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"It is a happy talent to know how to play."

As a solo, female RVer, I am much safer than women who travel with romantic partners.

9/22/2021

14 Comments

 
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#VanLife is in the news this week, for all the wrong reasons — a beautiful, vibrant 22-year-old woman is dead, murdered by her fiance. Body cam footage of a recent police encounter shows a terrified, distraught female and a calm, charismatic male discussing their domestic issues with police. 
 
When the footage was released, half the internet thought that Gabby​ had "serious mental issues," and that Brian was her poor, patient, caring partner.

And now, she is dead. 

I am also a female RVer — though I drive a large fifth wheel, not a van (I hate vans with a fiery passion), and I am solo — so, of course, people have been asking "what I think" or "how I feel" about Gabby's murder. 

Honestly?

As a solo female RVer, I feel statistically much safer than women who travel with male partners.

As I've said so many times, women are trained to live in fear. They're trained to think if they go jogging alone or walk home from a party alone, a strange man will pop out of an alley and attack them.

The reality of the situation is that if someone is going to hurt a woman, it's not going to be a random stranger. It's going to be someone she knows and trusts. A friend. An acquaintance. A boss or co-worker. A classmate or a teacher or an uncle. 

Yes, random attacks by strangers do occasionally happen — and when it does, it's sensationalized all over the news. 

Perhaps this is why women are irrationally afraid of strangers, and irrationally unafraid of their male partners. 

I mean, not that a song is a comprehensive overview of a serious social problem, but in my Halloween song, More Afraid of Men, only one of the villains in the song — the catcaller — is unknown to the woman. All the rest are friends, family, and colleagues. 
, w
Indeed, the CDC analyzed the murders of women in 18 states between 2003-2014, finding a total of 10,018 deaths. Of those, 55% were intimate partner violence-related. Strangers perpetrated only 16% of female homicides — fewer than acquaintances and  slightly more than parents.[1]

In other words, domestic violence is a major cause of death for women.

And people worry about my safety. 

I've been full-time RVing for about a year. Before that, I was full-time tent camping for about four months. In that time, the scariest thing that's happened was the wendigo back in Chequamegon-Nicolet National Forest.

Sure, there was one night when I seriously considered pumping my shotgun to scare off a dude who was pounding on my door and windows in the middle of the night. (I don't answer my door to unannounced strangers in strange cities or forests in the middle of the night. Unless I've ordered a pizza, there is just no good outcome for me in that situation.)

There have also been four times when I opened my door in the morning, and a man was waiting outside for me. One of these men seemed mentally ill, but he might have been some kind of scammer or robber. I don't know. When someone doesn't seem stable, I don't talk to them.

The others, honestly, just seemed clueless. They sincerely didn't seem to realize that a woman might find it creepy for a man to show up at her RV, where she is camping off-the-grid and alone in the woods, early in the morning or late at night, without an invitation, and wait for her. 

This is not my attempt to excuse their creepy behavior. It is not excused. They should not have done it.

But I also think the reason they did it was because they were socially stupid, not because they were trying to hurt or intimidate me. A lot of creepy guys are like that — that's why I've written so many posts trying to help them identify and cease creepy behaviors (see also: Just because you're on the spectrum, doesn't mean you have the RIGHT to be creepy; What Men Don't Understand When They Complain, "It's Only Creepy If The Guy Isn't Hot."; "Creepy" Isn't About Attractiveness. It's About Reciprocity; and ​That Overused Comic About "Double Standards" Actually Means the OPPOSITE Of What Dudes Think It Does.)

In these cases, I can solve the problem simply by being assertive. If you can't be assertive, you can't play. You can't travel. You can't have independence or move freely in the world. It's a valuable skill that almost everyone could benefit from practicing. And it's going to come in a LOT more handy than that pepper spray you keep on your keychain.

"I don't have time to hang out with you today."
"I'm going mountain biking now." 
"You need to go now."
​"You are making me uncomfortable."
"Goodbye."

I'm not the "rude" one in these situations. They are. 

So, no. The Gabby Petito murder hasn't made me feel less safe as a female RVer. In a weird way, it actually makes me feel safer, because it's reminded me of just how much more likely my murder would be if I were traveling with a male partner, instead of on my own. 
14 Comments
Seth Caldwell link
9/23/2021 11:19:11 am

Re: "it's reminded me of just how much more likely my murder would be if I were traveling with a male partner, instead of on my own. "
Do you have any data on that? I lived in a car for a year and felt quite safe, not once did I have a fear someone might break in and rape me. But then, nobody really knew where I parked and I wasn't frequenting gay bars where someone might follow me back to my place of sleep or something. However, death to murder isn't the largest risks to worry about. Simply living alone, what if your appendix bursts and you need someone to drive you to a hospital? Or anything of this nature. I think I would have enjoyed my vanlife better with a partner. I've met https://www.instagram.com/emilymoonking/ and others in the vanlife who have partners and envied the stability and security that surely comes from having a partner. Perhaps you're right that a non-romantic partner would be safer, but I doubt that no partner is safer, number wise.

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Eva Glasrud link
10/29/2021 09:28:03 am

Obviously most boyfriends/husbands don't murder their wives. But most women who are murdered are murdered by boyfriends/husbands. I'm sure most of the couples who are traveling together are not in danger of killing each other. But statistically, I'm not in danger of being murdered by a stranger.

Frankly, though, I feel like being a #vanlifer would be much more dangerous than being a #HugeFifthWheeler in terms of wanting to murder each other. (Joking... but only kinda.)

The data comes from the CDC. The Atlantic has an interesting post on this. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/07/homicides-women/534306/

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Zane
9/25/2021 05:55:21 am

The title would be more accurate if it said "As a solo, female RVer, who isn't picking up a chain of "intimate partners" on my travels, I am much safer than women who travel with romantic partners." Just because you aren't with one guy doesn't mean you are man-free.

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Eva Glasrud link
9/25/2021 07:42:56 am

I think both are accurate. Also accurate: As a solo, female traveler, I'm approximately as likely to be murdered by strangers as I would be by my parents if I brought them on this trip with me.

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Zane M Kenney
9/25/2021 03:46:21 pm

"One" is more likely. Unless your parents are a bit volatile.

Anthony
10/30/2021 12:18:44 am

“Lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes” - RIP Quint. Here’s a stat: “90% of shark attacks happen in shallow water” Why? “Because that’s where the people are, it’s called the beach” - Bill Burr. You’re obviously more likely to get murdered by an intimate partner. Why? Maybe because you don’t have your guard up at home. Stats reduce complex human interaction to data. BTW, great point you made about a van vs a fifth wheel. Having personal space is critical. The ability to retreat to neutral corners or not have to look at each other is key. Cato’s gas is deadly. Whenever he farts for a split second I think about making him sleep outside. I could only imagine how much it would suck in a van. Oh and yes I’m still up at 3am. I spent the last 4 hours brainstorming ways to fabb up a puffin costume. Breakfast manana?




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Eva Glasrud link
10/30/2021 11:51:39 am

We can agree to disagree on this. Murder isn't something that happens randomly. Understanding who murders, and who is murdered, and when and why, is the key to prevention and wise intervention.

Strangers don't murder nearly as much as intimate partners murder. That's why I think it's unwise to spend too much time on self-defense classes that teach you how to gouge out a stranger's eyes. You're not going to be attacked by a stranger. You're not going to need to gouge out anyone's eyes. You're going to be attacked by a friend, boss, or intimate partner. That's the kind of violence women need to be prepared for to maximize their chances of safety.

It's kind of like if, instead of teaching people what to do if they get caught in a rip current, we taught them how to fight a shark. Yes, the idea of a shark attack seems scarier, but we are far more likely to die because of a rip current than a shark.

Glad to hear Cato's gas is as deadly as his bite! LOL :)

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Anthony
11/2/2021 02:00:57 am

Ever wonder why your IG posts receive such little adulation? You post epic pics in legendary locations and get on average 14 “likes”. My guess is, people “follow” you because they’re waiting for you to become a statistic. Why continue to put yourself in risky situations? What if the guy that mounted you brought a friend? What if they had guns? How many rape attempts does the average woman survive? My thought is, you’re a little girl crying out for help. You lack structure and discipline. You’re so desperately seeking validation. When someone tells you about yourself, you run scared. The guy you glanced over at while you were in the balance thing at the wright museum. Who did he represent? Dad? An ex? A professor? A guy in traffic? Why did you need his validation? Or were you waiting for him to tell you to get off the exhibit and comport yourself like a lady? Look back at the video and you’ll see where your big lonely, puppy dog eyes were. Looking right at him…You might have met people like me, but you will never meet another me. My offer still stands. But you need to drop the tough chick routine and “humble” yourself…

Eva Glasrud link
11/2/2021 06:50:46 am

Anthony,

The horrifying thing about you is that when I met you, you seemed totally normal and cool... until you went full psycho. I hope you can recognize that your behavior is sick and you need to stop stalking and obsessing over me.

It is not appropriate or normal to call someone you literally met once for a few hours in a public place at 1am, 2am, 6am, 7am, and 8am. It is not normal to come knock on someone's door and call their name through the windows over and over, even though they have told you they will be working for the rest of the night. Not to mention the constant bitchy text messages demanding that I hurry up and finish my work so I can come entertain you. If you're bored, that's a you problem. I haven't been bored since I was a small child.

I know you thought you could hurt me by making random little insults on the only website I haven't figured out how to block you on. But I'm not bothered by the random insults of a stalker who doesn't even know me -- every word you wrote further underscored your ignorance. "Lost puppy dog eyes." Please, honey. I remember what I have done every day of this whole year, because every day has been legendary and memorable. And, believe it or not, I'm not obsessed with Instagram likes. (If I cared about that, I'd obviously be doing Instagram very differently.) You are a 41-year-old man. You shouldn't be, either. I can't explain the weird obsession you have with the imaginary man I supposedly glanced briefly at at the museum -- that's beyond my purview. But the delusion makes me worry about you.

I don't put myself in dangerous situations. Do you have any idea how many times I've thought to myself over the last two days, "Oh my fucking God. I am SO FUCKING GLAD I did not discuss my travel plans with that guy." Telling you where I was going next would have been the most dangerous thing I have done on this whole trip.

This is the last time I will be responding to you, and it is only to say fuck off and get some help.

anonym link
11/3/2021 12:31:49 pm

I find this dialogue between you and “Anthony”, using the parlance of our times, to be sus.

Honestly Eva, do you really expect anyone to buy this latest contrived drama of yours? Seriously, how many imaginary male personas are you going to invent here? For all those playing along at home lets re-cap here. This is the second time Eva has made up a male persona to try and bolster her views and attract attention. The first time she made up “Joe”, in her diatribe topic on creepiness, because no one was really standing up for her and her views. Especially not any men. So, she invented “Joe” to stand up for her, thinking that “Joe”, would attract more female and male attention to her topics. Sadly, for her, it didn’t quite work out the way she planned. She got no real female attention to her topics with her “Joe” persona because most women viewed “Joe” as some man pretending to be her knight in shining armor in a kind of nice guy ploy to get her affection. She didn’t get the kind of male attention she was hoping for either because most of the men saw right through her phony “Joe” persona and called her out on it.

Now since her topics, including the one I referenced, have languished here without much attention, she has invented yet another male persona. This one, named “Anthony”. This time, however, she has cast the new persona in the role of the stereotype that she has been ranting about, in most of her articles. Just like she did with “Joe”, she waited until her new article stopped getting noticed, then as if on cue “Anthony” posts. First his post is benign and slightly flirty, and Eva responds in similar fashion. It’s a blatant set-up attempt to get both men and women to notice and wonder how the interaction will evolve. Both initial posts indicate that they have allegedly spent time together in person on some sort of date. Then Eva posts as “Anthony” making some vague accusations and implying that he and Eva had some sort of falling out. Then she posts again under her own name blasting the fictional “Anthony” for the very behavior her topic here, was about. Oddly convenient, isn’t it? Arsenio Hall said it best back in the day when he described such coincidence as “A little something to make you go Hmmmm”

Eva, you’ve played yourself out here with these made-up people. No one is buying it anymore and this current contrived drama is even more obvious than your last one with “Joe”. You cannot deceive people into giving you the attention you so desperately crave by making up stories and passing them off as factual. It never works out because eventually someone figures out, you’re lying and then everyone stops paying attention to you. You seem to be suffering from a weird version of Munchausen Syndrome. Where instead of feigning illness to get attention, you are feigning victimhood by imaginary men, and their equally imaginary violence.

For those not in the know, Munchausen Syndrome, is slightly different from the more widely known Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. The by proxy version is when someone hurts someone else in their care to get the attention they crave, the other version, that Eva seems to suffer from, is when someone hurts themselves or pretends to be hurt to get the attention they crave.

It’s seriously time for you to get some help Eva, before you end up hurting yourself to get people to believe your fictional stories.

Eva Glasrud link
11/3/2021 05:20:10 pm

Hello, again, Anonym (/other stalker, apparently -- usually he incels come en masse for one or two days and leave, but it seems you've lingered and continued reading my posts and checking regularly for new comments).

Your obsessive delusions continue to amuse (and worry) me.

The sad thing is, you embrace them, even when reality is thrown in your face.

Joe offered repeatedly to meet with you on Discord. You obviously didn't take him up on that, which at least means you KNOW your delusions are delusions. That's probably a good sign in terms of your mental health. But a bad sign in terms of your cognitive reasoning abilities. (We already knew this, though.)

I did not need to make up a fictional stalker who is so stereotypical, it's almost funny. But I thank you for the compliment. Obviously if you think I invented him to confirm what I've been saying on my blog, then my assessment was 100% spot-on.

You obviously don't care about the truth, but nevertheless, I will post screenshots of his comments with his IP address on my Instagram for 24 hours or so.

I feel so sorry for you. I have all these amazing things in my life, and it seems all you have is me and your weird little delusions.

Zeph
10/30/2021 02:26:11 am

I do get your point that a randomly chosen woman in the US is statistically more likely to be killed by a romantic partner than by a total stranger. About 3 times as likely.

It can be a good consideration in dealing with inculcated irrational fear.

But there's something missing. The stats are based on having zero information about a randomly chosen American woman, so you have to take broad averages across radically different situations. Those averages only apply if either the risk is uniformly distributed across all American women, or there is no information about a specific woman which might affect her personal risk.

Let's divert for a moment to another statistic. About half of marriages end in divorce. But it's not evenly distributed. 2nd and 3rd marriages are more likely than first marriage to so end. People with higher IQ are less likely to divorce. People with higher socio-economic class have lower divorce rates. Divorce rates vary by geographic area, religion, race, age at time of marriage, etc. So if one knows the other factors like these for an individual (like oneself or a friend), the average rates are not an accurate assessment of personal risk of divorce.

Regarding the romantic partner side. Of course the overwhelming majority of women are not killed by their partners, it's statistically quite rare - and the cases that do occur are not evenly distributed among the population. The subset of women in abusive relationships account for the large bulk of the murders, from my understanding, and there are usually signs well before a fatal incident. If you are in such a relationship, your danger from a partner is much higher than average; if you are in a non-abusive relationship your partner is much lower. It will also vary by age, social class, geographic area, occupation, and many other factors. If you know any of that additional information and ignore it, you are miscomputing the danger from a partner - the "lumped average" is not a good predictor for a specific woman like yourself.

Or put another way, some men are far more dangerous than others, and some women associate with those men far more than others do. The risks of partner violence are not even distributed across the population of all women.

And on the danger from strangers, that too is not evenly distributed.

A homeless woman living in a tent under a bridge may be at rather higher risk of assault, than a middle class woman living in a nice neighborhood. The CDC can lump these together with many other circumstances to give a broad average across all life situations, but you have crucial information about yourself which makes those broad averages inapplicable. You know whether you personally live under a bridge or in a low crime neighborhood, and it's not sensible to ignore important known information and assume every woman has the same risks.

I suspect that a women traveling alone in a van or 5th wheel has a different risk profile from strangers, than the broad average across all lifestyles.

My point is that this "additional information about you as a not randomly chosen person" may change both the risk of partner violence (if you were traveling with a partner) and the risk of stranger violence - by much more than a factor of 3.

You hint at this yourself, suggesting that there might be differences between living in a van and a 5th wheel. But there are hundreds of things which affect your personal risk - every time you decide where to camp for the night, you are changing your risk level compared to the broad US-wide population of women.

From how you present yourself on this blog, I would guess that you would be unlikely to stay with an abusive partner and that your risk of partner violence is substantially lower than average. And in traveling alone, your risk from strangers may well be higher than the broad average. Just as the chances of opening the front door of your house to find somebody standing there waiting for you is probably lower than your experience traveling in an RV.

So I believe that your assuming that broad averages across tens of millions of women determine your personal relative risk of partner versus stranger homicide (or rape or robbery or assault) is faulty. It's along the lines of stereotyping as a cognitive pitfall - assuming that every member of some group has the same characteristics as the group average, and ignoring known or knowable individual differences.

----

Perhaps even more relevant is the point somebody else made - you face a lot more risks than just homicide, which is pretty rare. You have to take all of those risks (weighted by relative probabilities) into account, not just homicide. There are far more accidents than homicides, so improving your chances of surviving an accident by 20% could potentially have much more net safety gain than reducing an already minute risk of homicide by 70%.

In any case, aafe journeys!

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Eva Glasrud link
11/2/2021 09:29:33 am

I do agree with all of this. I obviously oversimplified to make a point: it's so rare for women to be murdered by strangers, it's just not even really a rational fear. I hate the businesses that have sprung up around encouraging women to live in fear of stranger danger, when, if we're being rational, a much better thing to tell women to do is be assertive and set boundaries -- even if the person being inappropriate is their boss, friend, or boyfriend.

I wrote this post because everyone kept asking me if I felt less safe because of the Gabby Petito thing, and I was just like, No. Not even a little

Ironically, the guy commenting above as Anthony about how I shouldn't put myself in danger is probably currently the greatest threat to my safety. Dude camped next to me for one night, then became obsessed. As I told him, one of the smartest things I can possibly do as a female RVer is not discuss my travel plans, even with someone who seems normal when you first meet, because you never know who is going to turn out to be a psycho. I sleep SO much better knowing this guy can't find me, because it would be really annoying to have to clean his blood and skull fragments out of my RV.

And on that note. I'll be writing a post soon about how certain men get their little panties all up in a bunch when women talk about defending themselves against male violence. I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts on the topic.

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    Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power.  Read more >


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