That Overused Comic About "Double Standards" Actually Means the OPPOSITE Of What Dudes Think It Does

This stupid comic! Three different people posted this on my social media this morning in  unrelated discussions about "unfair double standards."

Which is why I feel morally obligated to inform you: if you actually look at it, this comic means the opposite of what you think it does. 

What you think it means, after a quick and sloppy glance, is that "it's only creepy if the guy isn't hot."

However, if you actually look at the comic, the message is quite clear: 

FLIRTING IS ONLY FUN WHEN IT IS RECIPROCATED. 

In the first image, Susan is delighted that the man is flirting with her. They have a great energy. They're making great eye contact and smiling at each other. Her shoulders are squared more towards him, and less towards her computer. 

In the second image, Susan looks disgusted and horrified. Her body is squared to her computer, because she is working and clearly doesn't want to be interrupted. And some dude that she clearly isn't into is complimenting her body. 

The comic clearly and accurately points out, if you continue flirting with a coworker who isn't interested in you, it is sexual harassment.

This isn't a "double standard" — it's common sense. Flirting is only fun when it is mutual and reciprocated. Otherwise, it's creepy at best. 

Moreover, as I wrote in "Creepy" Isn't About Attractiveness. It's About Reciprocity, anyone who claims that "the exact same same behavior" is acceptable when an attractive man does it, but is "creepy" or "harassment" when an unattractive man does it, is completely ignoring the woman's agency in this interction.

Women aren't chatbots. They don't have programmed responses for identical phrases. They have agency. They have preferences. They have situational awareness. They are not the passive recipients of male action. 

If a woman finds a man attractive, then his flirting behavior is NOT identical to that of a man the woman doesn't find attractive. The attractive man is engaging in a mutual and fun flirtation. The unattractive man is creepily hitting on someone who isn't interested. 

(And, as a side note: ​If a Girl You Were Hitting On Was Rude to You, It's Probably Your Fault.)

I mean — look at poor Susan! 

Imagine if you made that face at someone and he just kept gushing about your body and hitting on you — almost as though he didn't give a shit he was making you uncomfortable. 

So what is an unattractive man to do? Here is some advice I shared in What Men Don't Understand When They Complain, "It's Only Creepy If The Guy Isn't Hot":
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A decent rule of thumb is, "If you're not SURE the answer is yes, don't ask her out."

In July 2017, Ashton Kutcher, an American actor and investor, was berated on Twitter for trying to start a conversation about rules for dating in the workplace. 

Which is absolutely ridiculous. It's a perfectly valid question. If we don't discuss "clear red lines" and rules for dating at work, we spread ignorance and fear. Male and female employees may become afraid to interact with one another. Women may miss out on opportunities to discuss promotions and raises, because their bosses are afraid to have a closed-door meeting with them. Bosses may fear asking employees out for a drink to discuss a project, for fear this could be interpreted wrong. 

And, of course, women (and men) could get hurt, by both malicious and well-meaning colleagues. 

We should absolutely be discussing the rules for dating (and even friendships) at work. 

I don't have a great, all-encompassing answer. But the advice I gave one friend recently when he wondered whether or not he should ask out a woman he works with was, "You should only ask if you know the answer is going to be yes."

How do you know the answer is going to be yes? 

You spend time talking to each other at work. You feel a certain mutual energy -- not a one-way physical attraction. It's obvious to you that she likes you and would want to go on a date with you.

If you don't know she would say yes, you either need to practice developing your social skills or get over this girl. Because either you don't have the social savvy to stay out of trouble, or you're asking because of wishful thinking.

And she shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable and objectified by some creepy dude she doesn't even like just because you were too lazy or emotional to examine and correctly interpret the interactions. 

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Here is more advice, shared by Joe in the comments of the aforementioned post:
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I think many men on here are missing a key piece of puzzle that will help them understand this apparent double standard a little better: Complimenting any part of a person's body or attractiveness when you don't know them is considered socially unacceptable. This goes for all genders. A similar situation would be how a person may be okay with a friend criticizing their weight but would be insulted if a stranger did it.

Now my fellow men, before you flame me for that observation, note that I'm not saying that it is illegal, nor am I saying it is sexual harassment. I'm simply pointing out that the behaviour is considered a social faux pas. You are more than welcome to exercise your right to free speech to approach a woman and tell her you think she is beautiful, but she is likewise entitled to decide how to respond to that.

You see, the thing is, if you choose to do this, you are the one breaking social convention. I know that the attractive guy is equally guilty of breaking this social convention, and so I can see why it may seem tempting to say that it is unfair that both guys don't end up with the same "punishment", but dating is not a court of law; there are no set penalties for social infractions. Social interaction is complicated, and women are not chat robots spitting out generic and predictable responses. Also, if a person does overstep and causes offence, then the other person always has the right to choose to forgive them; would you not agree?

This is what is really happening. Both guys are in the wrong, but more attractive men have realized that many women will often forgive their transgression, and so they go for it anyway, risking the consequences. This is why Eva is advising you to avoid this kind of social risk taking at work, save it for the bar.

Obviously flirting is more likely to be mutual when a man is attractive — especially when it comes to someone you've just met or don't know well. 

If all I know about you is what you look like, what can I judge you by except what you look like? 

So if you consider yourself to be unattractive, then obviously your approach to flirting needs to be different from that of a man who is considered attractive. 

Is life fair? No. 

But are women attracted to men who constantly whine about how life isn't fair?

Also no.

Women are not attracted to men who feel like helpless victims. Women are not attracted to men who feel less control over the world around them than a child. If you're not getting anywhere with women, there's a decent chance that your helpless attitude — which is going to show, whether you discuss it with her or not — is the real reason why.

So accept that you look how you look — then take control. (Again, no woman is attracted to helplessness.) Work on your social skills. Work on paying attention to women's social cues and responses to your flirting. Take the time to get to know someone before you compliment her body or indicate you want to have sex with her. Be patient. You might want to check out The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, as it will help you learn some of the charisma other people use in social situations.

And remember: the idea that women are chatbots who are obligated to treat you a certain way, whether they find you attractive or not, is, itself, a very creepy idea. Obliterate it from your mind and remember that women are people, just like men.