The Everyday Feminism Guide to Inclusive Party Planning: A 10,000-Point Checklist

2/5/2016

Parties are the best! I love karaoke parties and Half New Year's Parties and New Month's Eve parties and Releasing the Spirit of Christmas Back Into the Air parties and Playing Guitar Around a Campfire parties and Outrageously Fun Ski and Snowboarding Game parties. To name a few.

But according to Everyday Feminism (which, I've written, is a joke), I have been planning my parties all wrong. And, probably, so have you. But by using this convenient 10,000-point checklist, you can make sure your party is inclusive to everyone and doesn't accidentally hurt anyone's feelings. (See also: Why I Dressed as Microaggressions for Halloween.)

If you look really closely, you can find something offensive about it!

FIRST OF ALL, according to 6 Great Moves to Throwing a More Accessible Party, your party must "include people with mobility impairments, people of a sensory minority, people who are neurodivergent, people who experience psychic difference or mental illness, people with emotional disabilities, people with chronic illness, chronic fatigue, and/or chronic pain."

If you don't know what half the words on that list meant -- don't worry. I'm smart, and I didn't either.

Although the article claims to list "6" great moves, it actually lists over 41 of them, including (almost verbatim) these:

Is your event small enough that you can "work with the specific access needs of who you are inviting to your party"?
Have you reviewed the space to assure they’ll be able to accommodate multiple different kinds of bodies, and various kinds of abilities?
Have you reached out to your community to see what people in your community want and need?
Have you "assessed your budget and the affordability of modifications"?
Have you made sure there are no stairs at the entrance of the venue? ("First impressions are everything.")
Have you checked to make sure the door to the bathroom is wide enough for a wheelchair?
Have you made sure there is enough turning radius in the stalls for the chair to turn and shut the door, leaving room for the person to turn and transfer from the chair?
Have you made sure there are grab bars in the stall?
Have you made sure there is fragrance-free soap in the bathroom for people with scent sensitivities?
If there is not fragrance-free soap, have you provided your own, fragrance-free soap?
Have you made a sign indicating that guests should use your fragrance-free soap instead of the one provided by the venue?
Have you made sure that the smoking area is far enough away from the party that the smoke won't make the party inaccessible to those with smoke sensitivities or respiratory conditions?
Have you made sure the smoking area is wheelchair accessible?
Is there seating and an area away from the noise that is smoke-free?
Have you written instructions to all of your guests on how they can make the party more accessible -- in a way that is a "fun part of the party"?
Have you included all accessibility information that you have about your party theme, activities, and location?
Have you set a cap for your party that is lower than the official "capacity" of the venue, allowing room to provide an accessible environment to multiple kinds of people?
Have you forbidden your guests from wearing fragrances to your party?
Have you assigned someone to stand at the door and sniff guests on arrival -- and ask folks who are wearing chemical fragrance to leave? (I'm not joking. This is really something the article says to do.)
Alternatively, have you set up a station with white vinegar, baking soda, or unscented Dr. Bronner’s (or other shampoo) in which guests who fail the "sniff test" can wash scents off their skin or hair?
If your event features a performance, have you established a "scented seating and fragrance-free seating far away from each other"?
Have you provided seating for people who can't stand or dance for long?
Are the chairs "light/portable/wheeled so that a person could take a chair where they would like it to go in the room"?
Have you considered throwing a daytime party, instead, for "folks who need to go to bed early and or have chronic fatigue, folks with varying degrees of blindness, and Deaf folks (in order to read lips or watch a sign language interpreter)"?
Are the lights too bright? Shy people don't like bright lights.
Have you made sure the venue has low, non-fluorescent lighting? (This is "much more accessible for folks with chronic pain and neuroatypical experiences involving migraines.")
Have you made sure the venue does NOT have low, non-fluorescent lighting? (This isn't very accessible for people with vision impairments.)
Do all movement- or group-based physical activities have multiple ways that they could be engaged with by folks whose bodies move in different ways?
Are the dance floor or bar up a flight of stairs?
Are all games playable by people who are seated, as well as those who cannot stand up or run?
Are all instructions written in extra large font?
Are all foods and activities placed low enough that someone in a chair could reach them?
Have you hired an ASL interpreter for your event?
Have you prepared your interpreter with a general transcript of the event so they are prepared?
If there is a visual component to your party, can you hire an audio describer to describe what is happening visually?
Have you "designated at least three access support folks who are prepared to be of support or assistance at any given time"?
Has your access team made themselves apparent and available to party guests?
Has your access team pledged to remain sober and emotionally present the entire party?
Have you informed your guests in writing and announced on the day of the event that "oppressive behavior of any kind will not be tolerated"?
Have your and your volunteers agreed upon protocol for how to respond to "any given situation"? ANY given situation???!!!
Have you made yourself available for feedback online and in-person, in case you were "incidentally ableist" and "need to be called out"?

Throwing a party is a delicate balancing act.

Whew! Great. So now that you've got that checked off... let's talk about the theme of your party.

According to Everyday Feminism, there are many themes you should avoid, including:

Era-themed parties that take place before the 1960s, which are "awkward and exclusive for guest of color."

Halloween parties. Costumes have too much potential to hurt peoples' feelings. Best to avoid this one. Best to avoid even attending one -- someone could post a photo of you standing next to someone who is dressed as a Mexican, and next thing you know, people are demanding that you resign from student council for a costume you didn't even wear!
Performances of the Vagina Monologues. Students at Mount Holyoke College recently decided that this classic feminist play is "not inclusive" enough of transgender people. Even though it's not called The Woman Monologues. It's specifically called The Vagina Monologues. As in, people with vaginas. It's a play about people with vaginas. Just like The Martian is a movie about people who go to Mars. (Full disclosure: EF has been silent on this issue, so I don't know for sure exactly where they stand. But it really wouldn't surprise me.)
Networking events. Because networking is for "entitled, upper middle-class white people." (Even though the girl this particular rant is about runs a feminist blog, is active in progressive politics, and majored in African Studies.)

Additionally, be careful what kind of music you choose to listen to at your party!

Taylor Swift is "problematic," because she "exemplifies white feminism." After all, she "appropriated" culture by featuring black hip hop dancers in the Shake It Off video; she "thinks partner violence is cute in some contexts" (apparently EF missed the whole, T-Swift is standing up against sexism in the media with this total major fuck-you video); her love interests -- both in her videos and in real life -- "are all straight, cis, able-bodied, fit, middle-to-upper class, white dudes"; "most of her friends are thin, rich, beautiful and white women"; and she filmed a video in Africa once.

Selena Gomez. She's not white, but she "perpetuates white feminism."
Iggy Azalea. White people shouldn't perform hip hop music unless they're active enough in the Black Lives Matter movement.
Macklemore. White savior complex.
Katy Perry. Cultural appropriator.
Miley Cyrus. In spite of being one of the most charitable celebrities of 2014, she is also a cultural appropriator.
Adele. Cultural appropriator.
Joss Stone. Cultural appropriator.
Sam Smith. Expressed hurt, shock and outrage on Twitter when he witnessed overt racism.

The list goes on.

Now. Let's talk about food and drinks. As I wrote in a recent post, Everyday Feminism warns that:

1. "Asian-style" or "Asian fusion" food is racist.
2. Calling food "exotic," "ethnic" or "authentic," is racist.
3. Eating food from a different culture without understanding the culture's full history and traditions, is racist.
4. Eating food from a culture that experienced colonization is racist -- especially if the food in question is a "fusion" of the colonizer's culture and the colonized culture.
5. Thinking you're adventurous for trying a foreign new food is racist.
6. If you love Mexican food but don't care about labor or immigration issues, you're a racist.

So keep this in mind as you plan your party menu -- and make sure you do some research on the history of all the foods you will be serving.

***

Obviously, I'm not 100% serious. I do think that these articles touch on some good points. It's better to be inclusive than it is to be exclusive.

But if you seriously think that I need to have a "sniffer" at the door sniffing all my guests and forcing them to wash their hair, skin and clothes in a bowl or leave my party... you're out of your f***ing mind!

If I showed up at a party and someone tried to sniff me, I would leave! Have you considered that I might have personal boundaries that I don't want violated? That I don't want random people sniffing my neck, armpits, hair, and who knows what else, on the off chance that someone at the party might maybe have a scent sensitivity?

If you seriously think that it makes sense for someone to do everything on this checklist in order to accommodate your disability... maybe you need to rethink your own perspective. Yeah, it sucks that you have a disability. But guess what? People don't have unlimited budgets. They don't have unlimited amounts of time to go inspect bathrooms and make sure the venue simultaneously does and does not have low, non-fluorescent lighting. And people can't read minds.

Instead of expecting everyone to do all this stuff all the time, just in case... why don't you just try using your words? After all, as Neve Be wrote in her post,

Unfortunately, ableism still comes close to last, if not last, on the lists of isms to wipe from the club kid circuit. I still find myself writing on Facebook events and messaging people to ask for the access info of parties, performances, and community events to be listed.

To which I say:

What do you think takes longer, Neve? You asking your host if a specific venue/plan meets specific accessibility needs (or even -- imagine this! -- calling the bar/restaurant/hotel ahead of time and asking them yourself!)... or you asking every host of every party to preemptively do all "6" of the things you wrote about in your article, in case someone attending their party has a disability?

In a perfect world, yes, every party would be totally inclusive. But some parties can't be inclusive -- whether because of time and money constraints, or because of hosts' inability to predict each and every need of people at the party. If something isn't perfectly accessible and inclusive... maybe it's your fault for not telling them about your wants/needs ahead of time.

Maybe instead of "calling them out" for not being perfect, you should thank them for trying. And, you know. For organizing and planning and paying for the party.

13 Comments

Julia

2/8/2016 02:44:10 pm

Eva, I've been following your blog for a bit and I like a lot of what you have to say. But lately, I've been really disappointed by what feels like an endless diatribe against various articles posted on feminist websites. Usually you kind of have a good point, but it's sometimes buried in such negative, hyperbolic criticisms that I really have to work at finding it.

Like this post, for example. No one's forcing you to do anything. You are free to throw whatever kind of party you want. If someone posted an article called "6 great moves to flatten your stomach" I doubt you would feel the need to respond with so much ire, no matter how unfeasible their workout plan was. And yet, accessibility seems like a far loftier goal than a beach body, n'est-ce pas? I appreciate it more when you dedicate your time to creating the kind of feminist discourse that you would like to hear more of rather than attacking other people who are sharing information or complaining (albeit in a way that bugs you) about some legitimately fucked up stuff like institutionalized sexism and racism? From what you've expressed in your blog, it seems like a lot of these systems of oppression just don't affect you that much. Have you ever considered that some feminist writers simply aren't talking to you? Both approaches have value - we need people talking about how they have been affected by these systems and also people talking about how they have avoided being affected by them. I find myself wanting to respond to other posts you've written, so I'll stop there to keep on topic, but if you want to talk about this more, I'm around.

P.S. There's no need to be snarky about people using words you're not familiar with. I hardly see how that's a bad thing.

Eva Glasrud link

2/8/2016 06:18:18 pm

Thanks for taking the time to comment. Let me explain my reasoning behind some of the posts I've written in response to feminist websites recently.

In Everyday Feminism is a Joke and No One Should Ever Read It, I talked about how discourse is important. the trend of silencing, censoring, disinviting and blocking people who disagree with us is a dangerous trend -- and while I used my experience being blocked by EF as the headline (which I thought was preposterous, since I am very much a feminist), I also gave examples of groups and even "scientists" who do the same thing. When I wrote the post, I expected it to get a few hundred views, and that would be that. But it ended up being a huge source of traffic for my site, because a LOT of people who identify as feminists have been blocked by EF, simply because they disagreed with EF. The sheer number of visits and google search terms and messages I've received from feminists who weren't "feminist enough" for EF was alarming to me. The response got me thinking about how social media "should" be run. Because I think the approach EF (and the others mentioned in my post) takes is irresponsible.

I also wrote a post called The Orgasm Gap is Real - But Don't Blame It On The Patriarchy (www.thehappytalent.com/blog/-the-orgasm-gap-is-real-but-dont-blame-it-on-the-patriarchy). It was in direct response to a piece on Feministing (http://feministing.com/2016/01/19/what-i-would-have-said-to-you-last-night-had-you-not-cum-and-then-fallen-asleep/) that basically claimed that the reason women have fewer orgasms than men is because the patriarchy defines sex in a very male-centric way. I believe that this can be true in some cases -- but I was also very disappointed (even angry!) that a supposedly feminist website would publish something that paints women in such a helpless, passive, disempowered way. I responded after not one, not two, but three different people mentioned this article to me and asked my thoughts on it.

The other thing that really bothered me about the Feministing piece was that it took a very anti-scientific view on orgasms. It claimed that it's not harder for women to orgasm than men. This is not only false -- but also potentially harmful. If a pre- or an-orgasmic woman (or even just a woman who routinely struggles to orgasm) read that and took it to heart, she might end up asking herself, "What is wrong with me? If the problem isn't biological, it means that the problem is psychological -- or that I am doing something wrong. But I've tried everything!" I don't know enough about orgasms to say whether or not every woman is capable or having one... But I know enough that I think is is misleading and harmful to deny the difference between male and female orgasms.

The more I thought about it, the more troubled and angry I felt about the piece. I wanted to write something -- not to be snarky about Feministing, but to be empowering and inspiring to women. I wanted to talk about agency, control and communication. I wanted to give direct examples and actionable suggestions for women to feel more autonomy in their sex lives.

The only other post I've written that is directly in response to something I read on a feminist website is this one. Perhaps I didn't do a good enough job of expressing the mixed feelings I had about writing it. It did feel a little mean-spirited, and that wasn't the point. I think a lot of this post was reasonable. Accessibility is a good thing. But I also think that if accessibility is such a big problem, in spite of ADA requirements, then the burden of correction should be on the venues, not party hosts. If legal requirements aren't sufficient for disabled peoples' needs, then the requirements need to be changed. I should reasonably be able to expect that an "accessible" venue should meet the requirements of different bodies and abilities. In the midst of planning my graduation party (you know, while preparing my thesis defense, finishing up my written thesis, and doing my research), birthday party (while also putting in extra hours at work and vying for that promotion) or wedding (which is hard enough as it is), asking me to do all these extra steps, just in case, is a bit much.

Additionally, I love 1920s-themed parties, so I really hate to admit that the post about era-themed parties makes sense. I also have friends who suffer from chronic fatigue or other conditions that make it hard for them to attend certain events, and I definitely want those people to feel included. But asking me to complete this list of 40+ things -- just in case? What would be the problem with simply communicating with your host?

I also didn't like how the author said that people whose events are accidentally not accommodating enough -- even after putting in ALL that effort! -- "need to be called out." What happened to appreciating the thought? What happened to basic human communication skills? If you have a need or want, why can't you just tell/ask me ah

2/8/2016 06:35:31 pm

Hm. Apparently there's a character limit to these comments... Here's the rest of my previous comment:

Why can't you just ask/tell me ahead of time? I'm not wild about this culture of never almost accidentally offending anyone and magically being able to predict everyone's needs. Just talk! Just use your words!

Re: words I don't recognize. You have to admit that the "acceptable" words are changing really quickly, and even the most well-meaning people struggle to keep up. When you make a mistake and accidentally say the wrong thing, though, people "call you out." EF has a special word for people who accidentally use the wrong word: "white/cis/ableist/etc. ignorance." And according to them, "your lack of awareness doesn't absolve you of responsibility." It's very confrontational and accusatory language to use for a simple mistake. (And, for what it's worth, while most of the terms are pretty self-explanatory, I still haven't been able to determine what a "psychic difference" is.)

I don't think I've written responses to any other feminist websites other than these.

Again, I appreciate your feedback. I think it is valuable to hear the opinions of those who disagree with you -- it makes you think a lot harder than hearing opinions that do agree with yours. You touched on some really interesting ideas. In particular, I was intrigued by what you said about the two different approaches to feminism, and why both are valuable. If you ever feel like expanding on that (or another) idea, please let me know! I'd be interested in publishing it, even if I don't necessarily agree with every word :)

2/9/2016 10:01:38 pm

Oh, my goodness. So much to talk about here and so little time. For now I'll just say thanks for responding to my comment, and yes, those were exactly the posts I was referring to.

And real quick: I was also not familiar with the term "psychic difference" but after 5 minutes on google, I think I have a pretty good idea judging from the contexts in which it's used. It sounds like it's a term used instead of "mental illness" in order to avoid the stigma and negative connotation of the latter term. I think the Icarus Project would probably be a good resource for more information about that. I could put the question out on Facebook to get a more solid definition.

2/20/2016 03:43:23 pm

I spent a few minutes Googling, too, but didn't come up with anything useful. I'd love to hear if you learn anything more about it :)

Brandi

8/31/2016 11:03:21 pm

Wow these people are a bunch of losers, no one has time for all that crap when planing a party.

And Adele a cultural appropriater? How incredibly stupid. She sings well written pop songs to a piano, how the hell is that cultural appropriation? These people are just grasping at straws, because they hate any popular white woman.

And notice the list doesn't include Justin Timberlake as a cultural appropriater, yet he has spent his whole career copying soul, r&b, rap, hip hop music. They list macklemore, yet he isn't listed as a cultural cultural appropriater. I fail to see how iggy azalea is anymore of a cultural appropriater that macklemore.

It's obvious they hate any popular white female celebrity and are set on trashing white women as much as possible.

How can they call themselves feminist when they are putting down other women for the stupidest things? I'll never understand.

Brent

10/13/2016 06:45:48 am

When I heard the phrase that someone is suffering from a "psychic difference" I thought that they were picking on the Romany Gypsy's....they did get quite a bit of flak in World War II. #precognitiveabilitiesmatter

Kat

10/29/2016 09:21:19 am

What's really funny is their complaints about a twenties theme party -- have these idiots never head of the Harlem Renaissance?

Samantha

11/13/2016 09:20:36 pm

Seriously--this post made my whole life amazing. I am a feminist woman of color and I can't fucking STAND Everyday Feminism. They are a great example of what happens when you write bullshit just to generate content under the guise of critical analysis. Every article feels so phony and demonstrates exactly WHY everyone is exhausted by this whole fucking movement.

Every article is basically like, "62 ways to ensure your non-binary, neurodiverse cat doesn't fat-shame you." Seriously, I hate-read their pieces every day because I can't believe how horrible their writers are.

Some articles are good (like only a handful) and the rest are complete shit. Their videos are even worse--they have vloggers who suddenly assume they are gender theorists simply because they're trans. Like...wtf. The level of analysis is s-o-o-o-o-o-o low.

These types of activists don't ever want the oppressive systems to fall because then they wouldn't know how to define themselves anymore.

I am so glad you wrote this post. I have been spending time on google trying to find other feminists who can't stand that shit hole.

I should write an article to express my gratitude, "72,000 ways this article just made my whole week...and why you shouldn't be racist towards your neurodiverse cousin."

This is gold.

Liz

12/1/2016 11:48:34 am

This comment is (hilarious) gold. Rest assured there are tons of us out there who cannot stand Everyday Feminism!

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Zeph

6/11/2017 03:33:37 am

More good points, Eva.

EF is really deep into victimhood culture. Now first off let's say up front that there really are victims and they deserve sympathy and support. Our tendency to be extra accomodating to those weaker is a wonderful part of being human, when it happens.

However the victimhood culture is about exploiting that sympathy to the maximum degree possible. It teaches people to exaggerate and hang onto every possible real or imagined slight and to constantly play themselves as a morally superior victim whom others must defer to. In this culture, actually healing or becoming self-confident or learning to creatively compensate for disadvantages are to be avoided, as they dilute ones case for controlling others.

I see constantly around me evidence that who we are is very dependent on what stories we latch onto, what we tell ourselves and others about us and our world. (This observation does not go to any extremes about completely creating our own reality, it's about how we influence it). Constantly harping on how fragile we are, and how others need to accomodate us, is NOT the path towards empowerment, and self respect.

It's sad to see empowerment devolve to "how to aggressively call out people who do not sufficiently conform to your desires". Shaming is a dangerous tactic to over-rely upon as a way to get your preferences enforced, because it's way too easy for somebody to numb out their empathy when they feel it has been unfairly exploited - and teaching people to numb out their empathy in self defense does not create a better world.

One of the big psychological appeals of Trump was his not being politically correct; his supporters were willing to set aside many of their red flags about him - because at least he's not PC, and they are sick to death with being guilt tripped by political correctness. That approach (guilt vs empathy) is losing traction in the overall population, and it's success in hyper-liberal islands (like campuses) gives people a false sense that they can control the world that way forever - which backfires and takes with it many of the true humanitarian gains we have gotten from empathy and strength. When confronted by people angry at PC manipulation, the extreme advocates think they can benefit by doubling down on the same tactic and laying it on ever thicker, and don't understand how much they are shooting themselves in the foot. If you are outraged at the drop of a hat, then people stop paying attention to your outrage, tune you out - even when there's something which is TRULY outrageous (like many things Trump does).

It's extremely important that we not leave the opposition to this madness to the right wing, to use in expanding their causes. Feminists, progressive and classical liberal need to make clear that EF and that thread of PC do not speak for us, and our progressive causes are not such self-parodies. You do a good job of pointing out what the unwittingly terrible messages about women (or minorities, etc) these PC framings often conceal - in direct contradiction to the equality and strength messages we've been promoting for decades.

6/11/2017 03:48:09 am

"Have you informed your guests in writing and announced on the day of the event that "oppressive behavior of any kind will not be tolerated"?"

Great idea! It would let me know that it's a party to be skipped at all costs. Since "oppressive behavior" is so often in the mind of the beholder, this is about as safe as going to a party where you are told in advance that ugly/old/non-buff/unhip people will be shamed. Sharpen your "how to frame interactions such that other people are the real oppressors and you are the true victim" skills and jump in. No thanks, I'll happily pass.

Luckily most of my friends are thoughtul and compassionate liberals and not knee-jerk PC police. We do try to accomodate varied needs, but not so slavishly that we lose genuine human connection and auththenticity. One of the agreements we make in one of our groups is "I will take 100% responsibility for the quality of my experience" and that has make for a much healthier community where we can be caring about each other without feeling exploited. We encourage people to express interpersonal tensions as I statements, rather than try to invoke asserted violations of tribal norms as a way to get our needs met. Wow, it works amazingly better!

The Everyday Feminism Guide to Inclusive Party Planning: A 10,000-Point Checklist

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