It's Not That Girls Don't Like Guys Who Are "Desperate" or "Too Available." It's That You Ignored Her Boundaries.

I have a remote girl crush on Jadzia. A regular commenter on my blog, she offers insights and perspectives I often haven't thought of. She makes relevant points, even when she disagrees with me. 

And her recent comment on my post, Saying "Before Others Can Love You, You Have to Love Yourself" is COMPLETELY FALSE, inspired not just a reply -- but a whole new post.

In the Before Others Can Love You post, I wrote that loneliness often drives us to engage in behaviors that have the short-term benefit of alleviating our loneliness, but the long-term benefit of making everyone hate us.

For example, not leaving when it's time to leave.
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 You need to learn to say goodnight, even if you're super lonely and it hurts to go home.

There's this horrible cycle some lonely people fall into.

Being at home, alone, is so painful and demoralizing... that when someone finally does invite them out, they refuse to say goodnight.

They either ignore or miss overt cues that the other person is tired, ready to go home, or ready for you to leave their home.

And while this brings temporary satisfaction day-of... the long-term consequence is that the person doesn't get invitations, anymore. 

Trust me. There's a decently long list of people whose calls I don't answer, because I know they won't respect me when I say, "I have to go! Bye!" (Hint: When someone says goodbye, the conversation is over.)

There are people who don't get invited over because after I said, "Wow! I'm getting tired!" I had to say, "I'd better get to bed! I'm getting up early tomorrow" -- then, finally, a half-hour later, "LEAVE."

Show some respect, or you won't get a lot of invites. ​Read more >

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Jadzia commented: 
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I have a friend who will never pick up on hints that it's time to go home. Once my husband and I were almost falling asleep and he didn't take the hint. Eventually, I learned that I just had to ask him to leave when I wanted him to do so. He is fine about that, he picks up his stuff and goes pretty quickly when asked. Sometimes, I mention when he arrives that it can't be a late night as my husband has to get up early for work so he won't expect to stay until late.

My friend is depressed and has a lot of problems. I think his unwillingness to leave is probably due to loneliness. Actually, writing about him has reminded me to give him a call. Read more >

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She is absolutely right, and I kicked myself for not explicitly saying in the original post that it is okay to address the elephant in the room.

It is okay to tell a friend, "Hey, you're a super important friend to me, but you really have to start paying attention when I say I have to hang up the phone or want to go to bed."

​After all, as I wrote in 5 Things EVERY "Socially Awkward" Person Needs to Know, if something's awkward, it's going to be awkward whether or not you talk about it.

So you may as well address it -- it prevents discomfort, escalations, and, in this case, ended friendships.

Moreover, as I wrote in The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Gif ALL Women Need to See ASAP, it's really not rude for you to tell the person, "You need to go home now." It's rude for them to have ignored you when you said, "I have to be up early tomorrow," "I'm getting tired," AND, "Wow! It's so late."

That said...

Jadzia got me thinking, as she often does. And I realized that a huge number of the men I've talked to who think that women don't like men who are "desperate" or "too available," (and vice versa -- I'm sure plenty of women think this about men, too)... are completely mistaken.

It's not that you were "too available." It's that she clearly stated her boundaries and expectations, and you ignored them.

It's not that you were "desperate" for wanting to see her twice in one week. It's that, the first time she saw you, she had to say goodnight five times before you listened. 

In fact. When I like someone, I want to see them a lot. I don't want to play stupid mind games -- that's for children. (See also: If You Waited Three Days to Call/Text, You Won't Be Getting a Response From Me.) And it feels good to know that someone has made it a priority to see you, even though they're busy. 

BUT ONLY IF.

The guy is fully respectful of my boundaries. 

The guy doesn't brush it off when I say I want to go home, I'm busy tomorrow, or I'm on my way out the door and can't talk right now.

And don't even get me started on guys who try to kiss you, even though you very clearly went for the hug. That's a little less like "annoying," and a little more like "assault." (See also: How to Know Exactly When -- And When NOT -- To Kiss a Girl.)

Girls use hugs the same way boxers do -- to keep you away from their face.

So, to recap: it's not that we don't like people who are "desperate" or "too available."

It's that most people are horrible at addressing the elephant in the room. Instead of telling you, "You need to respect my boundaries," they find it more comfortable to just avoid you.

(We can't all be as cool as Jadzia.)

This isn't some complicated psychology trick. It's not a dating hack, game, or strategy.

It's basic human courtesy.