I am, so I'd use my (probably?) broader shoulders to put my back into you on the glass and try to get you off-balance so you can't get up to the ball. That said, thinner, speedier players get around stockier players all the time (think Kevin Garnett getting around Karl Malone here). Whether Keg Belly is or is not sexist, you'd know better than me because you've met him and I haven't. I can see the regardless-of-gender worry of a thinner player getting muscled around by a heavier player, but the thinner player has won those matchups tons of times. As for everyone stopping slack-jawed whenever you fall on the floor, I imagine you're very good at taking charges.

I feel for the guy who forgot his basketball shorts and is wearing jeans on the court. That must get uncomfortably hot in a hurry.

---

I'll finish with one of my few (nearly) hard and fast rules I live by: "Never give unsolicited advice." It's patronizing, it's rarely heeded, and it usually just makes the person you're talking to like you less. People can live their own lives. That said, the few times I do give unsolicited advice, I emphasize why I'm giving the advice and that this is a one-in-a-thousand thing. Sometimes, unsolicited advice needs to be given. That sometimes is pretty rare, I find.

Reply
Caitlin Coleman
4/19/2016 07:22:53 am

Thankyou for this. I have been looking for a way to explain this to my mother and this has really helped :) xoooox

Reply
Carlie
7/4/2016 12:09:18 pm

Good advice. I had a pretty rough childhood with a bipolar father so, as a person who's always afraid of the sudden and seemingly random outbursts of an important figure, I am always asking my fiancee if he's okay. I know it irritates him but its like a compulsive thing, I don't even know I'm saying it! I will try to use your suggested conversation methods. Wish me luck

Reply
jonel
12/16/2016 06:22:22 am

God bless buddy

Reply
Evan link
7/14/2016 02:26:50 pm

i agree i don't like being asked if i'm okay all the time either!

Reply
Kauren Prints
10/25/2016 12:05:46 pm

Thank you so much for this great article! I would like to go on a campaign of teaching people how to more construstively satisfy their need to show concern for someone else's well being. Because that's what it is right, their own need to show concern.

In any case, a little anectode: I once relocated from my hometown in a major city to a small rural town. I already had bouts with depression but I dealt with some extremely depressing times without a lot of friends in this new environment. When I reflect back to those days, I am so thankful that my co-workers never bugged me with the "are you okay" question. I clearly had days when I was totally not okay. I am so thankful that they just treated me the same way they always did. I think they all knew that nothing helpful would come of them questioning me.

Now I am in a major city again and have had a rough time recently. Everyone from certain co-workers, to the newspaper delivery man, to the sandwhich maker asks me if I am okay. I mean, they try to sit and down and look me in the eyes and penetrate me and wait for me to open up. They withhold the newspaper until I give them an actual answer. This behavior literally makes me want to break down. All I want to do is get through my day. There are a million less intense, invasive, and more effective ways of showing me you care.

I am not sure how, but I would like to teach these people how to go from "are you okay," to "hey what's new!?" I want to show them how to go from "tell me what's on your mind" to "do you want to grab some coffee?" I want them to understand that "are you okay" should just be eliminated from their repoitoire. Any tips on good ways of doing this would be great! I kind of got into a little fight with a friend (and my Mom too) because he said "are uS okay" and I tried to tell him why that question bugged me. They don't get it. So telling people directly is probably not the best way of teaching them these alternatives.

Reply
Henry James Archer
11/10/2016 08:02:41 am

Thank you for posting this wonderful and most helpful guide on why asking people if the are O.K. is not O.K... Very helpful! :)

Reply
Denise
1/27/2017 06:30:20 am

Thank you for this. I have struggled for years with feeling "invaded" by my mom's constant questions about "how are you doing?" Especially if there is anything even slightly wrong (like I have a cold), I'll often get multiple phone calls/texts a day asking how I'm feeling. I realize she is doing this because she cares, but it is SO irritating. I'm trying to understand why I respond this way to something that is obviously being done because she cares. And yes, there is often (and historically) a TON of unsolicited advice involved (and the more intimate details she knows, the more advice she'll have and more opinions she'll share), which I know is a lurking trigger for me.

Reply
julia
12/18/2017 06:28:45 pm

omg thank you for this, I was about to ask that, (I'm sorry we only do it out of ignorance) but before I did I questioned myself if it was apropiate or not, then I searched n got here. but I don't actually know this person and it seems that is very depressed n lonely and I feel I can't do anything about it.

Reply
Valeria
2/6/2018 01:34:45 pm

Thank you. I unfortunately read this only after daring to ask for the first time. And I am really sorry I did not find this sooner.
It is really out of ignorance, and perhaps because I love to be asked, assuming others care, and only bother to ask when I do care.

Reply
Zeph
5/19/2018 12:33:01 pm

I have strong reservations about conceiving "agency" as a zero-sum game, where one person can only have agency at the cost of reducing somebody else's. That strikes me as a particularly dominator culture framing. I am most comfortably around people who are (usually) high in their own agency and respect mine.

I'm also not sensitive about being asked "are you OK?". Doesn't bother me, doesn't happen too often. So I don't inherently "get" why it upsets you so strongly.

AND - that's the value for me in this series of your posts - getting an insight into a particular set of personalities different than my own (and different than many people I know). Absent that, I could slip into unconsciously expecting most people to react as I would to such questions.

Alas, you seem to make the same mistake, assuming that sensitivity on that score is universal (and defines a socially normative standard of rudeness). I would suggest that you listen not only to those who are wired as you are, but also learn that there are many people who differ in regard to reactions or (or intent of) "are you OK?". I'd like to suggest that your intuitions and judgments about what motivates them may be as misguided as mine about your psychology would be if I continued to assume everyone was wired like me in this area. (Again, I thank you for helping me understand your different emotional wiring, and that of those who resonate with it).

There's room for two way learning on this, if you can tone down the self righteousness in favor of owning this as your own preferences rather than a universal moral imperative.

(AND I will admit that I'm in the midst of "The Righteous Mind" and seeing your repeated and passionate "moral judgments" of people who ask such questions in that light. Emotion and judgment come first, then the mind rationalizes it specifically in order to enlist moral ratification by others of like mind. I see this series of elaborate and well written posts on the subject as almost a textbook case of what Jonathan Haidt describes, albeit sympathetically and not from any superior position because we all do it; and at least you rationalize very eloquently and with references).

warmly

Reply
Zeph
5/19/2018 12:39:47 pm

I want to add that it's pretty obvious in reading some of the responses that (1) there are other people who react as you do and who are grateful to have you express their viewpoint so well, and (2) they are just as clueless about people who are wired differently, as those people are about them!

This is NOT a one way lack of understanding. It's about two (or more) subsets of people not sharing the same preferences, and finding fault with others because of the assumptions they make.

One approach is to try to change everyone else - try to educate the rest of the world on the proper way to do things, making them wrong if they do not. Another might be to try to understand it from their viewpoint was well, and seek some mutually respectful way to navigate in a world of differences.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
5/25/2018 11:19:54 am

> I'm also not sensitive about being asked "are you OK?". Doesn't bother me, doesn't happen too often. So I don't inherently "get" why it upsets you so strongly.

I think probably the "doesn't bother me" and the "doesn't happen too often" concepts may be connected. Imagine being asked that all the time, as would be the case if you were part of any of the groups mentioned in this article (depressed people, disabled people, women in male-dominated fields, etc.)

> Alas, you seem to make the same mistake, assuming that sensitivity on that score is universal (and defines a socially normative standard of rudeness).

This article was written specifically with people who are in disempowered positions in mind. It even says so in the text. People who would be asked this all the time. It's kind of like how it wouldn't bother me if someone asked to touch my hair, but if I were black, it probably would, since people would do it all the time, with and without my consent.

But I think plenty of people would be annoyed by being asked "ask you okay" when they clearly were. "Are you okay" is a shitty and rude conversation starter, unless, perhaps, you're in the UK, and someone says, "Alright, Harry?"

> Emotion and judgment come first, then the mind rationalizes it specifically in order to enlist moral ratification by others of like mind.

Cute, but I actually didn't have much of an opinion on the issue until I read Horowitz's work on it. Though I would say that my intuition about not touching and babying disabled people was right-on -- I didn't read the United Spinal Association's recommendations until after I'd formed my own internal guidelines ("treat them like a normal and capable person unless they ask for help with something").

Reply
Wow
7/31/2018 12:41:34 pm

Wow. The author sounds like an exhausting person to be around.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
8/3/2018 02:45:22 pm

I can be. It depends on whether you like to turn off your brain and body and just watch TV all day... or always be thinking and exploring and creating and having fun. :)

See also:

3 Reasons I Don't Do "Date Night" - http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/3-reasons-why-i-dont-do-date-night


Why You Should Drop Everything and Chase the Moon (Literally) -- http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/why-you-should-drop-everything-and-chase-the-moon-literally


Life Hack: Do What You Do When You Travel While You're At Home --
http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/life-hack-do-what-you-do-when-you-travel-while-youre-at-home

Reply
Taurie Hackemer
7/6/2019 11:34:37 am

You seem like a really caring and thoughtful individual and I would love to be your friend. Are you located anywhere in or around Northern CA, permanently? I saw one article where you mentioned Tahoe, but not sure if it was a trip you took, or you do live around here.

If that's not a possibility then I will just reply with saying your article really helped me grapple with an occurrence of my own during an Italian class I take. A man actually randomly asked me if I was okay before beginning group work together, and it really threw off my mental and emotional stability for the rest of the night and the following day actually, because like you mentioned, I was perfectly okay, if anything just tired, but that question immediately triggered a lot of negative emotions. Also I should mention, the man is gay, which actually confused me a lot more and unsure of what his intentions were exponentially more.

Reason beings:

1. I do not know him well at all, nor him me, so for such an intimate question, if asked genuinely, would seem inappropriate, and if it wasn't genuine, then the question was almost insulting, hinting at some sort of malfunction in the way I presented myself in the moments leading up to him asking--and that's insulting. Because like you mention in this amazing article, its like he's insinuating he's in a higher, more stable position than me, which is degrading and does not produce positive feelings at all.

2. Obviously life is life, and everyone is doing their best with what life throws at them, and for some people, happiness is an everyday struggle, and I've have bouts of this instability during my life, but right now I am pretty stably, uneventfully or undramatically happy. Just content would more be the word if that makes sense. So this question, if not asked in a genuine, caring, appropriate way or in the appropriate place, can really make people start to think of all the reasons that they wouldn't or shouldn't be okay--maybe to think about why this person would possibly ask them that question out of nowhere? And how would that do anything good at all? Like...come on people.

And in other occasions of this happening, I had better means of grappling with it, because I could make myself feel better by saying that person was insensitive to people who suffer from depression, or to women, or a number of things. But this man was gay man, so I really struggled with his motives and intentions--like out of all people, it would seem that those suffering with similar struggles in this country and world would be more sensitive to emotional and mental struggles you know, so I was actually especially hurt at the occasion which made my recovery process two-folds longer.

But your article covered SO MUCH! It really did, where I was able to piece together pieces of information to make sense of my situation, and at least feel at peace enough to fall asleep that night, so... Thank you!!! It was an awesome article, with well worded information backed up by science, and specific personal examples, and it was just also just really well written. So good job and I can't wait to get around to reading some of your other posts soon.

All the best to you!

Reply
A secure person link
2/24/2020 07:57:33 am

Wow. What an insecure person you are.

What’s the matter. Do you not like it when someone who asks if you’re okay makes you feel insecure?

Are you scared they will see through your soul and know you’re lying if you say yes, I’m fine.

We’re you not allowed to show vulnerability around your parents?

Stop CHOOSING to take offence to something that had no offence intended.

“If an act makes you feel insecure. It’s not the act that did it. It’s something inside of you. A repressed memory, that needs addressing”

Cheer up love. It ain’t all doom and gloom.

Some people like to know if somebody is okay because it makes them feel a bit better about their hardships. They like to see people smile. It reminds them it ain’t that bad.

Check yourself.

You seem like you don’t have many friends.

You may know a lot of people. But not many friends.

Not real ones who truly care anyway.

They wouldn’t want to be around your attitude.

Bye.

Reply
Hahaha
2/24/2020 06:51:10 pm

We’re you in my Italian class or something?? Because you sure as hell seem insulted by what I had to say!! So maybe you should take your own advice and “choose to not be offended.” By the way, the way you write is extremely creepy and I was weirded out the whole time I was reading it. Work on your English and syntax cause it just reads like you have some major issues going on. Anyways all the luck to you dearie!

Reply
P. II
2/24/2020 06:53:06 pm

Also anyone who labels themself a “secure person,” as their name, is most definitely not, a secure person, LOL.

Reply
Tracey
2/24/2020 08:05:38 am

This resonates with me, I have spent hours trying to figure out why I find the “are you ok?” question so annoying even offensive at times. This question can lead me to stop communicating altogether with a person and boil inside, even with people I have been open with leading up to the the fussy “are you ok? Question came up. It’s as if I don’t mind telling you what’s going on with me because I decided to tell you but don’t dare ask...isn’t it obvious I’m ok? Or isn’t it obvious I don’t want to share my thoughts with you? Because if I did want to share I’d share!! Yesterday I wanted to tell you all about my woes today I don’t! How dare you invade!
It’s confusing for people I confuse and hurt people with this..
I find that because I am a relatively open person that wears my heart on my sleeve in general that when friends or family do ask “are you ok?” And don’t get the expected response (me opening up and gushing out all the woes that they can save me from) they either get pushy or paranoid, which then leads to the “have I upset you?” Question .. which is EVEN HARDER TO EXPLAIN! ..I then become ever more frustrated with them and act even more weird or cold....I have not found a way to explain it rationally to anyone so far including myself! most of the time...I fire a super fast “I’m fine” remove myself from the conversation and find a safe place to scream.... this piece has helped! It’s a relief to know at least I am not alone

Reply
Just a person link
2/24/2020 05:36:30 pm

You are absolutely 100% somebody who has been hurt a lot in the past. You should address your memories.

We’re you never allowed to be okay at some point?

Or, you’re like me and you’re autistic haha. Because you don’t seem to process emotions properly.

I’m the other end of the scale. I like to hear people be nice and see them smile.

You should really address a few things.

You seem like you’re in pain.

Reply
Periwinkle
7/30/2020 08:11:38 am

If you think you're being helpful (which you're not, btw) at least don't be so condescending. You seem like you have a superiority complex.

Eva Glasrud link
8/2/2020 01:40:16 pm

Periwinkle -- "Just a person" isn't trying to be helpful. He sounds like he's trying to feel good about himself by making little "tee hee!" statements, and condescension may be one of only ways he can feel smart. I would have said something myself if I'd noticed this comment when he posted it. Thanks for calling out the rudeness.

Tracey --

>> "they either get pushy or paranoid, which then leads to the “have I upset you?” Question..."

UGH HOW ANNOYING! Yes, it's always good to know we aren't alone in feeling this way. Of all the posts I've written, this one often gets randomly popular when picked up by different communities who struggle with the same things you do. It's funny that your struggle is brought on by being an open book -- you'd think the people close to you would know to trust you when you say nothing's wrong, because they should know you will tell them everything WHEN you feel like it.

Glad you found this helpful :)

Reply
Flying with Anne link
12/5/2020 07:52:09 pm

Nice blog you have, thanks for posting

Reply
Erdaberda
1/30/2023 02:16:46 pm

As a person living with chronic pain, I hate the question “Are you ok??” No, kid, no, I’m not. But thanks for reminding me of the fact that I am disabled and you’re not. And, to be fair, the repeat offenders are the ones that really frustrate me. I’ve articulated how I feel so many times, but nothing changes. I shared this article with a friend who can’t help themselves but ask every time I make a sigh, moan, or gasp. I can’t change this person. What can I do to stop being triggered?

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
2/3/2023 05:11:27 pm

It's an obnoxious question, ESPECIALLY coming from someone you've already told how you feel. What I would do is think of some ways you would LIKE to respond in these situations. Mentally rehearse doing it. And then, when push comes to shove, DO it.

I think if you started replying to the question with something that makes people feel uncomfortable like what you already said -- "No, kid, no, I’m not. But thanks for reminding me of the fact that I am disabled and you’re not!" -- or, what I say is, "Why wouldn't I be okay?" And then look them dead in the eye and wait for them to say something. They'll likely be silent for several seconds, and then begin stammering something stupid. Don't make it easier for them. Just stare them down until they have to explain why they are asking and realize for themselves how obnoxious and ableist they're being.

Reply
Emerald
5/21/2023 01:09:10 pm

Dug 98% of this, really useful breakdown that delivers its point well.

However, the reason I'm leaving a comment is because I want to give the feedback that this would have been 100% great if it didn't have the "maybe you're a keg belly talking to a six-pack" rhetoric. Yeah the way that dude behaved toward you was obnoxious and unacceptable, but the body-shaming/fitness elitism was gross, unjustified, irrelevant, and toxic. His "keg belly" was factually not relevant to the nature of the interaction; your choice to involve it and use it as imagery/treat it as evidence about his character speaks volumes about you and superficial judgmental values you hold, rather than saying anything about him. We learn enough about his character and flaws from his behavior towards you. The body-shaming wasn't necessary and it feeds directly into "fat characters are evil-coded/fitness is indicative of character" dogmas, which is straight-up harmful bs ideology.

That part really detracts from the piece, which is otherwise very valuable and worthwhile content.

I'll be sharing this with people for sure, it's a great resource, but it's unfortunate that I'll have to preempt it by warning about the distasteful and potentially triggering body-shaming element in the middle.

I hope this feedback is useful, and I hope that that particular bias/elitism is something you're working on in yourself. By all means, we've all got prejudices like that, I'm not saying it makes you a bad person, I'm just saying it's a bad part (and IMO the only bad part) of the article. Best wishes.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    About the Author
    Picture
    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


    Want to support The Happy Talent? CLICK HERE!
    Support the Happy Talent
    Or Find me on Patreon!
    Picture

    What's Popular on The Happy Talent:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

      Want more?

    Submit

    Trending in Dating and Relationships:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture



    ​What's Popular in Science:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture


    Playfulness and Leisure Skills:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Popular in Psychology and Social Skills:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Categories

    All
    20s
    Adolescence
    Backpacking
    Boredom
    Boredom Avoidance
    Camping
    Career Advice
    Careers
    Communication
    Confidence
    Consent
    Creativity
    Curiosity
    Dating
    Economy
    Education
    Entrepreneurship
    Fearlessness
    Female Travel
    Feminism
    Free Speech
    Gap Year
    Great Products
    Growth Mindset
    Health
    Hiking
    Hitchhiking
    Life Advice
    Meeting New People
    Mental Health
    Mexico
    Mindfulness
    Most Popular
    National Parks
    Outdoors
    Parenting
    Parenting Advice
    Passive Entertainment
    Play
    Playfulness
    Psychology
    Relationships
    Resilience
    Science
    Scuba Diving
    Self Help
    Self-help
    Sex
    Sports
    Stanford University
    Startups
    Study Abroad
    Summer
    Technology
    Teenagers
    Therapy
    Travel
    Yosemite

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos from paweesit, Steven Penton, torbakhopper, Theo Crazzolara, edenpictures, Kiwi Tom, Wrangell-St. Elias National Park, Homedust, wocintechchat.com, Ralphman, wbaiv, kg.abhi, Jamiecat *, UnitedWarVeterans, D()MENICK, True Portraits, Neville Wootton Photography, Salvation Army USA West, South African Tourism, phalinn, WilliamsProjects, j_bary, Japanexperterna.se, thephotographymuse, Elvert Barnes, ThoroughlyReviewed, hairy:jacques, joncutrer, wuestenigel, Franck_Michel, jimwerner25, Imahinasyon Photography, joanne clifford, m01229, Antonio Campoy Ederra, Our Dream Photography (Personal), shixart1985, davidstewartgets, couples in nature, Dage - Looking For Europe, jonseidman, andymw91, garryknight, wuestenigel, Rosmarie Voegtli, werner.philipps, Gage Skidmore, Novafly, dinuxm1, Eddie Yip, Prayitno / Thank you for (10 millions +) views, DMahendra, James_Seattle, jamkablam, vanitystudiosphotography, verchmarco (CC BY 2.0), Luiz Gustavo Leme, oki_jappo, Daquella manera, CasparGirl, Mary Anne Morgan, inkknife_2000 (10.5 million + views), homethods, wocintechchat, Hypnotica Studios Infinite, dailyrectangle, Tobyotter, torbakhopper, Kevin Johnston, David Robb, eisenberg_emily, True Portraits, Douglas Pimentel, pmarkham, Noize Photography, rawdonfox, dollen, davidstewartgets, ed and eddie, Ryosuke Yagi, Anthony_Greene, Ruth and Dave, best couples, Jenn Durfey, Cost3l, Orin Zebest, anjanettew, dollen, Editor B, Alexander Day, LyndaSanchez, polosopuestosblog, UpSticksNGo, Agência Brasil, homethods, Find Rehab Centers, Novafly, Deornelas4, buzzern, seefit, C. VanHook (vanhookc), University of Delaware Alumni Relations, Franck_Michel, gordontarpley, Chris Photography(王權), usadifranci, virgohobbs, TheUglySweaterShop, popofatticus, wuestenigel (CC BY 2.0), Mitya Ku, Stefano Montagner - The life around me, Official U.S. Navy Imagery, xxxology, Valentina (GaiaPhotography), True Portraits, Lars Plougmann, Scioto Photos, Carlos ZGZ, quinn.anya, anokarina, amtecstaffing, mliu92, sfbaywalk, MakaiylaW, jerseytom55, Ray in Manila, BoldContent, stevenbates, Janitors, True Portraits, dwhartwig, Kuruman, sffoghorn, liveoncelivewild, mripp, Magdalena Roeseler, Tambako the Jaguar, Barbro Andersen, cbcmemberphotos2477, dejankrsmanovic, weeklydig, Free For Commercial Use (FFC), Sharon C Johnson, Phuketian.S, WeTravel.com, Gunn Shots (On and off these days), valentin hintikka, homethods, JasonParis, kennethkonica, Gregg Vandenberghe, Alyssa L. Miller, theblacknemesis, jdlasica, verchmarco, lizbennington, Artem Beliaikin, best couples, Tony Webster, Infomastern, www.audio-luci-store.it, Our Dream Photography (Personal), LandBetweentheLakesKYTN, KRWonders, donnierayjones, tristendomusic, [email protected], ::ErWin, cnu_sports, gagilas, euthman, ierdnall, jeffreyw, liveoncelivewild, melan.cholerikerin, Artur Malinowski, blachswan, szwerink, wuestenigel, Foodista, toptenalternatives, Cubmundo, Kirt Edblom, Glenn Loos-Austin, wuestenigel, eleonoralbasi, wuestenigel, LyndaSanchez, gagilas, torbakhopper, Gage Skidmore, irio.jyske, LyndaSanchez, Theo Crazzolara, garryknight, kennethkonica, rentalrealities
  • Blog
  • About
  • Popular
  • Education
  • Social Science
  • Travel
  • Products
  • Contact