There's No Such Thing As Small Talk -- Only Small Minds.

A while back, I wrote that there are no bad essay topics — there are only bad essays. 

Similarly, there is no such thing as small talk — only small minds. The good news is, if you're one of those people who "hates small talk" or thinks small talk is "boring" or "meaningless" or "shallow," you are not doomed to be boring and meaningless and shallow. 

"Small talk," like any social skill, is a skill. And this one is really easy to learn.

​All you have to do...

Is care what other people say.​
​
Yes, really — that's it!

A behavior commonly mistaken as flirting (See also: Why you should "flirt" with basically everyone), listening to people when they talk and caring what they say is like, the greatest and easiest social skill ever!

And, unlike when you're sitting there talking endlessly about yourself, it's a really cool opportunity to learn something you didn't already know.

Here's a story I shared on Quora after seeing dozens of people ask questions about how to avoid small talk:

I was camping (for free, by the way — see also: Harvest Hosts) at Indianhead Mountain up in the UP, and I stopped by the Sky Bar (they have all-you-can-eat chicken wings on Tuesdays — I couldn’t not!) for dinner and a bonfire.

Image: Harvest Hosts Lets You Camp For Free. It's Also Keeping Small Businesses From Closing During the Pandemic.

There were several people at the bonfire — all locals. All from a super small, isolated town. (“It’s not a town, actually — it’s a village,” one of them.. either corrected me or joked.) None had traveled. None even really had internet in their homes.

We seemingly had nothing in common — what could we possibly have to talk about?

It ended up being one of the most interesting, energizing nights of my trip (and I've just started the 18th month of the trip, so that's saying something!).

I asked everyone how they knew each other — two had met working on a small goat island (“Wait — what??!!”), and I couldn’t stop asking follow-up questions (“So…. you pay to rent the goats? How much does it cost per day to rent a goat? If you have goats, why did you also need to rent sheep? Where do they do in the winter? Have you tried goat yoga?”).

Free camping! Image: @TheHappyTalent

I asked one what he did for work — he told me that he was the manager at not one, but two local grocery stores, and some of the logistics and challenges he’s faced rival those of my friends with fancy tech jobs in Silicon Valley. The ins and outs of running a grocery store are endlessly fascinating.

Then, I asked a question that really got the men fired up:

“What kind of chainsaw do you use?”

Image: @EvaViaMusic

This sparked a very lively discussion about the advantages and disadvantages to different types of chainsaws, as well as stories about the family and local history of logging in this area. Prior to The Question, two of the men had crushed their beer cans and said goodnight — then they stayed another hour to share their stories and experiences.

"Where do you work?”

“How do you know each other?”

“What product do you recommend?”

To a small mind, this is small talk. To a large, open, and curious mind, this is the stuff of lasting friendships and unforgettable conversation.

***

So there you go. Open your mind to learning. Become curio​us. Be genuinely interested in others. Suddenly, small talk won't feel so small anymore. 

Another Quora user had a slightly different perspective, which I also wanted to share here. On the same question, Jerry Pagart answered:

​You have to become less self centered and develop some empathy.

You tend to hate small talk because you feel it isn’t about you. You find interesting only what is about you directly, and even better, if only you knows it. It is likely that you hate to share, even your words, let aside your thoughts.

While you are convinced that this is a behavior that makes you important and you are protecting your important stuff, I have news for you: you are a total nothing, a nihil, a zero, a total no-interest to the vast majority of the people around you. They would hardly waste more than 3 minutes of their time to even think about you. Just like about me. Just like about everybody.

Now that we have established that we are important almost only to ourselves, and apart from that we all are zeroes:

Small talk is not about exchanging useless information.

It is about sharing instant feelings (no, do not panic, not your well kept feelings, but an instant feeling of contentment and small happiness). It is about meeting someone in a good humor, taking some of his good humor and give something back, while exchanging these small, insignificant words. Wanting to be graceful to someone shows empathy. It shows that you are anthropocentric and not egocentric, that you care about others and not only about your self.

You feel that small talk is not worth it because you thing that exchanging only serious talk gives you value. Your problem is that you feel worthless and you are desperately looking for ways to look valuable, even to yourself. I have more news for you: we all feel like this sometimes. But most people don’t make a big deal of it.

Relax and enjoy the simple things in life. Do not worry so much about your worth, it doesn’t depend on small talk -actually, the more reactionary you are to common everyday things, the less value you have to others.

Build some self esteem and some feeling of self worth by being genuinely nice and empathetic. Stop trying to protect yourself and everything that’s yours (thoughts, words, objects etc) as if they are highly important. Actually, it is way more important to question and re-assess everything in you constantly. It is called education and self-growing.
It is easier said than done. You can try, but if you feel you can’t do it alone, seek professional help.

Is it a harsh take? Sure. But sometimes, cruel is the kindest thing you can be — especially given how rare honest feedback is — from friends, from family, and even from professional therapists.

I'm glad I read his answer, because I think he's identified another reason people might hate "small talk." They prefer ME! ME! ME! talk.

Which is a really good way to make people forget or dislike you.

​Be bigger than that.