Every time I log on to Quora, I am struck by the number of people who wonder what it's like to be a beautiful woman -- and, even, how said women deal with the "constant" attention, getting hit on, and getting stared at all the time.
After being asked how I "deal" for the millionth time, I decided to write a post about it. Please note: this is from my own personal experience, and doesn't necessarily reflect the experience of others.
*** For the most part, I don't even notice if or when people "stare" at me. I'm not especially aware of the "constant attention." To the extent that, if you'd asked me about it just a week or two ago, I would have said that they didn't even exist. But a recent experience changed my perspective. See, I just spent five-weeks in Panama and Costa Rica. When I first arrived, I noticed that people down there honk their horns a lot. I figured it had to do with narrow, windy roads -- people wanted to let pedestrians know they were coming, or even to get pedestrians to move over more. So much for "share the road," I remember thinking. But then, my fourth week in Central America, I met a really cool guy named Mickey. We decided we wanted llama steaks for dinner, and started walking to a restaurant about a mile away. To set the scene, here's what it looked like. So pretty!
Volcan Arenal in La Fortuna, Costa Rica. Check out la sombra de la puesta del sol.
But, beautiful scenery on the right aside, there was a road to our left. And, as had happened everywhere else in Costa Rica, lots of cars were honking at us when they drove by.
After a while, Mickey asked, "Don't you ever get tired of people honking their horns at you all the time?" And I was like, "Huh?" He explained that on his first night in Costa Rica, his cab driver had honked his horn every time they passed a beautiful woman... then looked back at Mickey and said, "Chickas." "I thought he was just doing it to be funny, but then I realized that everyone does it. Well, the men, anyway." Hm. It had never really occurred to me that this honking had been a form of "catcalling" all along. Which, actually, doesn't surprise me. As I wrote in Dear Felicia Czochanski: You're Gorgeous, But You Don't Understand Street Harassment, I rarely get catcalled. Probably because I have no fear. I have roamed many of the “murder capitals of the world” alone, at night, without much of a thought. When I hear women lament about how scary it is to go places at night, I have a hard time relating. I’ve never had that experience before. Maybe I was wrong about how often I get catcalled. Or maybe the catcalls in Costa Rica were due to cultural differences, and don't happen with the same frequency in America. Or both. But the thing is... Who do you think will have a better experience in Costa Rica, or New York City, or just in life? The person who is constantly wondering if/why everyone is staring (or honking) at her... or the person who only realized the honks were directed at her four weeks later, when someone told her? I'm going to go ahead and say the girl who was too busy thinking about the beautiful scenery, the fragrance of guava in the air, or the fascinating stranger she's just met to worry what others might be thinking about her. Coincidentally, I came across an interesting image on Facebook this morning that explains what I'm trying to say a lot better than I'm saying it:
Scarcity vs. Abundance Mindset
Previously, I'd been unfamiliar with the terms scarcity and abundance mentality, but I was already familiar with the concept. I'd read enough psychology studies to know that people who spend a lot of time feeling "watched" or worrying what others think are more neurotic and have more mental health problems. (In fact, the first time I heard the term "microaggression" was in the context of, "People who are more sensitive to microaggressions, as measured by feeling watched in stores, etc., are more likely to have depression and anxiety issues." I never read the study, though, so take it with a grain of salt, as this is based on my memory of a lecture I attended seven years ago.)
Just because I get checked out a lot doesn't mean that I'm so aware of what other people might be thinking about me that I notice or care. I don't constantly walk around thinking about who might be victimizing me. No way, man. I'm way too present to be worryied about that. I'm way too busy appreciating everyday miracles -- clouds and birds and the beauty of imperfection and the kindness of strangers -- to concern myself with such things. Even a scene like this one --
a gross bus station bathroom with puppies sleeping below the urinal -- can have its own kind of beauty. After all, Costa Rica is more that just surf shops and mango trees.
On the same trip, several men told me that I was beautiful -- and that, I did notice. I mean, it's hard not to notice when someone makes eye contact with and addresses me. This often happened at the beach, where I was wearing very little clothing. Which, in a way, makes me more "vulnerable" or whatever.
And while I absolutely support women who view this as threatening or harassing (because in some contexts, it absolutely is), I personally don't see it that way. For example, on one of my last days in Costa Rica, a man on Langosta Beach and said something to me in passing I didn't quite catch. "What?" I asked him, looking directly into his eyes. "I said you look like a model. You are beautiful." He seemed really sincere. I smiled - what a kind thing for a complete stranger to say. And then I went back to enjoying the sunshine and thinking about the great waves I'd just caught. I was already pumped for my next surf session, and the compliment was already long-since forgotten. *** Want to know more? Check out:
17 Comments
Anonymous
4/26/2016 01:09:16 pm
I think that your height and athleticism might be an important factor here.
Reply
5/14/2016 01:46:19 pm
Hi there,
Reply
Fuck you
3/8/2017 08:21:05 pm
Lol, you come off so conceited in all your articles. I doubt guys flaunt themselves at you. If that's really you in the pictures, then you're one fucking ugly white woman. I'm a white man, and I wouldn't even touch you.
Reply
3/29/2017 12:24:43 pm
Jealous, much? Some (extremely insecure) guys get defensive about women they know would never date them. Sounds like you probably fit the bill.
Reply
Humility, much?
8/11/2017 06:49:25 am
"Even though Some (extremely insecure) guys get defensive about women they know would never date them. Sounds like you probably fit the bill." I've never read such a self serving comment before from a supposed journalist in my many years. 8/11/2017 03:30:11 pm
Dear "Humility, much?",
D
3/29/2017 12:26:12 pm
Most ignorant comment ever made. Get out from behind your keyboard and address the insecurities within yourself instead of attacking others from behind a keyboard. Pathetic.
Reply
D
3/29/2017 12:27:11 pm
That wasn't intended for you Eva, it was intended for the ignoramus above.
Geneva
11/17/2018 01:45:38 pm
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! I laughed at loud your comment for real! These delusional white women thinking their hot sh!t. When is it ever going to end? Talk about being high on an hallucinogen. Thanks for the laugh!
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Roxanna
6/20/2018 12:46:26 pm
I don't know you, but from reading this I have the feeling that you are a very kind-hearted and intelligent person. You seem to have an open mind and I found your advice about having an "abundance attitude" very refreshing. I will try and not care as much what other people think of me and instead look at the people as part of the scenery. Instead of getting annoyed at unwanted male attention, I'll ignore it or enjoy it as if it were just another quirk in my new surroundings. Most women tell me to change the way I look so I don't look as pretty as usual, but why should I have to change the way I look when I enjoy dressing up and being pretty? Instead of changing the environment (or the superficial), I should look deeper and change my mindset instead. Thank you, Eva, for your advice. I hope to read more of your articles soon.
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penny
7/29/2021 07:44:49 am
An old post, but still a valid topic. The article is useless. The writer is either very young, or not used to constant attention. If you get constant attention it sucks! I wish men and woman would stop it! I often miss bus stops because strangers do not stop talking to me, or do not let me leave, or - creeps- even follow me. I have a life people! I have places to go and things to do! Just because you see a beautiful woman walking somewhere you have no right to talk her up, stare at her with your evil eye, or stop her from what she is doing or where she is going! We are not prey! Most people, men and woman alike, are extremely inconsiderate to beautiful woman/girls! This needs to stop! It is not a compliment, it is just plain f*ing annoying and downright rude! Disliking attention is not a lack of self-esteem, it may just mean someone just wants to be left alone. How would you like it, if you can’t go about your daily life, because there is always some creep around some corner trying to get your attention and distracting you from where you need to go, or what you need to do? It might be fun when you get attention once in a year at a special event, but if you cannot leave the house without being annoying by strangers, believe me it gets old fast! I know a lot of former models that have regular office jobs now, and we all look forward to aging in the hope that the constant annoying attention, and disruptions of our lives by others, stop! Some even put on a lot of weight in order to make this harassment stop. Putting on weight does not help. These girls are still beautiful and are still harassed. It is a shame! We try to make ourselves ugly in public, we wear little to no makeup, hair undone, flat shoes, no reviling cloth, a.o. and we still get the daily evil eye by strangers, get talked up wherever we go , get stopped from leaving the bus, and get frequently sexually harassed at work. Unattractive woman have huge advantages! Only unattractive woman enjoy attention, because they are not used to it. I do not need a guy to buy me a drink in a bar! I do not go to bars and if I did, I could pay for my drink myself you idiots! I need men and woman to leave me alone, so I can get on in peace with my life, without your attention and you disturbing me. This is how really beautiful woman think! We are tired of your attention! Stop it! Do not talk us up, do not harass us anywhere and stop staring at us! We do not exist for your personal entertainment. God did not make us beautiful so you can stare at us and harass or annoy us! We are human beings just like you and have a life that you are interfering with if you stop us, harass us, catcall us or annoy us. Reserve your evil stare for when you look at yourself in a mirror!
Reply
7/29/2021 07:57:05 am
Bro -- if you're missing the bus because guys won't leave you alone, you need to work on your assertiveness. I obviously wouldn't have written this article if I didn't get constant attention from dudes (and, at times, women). You accuse me of being "young," which I am, but you don't have the social and assertiveness skills to tell a dude, "Excuse me, that's my bus," so I'm not sure you're in a position to criticize.
Reply
7/29/2021 08:06:08 am
>> "Just because you see a beautiful woman walking somewhere you have no right to talk her up, stare at her with your evil eye, or stop her from what she is doing or where she is going!" 7/29/2021 08:13:43 am
>> "Only unattractive woman enjoy attention, because they are not used to it."
Lori
9/2/2021 06:49:16 pm
Thank you Penny for saying this. I can totally relate. The older I get, the more angry I am. And the louder I get in public with men who have staring problems. I've gone TOTAL PSYCHO many times. If they thought I was pretty on the outside, they're about to get a full dose of ugly. 9/4/2021 11:00:40 am
Lori, 7/29/2021 08:16:12 am
>> "I need men and woman to leave me alone, so I can get on in peace with my life, without your attention and you disturbing me."
Reply
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Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power. Read more >
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