7 Reasons I Feel Sorry for People Who Call Me Ugly.

7/6/2017

The "tolerant left" has done it again! I wrote a blog post they don't like (not because of my ideas, but because I'm white), and, unable to come up with a coherent and well-reasoned argument...

They've resorted to calling me ugly.

They weren't the first anonymous internet trolls to try to hurt my feelings, and I'm sure they won't be the last.

But here's the thing about their little poison pen comments:

On a scale of 1-10, it bothers me zero -- except insofar as it makes me feel sorry for them. Here's why.

1. They have a powerless, victimhood mindset.

They think they can hurt my feelings by calling me ugly -- which, as anyone who’s seen my Instagram knows, I am clearly not. (#ChooseBeautiful)

They would only try to hurt me in this way because they are so insecure about their own appearance and self-worth... that being called ugly by an anonymous stranger on the internet would hurt them tremendously.

They think that calling me a name will hurt me, because they can't imagine what it's like to have a positive body image and healthy self-esteem.

Can you imagine living with such a powerless, victimhood mindset, where people you don’t even know can control how you feel?

I can't imagine it. I truly can't.

One of my earliest memories as a child was seeing my reflection in a window and thinking I was the prettiest girl in the whole world -- though this thought was immediately followed-up with, "But probably everyone thinks that. It's probably impossible to look at yourself and not think you're beautiful."

High self-esteem was something I took for granted. I thought everyone loved themselves.

But trolls on the internet prove otherwise.

And, sure, I've written that there isn't necessarily a benefit to teaching self-esteem in schools -- researchers have found that there isn't a correlation between self-esteem and achievement. But. There is a correlation between self-esteem and happiness.

Which suggests that:

2. They're probably not as happy as I am.

I'll be the first to admit: causation hasn't been established between happiness and self-esteem. We don't know if happiness causes self-esteem, self-esteem causes happiness, or if something else causes both.

Nevertheless, I think it's safe to assume I'm happier than people who hide behind their computers and say mean things about other people. After all, according to psychologists, downward social comparison is the number one best way to feel better about yourself.

Their comments are simply a delusional, frantic attempt to feel an ounce of self-worth.

Meanwhile, I'm traveling the world, making money doing what I love, crushing it on the basketball (and volleyball, and frisbee, and rock climbing) court, writing music, exploring the great outdoors, and just loving life.

Dog-friendly backpacking in the Eastern Sierras. Not to self: next time you want to soak in the Carson Hot Springs, whitewater kayak in -- it takes longer, but it's much easier!

Calling someone ugly is a desperate effort to feel better when you've got little else going for you.

Isn't that sad?

3. They're probably dumb.

Right now is probably one of the worst times in modern history to be dumb. Knowledge is more valuable than ever -- with globalization, the difference between one job candidate and another who is 1% smarter... could be tens or hundreds of millions of dollars!

Which is why CEOs and other top employees of today earn so much more than those of yesteryear. Charles Murray discusses this at length in his super cool book, Coming Apart: The State of White America, 1960-2010, which I highly recommend.

Meanwhile, more and more jobs are being automated or outsourced. If you can't do something a computer, machine, or overseas laborer couldn't do, you're basically worthless.

Which is another reason to feel bad for people who call me ugly. They're probably dumb -- which means that, in this economy, they're basically worthless.

People who make ad hominems do it because they're unable to think rationally. They're unable to make eloquent, logical arguments. All they can do is get emotional and feel things -- jealousy. Anger. Insecure. Discontent.

Unable to do what most of us learned to do in preschool and use their words... they just call people names.

To be fair, some at least make an effort to regurgitate some meaningless and unintelligible social justice jargon they heard somewhere (including phrases like, “since you don’t have a minority card [sic] let me go ahead and give you some advice”)...

But it’s clear they’ve put none of their own thought into it.

Either because they lack curiosity... or because they can't.

But...

4. Even if they're not dumb, they still don't seem capable of acting rationally, rather than emotionally.

What good is all the intelligence in the world... if your panties are always so up in a bunch, and you can't even use it?

And, look, I get it. Thinking rationally is hard. Psychologist Jonathan Haidt wrote a whole amazing book about it, which I also recommend. It's called The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided By Politics and Religion.

Among other topics, Haidt discusses how it's difficult for everyone to think logically when they're emotional. And that some people are a lot more emotional than they realize. And basically the only way to overcome your primitive "lizard brain" and use your human ability to reason...

You need to be weird.

As in WEIRD.

As in Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic.

(To learn more about this, download The Righteous Mind or check out You're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you -- it's probably the most brilliant comic The Oatmeal has ever made.)

I fit the bill -- and one of the things I love most about myself is my ability to examine evidence, admit when I'm wrong, and constantly look for more evidence to support (or disconfirm) my hypothesis. That's why I love blogging so much!

That's why I don't think this FDA-approved weight-loss device is a powerful tool, rather than "disgusting" "medical-assisted bulimia". The facts just don't support those feelings.

It's why I love discussing controversial topics -- if they were straightforward and easy to solve, they wouldn't be "controversial", and it's fascinating to explore the different perspectives.

It's why I don't want to be with a man who's politically correct -- I want to be with a man who's EMPIRICALLY correct.

That's why I don't write comments like this:

I'm smarter than that... and I happen to have emotion regulation skills that surpass those of a two-year-old.

Can they develop those skills with effort and hard work?

Possibly. But probably not.

See, students of 2016 were exposed to fewer and less provocative ideas than students of 2014, and test data shows that many colleges fail to improve critical-thinking skills.

But nothing's impossible, I guess.

5. My spouse is going to be smarter than theirs... and our kids are going to be smarter than theirs.

To be honest, I only really thought of this because I mentioned Coming Apart earlier. But! I'd be remiss not to mention Genetics and intelligence differences: five special findings, an expert review in Molecular Psychiatry. In it, Plomin and Deary wrote:

Assortative mating is greater for intelligence (spouse correlations ~0.40) than for other behavioural traits such as personality and psychopathology (~0.10) or physical traits such as height and weight (~0.20). Assortative mating pumps additive genetic variance into the population every generation, contributing to the high narrow heritability (additive genetic variance) of intelligence.

In other words, we tend to like people who like us. Meaning Christians are more likely to end up with Christians. Beautiful people are more likely to end up with beautiful people. And smart people are more likely to end up with other smart people.

In fact, people select more highly for intelligence than personality or appearance.

Which means that, not only am I less likely to get divorced than these trolls (smart people have lower divorce rates than others)...

But I'm also probably going to have smarter kids.

I know your panties may be bunching, and you may be getting ready to write a comment about how I'm dumb and ugly (but, of course, you won't back it up with any actual arguments)... but your feelings do not trump the facts on this one.

That intelligence is heritable is not a matter of scientific debate. It's a matter of scientific fact. What is up for debate is exactly how much of intelligence can be predicted by genetics. Estimates range from 40% to 80% -- for reference, that's as much as height.

6. They're probably going to die before me.

Whether they're calling me ugly because they're dumb or powerless or jealous or overly emotional or insecure, they're probably going to die before me. Here are a few reasons why:

Many traits we consider to be beautiful are signs of health and fertility.
People who get worked up and angry all the time have a higher allostatic load, and are more likely to suffer heart and other chronic health conditions.
Married people live longer than divorced people.
Stress, rage, etc., also makes you more likely to stress eat and get fat.
Smart people live longer -- even when you control for childhood socioeconomic status.
People who feel more victimhood and less agency are less healthy and die younger.

Of course, an early death may be a blessing in disguise for them. The real curse, for someone who feels so negative and nasty all the time, would be to live forever.

7. It sucks to be wrong.

I started this post by saying, "As anyone who’s seen my Instagram knows, I am clearly not ugly. (#ChooseBeautiful)"

Subjectively, I find myself to be beautiful -- and no damaged boychild in his mommy's basement can change that. Even when I've just gotten out of freezing cold water after abalone diving, I still think I look cute:

And, yes, beauty is (somewhat) in the eye of the beholder. But there are dozens of more objective measures we could use to quantify or qualify my beauty, from measurements to symmetry to how often I'm asked out to who knows what else.

(Of course, by going there, I'd inevitably trigger special snowflakes and sexist jerks alike -- women with the nerve to call themselves pretty piss insecure people off, and women who are "conventionally pretty" aren't supposed to have opinions.)

The point is... if you call me ugly, you're just plain wrong. But we both know you're not calling me ugly because you really think that -- as evidenced by this guy (or girl):

Like... come on. I clearly don't have red hair. It's like you're not even trying!

***

I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I feel bad for people who call me ugly -- but I'm also glad they take the time to comment! It's great for my SEO, and the more people who visit my blog, the more money and opportunities I make, just by sharing my thoughts online!

So please! Keep hating! Keep posting about me on Tumblr and Reddit (moderate, reasonable thinkers get hate from both sides)!

But also, maybe try to take a few deep breaths sometime, and read some of the advice on my blog. It could really help you improve your life.

Might I recommend:

And, of course...... (cue the "laughing at you so hard, I'm crying" emoji):

6 Reasons It's Not COMPLETELY Awful to Date a Man Who Still Lives With His Parents

21 Comments

Amin Riadh

7/6/2017 06:26:20 pm

[[The "tolerant left" has done it again!]]

Er... no! How do you know it is the "left"?

One troll called you "ugly" and swore at you. Now how do you know it is a leftie? Evidence please?

And anyone can read the article and notice actually there has been some "good" comments that have questioned you, especially over your self-obsession and narcissism.

1. They are not calling you ugly
2. So which of them are lefties?

Eva Glasrud link

7/6/2017 07:04:08 pm

Umm... because it's very clear from reading the article and comments? Did it sound like the kind of thing that would get the alt-right in a tizzy? No. They get upset about articles like "If You Had To Grab Her By The Back of the Head and Force Your Faces Together, It Doesn't Count as a Kiss." Or, like, "Science is real."

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dear-confused-dude-part-2-if-you-had-to-grab-her-by-the-back-of-the-head-and-force-your-faces-together-it-doesnt-count-as-a-kiss

I didn't really think the "good" comments were that good. Half were so laden with meaningless social justice jargon that they were all but incomprehensible. Half didn't seem to know the difference between confidence (knowing that, objectively, you are good at something) and "narcissism" (extreme interest in oneself).

That, too, is something that makes me feel sorry for people. If you're so far from having a healthy self-image that you can't even imagine the difference between confidence and arrogance... then I feel bad for you.

But that's a different issue.

And, sure, I could have given more examples of people saying mean things to me online... but what's the point? I just ran with the most recent one, because I've long since forgotten about the others. (I know THAT the exist. I just don't care enough to track down what/when/where. The point wasn't to make a laundry list.)

7/6/2017 07:30:40 pm

No. One troll calling you ugly does not mean the "tolerant left" is at it again and all it can come up with is to call you ugly.

- -

"Did it sound like the kind of thing that would get the alt-right in a tizzy? No."

Why did it have to be "alt-right"? And how come its equivalent is all the Left?

Actually the person calling you ugly in such a way, that specific poster could very well have been a Right Winger. Seeing a woman a beneath himself...

Not everyone having a go at you is from the Left {Which is surprisingly homogeneous when the Right clearly isn't}.

You have no concrete way of knowing whether " Just stop" actually is a Leftie or not. But quickly jumping to "leftie" smear simply betrays your prejudice and bias.

- -

"Half were so laden with meaningless social justice jargon "

Yes. One again... your prejudices comes forth very quickly... rather than engaging with what the person is saying... what you do is vent off well versed anti-SJW rants. A case in point is the commenter "Just Stop".

I guess as soon as your "SJW trigger" went off...

- -

"Half didn't seem to know the difference between confidence (knowing that, objectively, you are good at something) and "narcissism" (extreme interest in oneself)."

It is VERY easy to make case against you that you are "self-interested". And the matter of degree is to an extent matter of opinion.

Does a confident person need to keep stating how "good looking" they are?

7/6/2017 10:56:42 pm

I think the misunderstanding is coming from you seeing "left" instead of "'tolerant' left" -- as in, regressive, far left, hypocritical SJWs. I thought it was clear that I'm not talking about reasonable democrats.

People who think things like knowledge is dangerous and free speech that hurts people's feelings needs to be censored and white people aren't supposed to have opinions -- even when said opinion is actually a fact.

THOSE "tolerant left"ists.

The person calling me ugly used language that is characteristic of an alt-righter, sure. But I know who it was (from their email) and I know what website the person was coming from. Hint: it wasn't Breitbart.

As far as my alleged "bias and prejudice" -- I'm an equal opportunity criticizer. I'll mock dumb assholes from any end of the political spectrum. It just so happens that this particular asshole was a regressive lefty.

Next you wrote, "One again... your prejudices comes forth very quickly... rather than engaging with what the person is saying... what you do is vent off well versed anti-SJW rants."

The thing is, Amin, people who are overly emotional like that aren't open to discussion. What can you say to someone who thinks white people shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion? Does that really sound like a logical person worth reasoning with to you?

If the criticism had been something like, "Yeah, but only 1% of black people use blacksingles.com, so the effect on OKCupid should only be bla bla bla," I'd think carefully about what they were saying and respond with either my agreement, or further justification for disagreement.

But criticism like, "Fuck you you're ugly" or "fuck you you're white"... there is no meaningful way to engage with that. I tried explaining to people that there is such a thing as expertise and data and stuff. But all they cared about was opinions and lived experience.

As for your last question: "Does a confident person need to keep stating how "good looking" they are? "

Do you think I walk around talking about how beautiful I am? Or do you think, perhaps, it came up because it was information that was specifically relevant to that (and now this) article? Honestly, my main motivation for being open about my self-image is because I don't think women should be afraid to express confidence or pride. I'm sick of the stereotypical, "You look so pretty in that dress!" "Yeah, but my hair sucks," girl script. I'd much prefer to hear women say, "Sarah, you HAVE to see me in this dress. I. Look. AWESOME."

(This isn't a problem that only affects self-esteem. False modesty negatively affects confidence; failure to self-promote leads to missed opportunities; women are much less likely to get credit for their work than men; etc. It's actually a huge issue in feminism, and this is just a small step in the right direction.)

I think everyone has a right to be proud of who they are and (less importantly) how they look. So what can I do, but model the change I want to see in the world?

I can see why it might come off weirdly to an outsider, though -- you sat down and read in a few minutes all the comments I replied to over several months.

Plus, dudes hate when girls have confidence.

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dove-wants-women-to-choosebeautiful-men-want-women-to-chooseaverage

7/7/2017 09:13:20 am

Hi again,

I was reading this NYT article this morning by Mark Penn and Andrew Stein, and thought I'd post it here. You might enjoy it.

- Eva

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/06/opinion/center-democrats-identity-politics.html

7/6/2017 06:29:13 pm

This felt weirdly vindictive and petty, like Trump tweeting defensively about his small hands. I generally enjoy your posts for their unique perspectives and factual basis. I agree with 80% of what you say and find your content helpful! This one felt like it was written for that one internet troll jerk. Calling him a "damaged boychild in his mommy's basement" is just as low as him calling you ugly. Everyone with an online presence gets this kind of hate -- let it go.

I can easily see how many people would find you attractive. I personally don't, but it really doesn't matter! Stop insisting on it. Your other content is so much stronger.

7/6/2017 06:52:28 pm

It's a much larger issue than that, and we both know it. People like Lindy West and Ed Sheeran leave twitter because they don't like people calling them names. People talk about the shit female (and male) bloggers have to deal with, just for sharing their opinions. People talk about how horrible high school is now, because kids say mean things about each other online. And don't get me started on Felicia Czochanski.

Perhaps these people could benefit from a perspective other than, "OMG! How horrible for you! You must be traumatized!" If it bothers you, think of it as a reminder that "sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me." That's one little nursery rhyme it seems today's youth never learned.

Lots of people read my blog just because I'm pretty. It's good to know you're not one of them.

7/6/2017 07:45:34 pm

"I can easily see how many people would find you attractive. I personally don't, "

I knew this was going to be contentious... and it didn't fail to deliver a response.

" Lots of people read my blog just because I'm pretty. It's good to know you're not one of them. "

Actually he didn't call you "not pretty", rather quite the opposite. He said he didn't find you attractive. And they can be two different things.

You can find someone to be good looking and yet still not be (sexually) attracted to them.

7/6/2017 11:01:58 pm

@Amin Riadh -- I'm not sure I follow. What part of it was contentious? Who said anything about not being pretty? Maybe reread the thread?

7/6/2017 07:12:50 pm

Hey, so follow-up:

I was confused about why you thought this was about one individual commenter. To me, it was obvious (since I wrote the post)... but I realized I didn't explicitly say, "This is a commentary about trolls in general, not just the one I give as an example."

So I added a little blurb about that, to clarify.

"They weren't the first anonymous internet trolls to try to hurt my feelings, and I'm sure they won't be the last.

But here's the thing about their little poison pen comments..."

Hope that helps.

7/7/2017 02:04:50 pm

Sounds like you intended for this to help people who are being cyberbullied. That's great! I would love an article on that! That might be titled "Ways to deal with cyberbulling" or "Why bullies finish last"

This is how it actually came across:
"Fuck you you're ugly"
"No I'm not! I'm incredibly pretty and beautiful! You're just dumb and immature and you're going to die early and your kids are stupid!"

I think it's great that you're confident, proud, vocal about your looks. The relentless, long-form insistence on it is just tedious.

Two general suggestions I have, in case they are helpful:
1. Show occasional vulnerability! Sometimes it feels like you don't think you can _ever_ be wrong. This makes me more closed to your opinions.
2. Feature other people! Your pictures and life and persona are truly exemplary and exciting. I think other people could have similarly strong traits and stories to share, and that would make this blog even more relatable.

7/7/2017 05:45:16 pm

If you have advice about cyber bullying, you can submit it as a guest post. I'd certainly consider it, especially if it contained advice that wasn't exactly the same as all the hundreds of other articles about cyber bullying. "Why Cyber Bullies Finish Last" isn't a bad title, either. ("Ways to deal with cyber bullying" is a bit generic-sounding, and probably wouldn't get much traction.)

It's really not my area of expertise -- all I can say is that the whole idea of feeling worse about yourself because a stranger on the internet said you're ugly is bizarre to me, and I think that through cognitive reframing (one of the most powerful psychology hacks ever invented -- http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/this-is-one-of-the-most-powerful-psychology-hacks-ever-invented-and-it-only-takes-a-few-minutes), more people who are plagued by bullies could feel less affected by it.

BUt, of course, once I started thinking about what bullying says about someone, I started getting all these ideas. (I happen to be a fan of evolutionary psychology and social science research.) One of my favorite books I read as an undergrad was on the psychology of physical attraction -- I liked it almost as much as I liked some of the empowerment stuff. In fact, I was originally going to just write about the first point -- that bullies have a powerless, victimhood mindset, and that makes me feel sorry for them. But then I started thinking about Leary's self-esteem research, happiness research, intelligence research, some of the data from Coming Apart, and so many other things!

Isn't psychology awesome? I think so... which is why I blog about it.

But, in the end, what it comes back is, again, nothing strangers on the internet say will really hurt me. Obviously, I'm not talking about threats -- I haven't received any of those, and I'm not sure what my response would be if I did. I guess I'd read up on California home defense laws.

I appreciate the feedback. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to show I think I could be wrong about my opinion about my looks, because that's subjective, and not really something you can be "right" or "wrong" about. But I have received comments before that made me reexamine what I thought -- including one comment about why self esteem DOES matter, and I'm still figuring out how I feel about that (http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/there-is-no-benefit-to-having-self-esteem-heres-what-children-should-be-learning-instead... and one on how kids learn toxic attitudes about body image from their parents, rather than from Disney princesses (http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/dear-well-meaning-parents-and-educators-stop-giving-girls-self-esteem-problems). Sadly, the comment was on an old facebook thread, not the article, so I can't link to it. But it was well-reasoned and made me aware of a certain kind of white privilege I've benefited from.

As for your second point, I have tried featuring other people. It's hard, because people are busy. I've been actively recruiting one friend, who's a student AND a military wife AND a mom of two AND she just landed a dream job in a national forest AND her facebook posts make me LOL. I feel like there are a zillion things she could write about, way better than I could. IF she could find the time some day, it would be a dream come true.

I also had three AWESOME guest posters last month -- I was so honored to feature their stuff. Here are the links if you want to check them out:

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/if-you-care-about-womens-rights-stop-saying-that-islam-is-a-religion-of-peace

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/10-things-you-do-at-pickup-basketball-that-i-make-fun-of-you-for

http://www.thehappytalent.com/blog/6-reasons-its-not-completely-awful-to-date-a-man-who-lives-with-his-parents

If you've got an idea, I'd love to hear it. Don't worry -- you can stay anon if you want...

Mike

8/9/2017 12:23:27 am

Well, I think you're pretty

Andy

3/24/2018 03:41:49 pm

I admire what appears to be complete self confidence, however are you trying to convince us, or yourself? Also, you’re a 7-8 tops. Not beautiful. Certainly not ugly, but “beautiful” is for 10s.

Eva link

3/24/2018 04:05:49 pm

Awww, Andy! It sounds like you've been rejected by too many beautiful women! I hope my articles about confidence are helping you through what is clearly a sad and lonely time. Piece of advice, though: although it's normal to want to lash out at others (even strangers ON the internet, if you don't have any friends IRL) when you're in pain, it's counterproductive, as it makes people like you even less than they already do. You'd be better off focusing on doing a great job at work, so maybe you can get a raise or promotion, or learning a new hobby, so people will actually find you interesting.

Good luck, sweetie. I hope you find someone. I really do.

3/24/2018 06:55:53 pm

whoa whoa relax there hot stuff. Nothing wrong with 7+ ;-)

3/24/2018 07:17:55 pm

You are in amazing shape, so definitely props for that.

3/24/2018 07:47:17 pm

I feel like you've left the exact same comment before, but under a different name. Cool ip address. Very unique. :P #stalker

3/24/2018 08:02:37 pm

Mmmk. All I’m saying is truly beautiful people don’t need to justify it in an absurd treatise.

Sybil

7/7/2021 04:50:34 pm

Hi Eva
I am so glad I came across your post.
Can identify a lot with what you have written about your experiences on line.
As a women myself I find that there is a lot more aggression aimed at women on line.
I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Jayden

10/11/2021 09:54:09 am

As a woman who struggles a lot with self-esteem and body image (after experiencing a fairly relentlessly emotionally abusive childhood), I think it's really inspiring to see that someone can actively really believe that they are super beautiful and intelligent and be confident enough to say it in front of other people.

I essentially was taught growing up that it's never really OK to think good things about yourself because it's arrogant and self-centered, but honestly, never being able to so much as think something good about yourself is just a terrible thing to try to exist through. (I don't feel that I can accurately describe it as something you "live" through.... it makes it hard to live in any meaningful sense of the word.)

People tell me that I'm fairly decent looking and very intelligent, but I just haven't worked through my own issues enough to ever actually feel like it's true. I don't think it matters if you're objectively the most attractive person around - given that you only get to live once, and you only get to live once as you, it really seems ideal to just love you for how *you* look and think... and that's exactly what you do, and that's awesome. And I aspire to that.

I don't really understand the strongly negative reactions in the comments. I think it'd be great if everyone were their most loving, strongest advocate in the way Eva is for herself in this post. (It's not the most mature post ever, but I feel like when people are needlessly rude or hurtful to you, it's OK to dismiss them. They don't deserve to be on your emotional radar.)

It's not like by being beautiful and intelligent, you reduce the number of other people who can consider themselves beautiful and intelligent. I feel like too often, people see those things as sort of zero-sum games. They're really not though, even though social media often plays them that way.

7 Reasons I Feel Sorry for People Who Call Me Ugly.

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