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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

Women: Instantly Make Your Whole Life Better By Learning This ONE Phrase

9/22/2015

7 Comments

 
I am so on-board with the whole "teach men not to rape" thing, it's not even funny. It's something I wrote about in The Stanford Kink Klub Has The Healthiest Sex on Campus - Here's Why, and again in The Secret "Catcalls" of Educated White Men - My Problem With "Pickup Artists." It's not because I "hate men" -- it's because I think a lot of men sincerely do not understand the definition of rape. They honestly don't get that getting a woman intoxicated and taking advantage of her is illegal. They honestly don't understand that trying something sexually, over and over, until she gives up and stops saying no (quite possibly because she's now very intimidated) -- but still hasn't said yes! -- is an ambiguous form of sexual assault. 

But you know what I'm not on-board with? People who get offended by well-meaning advice about how to avoid getting raped. Because you know what? An inevitable part of rape culture is that women learn dysfunctional behaviors that increase their likelihood of being taken advantage of -- starting at a very young age. For example, being polite. Girls are taught to be polite, often with disastrous results. No one says it better than Tina Fey in The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. 

After being abducted and locked in a bunker for fifteen years, Kimmy Schmidt and three other survivors appear on the Today show. Matt Lauer asks one of the women about her kidnapping. She replies,
I had waited on Reverend Richard at a York Steak House I worked at, and one night he invited me out to his car to see some baby rabbits, and I didn’t want to be rude, so…here we are.
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Women. It is so, so important to #BeRude! It is so, so important to remind yourself: if some dude is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you are not the one who is being rude. HE is. And there's a fine line between rude... and dangerous. 

One problem I was just discussing with my new BFF Ken is how gross and inappropriate it is when men touch women. Women they don't even know! Or women they do know, but not well enough that they want to be touched. And it's no accident! Men are actively, intentionally taught, in their pathetic little pickup artist classes, that "violating a woman's space" is one of the many ways you can manipulate them into unwanted contact with you. 

Some of them are really good at it. They'll do it in a public place, hoping you'll feel too awkward to confront him in front of others. They'll do it in a subtle way, such that you "feel bad" rebuffing him, since he's "only" touching your hand, shoulder, back or thigh. They'll back you against a wall or the arm of a chair and use their body as a physical barrier to keep you from stepping or scooting away. 

It's gross. It's disgusting. It's wrong. But women -- there's a really easy way to make them stop.

Look them in the eye and say,
"Why are you touching me? You don't even know me."
Check your politeness at the door. Check your shame -- there is nothing to be ashamed of. Check all the dysfunctional attitudes and social norms you've inadvertently learned by growing up in a culture of Title IX violations and victim blaming.

You are not the rude one in this situation. He is.

Obviously, it's hard to overcome years of social learning. Which is why it's so, so important for you to mentally rehearse. Learn the phrase -- or modify it to your satisfaction. Decide exactly what you want to say. Then visualize yourself saying it to the next gross-ass pickup artist who comes and puts his arm around you at a party or event.

I'll say it again. Decide exactly what you want to say, then specifically visualize yourself saying it. It's no different from sports psychology. Athletes don't close their eyes and think vaguely about making the game-winning shot. They think about their stance. They think about their free-throw routine. Two bounces. Spin the ball. Thumb on the S in Spalding. Ball over forehead. Wrist over elbow, elbow over knee. Breath. Bend the knees. Shoot. Follow-through. Swish.
"Why are you touching me? You don't even know me."
Or simply,
"Stop touching me."
You could even say something to the effect of,
"Excuse you!"
as you remove his gross-ass arm from your shoulder or back and walk away. Whatever works best for you. 
Don't worry about making him feel bad. When I'm put in a situation where some dude I don't know starts touching me, I hope he feels bad when I call him out. Maybe he'll learn something about not touching people who don't want to be touched. Like not to. 

My fear is that, without this mental rehearsal -- without this un-learning of so many gendered social norms -- more women will end up like Daisy Buchanan, who recently wrote I'm Tired of Being Kind to Creepy Old Men in Order to Stay Safe. In it, she lamented,
“What’s your name?” is an innocuous enough question, regardless of where the asker’s hands are. I’d been made to feel bad for not answering.

So I started to plan a different path to class, setting off 20 minutes early to add enough loops to my route to avoid the trio that caused me trauma.



Every incident of harassment I witness, whether it’s at first- or second-hand, is making my world a little bit smaller and scarier. I don’t go out dancing any more, even though I adore it – because I know from experience that something bad might happen if I have to get home after midnight and the streets are full of potentially terrifying men who might not take it well if I don’t want to stop and say hello.

So I’ve imposed my own curfew, and try to be in bed by 11pm. During a chat about exercise a friend mentioned that she’s stopped running because of the number of men who will shout “compliments” and block her path to get her to slow down and talk to them. She misses running outside in the fresh air desperately, but the anxiety the harassment causes her is too great for her to risk it.

Women. There is no reason that you need to stop dancing. There's no reason you can't just look a creeper in the eye and say,

"Stop touching me."

Yes, the men who are touching you shouldn't be touching you. More efforts need to be made in health classes, freshman orientations and other forums to teach men not to do that. But when you grant them the power to determine what route you walk to work, what time you go to go to bed, and whether you'll run or dance today... you're not doing anyone any favors. Un-learn politeness, and learn how to #BeRude.

***

Want to know more? Check out:

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Gif All Women Need to See Immediately
3 Things I Wish All Girls (and Women) Knew
Why Most People Suck at Saying No (And How You Can Start Improving Today)
The Secret Catcalls of Educated White People - My Problem With "Pickup Artists"
Dear Felicia Czochanski : You're Gorgeous, But You Don't Understand Street Harassment
7 Comments
Jessica
9/23/2015 02:21:57 pm

This kind of advice is great. But often the well-meaning advice is something stupid like, what's wrong with telling women not to walk alone at night?

And it's stupid (as I think you know) because I know how to evaluate threat. And that means I know I'm more likely to get raped in my own home by someone I know than I am walking to the gas station at night in my town of 30,000 where no one was murdered last year and women very, very rarely getting raped walking outside.

Very rarely when someone tries to give women advice to combat rape is it based in pragmatism - like teaching women to be comfortable saying no - but rather based on the very false belief that the world is oh so dangerous and home is safe.

Also I use to work the night shift and it's so incredibly stupid to tell me to drive instead of enjoying a nice walk in my safe neighborhood at 11 p.m.

Good post, just wanted to rant against the popular advice given though.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
9/23/2015 03:23:52 pm

Such a good point -- thanks for commenting! I *wish* combatting rape were as easy as taking a self-defense class or putting keys between your fingers. But it's usually so complicated by social stuff -- "I don't want to mess up a work relationship," "I don't want to make a scene," "I'm confused about what's going on," "Why won't he LISTEN to me - I thought we were friends!"

That's why I think it's so important to get comfortable saying no.

And awesome -- good for you for getting out and enjoying the night. It's such a magical time :)

Reply
E
11/1/2015 09:18:24 pm

acting nice keeps you safe some of the time, that is one of the reasons women do it. it is generally more dangerous to act out and not go along with what is happening

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
11/2/2015 01:05:23 pm

So, like, if a dude is like, "Come look at my baby rabbits!" And you're like, "No, thanks," and he's like, "No seriously, come look at my baby rabbits," the safest thing is to be polite and go see his baby rabbits?

Definitely not. Many victims spend months, even YEARS, feeling guilty, because they had a bad feeling about something, but they did it, anyway, to be polite. And then something awful happened. And it is absolutely not their fault it happened -- it's just a difficult feeling for them to deal with. If we all practiced being "rude" sometimes, we would find ourselves in fewer ugly situations. And, obviously, every situation is different. Like, when someone who's clearly unstable comes up to me in the streets and wants to talk or shake hands, I feel like it's safer NOT to be confrontational with them. But it is a vast and dangerous overgeneralization to say "it is generally more dangerous to act out."

Reply
Anna
1/5/2016 07:38:28 pm

I'm not sure how accurate this is, but according to Scandinavia and the World Comic, the vikings were extremely hard on sexual assault. Raping a woman meant death, and touching her without consent was a hefty fine. Interestingly, touching her arm was more expensive than her crotch because (the logic goes), if she complained about him touching her arm, she REALLY didn't want him touching her.
Here's the comic in question. http://satwcomic.com/keep-your-hands-to-yourself

Reply
Mike
11/18/2020 06:44:05 pm

"Why are you touching me? You don't even know me."
Check your politeness at the door

But that *is* polite. As are all the other phrases. Nothing you've said here strikes me as rude.

Reply
Eva Glasrud link
11/19/2020 06:05:33 am

That's wonderful. Good for you. The point is, as I wrote in the article, a lot of people are afraid to defend themselves from unwanted touching because they're afraid it's "rude" or they're "going to make a scene." Obviously this article is intended more for women (see also: the title). If a man were out at a bar and some dude put his hand on his thigh, I don't doubt for a moment he would say, "Dude, get your fucking hand off of me."

Women need to learn to be the same way.

Reply



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