Downward Social Comparison is a Weird but Effective Form of Gratitude

Last Saturday, as I was writing my review of Broadway by the Bay's Into the Woods, an episode of Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History began playing. Within seconds, I was able to summarize the entire episode in a few sentences: 

"They're going to say that Olympic silver medalists feel worse than bronze medalists, because silver medalists upward social compare ('I could have been the best in the world, but I'm not,') and bronze medalists downward social compare ('I'm so happy I got a medal!')."

In case you're interested, here's the episode:

It's a fascinating topic, and one I've blogged about before. In According to Psychology, There Are Four Ways to Feel Better About Yourself. They Are... I wrote:

1. Upward social comparison.

Humans have a drive to gain accurate self-evaluations. We want to be able to compare our abilities and accomplishments to those of others. Upward social comparison is when we compare ourselves to people who are better off than we are.

This can be a source of misery, when done incorrectly (when it makes us feel jealous or inadequate)...

But it can also be a source of inspiration when done correctly. It can be a way for us to find role models and develop strategies for personal growth and improvement.

​I like to use basketball examples, since I love basketball. (See also: Women Rarely Play Ball Sports After High School - Here's Why That Matters.) So here is a basketball example of upward social comparison:

Allen Iverson is an amazing basketball player. And he is exactly the same height as me! He's a lot better than I am at basketball -- but if I work really hard, I can improve an be more like him. (Though I can't say I admire his attitude about practice.)

Or, perhaps, PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi is such a badass, awesome woman! I love her speaking style -- and, if I practice, I can speak with the same confidence and authority as she does...

We all know that role models -- from NBA superstars to teachers and camp counselors -- are important for children. But don't underestimate how important they can be for you, as an adult.

The post continues:

2. Downward social comparison. 

Another way to feel better about yourself is through downward social comparison -- or comparing yourself to people who are worse off than you. 

For example, "I played horribly today! I only scored four points in my best game. But at least I scored more than that guy in the blue shirt -- I've never seen him make more than one basket in a game."

It sounds kind of snarky and unhealthy. And it kind of is. I don't think this is a very appealing way to look at life -- but, actually, research suggests that downward social comparison is the number one best way to feel better about yourself.

For example, a crazy 1985 a study determined whether different women with breast cancer were more likely to upward or downward social compare as a coping strategy. For example:

Upward: Melinda has the same kind of breast cancer as I do, and hers is in remission. That means mine could go into remission, too.

Downward: Kate has the same kind of breast cancer as I do -- and she doesn't even have a husband to support her through this. I'm glad my husband is so supportive.

Intuitively, I would have guessed that the upward social comparers would fare better than the downward ones. But Wood et al. found the opposite.

Women who downward social compared were less likely to show signs of depression... and actually had better health outcomes. Like, they were less likely to be dead. 

Why? 

Because upward and downward social comparisons play different roles. Upward social comparison provides hope and opportunities for social modeling. Downward social comparison helps us avoid self-pity. In a weird way, feeling better than other people is empowering. 

And. Feeling better than others has a physiological effect on our brain, which directly affects our bodies and our emotions about our situation. Feeling powerful (as in, better than someone else) is better than feeling powerless.

Read more >

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But now, with Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, I've come to think of downward social comparison a slightly different way. 

So much to be grateful for! Image: @TheHappyTalent on Instagram.

Not only is it a way to avoid self-pity... 

But it's also a form of gratitude and appreciation.

​Instead of focusing on what you don't have, as you would in upward social comparison, you focus on what you do have, that others don't.

Both forms of social comparison are important, as I discussed in Why You Should Compare Yourself to Others, Like, CONSTANTLY. Identifying people who are better off than you is a good way to set effective goals for self-improvement. 

But feeling grateful for what you already have is something research suggests can help you: 

• Improve your physical health. A 2013 study in Personality and Individual Differences showed adults who scored higher on the Gratitude Questionnaire (GQ-6; McCullough et al., 2002) also experienced fewer aches and pains. They also reported feeling healthier than other people (= downward social comparison). 
• Improve mental health. Gratitude reduces negative emotions, like envy, frustration and regret. Robert Emmons, a leading gratitude scholar and author of Gratitude Works!: A 21-Day Program for Creating Emotional Prosperity, has conducted dozens of studies that show a link between gratitude and well-being. Gratitude, he's found, increases happiness and reduces depression.

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• Make new friends. Saying "thank you" is technically a form of negative politeness, or politeness that's intended to reinforce boundaries, not closeness. But it's also a form of warmth and acknowledgement. Which is why showing appreciation (and becoming a regular, and learning charisma) can help you make friends. A 2015 study in Emotion found that thanking new acquaintances makes them more likely to give their contact information or make an effort to continue the relationship with novel peers.
• Sleep better. A 2011 study in Applied Psychology: Health and Wellbeing found that gratitude was moderately helpful in improving sleep quality in students with persistent problems sleeping because their minds were racing with thoughts and worries. (The study, however, showed no real difference between the gratitude intervention and the constructive worry and imagery distraction interventions.)

It's funny to think of downward social comparison as a form of gratitude. I have a hard time imagining Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology and author of several impactful books, including Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being and Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, proposing that cancer patients go out and find someone worse off than themselves or telling athletes to compare themselves to the worst person on their team...
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But, empirically, it seems to work. 

So maybe, instead of listening to all those feel-good Influencer-types who say not to compare yourself to others, or to focus on the positives, or whatever, are missing the point. 

Maybe this Thanksgiving, if you're having trouble finding things to be grateful for... you could, at the very least, resort to being grateful for what or who you're not. 

Be grateful you're not the worst on your flag football team.

Be grateful you got two weeks to travel this year -- many of your peers didn't get any time off. 

Be grateful that, even though you were one of the worst performers at open mic, at least you have the courage and confidence to try -- unlike most people.

If you struggle with gratitude, despite your greatest efforts, maybe it's time to look into being a better downward social comparer.
 
Want to know more? Check out:

• There is No Benefit to Having Self-Esteem. Here's What Children Should Be Learning, Instead.
• Why It's My Moral Obligation to Ignore Passive Aggression
• The Best Productivity Hack In The Whole World... Is This One.
• Your Significant Other is NOT Your Emotional Slave.
• Playfulness Isn't a Trait. It's a Skill. And If You're a Millennial, You Probably Never Learned to Play.