Just because you're on the spectrum or neurodivergent, doesn't mean you have a right to be creepy.

Life isn't fair.

Most of us have known this since we were children. Life isn't fair — and that's just so unfair.

One example of life not being fair that's come up a few times, lately, is the fact that flirting with women is harder for people with autism or who are otherwise neurodivergent. ​

The reason it's been coming up is that I've written a couple of posts about how creepy men who don't want to come across as creepy anymore can be less creepy. These posts include: 

• What Men Don't Understand When They Complain, "It's Only Creepy If The Guy Isn't Hot."
• "Creepy" Isn't About Attractiveness. It's About Reciprocity.
• That Overused Comic About "Double Standards" Actually Means the OPPOSITE Of What Dudes Think It Does

In short, the main takeaways from these articles are: 


1. Flirting is fun when reciprocated and mutually enjoyable.

2. Flirting is creepy when it is not reciprocated and mutually enjoyed. 

3. Pretending that the "exact same behavior" is either seen as flirting or harassment depending on the guy's attractiveness is TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT, because it COMPLETELY erases the woman's agency in the situation. 

If she's not flirting back and the guy continues hitting on her, he is ABSOLUTELY NOT doing the "exact same thing" as a guy who is flirting with a woman who is showing interest and reciprocation. 

The one is making creepy, unwanted advances. The other is flirting. HUGE difference. 

If you don't understand the difference — if you don't see why a woman needs to be an enthusiastic partner in order for your flirting not to be creepy, then THAT IS WHY YOU ARE CREEPY. 

Your problem isn't your social skills. It's your lack of human decency. 

​One or more of my articles must have been shared on some kind of autism forum recently, because I've received a few comments and notes — enough that I wanted to address them in this post. 

A few individuals have reached out simply to lament, It's really hard to flirt when you're neurodivergent, and it's not fair. 

I totally agree. Flirting and dating are tricky even when you don't have differences that make it difficult to pick up on verbal and nonverbal cues. It sucks and is not fair that it's so much harder for some people than it is for others. 

The best book I've read on this topic, and one I'd love to hear your thoughts on if you're part of the neurodivergent community, Olivia Fox Cabane's The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism:
​

The Charisma Myth correctly states that social skills are just that: skills. Some people learn them easily and automatically, with little to no conscious effort. Others — even those who aren't on the spectrum — have to put active, conscious study into developing social skills and situational awareness. 

Again, yes. It is unfair that some people need to read and practice these skills. But life isn't fair, and I'm sure you have your share of unfair advantages and privilege in this world, too. 

If you have the willingness to work on your social skills, you can avoid past mistakes and act in ways that women won't describe as "creepy."

And here's where some of the feedback I've received gets wonky:

Some of the guys who have reached out seem to think that because social skills are hard for them, that they have some kind of right to creep out women — and that if we don't want to feel unsafe or uncomfortable, we are "ableist."

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. 

FIRST OF ALL, if you think you have a "right" to make women uncomfortable, THAT IS EXACTLY WHY YOU ARE CREEPY.

The problem isn't your social skills. It's your lack of humanity and human decency. Yes, you have a disability. That sucks! However, your disability doesn't mean I deserve to feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Your disability doesn't mean I have to endure your creepy comments about my body or inappropriate touches. 

If you make me uncomfortable, I get the fuck out. I don't wait around to see if someone whose behavior indicates a lack of respect for (or awareness of) my boundaries, dignity, or safety, is going to hurt me. 

​I get the fuck out. I scream no in his face. I tell him to leave me alone and get his hands off of me. 

I don't care about your feelings. I care about my safety. 

And here's a little hint: if I'm screaming at you, it's not because I'm crazy or mean or unreasonable. It's because you are.

​As I wrote in ​If a Girl You Were Hitting On Was Rude to You, It's Probably Your Fault:

The vast majority of people are kind. The vast majority of women want to be seen as polite -- and therefore, are inclined to let you down gently, whether through an apologetic, "I have a boyfriend," or through nonverbal signals of disinterest. 

... If you want to ever have a girlfriend, then you need to learn how to pay attention to women's cues, verbal and nonverbal. If you don't, all women will hate you and think you are creepy. 

Because of your bad behavior and lack of social skills, a polite, "No thanks," is going to turn into an angry, "LEAVE. ME. ALONE." Then you're going to scurry back to your little forum to cry about how cruel and mean and unfair women are to you, all because you have narrow shoulders or whatever. 

​It's not your shoulders. It's your creepy disregard for her boundaries. Read more >

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If I had to yell at you, you fucked up. 
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It is unsettling to me how many people have commented or emailed to suggest women endure danger, objectification, and discomfort, just because someone else is on the spectrum. For example, this comment:

DB

"And she shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable and objectified by some creepy dude she doesn't even like just because you were too lazy or emotional to examine and correctly interpret the interactions."

And what about guys with legitimate social disabilities, like high-functioning autism or Asperger's Syndrome? Guys who, through no fault of their own, have their brains hardwired in such a way that being able to examine and interpret other people's emotions is vastly more difficult than "normal" people. To aspies, the author's above comment is basically abelist.
​

No, DB. It's not "ableist" to want to feel safe. But your creepy male entitlement is showing. 

Then there's Doubter:

​
Feelings do not equal truth. White people used to feel like black people are dangerous. Just because a woman feels creeped out does not mean the other person is necessarily being creepy. And, remember, racism in social interactions continues even today. So does classism: e.g., sometimes a poor man in tatters might seem more creepy than rich guy in silk suit. Ableism: What about someone on the autism spectrum who means absolutely no harm but is socially inept?

Yes. Feelings can be wrong. But it would be outrageously stupid not to remove yourself from a creepy or dangerous situation because you might be "wrong" about feeling unsafe. 

I don't give a shit whether someone "means me absolutely no harm but is socially inept." I'm not a magical, miracle, mind reading fortune teller. All I have to go on, to decide if I am safe or not, if your behavior. If YOU are acting creepy, YOU are the problem, not me.

Also, on the topic of male entitlement: it's not my job to educate and rehabilitate someone who is socially inept. You're not entitled to my affection or attention, just because you're on the spectrum. It's not women's job to do the emotional labor of educating someone they don't know and don't feel comfortable around.

Figure out what you're doing wrong, and stop doing it. Otherwise, like I said, your problem isn't your social skills. It's your humanity. 

I've received several other notes and comments that are similarly creepy and bizarre... as well as a few that are a little more reasonable. For example, Danny wrote: 

I'm 30, I am diagnosed with Asperger's, and I have never had a girlfriend in my life and that makes me sad. I suck at socializing, I have been very clumsy with women in the past, and my confidence couldn't be any lower than it is.

I get why women may have perceived me as "creepy" and undesirable in the past, but I never meant to be those things. In fact I have always tried very hard to improve and be a better man. I'm always striving to be more attractive and socially calibrated. I have made progress, but apparently not enough because women still treat me poorly and avoid me.

Having said all that, women don't help the situation. You talk about reciprocity and flirting with people who are reciprocating. You make it sound so easy! I have studied women's body language and signs of interest for years and I still can't read women. Most of the ways women "flirt" are vague and leave them with the benefit of plausible deniability. They can flirt as much as they want and say they were just being friendly and it's the guy's fault for misreading the signals.
​

So.... you see the difference between Danny and DB and Doubter, right? 

DB and Doubter are all, "We're creepy, but we're disabled, so suck it up and sacrifice your safety and comfort, ladies!"

Danny is all, "I am trying to improve, and here is why it's hard."

Of the three of them, Danny is the one I'd be most likely to date, because he's the only one who seems mature and adult enough to take accountability for his mistakes and try to improve. The others just make excuses and whine — and this is a VERY unattractive trait in men. 

I'll add, Danny, that you are not alone in being confused about whether and when women are flirting. As I wrote in ​We Tell Girls to "Look Out For Each Other" At Parties. Boys Should Be Looking Out For Each Other, Too:

Several psychology studies show that, even sober, men tend to assume women are flirting much more often than they actually are. Basically any instance of a woman smiling and making eye contact (what women would call "basic human courtesy and politeness") is considered a sign of sexual interest.

​

Most men are terrible at knowing when women are flirting, regardless of whether or not they're on the spectrum. 


Then there's CG's message, which, while not creepy and entitled, highlights the fact that life is just not fair. 

If everyone shuts a person out, they have no hope to learn regardless of how eager they are to do so. Socializing, like my profession as a software developer, must come from real experience – just as you could spend literally hundreds of hours parsing the documentation of a certain programming language, package, library etc. and still have no idea how to actually write and deploy a functioning application, you can read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” a thousand times, but  it will do less for you than 5 minutes of actually socializing.  


This prompts the obvious response of “well, that’s not my problem.” In fact, you already convey a similar sentiment in your aforementioned reply to another user on your site, and I won’t disagree with that. That’s entirely your right and it would be contradictory to my own values not to respect that. That said, consider that, as diverse and complex as humans are, such a knee-jerk reaction is quite typical. The end result for those on the receiving end of such an interaction is therefore the Catch-22, where nobody wants to give you a chance because you failed their frivolous social test, and you can’t figure out how to pass said test because the only way to do so is to practice your social skills, and to practice your social skills... 

I’m not telling you that you need to give a chance to someone you aren’t attracted to, nor will I go on some ridiculous tirade on how “it’s LITERALLY illegal in 2021 to not be a 10/10 6’3” chad alpha male on his gorillionaire grindset etc. etc.” or God knows what. I’m simply asking that you put an effort into genuinely understanding the perspectives of those on the autism spectrum.

​

I do see the perspective. It sucks, it's not fair, and I feel deep empathy for anyone who is struggling to connect socially. If I could solve any problem with the snap of my fingers, it would probably be loneliness (which is why I've spent so much time writing about it). I see the Catch-22: the only way to improve your social skills is through practice, but because you need to improve your social skills, most people won't want to practice with you.

(Two REALLY easy rules for getting started, though: 1. Keep your hands to yourself. It's very creepy to touch people who don't want to be touched. 2. Don't make comments about her body or appearance. That violates social convention and is seen as creepy by most women. These are both very easy rules to follow if you actually care about not creeping out women.)

It sucks. It's not fair. But I see hope for men like CG, because they are learning and trying. By practicing their social skills, identifying and ceasing problematic behaviors, and developing other parts of themselves (because people are more likely to accept the bad/difficult/awkward when the good is better — see also: Girls Don't Like Guys BECAUSE They're Jerks. They Like Them DESPITE Being Jerks), there is definitely hope for improvement and meaningful connection. 

But I'm not going to apologize for saying women should absolutely never be told or expected to endure discomfort or danger to appease or "affirm" someone else.

The sooner you get this idea out of your head, the sooner women will stop calling you creepy.