I'm Not "Using Feminine Wiles." I'm Just Worth Spending Time With.

Sometimes, smart people say dumb things. 

For example, I surfed with a buddy recently. Super smart guy. Successful exits and all that. Yet he couldn't seem to wrap his mind around the idea that my good friend (whom he'd never met, whom I've known for years -- apparently, men are really bad at gathering sufficient information before leaping to conclusions) likes me because I'm cool, and not because I use my "feminine wiles."

Which is a pretty insulting thing to say to someone. So I asked him, "Do you like me?"

He stared back, confused. (I know. It was a very confusing question.)

"Do you think I'm funny?

Do I make you think?

Do I challenge you to refine your own viewpoints?

Am I fun to spend time with?

Do I know things you don't?

Yes? Then why is it so hard to imagine other men would want to spend time with me for reasons other than feminine wiles?"

​He conceded the point. Then we went surfing.

​On the drive home, we talked about problems you can solve with deep learning (I just finished Artificial Intelligence: What Everyone Needs to Know, by Jerry Kaplan -- it was a fun read!), the microbiome, and what makes music "good" (I like interactive and thought-provoking, with musical qualities; he prefers distilling things down to their simplest possible form -- I can agree to disagree).

Back at his place, we rocked out on the piano. He plays beautifully, but was impressed that I can "sound like a real piano player," just by reading the guitar chords. 

"I should learn how to do that."

​"Okay. Let me show you how to get started..."

Next, we discussed poetry over Baroque and a fine bottle of wine. 

I had an awesome time -- and I'm pretty sure he did, too.

So you tell me: was I "using feminine wiles" to trick a man into spending time with me... or am I just fun to hang out with?

Was I lucky that he spent his day (and a bottle of wine) with me? Or was he lucky that I chose to spend my day with him?

Or... were we both lucky that we got to spend time with such an awesome other person?

I'm going to go with "both." As I wrote in 3 Things I Wish All Girls (And Women) Knew:
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A lot of girls (and women) think that spending time with a guy they have no intention of sleeping with is "leading him on." As though the only reason a man would spend time with them is for their body...

​This is absolutely not true. You are worth spending time with for the person you are. For the laughs you will share. For the knowledge and insights you can provide. For your crazy ideas -- and your willingness to follow through with them. Read more >

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The post continues:

Despite popular portrayals of men wanting sex more than anything else... they're actually human beings. Social creatures. Things like meaning, laughter and fun are important to them.

​And sure, sex can be important, too.

​But I think most of them would rather spend time with someone they could have an outrageously good time with than someone they can have meaningless sex with. Read more >

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This helps explain a recent study that found men are more satisfied by "bromances" than romance. 

These bromances usually include disclosure of personal matters; sharing of secrets with bromantic partner and no one else; overt expressions of emotions; feelings of trust and love; willingness to be vulnerable; and even hugging, cuddling, and kissing (all but one of the study participants reported they had cuddled with a bromantic partner, and all 30 said that these physical interactions were not about sexual desire).

Whoa. Who'd've thunk that men have emotions and spend time with people for reasons other than sex?! 

​Well, me, I guess. That's why I wrote the 3 Things post. And that's why I'm writing this one. If you seriously don't think you're worth spending time with, just for the person you are, you need an attitude adjustment. 

Go be silly. Go be you! Don't feel like you "owe" him something because you spent some time together. 

​Because if that's all he wanted, there are much easier ways of getting it. If that's all he wanted, the "rise of the bromance" wouldn't be "threatening heterosexual relationships" or whatever.

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Want to know more? Check out:
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• ​3 Reasons Why I Don't Do "Date Night"
• It's Not That Girls Don't Like Guys Who Are "Desperate" or "Too Available." It's That You Ignored Her Clearly-Stated Boundaries. 
• Saying "Before Others Can Love You, You Have to Learn to Love Yourself" Is COMPLETELY FALSE.
• Men Can Learn From the "You Should Have Asked" Comic. But So Can Women.
• Dating Advice: You May Be Asking All The Right Questions, But Here's What You're Forgetting
• ​Can Antidepressants Accidentally Make You Lonely?

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