A Pretty Girl Answers the Age-Old Question: "Don't You Ever Get Tired of Getting Hit On All The Time?"

3/29/2016

Pretty girl here (#ChooseBeautiful, amirite?). Like Felicia Czochanski, who recently sparked pure, ugly hatred on the internet for having the nerve to call herself pretty, I am tall and slender, with clear skin and a nice face and stuff. (I don't have 34DDs, though.)

As tired as I am of hearing people skinny shame and hot shame attractive women (Dear Social Justice Warriors: either it's okay to reduce a woman to her appearance, or it's not -- please make up your mind), I must admit that being pretty confers certain advantages.

In addition to the billions of psychology and business studies that show we see attractive people as more competent, intelligent, humorous, qualified and kind (not to mention that each inch of your height is worth about $800 a year in the business world)... being pretty makes it easier to show up at parties and events alone. You know you won't be invisible. You know plenty of people will want to talk to you. (A woman I know once told me, "When you're fat, you're invisible when you want to be seen, and you're inescapably visible when you want to be ignored.")

You know this so well that you don't even know you know it.

Likewise, it makes many aspects of travel cheaper and easier. I've only been in Costa Rica for two weeks, and two different surf instructors have already dropped everything to go out surfing with me -- giving me plenty of their professional advice, for free. (More than that, I appreciated not having to surf new beaches in a foreign country by myself -- apparently, that can be a little dangerous.)

When I negotiate with local vendors for better prices, they initially seem annoyed. But then they decide I'm cute and adorable, and that I deserve the deal I asked for, and then some.

When I hitchhike, it doesn't take very long to get a ride. (I know you think hitchhiking is dangerous -- but never in a decade of hitchhiking have I ever had any problems.)

But, when my friend Joseph came down to visit for four days last week and observed that almost every single person I encountered the whole time he was here expressed interest in me, he asked a question I've heard many times before:

"Don't you ever get tired of everyone hitting on you all the time?"

As we all know from psychology (or at least my recent post about Trump supporters), hardly anything in life is dispositional, and almost everything is situational.

Meaning that 99% of the time... No. Getting hit on doesn't bother me.

As I wrote in The Stanford Kink Klub Has the Healthiest Sex on Campus, my position is not that no man should ever hit on me. My position is that it is fine for a man -- any man (you know, except a boss, teacher, or other inappropriate person) -- to hit on me. Once.

If I say no and he doesn't back off, that is a problem.

But I'm not going to get pissed off at a man for calling me beautiful, buying me a drink or asking me out for dinner.

UNLESS...

So a few days after Joseph arrived, we decided to do an open ocean swim out to a pink sand island off the coast of Samara, Costa Rica.

I'm a slightly faster swimmer than Joseph, and I know I should have waited, but I thought he was right behind me. I kept checking, and he was always there.

Until he wasn't.

All of a sudden, his little orange snorkel was just... gone.

It turns out he'd gotten caught up in a strong current, and he was lost at sea for the next six hours. It was terrifying.

When I got back to Samara, I asked two cowboys and a security guard what they thought I should do. The one guy didn't speak much English, and the second guy told me that he was very worried about my friend for two reasons: one, because multiple people died trying to swim to that island last year, and two, he has lived in Samara his whole life, and he knows how powerful the currents get when the tide is rising.

He may have even used the word "muerto," which means dead. He may have used it three or four times. This did not help my anxiety.

So then! The third guy followed up by saying, in careful English, "What is your name? You are very gorgeous."

I told him I didn't care, because I wanted to help my friend. Then I started talking to the other guy again.

The third guy interrupted, "Is he your friend or your boyfriend?"

"Are you sharing a hotel room?"

"Are you sharing a bed?"

In this case, yes. I was very tired of being hit on. What was wrong with that guy? What on earth made him think I would want to be hit on while mi amigo might be muerto? And why did he think personal questions like "are you sharing a bed" were at all appropriate?

Gross.

A few days later, I had just gotten out of the water in Manuel Antonio. (Hint: if you already know how to surf, don't try to surf Manuel Antonio. There's a beach in front of the Mariposa Hotel that might be firing, but you'd be better off in Jaco or Dominical.)

The guy I rented my board from had flirted a bit when I got my board. He ended out coming out in the water and surfing with me for a bit. It was nice enough... until he started looking at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't a lecherous, I-like-looking-at-your-body look... it was more of a deeply committed, I-want-you-to-be-mine look.

And that scared me.

After I got out of the water, I was drying off in the breeze, facing the water, thinking about what a beautiful world we live in...

When the guy approached me from behind, wrapped his arms around my waist, and started rubbing my stomach. I think I felt him kiss my shoulder.

"NO MOLESTAR!" I screamed at him. I was pissed.

"No molestar," or don't touch, is a phrase I only know because I see it on signs in the national parks. Typically, is it used with respect to animals. No molestar monos. No molestar mapache. No molestar sello.

This fact made me even more pissed, because I am not a motherf@*$ing animal, and it disgusts me that he would treat me like one.

So, to answer Joseph's question, "Don't you ever get tired of people hitting on you all the time?"

...

...

No. In fact, it's probably a good thing, because I've learned that if I don't enforce my boundaries, people will take advantage of my time, and that is not okay.

No, because I understand the whole #NotAllMen thing. Most men are good. Most men would never treat me like a monkey. Most men would not just start touching me without my consent. Most men would not try to score a date with me while my friend was lost at sea.

And I understand that a lot of "hitting on" is just harmless flirting. Flirting is fun. It is silly, playful and sweet, and it beats the heck out of small talk! I don't mind appropriate (e.g., I'm not at work, you're not my boss, my friend isn't lost at sea, etc.) flirting one bit. As long as you don't touch me. Or ignore me when I say I'm not interested.

But. I also understand the #YesAllWomen thing. ALL women, whether they are slender and beautiful or fat and plain, have experienced some amount of unwanted touching, comments or come-ons. That is why so many women absolutely hate getting hit on.

So, men. Here's what I think. If you see a pretty girl, and the situation is appropriate, go for it. Once. But be extremely mindful of the situation. Be mindful of her body language. Approach her like a person, not an algorithm. Be warm. Be kind. And be fully prepared to back off the moment you get a chilly vibe.

Because if you aren't, you are no better than that creepy molester on the beach, and I hope someone screams at you so you get the message, loud and clear.

(Remember: if a woman raises her voice at you, it's not because she is "crazy." It's because you did something that made her mad or uncomfortable. Learn from it, and do better next time.)

***

Want to know more? Check out:

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Assertiveness: How to Stand Up For Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Gif All Women Need to See ASAP.
Guns Don't Kill Women. Male Entitlement Kills Women.
How to Know Exactly When (and When NOT) To Kiss a Girl
Women: Instantly Make Your Whole Life Better By Learning This ONE Phrase.

12 Comments

carson

3/31/2016 12:52:41 pm

Just stumbled onto your blog, coming from Quora. So I'm now procrastinating by binge-reading! :) :( I love you're writing and your ideas on woman empowerment. I need to learn some of this fearless behavior (and attitude).
By the way "No molestar" is closer to "Do not bother... ". Still works.
Also, btw, I have a minor complaint: you got me all wrapped up in the story of your friend lost at sea and then you didn't explain how he was eventually found...I know it's not the point but you know human curiosity won't forgive a unfinished story...

Eva Glasrud link

4/9/2016 07:41:04 pm

Thanks for the feedback -- I didn't know exactly what "no molestar" meant, but I was pretty close :)

Regarding my friend: After a few hours of swimming and fighting the current, he ended up near the rocky shore of an island. Trying to get onto shore, he got beaten against the rocks, but eventually made it to the island. Eventually, he was able to flag down a sailboat, and they brought him back to Samara.

Meanwhile, the one cowboy (the one who wasn't hitting on me) had asked his friend, who worked on a shrimp boat, if I could sit on a bag of shrimp and go out on the boat looking for my friend. The police had been called, as six hours had passed since I last saw Joe. Right as I was about to get in the shrimp boat, I saw a bloody, sunburned dude limping down the beach, and instantly knew it was Joe.

I was so glad he was okay! We took it easy the rest of the evening, and he flew home the next day.

LearnAboutIntersectionality link

4/18/2016 08:59:39 am

Now, this is something I can relate to. I am in college and I find myself getting hit on often by older men. I am not particularly attractive to these men. I do have a guy that I talk to on and off but I am not with him seriously. The other advantages to being pretty is that people are more likely to notice you and be treated with respect. However, looks fades and all we have left is our personality.

I don't necessarily agree with everything that you write and post however I believe the posts on your blog are well written and very organized.

4/25/2016 10:33:39 am

It's so true that people are more likely to notice you and treat you with respect -- and, sadly, that looks fade.

I read somewhere, once, that being beautiful often produces one of two effects:

1) You begin to feel ENTITLED to peoples' attention and affection; you EXPECT people to do and give certain things for you; and you don't feel an ounce of gratitude when they do.

2) You realize that people are being kind to you when you've done nothing to deserve it -- and it makes you a gracious and kind person in return.

I don't know how firmly-rooted this is in science, but it rings pretty true. We've all met arrogant, nasty people who are physically attractive. And then there are the Princess Dianas of the world.

Thanks for the feedback -- I'd like to incorporate some of your ideas in future blog posts :)

Zeph

3/6/2017 01:03:51 pm

That's an interesting concept - and may be a positive myth even if it's not scientifically grounded.

I have had to overcome some reserve I had regarding attractive people. One of the factors was that I had observed that they were fairly often curt and percursory in dealing with anything they might perceive as being hit upon - because they WERE tired of being hit upon (except perhaps by other especially attractive people), and did not care to waste any time with gracious deflection. And as such they were often poor at simple human to human connections even if NOT aimed at bedding them. I had some sympathy for that situation - what can be a one-off simple interaction for one party can be just one in a long string of similar events for the other party and that's a challenge for politeness. (Try having an unusual name). But I still didn't enjoy interacting with somebody with such hard boundaries and hypervigilant brush-off tactics. I've made an effort to not pre-judge attractive people in this regard tho.

The other factor related to your first alternative response is the "early strokes" concept. Long ago on the radio I heard a psychologist working with professional football teams say that many of his clients were emotionally immature, because pretty much anybody who makes it to the top of the game has remarkable athletic talents which show up early, and so they wind up with a reliable source of ego strokes and identity reinforcement at an early age, and less need to keep improving themselves in order to get same. I think that sometimes something similar can occur with "beautiful people" (perhaps not starting as early). And likewise, I have come to trying to avoid any prejudgement on this basis.

It was never that I mistreated "attractive" people - only that I gravitated to others and left them to their own worlds. I came to understand that was unfair tho - my own version of filtering for convenience. (As you say elsewhere, many of our human mental flaws are based on malfunctioning short cuts). And of course, attractive people can still manifest the behaviors I describe - but they deserve a chance and the benefit of the doubt.

Have you written about the "privilege" aspects of being attractive and/or young? At times it can be very blatent.

And finally I recall being very drawn into the story (on This American Life I think) a few months back, of a formerly very overweight woman who had dramatically reduced her weight through drugs and become quite attractive. She now had a great boyfriend, a better job and a much happier life; and she had experienced the dramatic shift in how people related to her. Like she bought some goods at a deli but discovered she didn't have her wallet, so they just comp'ed her and she was astounded, so she tested the same thing elsewhere and often got the same treatment. It was a whole different world, like the story in "Black Like Me" except she was getting better treatment. The sad part was that to continue the medication (which had succeeded where all other efforts had not), she was scamming prescriptions and ignoring likely serious health effects to come - this new treatment was addictive, whatever the cost. I believe she was an associate producer on the show, so I was amazed by her frankness.

The final piece I will mention is that my own mother was well know as a local beauty when she was young, and forged her identity around that. She had a hard time with aging - somehow affording face lifts while working just above minimum wage and still losing to age in the end of course. It was a real message to me, not to tie one's identity and worth to something which is so predictably going to fade. She was a good person, but not a very reflective or intelligent one.

notimportant

6/29/2020 11:38:00 am

I'm gonna have to disagree with you about football players, Zeph.

The competition is so high stakes that players who come into the league with a complacent mindset will be out of football within a few years.

Complacent mindsets dominate pro basketball but not so much any other major sport.

Other than that I mostly agree.

Paige

1/11/2017 06:29:52 pm

I really enjoy reading this blog and I have a follow up question: Do you feel the same way about cat calls from people who don't actually intend to engage in conversation? I feel similarly to flirting and being hit on - it's fun! But I absolutely hate cat calls on the street. Personally, it almost always takes me by surprise and I'm jolted out of whatever thought or conversation I just had and it leaves me feeling nervous and uncomfortable for the next 20minutes.
Being hit on allows for the other person to engage, have a voice, feel empowered by returning the flirt or declining (politely, hopefully). Being called out on the street makes me feel like an object.
Thoughts?

1/14/2017 11:59:41 am

Definitely! I couldn't agree more. A catcall is generally gross -- with exceptions. Once in a while, I'll get a very genuine, "Nice skateboard!" or, "Wow! Gorgeous!" and that doesn't bother me. But most of the time, it's jarring and objectifying and gross.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the difference between flirting and catcalling. I'll have to remember that next time some hyper-sensitive dude says, "Great, so I'm just supposed to never talk to a woman in public again?"

6/29/2020 12:46:11 pm

I would like to offer the male perspective here at least when it comes to blue collar workers or say people hanging out in their neighborhood.

People like this view their job site or their neighborhood as their home or front porch; their turf. If they see an attractive woman walking by, it's from that perspective of she's gracing us with her presence and I want to acknowledge it. Then of course there's the male bravado aspect of it and how macho and idiotic certain types of men are in groups or even pairs. You have to understand that this is the extent of their world in some cases. Their neighborhood, their home, their work. You also have to understand that they don't tend to have access to women in professional fields or the world outside of their own. Seeing you is like seeing a mirage or a manifestation of some holy figure. You might not know it but they are very aware of the fact that you wouldn't see them if they didn't do something to get your attention. If you're really being honest with yourself, you'll admit that you don't really interact with guys who are outside of the professional/academic/creative world very often unless it's some specific thing that brings people together. They want you to see them rather than treat them as invisible, and they want to acknowledge you gracing their "world" with your presence. Aside from the obvious power imbalance of men and women though, it becomes a serious problem that isn't just about trying to get your attention when familiarity turns that appreciation and flattery to male entitlement. This is what girls who grow up in these types of places and women who work in these types of blue collar fields experience.

That's not to say it's not insensitive or sexist without the familiarity added nor to defend it. I just know that perspective very well and in my younger days made an ass out of myself shouting out at women and complimenting them (not always in a respectful tone). I never took it past compliments though. Even my cocky young self knew better than that.

Cyrus Kirkpatrick link

8/23/2017 11:37:30 pm

First of all, I love your writing and sound advice about hitting on the ladies. The fact is, I love flirting. It makes life way more fun. And yes, sometimes it does lead to "something more" ... or perhaps it won't. That doesn't always matter -- what matters is engaging in that little game of attraction that makes life more fun. Most women who are sound of mind won't be detested by flirtation -- unless they have some social issues of their own. I've seen it before -- not often, but I've met some who recoil away. But, as I said, it's only a minority.

But, yes, approaching ONCE and doing it the way you suggested is always the best. And also reading body language cues. If she's leaning into you and responding to you, she's into you.

I can't imagine losing a friend at sea. I'd be horrified. I felt terrified just reading your story. I assume he was OK.

6/29/2020 12:08:29 pm

Another great post.

I always treat women like the people they are. I don't see a woman as a sex object unless she's made an effort to make herself that for me, and even then that doesn't mean she's a sex object once the fun is over.

I don't enter into a conversation explicitly trying to hit on anybody unless it's at a place that's specifically geared towards that like a club or party or something. I don't try to fuck every single woman I see because that would be a really sad way to live my life. I'll give somebody a friendly nod and say something like "How's it going?" because I'm always courteous and outgoing but unless she conveys interest in her response, I won't just start hitting on her. Even if she does convey interest or respond positively, I'll start off by just complimenting her or noticing something and asking her about it. Something like noticing her unique clothing item or something and asking if she made it herself or asking if she's into such and such. Or maybe I'll make a completely nonsexual friendly, light-hearted remark. Then I'll introduce myself. I won't change my approach no matter how traditionally attractive or not a person is. It's not me playing games. I'm just genuinely not impressed by attractiveness and really only care about your looks if I just want you for your body. If it's more than just a bit of fun, I need to know I'm dealing with more than just a trophy wife who gets by on her looks.

I personally couldn't comment on how attractive people are treated though. I'm fairly attractive and like to think I'm good looking but it's a rugged kind. I don't look like a model, and people don't go crazy like that lol. People tend to see me and see manly things or whatever stereotype they might think I fit because I look like a typical working class urban dude. But I have swagger and charisma, so it makes my looks that much better. Alas, no free swag though.

Speaking as a guy, what is most attractive to me is self confidence and being comfortable in your own skin. It doesn't matter what mainstream society decides is attractive. Be confident in who you are and what you've got going for yourself. Confidence and charisma goes a long way, and it's also really unhealthily to not be comfortable in your own skin.

6/30/2020 09:26:51 am

>> "I don't enter into a conversation explicitly trying to hit on anybody unless it's at a place that's specifically geared towards that like a club or party or something."

And with that, you may have inadvertently stumbled upon a secret to success. When you approach a woman to hit on her, her guard goes up. When you approach her because she is a fellow human who may have something interesting to say, she can relax and enjoy your company.

>> " It's not me playing games."

THANK YOU!!!

>> "I'll start off by just complimenting her or noticing something and asking her about it. Something like noticing her unique clothing item or something and asking if she made it herself or asking if she's into such and such."

This. It's amazing how many guys think a generic compliment that could literally be about anyone will make a girl swoon -- or how many guys think the girl will be impressed if he talks about himself. Some guys worry about lines and how to find something funny and witty to say, and it's just like... If you want someone to like you, be interested in them! Not yourself!

I love this comment! Thanks for sharing :)

A Pretty Girl Answers the Age-Old Question: "Don't You Ever Get Tired of Getting Hit On All The Time?"

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