The Happy Talent
  • Blog
  • About
  • Popular
  • Education
  • Social Science
  • Travel
  • Products
  • Contact
"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

There is No Benefit to Having Self-Esteem. Here's What Children Should Be Learning, Instead.

3/9/2016

11 Comments

 
Brace yourself -- I'm about to show you one of the cutest, most hilarious videos of all time. Ready?
Cool fact: that video is actually a replication of one of the most important psychology studies ever. Walter Mischel's Marshmallow Test measured the responses of three- and four-year-old students who were told they could either have one marshmallow now... or two marshmallows, if they could wait for five minutes. Then they were left alone with the marshmallow.
The immediate results were interesting -- kids who waited were more successful in school, popular with peers and highly-rated by teachers. But that's not what made the study revolutionary -- what made it revolutionary was that Mischel then followed the kids for the next thirty years.
The results? Kids who passed the test were richer as adults. More educated. More likely to be married. More likely to be happy. They scored higher on the SATs. They led healthier lifestyles and had a greater sense of self-worth.

Meanwhile, kids who failed were less likely to have good relationships or be employed. They were, however, more likely to have gone to jail.

Mischel elaborates on some of this research -- and how both children and adults can master self regulation -- in his highly acclaimed book, The Marshmallow Test: Why Self Control is the Engine of Success:
Picture
You'd think that, with results this profound, self control is something that would be taught in schools. And, to some degree, it is -- there are rules in school, and students are expected to follow them. But it's not something that most teachers explicitly emphasize in their classroom.

You know what they "teach" instead?

Self-esteem.

Instead of letting children develop self-esteem on their own, through hard work, SMART goal setting, improvement and achievement... teachers force it upon their students as an exercise in and of itself. 

Take, for example, Self Science: The Emotional Intelligence Curriculum, a two-year, 54 lesson program for teaching self-esteem (and, to be fair, other emotional skills) to elementary school students. This contains exercises such as the self-esteem roll call game: when the teacher calls out your name during attendance, you don't answer by saying, "Here," but by saying either:
  • "I love myself because..."
Or:
  • "Yes, I love myself, even though sometimes I..."
​
The exercises are designed to be either standalone lessons, or integrated with the students' academic classes. 

A quick Google search will turn up hundreds of similar programs, lesson plans, videos, books, curricula and exercises that are meant to "build" students' self-esteem. 
​
If that weren't bad enough, schools have taken several well-intentioned (but ultimately harmful) measures to "protect" students' self-esteem. For example, many schools have become anti-competition zones -- games with winners and losers are no longer acceptable, in spite of the fact that decades of psychology research show that competition is an important and healthy part of every child's development. 

When competition is inevitable, such as during athletic contests, all students "win" a participation award. Schools -- even high schools -- are getting rid of honor rolls, because it's not "fair" to those who don't make it. (And, yes, I understand that getting an A isn't the same as learning. But it is still important for students to have goals and rewards for their hard work. See also: Straight As Make You Look Complacent, Not Curious.)
Picture
I'm not gonna lie: being Athlete of the Year felt good. Even though it meant dozens of extremely talented athletes were disappointed. But guess what? Because they'd developed resilience through victories and losses throughout their lives, they dealt with it.
But is all this effort really worth it? 

According to Roy F. Baumeister et al.'s 2003 meta-analysis, Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness or Healthier Lifestyles,

No. There is no relationship between high self-worth and achievement. 

In fact, high self-regard is commonly found in narcissists, bullies and sociopaths. People with high, unwarranted self-esteem often have an inflated sense of popularity and likability. They get hostile when criticized or rejected. They alienate others. 

So is self-esteem good for anything?

The best answer is... Maybe. 

There is a correlational relationship between happiness and self-esteem, but, remember: correlation is not causation. We don't know if happy people have higher self-esteem, or if self-esteem makes people happier. 

​We also don't know if this relationship is even true -- after all, happiness and self-worth are measured by self-report. I love psychology, and I spent a lot of time studying it. I often cite studies that use self-report, but it's still a limiting method. People can, and often, say one thing, when they mean the other. In this case, studies suggest that people with high self-regard exaggerate their positive qualities.

Meaning there isn't necessarily any benefit at all to high self-esteem.

But you know what there is a benefit to? Mindfulness. As I wrote in How One Rapper Brought a Whole 5th Grade Classroom to Tears:
"Mindfulness, particularly early in life when neuroplasticity is at its peak, has the potential of helping children pursue a trajectory of healthy development," wrote Richard Davidson, founder of CIHM and a professor of psychology and psychiatry.

In a time when student mental health is at an all-time low (and student obesity is at an all-time high), mindfulness is exactly what kids should be learning. Plus, it's an awesome way to prevent them from turning into mindless hoop jumpers. And, eventually, these kids might become experts at thinking themselves happy. 
Here's how mindfulness training looks in practice:
And, more importantly, parents and teachers should explicitly teach children to self-regulate. This is almost the opposite of teaching self-esteem -- but, as demonstrated by both Walter Mischel and the research-based Tools of the Mind program, it's one of the most important lessons you can teach a child.

Tools of the Mind teaches focus and self-control; perspective taking; communication; making connections; critical thinking; embracing challenges; and learning through play (which is the most important possible kind of learning -- after all, Einstein didn't use flashcards). 

​These seven skills are, according to Mind in the Making author Ellen Galinsky, the essential life skills every child needs. Moreover, as Mischel's research demonstrated, they are the skills that are most likely to make your child happy -- for the rest of their life. 

And, on a broader scale, the self-regulation/mindfulness approach is much more likely to help close the achievement gap... than "giving" kids self-esteem that kids of previous generation earned.
Picture
11 Comments
Fenn
3/19/2017 02:26:23 pm

I really don't think your argument makes sense. You're not arguing that self-control opposes self-esteem or even diminishes it, simply that it's better than constantly rewarding kids. Totally right. But also, this idea of "happiness" is flawed. Happy is a mood, not a state of being. Self-esteem has a LOT of positive (and recorded) benefits. "Happiness" does not. Also, it's true that self-esteem comes from self-control and winning and losing and all the things you stated that are good for kids vs. attempting to force positive outcomes and positive moods in a false environment. I just don't think you've really made the point here.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
4/14/2017 11:29:17 am

First of all, I'm pretty sure that's not my argument. The argument, as per the title of this post, is "There is no benefit to having self-esteem." Schools should be teaching something that IS beneficial and valuable, instead. For example, self-regulation. I made no claim about a relationship between self-control and self-esteem, so I'm not sure where you got that.

Interesting claims about happiness and moods and self-esteem.. Can you support that with research? Because, as I wrote in this article:

"According to Roy F. Baumeister et al.'s 2003 meta-analysis, Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness or Healthier Lifestyles,

No. There is no relationship between high self-worth and achievement.

In fact, high self-regard is commonly found in narcissists, bullies and sociopaths. People with high, unwarranted self-esteem often have an inflated sense of popularity and likability. They get hostile when criticized or rejected. They alienate others.

So is self-esteem good for anything?

The best answer is... Maybe.

There is a correlational relationship between happiness and self-esteem, but, remember: correlation is not causation. We don't know if happy people have higher self-esteem, or if self-esteem makes people happier.

​We also don't know if this relationship is even true -- after all, happiness and self-worth are measured by self-report. I love psychology, and I spent a lot of time studying it. I often cite studies that use self-report, but it's still a limiting method. People can, and often, say one thing, when they mean the other. In this case, studies suggest that people with high self-regard exaggerate their positive qualities.

Meaning there isn't necessarily any benefit at all to high self-esteem."

The thing about social science research is that YOU don't get to "decide" what happiness means. Maybe to Fenn, "happiness" means "a mood," but lots of scholars would disagree. People who study happiness use prototype methodology (among other methods) to determine how to quantify something that's seemingly subjective and only qualifiable. Happiness means a specific thing in the studies mentioned.

Reply
Brian Wasserman
6/24/2017 02:51:04 pm

By saying that schools should be teaching one thing instead of another, you are implying that one is better than the other, which is a relationship between them. Otherwise, why not teach both, or neither. Also, if you're argument is that there is not benefit to self esteem, why do you write, "Is self esteem good for anything.. maybe." It seems like that contradicts your title. You also ask why kids must be taught self-esteem instead of learning it through achievement and other ways, but later in the article say that there is no correlation between high self worth and achievement. If point of the article is supposed to be to show that there is not benefit to having self esteem, I don't think you show that at all. You show benefits or problems with other ideas, but do not connect them to self esteem.

Eva Glasrud link
6/24/2017 03:26:01 pm

"why not teach both, or neither."

Because time is a zero sum game. the school day is seven or eight hours long. If you spend twenty or forty minutes teaching one thing, like self-esteem, that means you can't spend that time teaching something else, like SMART goal setting or statistics. The relationship is if:then-not..

"if you're argument is that there is not benefit to self esteem, why do you write, "Is self esteem good for anything.. maybe.""

The answer is "maybe" because causation hasn't been established. We know that self-esteem isn't linked to achievement, performance, interpersonal success, or even a healthier lifestyle. It MAY be linked to happiness... but we don't know if happiness causes self-esteem, if self-esteem causes happiness, or if something else causes both.

"You also ask why kids must be taught self-esteem instead of learning it through achievement and other ways, but later in the article say that there is no correlation between high self worth and achievement."

As I mentioned in my comment to you on Facebook, I've always had self-esteem. It made me uncomfortable writing this article, because I would NEVER want less self-esteem. I love having high self-esteem. All else equal, it's definitely better to have high self-esteem than low self-esteem.

But if, in the course of pursuing "self-esteem," teachers are creating narcissists and bullies who have no resilience, autonomy, etc... then they are doing it wrong. If, in the course of pursuing "self-esteem," teachers are sacrificing valuable time to teach something we don't even know can be taught, that is a bad thing. And if their justification for teaching self-esteem classes is because it helps children succeed in other parts of their life... that is incorrect.

A more correct way to pursue "self-esteem" is to give kids the tools they need to succeed. Baumeister wrote:

"The modest correlations between self-esteem and school
performance do not indicate that high self-esteem leads to
good performance. Instead, high self-esteem is partly the result
of good school performance. Efforts to boost the self-esteem
of pupils have not been shown to improve academic
performance and may sometimes be counterproductive. "

The whole paper is worth reading. Here's the link: http://files.clps.brown.edu/jkrueger/journal_articles/baumeister-2003-doeshigh.pdf

Maud
6/9/2017 08:17:28 am

Maybe there's no benefit to have a high self esteem but having a low self esteem is pretty dementrial as well.
There's need to be a balance between too high and too low. I'd say people need to have a healthy self esteem.

Reply
Brian Wasserman
6/24/2017 01:36:02 pm

When you say there is no correlation between achievement and self-esteem, to me that sounds like an argument for self esteem. I am listening to a book on CD right now in which many young women are interviewed, and they are their peers are doing a lot of things to get the attention of boys because that is what they base their self worth on. So even though they may be high acheivers in terms of grades or sports, they still have low self-esteem. So I agree that there is no correlation between achievement and self esteem, but that is exactly what makes it so important. The dictionary defines self esteem as having proper respect for yourself as a human being, and if you do not have that than you let others tell you how to feel about yourself. That leads you to do many things that you would not do otherwise, such as ( to use examples from the book I am refering to) sending naked pictures of yourself, or dressing in a way much too sexy for your age, or calling other girls names so that you can feel superior. I don't really understand arguing against self esteem, unless you are defining it in a different way, because I have always thought it had to do with believing in your own worth, even if you were not as successful at everything you do as you would like to be, and even if other people don't value you. I don't understand how that could not be a help to you in life.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
6/24/2017 03:01:59 pm

"I am listening to a book on CD right now in which many young women are interviewed, and they are their peers are doing a lot of things to get the attention of boys because that is what they base their self worth on."

So that's actually a really interesting point, and I hadn't thought about it that way. But now that you mention it, I can think of plenty of incredibly intelligent, ambitious women who just let men treat them like dirt...

I don't think that "teaching" self-esteem in the ways described in this post would necessarily do anything -- especially considering many of them haven't been tested for effectiveness.

One thing I thought of when I was thinking about why this might be is that feelings of depression/low self-worth tend to manifest themselves either as feelings of low agency ("I'm worthless"; "It's hard to get of bed in the morning"; "I'm stupid"; "I'll never amount to anything"; "I'm a waste of everyone's time") and feelings of low communion ("No one loves me"; "Everyone has more friends than me"; "Are all my friends hanging out without me?"; "No one understands me"). In this post, I suppose I was thinking more about agency -- how independent, capable, and self-reliant do students feel?

(For more on agency vs. communion, check out For the Love of God, STOP Asking People if They're Okay -- it explains in more detail: www.thehappytalent.com/blog/for-the-love-of-god-stop-asking-people-if-theyre-okay-ask-this-instead)

That said, confidence with respect to communion matters, too. But there are a lot of confounding factors here. Many psychologists would say that this reflects more of an attachment issue than a confidence one. Attachment theory is a huge field, which basically explores how early (like, starting when you're a baby) relationships form your opinions and expectations for relationships... and pretty predictable patterns form in early life that, if not addressed, can last your whole life.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
6/24/2017 03:10:28 pm

If attachment is the issue, I think it's possible a research-based intervention could help, since so many psychologists have studied attachment styles.

But what if the issue is that students don't know how to express themselves? After all, as I wrote in 4 Reasons You SUCK At Expressing Yourself (www.thehappytalent.com/blog/4-reasons-you-suck-at-self-expression-and-what-you-can-do-about-it), kids are taught from a very early age that "expressing yourself" is basically doing your hair and clothes and makeup a certain way. To me, this seems like a pretty shallow and empty form of self-expression. Maybe spending time on arts, music, creative writing, digital creation, etc., programs might help students figure out ways to express themselves that aren't sending emojis and saying, "Send nudes."

What if the issue is that new-age parents never tell their daughters they're beautiful? In "Experts" Are Saying Not to Call Your Daughters Beautiful. Here's Why They're TOTALLY Wrong, I wrote:

"When you compliment kids on everything but their looks, they might come to the conclusion that they have to choose between smart/athletic/accomplished... and pretty.

Especially as a girl, it's hard enough to stay in math, sports, or other stereotypically "girl" things, as peers begin to pressure you to conform to gender norms. When you induce this either-or mentality, you could seriously derail her.

Why not teacher her that it is fun, and totally possible, to be both smart and sexy."

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/experts-are-saying-not-to-call-your-child-beautiful-heres-why-theyre-totally-wrong

Eva Glasrud link
6/24/2017 03:13:35 pm

Or, it could just be because we live in a "raunch culture," in which everything is explicit and overt and expected. There is no delay of gratification. There is no modesty. There is no longing.

Maybe the problem is that girl's magazines used to have articles about developing your character -- like being more trustworthy or gossiping less -- and now it's about developing your booty.

Maybe it's something else.

I think your point is super interesting, and I'm probably going to keep thinking about it all weekend. But it's important to acknowledge that if we don't understand the problem, we can't solve it.

David
7/1/2018 04:33:37 am

Interesting read. I was with you until you started down the path of suggesting self-esteem and self-regard are the same thing. They are quite different. I believe a large cause of bully behavior is having high self-regard, but low self-esteem. True self-esteem does not require putting others down to lift yourself up whereas self-regard is all about being on top no matter what it takes.

I totally agree with your direction about teaching kids to self regulate and develop a discerning, questioning mind. Sadly, that is the opposite of what our education system has become. It is important to learn to pick and choose priorities, which means sometimes you're not going to get an A.

How do you suggest changing the education system to better support a goal of learning vs grade grubbing?

Reply
notimportant
6/29/2020 01:59:26 pm

I couldn't agree more with this piece.

Growing up urban or even working class in general is the complete opposite of having your self esteem reinforced or protected. Every bit of your self image is tested. You don't get to pretend you're tough. That gets tested early on. Rather than protected from competition, you grow up with competition being your entire world. Your intelligence, your physical traits and athleticism. Your work ethic and resourcefulness or problem solving ability. You're thrown into the deep end.

It might sound harsh but there is no greater teacher of respecting boundaries and respecting others or not having an unwarranted attitude than the threat of physical harm from your peers. Nothing teaches you to respect others views or differences than not being sheltered or isolated from different people and different situations. It's why so many people who grow up that way are able to handle difficult lives or situations and maneuver without letting things get to them. Sure there are downsides to the extreme versions of it but any downsides can be worked through by having real conversations with people in similar situations that make you examine yourself and how it affects you.

I completely disagree with the notion that building self esteem is ever a good thing. Sure it's great when you're very young but by the time you get to be close to preteen age, the worst thing to do is protect a kid's self esteem from reality.

Rather than just building self esteem, we should teach kids to think for themselves, to be resourceful, and to find their good qualities and feel pride in them while acknowledging and working on their bad qualities. Give kids standards of behavior and hold them accountable rather than doing the whole "everybody love everybody" schtick. I can tell you for a fact that my self worth and self image is healthier and more stable than most because it's not hypothetical, theoretical, or inflated. I know a lot of people who are the same way. That's where swagger comes from. It's knowing who and what you are rather than thinking it.

If we really want girls and women to value themselves, we need to encourage them to be the best version of themselves possible and embrace who they really are. We need to encourage girls to think for themselves and be independent.

Instead our society teaches girls to go after guys because they're popular or for some other fictional reason that has nothing to do with anything about the guy. We teach girls to go after and value what everybody else values in a guy or value guys based on how much other people want or value them. If girls are encouraged to think for themselves, they can eventually examine why they go after certain types of guys or certain qualities, etc rather than doing so much later in life. Our society takes away female agency and independence by encouraging girls to go with the crowd rather than think for themselves and form their own opinions. It's one thing to tell girls fairytales of Prince Charming types but a whole other to teach girls to project those same positive qualities onto whichever boy is popular or in demand with other people. That imo is how you can teach girls to have a healthy sense of self and at the very least only go after guys who treat them like shit as a conscious decision with both eyes wide open. But I'm a guy so obviously my understanding is limited.

But I do think that there really is no case where focusing on self esteem is a good thing that will end well in the long run. We should encourage people to expand themselves and their understanding of everything around them rather than have a self-centered and arrogant viewpoint.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    About the Author
    Picture
    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


    Want to support The Happy Talent? CLICK HERE!
    Support the Happy Talent
    Or Find me on Patreon!
    Picture

    What's Popular on The Happy Talent:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

      Want more?

    Submit

    Trending in Dating and Relationships:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture



    ​What's Popular in Science:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture


    Playfulness and Leisure Skills:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Popular in Psychology and Social Skills:
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    Categories

    All
    20s
    Adolescence
    Backpacking
    Boredom
    Boredom Avoidance
    Camping
    Career Advice
    Careers
    Communication
    Confidence
    Consent
    Creativity
    Curiosity
    Dating
    Economy
    Education
    Entrepreneurship
    Fearlessness
    Female Travel
    Feminism
    Free Speech
    Gap Year
    Great Products
    Growth Mindset
    Health
    Hiking
    Hitchhiking
    Life Advice
    Meeting New People
    Mental Health
    Mexico
    Mindfulness
    Most Popular
    National Parks
    Outdoors
    Parenting
    Parenting Advice
    Passive Entertainment
    Play
    Playfulness
    Psychology
    Relationships
    Resilience
    Science
    Scuba Diving
    Self Help
    Self-help
    Sex
    Sports
    Stanford University
    Startups
    Study Abroad
    Summer
    Technology
    Teenagers
    Therapy
    Travel
    Yosemite

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
Photos from paweesit, Steven Penton, torbakhopper, Theo Crazzolara, edenpictures, Kiwi Tom, Wrangell-St. Elias National Park, Homedust, wocintechchat.com, Ralphman, wbaiv, kg.abhi, Jamiecat *, UnitedWarVeterans, D()MENICK, True Portraits, Neville Wootton Photography, Salvation Army USA West, South African Tourism, phalinn, WilliamsProjects, j_bary, Japanexperterna.se, thephotographymuse, Elvert Barnes, ThoroughlyReviewed, hairy:jacques, joncutrer, wuestenigel, Franck_Michel, jimwerner25, Imahinasyon Photography, joanne clifford, m01229, Antonio Campoy Ederra, Our Dream Photography (Personal), shixart1985, davidstewartgets, couples in nature, Dage - Looking For Europe, jonseidman, andymw91, garryknight, wuestenigel, Rosmarie Voegtli, werner.philipps, Gage Skidmore, Novafly, dinuxm1, Eddie Yip, Prayitno / Thank you for (10 millions +) views, DMahendra, James_Seattle, jamkablam, vanitystudiosphotography, verchmarco (CC BY 2.0), Luiz Gustavo Leme, oki_jappo, Daquella manera, CasparGirl, Mary Anne Morgan, inkknife_2000 (10.5 million + views), homethods, wocintechchat, Hypnotica Studios Infinite, dailyrectangle, Tobyotter, torbakhopper, Kevin Johnston, David Robb, eisenberg_emily, True Portraits, Douglas Pimentel, pmarkham, Noize Photography, rawdonfox, dollen, davidstewartgets, ed and eddie, Ryosuke Yagi, Anthony_Greene, Ruth and Dave, best couples, Jenn Durfey, Cost3l, Orin Zebest, anjanettew, dollen, Editor B, Alexander Day, LyndaSanchez, polosopuestosblog, UpSticksNGo, Agência Brasil, homethods, Find Rehab Centers, Novafly, Deornelas4, buzzern, seefit, C. VanHook (vanhookc), University of Delaware Alumni Relations, Franck_Michel, gordontarpley, Chris Photography(王權), usadifranci, virgohobbs, TheUglySweaterShop, popofatticus, wuestenigel (CC BY 2.0), Mitya Ku, Stefano Montagner - The life around me, Official U.S. Navy Imagery, xxxology, Valentina (GaiaPhotography), True Portraits, Lars Plougmann, Scioto Photos, Carlos ZGZ, quinn.anya, anokarina, amtecstaffing, mliu92, sfbaywalk, MakaiylaW, jerseytom55, Ray in Manila, BoldContent, stevenbates, Janitors, True Portraits, dwhartwig, Kuruman, sffoghorn, liveoncelivewild, mripp, Magdalena Roeseler, Tambako the Jaguar, Barbro Andersen, cbcmemberphotos2477, dejankrsmanovic, weeklydig, Free For Commercial Use (FFC), Sharon C Johnson, Phuketian.S, WeTravel.com, Gunn Shots (On and off these days), valentin hintikka, homethods, JasonParis, kennethkonica, Gregg Vandenberghe, Alyssa L. Miller, theblacknemesis, jdlasica, verchmarco, lizbennington, Artem Beliaikin, best couples, Tony Webster, Infomastern, www.audio-luci-store.it, Our Dream Photography (Personal), LandBetweentheLakesKYTN, KRWonders, donnierayjones, tristendomusic, [email protected], ::ErWin, cnu_sports, gagilas, euthman, ierdnall, jeffreyw, liveoncelivewild, melan.cholerikerin, Artur Malinowski, blachswan, szwerink, wuestenigel, Foodista, toptenalternatives, Cubmundo, Kirt Edblom, Glenn Loos-Austin, wuestenigel, eleonoralbasi, wuestenigel, LyndaSanchez, gagilas, torbakhopper, Gage Skidmore, irio.jyske, LyndaSanchez, Theo Crazzolara, garryknight, kennethkonica, rentalrealities
  • Blog
  • About
  • Popular
  • Education
  • Social Science
  • Travel
  • Products
  • Contact