Guys (And Girls): If There's An Attraction, You Don't Need a Pickup Line.

6/13/2018

I’ve made, like, five new friends this month, just from flying on airplanes. I find it basically impossible not to meet cool people on airplanes, unless I actively choose not to (which I do, sometimes -- airplanes are also one place where I’m tremendously productive).

This has always been the case for me, and it's one of the best things about flying. Beyond learning interesting stuff about women's health, self-driving cars, forestry, and so much more... I've learned at least one important life lesson from which we can all benefit:

Too often, we don’t start a conversation… because we don’t know how. We all needlessly miss opportunities because we think we need some sort of “pickup line”... when, really, we don’t.

If there's an attraction, you really don't need a pickup line. You just need guts.

Here's the story:

Once upon a time, I was boarding a plane at MSP, when I spotted a guy who, like me, was ridiculously tall. Obviously, I was intrigued... He caught me staring at him, and the moment our eyes met, I couldn't help but smile. And feel a weird connection with him.

But he was a few spots behind me in the jet bridge. Too far for me to say anything to him without shouting over other people.

I broke eye contact, secretly hoping his seat was next to mine. But then I was like, Wait -- do I really want to sit by him? That dude is like, 6'8. It might be uncomfortable.

He followed me almost to my seat, but stopped short at an exit a few rows before me. I started reading... but we continued making accidental eye contact throughout the flight.

Finally, I was like, Okay, enough! I'm going to see if this plane has that seat-to-seat messaging service. I wasn't committed to messaging him... but I was committed to checking if it was even a possibility.

It wasn't.

So then I was like... What if I just went and sat next to him? There was a man in the aisle, but the middle seat was open. How weird would it be if I just sat down and said... what? "Hey, you're tall like me. What's up?"

I strongly considered it... but ultimately decided it would be inappropriate. Like, if the moments we were sharing were imagined on my part and he didn't feel them, plopping down right next to him in a seat that wasn't mine would be imposing.

A few meaningful looks later, the plane landed. We disembarked, and I thought that was it. I blew it.

But when I stepped out of the jet bridge into the airport -- there he was!

"Hey. Do you... want to get coffee or something?"

"How much time do you have?" I asked. "I have a connecting flight in an hour... but if you walk me to my gate, we will probably have time to stop somewhere for a drink."

So, sure, we wouldn't have much time, but everything's always worth it, right?

The conversation flowed as we began our journey as small talk about where we were going and where we'd been turned to discussions about why he might be closer to his maternal cousins than his paternal ones. I suggested it might be because mothers are the gatekeepers to relationships and offered to send him an article on the topic.

"Is that your way of asking for my number?" he smiled.

"No!" I exclaimed playfully. "I was going to send it over Facebook."

A few minutes later, we arrived at a Peet's Coffee and decided it was a good place to stop. "What are you getting?" I asked him.

"I'm not sure... I don't actually like coffee."

Remembering an article I wrote once about how I judge guys who ask me out for coffee, and wanting to confirm that I hadn't somehow steamrolled him into doing something he didn't want to do, I prodded, "You don't? But it was YOUR idea."

I make exceptions to the "coffee is a bad date idea" rule if the coffee has bears on it. Or... if we're in an airport and there aren't a lot of other options.

"I know," he told me. "But I wasn't sure what else to say. I just wanted to... talk to you."

He'd been vulnerable with me, so I was vulnerable with him. I told him how I'd totally checked to see if there was a seat-to-seat messenger thingie, but there wasn't, and we kind of laughed about the weird mutual attraction we'd both felt.

And... that's the most important part of this story.

We both felt this weird mutual attraction to each other. We both wanted to talk to each other. But, having never talked before, we had no idea what to say.

But, I realized, it actually completely did not matter what he said.

It could have been, "Hi. I'm Will."

It could have been, "How tall are you?"

It could have been, "Airports, amirite?"

Whatever dumb thing he said wouldn't have mattered -- because it would have gotten the conversation started. (If you struggle with conversation-having, check out You'd Get Invited to More Parties If You'd Mingle Instead of Cling.)

Well, okay. If he'd actually used a cheesy pickup line in a non-ironic way, or if he'd said something crass, sexual, or disrespectful, I wouldn't have responded, because it would have proven he's gross and stupid. If you think negging or watermeloning or ponyhorsing or whatever stupid thing you read about in your "pickup artist" book is going to help you with women, you're sadly mistaken.

But other than that... if there's a mutual attraction, you really don't need to worry so much about what you're going to say. That's a good way to not say anything, and then always wonder, "What if?"

Now. I'm definitely not suggesting you go around harassing everyone you find attractive. Just because you find them attractive, doesn't mean they feel the same about you. But if you feel fairly confident that there's something mutual going on, here...

AND you can start a conversation without being weird or imposing...

You totally should.

Worst case, the connection/attraction was imagined, and you get rejected by someone you're never going to see again.

But if you don't at least make an effort -- "Airports, amirite?" -- you're never going to see the person again, anyway.

***

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5 Comments

Eivind

8/29/2018 02:45:17 am

It's not your main point here; but the story also demonstrates that if you're a woman, you have better odds of managing even without the guts.

Ultimately, in this story, you chickened out. You wanted to approach him and talk to him, but you didn't. But it worked out for you anyway because he approached you and talked to you.

Eye-contact and a smile was all you actually had to do to get a coffee-date.

That would've been a whole lot less likely if the story had been the same, but the genders swapped.

Eva Glasrud link

8/29/2018 01:21:16 pm

I did chicken out in this story and it still worked out. In other stories, I sit down at a table full of dudes I don't know because there's one I want to talk to, or I chase down a guy I just had fun playing basketball with because I want to get his number and play with him again.

But in general, I agree. This is one example of women having it a little easier than men.

8/30/2018 03:34:15 am

I've been reading several of your blog-posts about topics related to this one over the last couple days.

And while I think your advice is good for the most part, it did strike me in quite a few places that your perspective is strongly colored by who you are. You're a young, physically attractive woman. That colors every single interaction you ever have with anyone whether you want it to or not.

I suppose you give a nod to it in this post when you say that *IF* there is an attraction, you don't need a pickup line.

Right. If you're an attractive woman, you might (like you did in this situation) need neither a pickup line, nor initiating at all. Just existing and perhaps smiling will (sometimes!) suffice.

Meanwhile, if you're an attractive man, odds are you'll need the initiation, but you can get away with not having a particularly inspired approach. "Do you want to get coffee or something?" will do. It worked for the man you met in this story.

But the world looks very very different if you're neither a woman, nor physically attractive. You'll need to do all of the initiation, and you'll need to accept that most of the time you'll be rejected when you do try.

And ideally you'll need to handle that while remaining confident both of your own worth (like you say in another post: of course you feel awkward if you don't feel you have value) in general, and of your attractiveness to women in particular.

This isn't intended as severe critique; nor as whining about how much worse things were for me, (they weren't, they were pretty awesome throughout most of my life) just as an observation that it's incredible how strongly colored our entire view of the world becomes by how we're accustomed to people responding to us.

The same would be true in reverse of course; if I were to write a blog-post about this very same topic, odds are exceedingly high that you'd not be able to recognize the world at all as seen through my eyes, and the advice I'd give would be of no value at all to *your* dating-life.

8/30/2018 12:31:33 pm

I would love it if you wrote a blog post about this topic. More viewpoints is always better. I think there are parts of my experience that many people could benefit from... but I only know what I know. You write clearly and beautifully and sound like you have some interesting experiences.

If you want, feel free to reach out to my gmail and we'll discuss. TheHappyTalent @

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Guys (And Girls): If There's An Attraction, You Don't Need a Pickup Line.

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