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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

I Judge Guys Who Ask Me Out For Coffee

10/22/2015

12 Comments

 
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Time is the most precious and irreplaceable thing in life, so I'm going to cut straight to the point:

I judge guys who ask me out for coffee. 

As a blogger, business owner, content marketing consultant, and creator (ask me about the super cool side-projects I've been working on!), I have very little free time. In spite of being busy, though, I don't let busy-ness consume my life. No matter how much work I've got piled up, I always make time to play basketball or rock climb during the week, and go surfing, whitewater kayaking or backpacking on the weekends. (In fact, the best productivity hack in the whole world is to make weekend plans, and never, ever EVER set a Monday deadline.)
Or, at the very least, I like to attend talks about dark matter or woolly mammoths, sing my heart out at karaoke, or skateboard around the neighborhood with my Snoofer Dog.

The way I see it, I have 52 Saturdays per year. I have 52 Wednesday lunches and 52 Thursday Happy Hours. That's all. 

If I take time out of my day to see you, to try to get to know you better, it means I am giving you something I can never have back: my afternoon. My evening. My time. So if you suggest doing something boring and interchangeable with you, I judge you. 

It's selfish. It's boring. It's uninspired. 

Coffee is for networking and job interviews. Is that why you've asked me out -- because you want to interview me? Because I spend enough time pitching my ideas and services as it is. I have no desire to continue doing it in my free time.


A first date is a chance for you to show me your best you. It's a chance for you to show me what a life with you could be like. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who would love to drink coffee with you. There are plenty of girls who will stay home and cook you breakfast while you go surfing with your buddies. There are plenty of girls who would rather wear a cute outfit and watch you climb a tree instead of climbing it with you. And when you ask me out for coffee, I can't help but wonder, Is that the sort of girl you're looking for? 

But if (as I suspect, based on the chemistry I felt when we met) you are a fun and considerate guy -- show me! Respect my time. Inspire me! Thrill me to the marrow!

Challenge me to a game of one-on-one! (I'll probably suggest 3s or 5s instead, but I'll still be impressed.) Ride your bike to Buck's with me! Take me to an arcade and try to beat me at PacMan. (You can't.) Give me a sneak peak of what a relationship with you would look like. 

And remember: you can improve your shot at landing a second date and make yourself look way more attractive by sharing an adventure with me. There's this great study about the misattribution of physiological arousal that you have to read, if you haven't already. 

Even if we only have forty-five minutes to get together this afternoon, I'll bet there's still something you can suggest to take my breath away. After all, one of my life mottos is to Reclaim the Fifteen Minutes. When I was in elementary school, all we had was fifteen minutes for recess, and that was enough to line up in a single-file line, walk outside, pick teams, and play a whole game of kickball -- and if we could be that efficient with our time when we were eight, we can definitely still do that now.
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And another of my life mottos is to live like you're traveling. When you're in Chile or China, we think a trip to the grocery store can be an adventure. We're willing to go out of our way to see or try something new -- even something touristy. So... why can't we do that when we're in San Francisco or Palo Alto or Des Moines? Seriously -- why?

So let's do it! Let's light shit on fire. Let's ride skateboards! Let's put our faces in the water or get in a boat together. Or even just hop on a slackline. Because then, even if our date goes horribly and we never want to see each other again... at least we had an amazing little adventure together. 
12 Comments
Curious reader
10/22/2015 11:23:55 pm

Have you considered suggesting a more fun activity? I agree with your point, but suggesting a more fun activity seems more in line with the general message you seem to send here

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
10/23/2015 12:24:44 am

If I like them, I do. But I still judge them if their first suggestion is coffee or a drink. Life's too short.

Reply
Alaka H
10/24/2015 02:57:15 pm

Great post as usual. There's something about coffee dates/hangouts that always bugged me as boring... But you went the extra step and wrote about it so well!

Reply
Max
6/21/2017 02:58:18 am

So why go on them? Suggest something you don't find boring instead... just a suggestion.

Reply
Emi
11/11/2015 09:31:46 am

I beg to differ! I prefer dates where I can have a conversation with my date - so a drink or a meal is fine by me. I go to the arcade and play games with my other basic friends - being able to share a good conversation with someone is special to me.

Reply
GG
3/3/2017 03:37:37 pm

Why don't you mix it up and YOU suggest and lead the date instead of the guy

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
5/9/2017 04:27:58 pm

Who says I don't? The thing is, this post is advice for people who want to initiate better, more interesting dates. Especially given some of the problems Dr. Phillip Zimbardo wrote about in Man Interrupted: Why Today's Young Men Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It (http://amzn.to/1T6XukA), I don't think it's wise to encourage men to passively wait around for women to ask them out. Do you?

Reply
Max
6/21/2017 02:55:35 am

I have to agree with other commenters.

I judge people who complain about an activity, yet insist that the other party do all the activity planning, and I know a lot of guys feel the same way. It really is one of the most off-putting attitudes in dating, expecting the other person to come up with an infinite supply of "fun activities" and complaining or being negative if it's not up your alley, while making zero effort to come up with a better alternative themselves.

Not saying you're like that, but I have had my fair share of that attitude. I guess the good part is that they quickly disqualify themselves from any future dates so I don't need to waste more time or money on them, but still an introspective look at what they themselves are contributing and a more fair attitude would be better.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
6/21/2017 09:59:17 am

Well, obviously, you're not allowed to veto something if you don't have an alternate suggestion. I've struggled with people who need to *be* entertained, too. That's why I want someone I know I won't have to entertain.

The point of this post is to help young men (and, I suppose, women) do better at dating. As I wrote in Playfulness Isn't a Trait. It's a Skill -- And If You're a Millennial, You Probably Never Learned to Play (http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/playfulness-isnt-a-trait-its-a-skill-and-if-youre-a-millennial-you-probably-never-learned-to-play), people who grew up in the high-achieving childhood, passive entertainment geenration tend to have less developed playfulness and leisure skills than adults of previous generations. One of my main goals with this blog is to encourage and facilitate leisure skill development. And if challenging conventional ideas about dating ("ask her for coffee") is one way to do that... that's what I'm going to do.

In fact, I think dating and travel are two of the best times for people to become more playful, because those are the times we're most open to trying new things.

Reply
Susan Erickson
8/19/2019 02:44:53 pm

I so disagree with you! I love a first date as a coffee date. I want to look in someone's eyes, talk, ask questions, get to know this person, and then decide if I want to do more, do crazy, jump on trampolines, etc. Being side by side while playing is one kind of getting-to-know-someone, and talking is another. I want to get to know someone's insides, not their behavior or skills. I do appreciate a cool, hipster coffee shop, someone more interesting than a Starbucks, but I don't need the shiny new penny everyday or when I get to know a new person.

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    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


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