The last place I ever expected my writing to get shared... was incel forums. The Happy Talent is about taking accountability and making changes to self-improve. Incel forums are about whining like little boys and blaming women for all your flaws and shortcomings.
In particular, these man-children complain that I say things like, "Here are actionable steps to not seem creepy," and, "No means no."
Nevertheless, I have faith that at least some of these guys actually want to do better. Stop acting creepy. Find love.
Which is why today's lesson is: if a girl you were hitting on was rude to you, it's probably your fault.
Incel types love complaining about how women are ruthlessly cruel when unattractive men have the nerve to speak to them. And I'm sure that a tiny minority of women are unnecessarily mean to men they're not attracted to. That sucks. Guess what? Some guys are unnecessarily mean, too. They even do things like catcall, intimidate, and assault women.
But you can't live your whole life fearing this tiny number of women.
Because the vast majority of people are kind. The vast majority of women want to be seen as polite -- and therefore, are inclined to let you down gently, whether through an apologetic, "I have a boyfriend," or through nonverbal signals of disinterest.
I am all for women being more direct and verbal with their feelings and intentions. I've written multiple posts advising women how to feel more comfortable screaming NO in a guy's face, demanding that a man get his hand off her knee, and confronting someone for inappropriate behaviors, even in public.
But if you want to ever have a girlfriend, then you need to learn how to pay attention to women's cues, verbal and nonverbal. If you don't, all women will hate you and think you are creepy.
Because of your bad behavior and lack of social skills, a polite, "No thanks," is going to turn into an angry, "LEAVE. ME. ALONE." Then you're going to scurry back to your little forum to cry about how cruel and mean and unfair women are to you, all because you have narrow shoulders or whatever.
Let me share a recent example to illustrate the point.
I'm a musician, and I played in a showcase this week. Because the show was about an hour away from where most of my friends live, I didn't invite anyone to the show or bring along a roadie.
Meaning I showed carrying my guitar; a handbag containing two harmonicas (a Fender in A and a Hohner in G), a harmonica neck holder, a Tascam audio recorder, and a mug of licorice root tea; a tripod; and a Sony a7III.
Before my set, I still had to tune, set up the audio recorder, set up the camera, and get everything I'd need on stage (harmonicas, tea, set list, capo), on stage. I had to get my soundhole pickup in my Guild, speak with the sound engineer -- and, who knows? Maybe even brush my hair or mentally run through some of my songs before the show.
Without me having to say or nonverbally indicate anything, it should have been obvious that I was quite busy as I moved from tripod to tripod to soundboard to my handbag full of things, or as I fussed with the pickup and the tuner.
This guy I don't even know keeps getting in my way, trying to make small talk.
"Oh! You play guitar! Are you performing tonight?"
"Yes," I said, smiling, as I headed to the stage, "And I hope you'll stick around! But I've got to finish setting up."
Two seconds later: "So, what do you like to do for fun?"
"This. Music. Excuse me."
And I hurry off to complete another task.
Two more seconds later:
"Do you work around here?"
"No, I just surf here," I replied, turning away.
"What kind of music do you play?"
"You'll see in five minutes, won't you?"
"So are you from California, or did you move here?"
Looking up from my tuner, I'd finally had enough.
"Can you leave me alone? I'm busy."
I'm sure the story from his perspective is, "Oh! I was just being nice to her, and she was such an evil bitch to me!"
But the reality of the situation is, I was not "rude." HE was. I tried being nice SEVERAL TIMES before finally telling him, "Leave me alone."
Had he backed off when I told him, "I've got to finish setting up," I'd have nothing to complain about.
I'm not mad he approached me. I'm not mad that someone to whom I wasn't physically attracted tried to make polite conversation with me. It's not because I'm "so out of his league" and "how dare he think I might be interested in him," as the incels would have you think.
It's why couldn't this guy take a hint?
It's why was this guy so rude to me?
It's how could someone be so inconsiderate?
Most women are not mean. Some are. But in the majority of cases, I suspect if a woman was "rude" to you, it was your fault.
Reflect upon the encounter and the moments leading up to it -- then do better next time.
I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think there is hope for you.
If you need a few reading recommendations to get you started, try:
And remember: social skills are just that. Skills. You can improve them by focusing on developing them and being more mindful in future interactions.
About the Author
Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power. Read more >
Want to support The Happy Talent? CLICK HERE!
Or Find me on Patreon!
What's Popular on The Happy Talent:
Trending in Dating and Relationships:
What's Popular in Science:
Playfulness and Leisure Skills:
Popular in Psychology and Social Skills: