To all the hundreds of men who say "women will never be attracted to me" - Here's what you're doing wrong.
As anyone who follows my blog or Facebook knows, the two posts that consistently get the most views per month are
What Men Don't Understand When They Complain, "It's Only Creepy If The Guy Isn't Hot
"Creepy" Isn't About Attractiveness. It's About Reciprocity.
Due to these posts, I get a handful of private notes and comments thanking me for my encouragement and advice (some formerly creepy guys even have girlfriends now!)... and dozens of butthurt, defensive incels who are mad that I'd give them some basic advice about how to not come across as creepy.
After receiving maybe the 100th comment from a man who claims he's determined that no woman will ever find him attractive, so he's just going to give up, I decided to make a post out of the reply I have to keep typing.
Here's my reply:
Doug, there are 4 billion women on this planet. Surely there are at least a handful who would love you.
The developmental feedback I can give you is limited, because I don't actually know you. But here is what I know:
Women love confidence. It's not about cockiness and arrogance and dickheadedness (see also: Girls Don't Like Guys BECAUSE They're Jerks. They Like Them DESPITE Being Jerks).
It's about autonomy and agency. From an evolutionary perspective, confidence mens that you know you can shape and influence the world around you, whether to protect a pregnant partner or keep her fed and nourished while she is breastfeeding her baby or figure out a way to keep your family alive during a famine.
Speaking of cavemen, if you haven't read George Saunders' Pastoralia, you should. It's amusing -- but it's not as good as Sea Oak, but that's okay, because it's included in the same collection.
When you say, "I’ve concluded that I’m simply not able to be sexually attractive to any woman," etc., you're indicating helplessness. This is the opposite of confidence, and the least attractive thing a man can be to a woman.
If you don't think you can approach a woman without creeping her out, then FIX IT.
Follow the advice in the very article you are commenting on!
Can you honestly not start a conversation with a woman without making an unsolicited comment about her body or violating her personal space?
Can you honestly not just talk to her about the latest space launch, Bulls game, or whatever interests you, without leering creepily at her?
Can you honestly not show interest in what another person is saying and ask good follow-up questions without, like, groping her?
I don't believe that you ARE helpless. I believe that you FEEL helpless, and that is what is so repulsive to women. We're kind of experts at detecting helplessness, because it would be really bad to get knocked up by a helpless male.
Do you have the willingness to change this?
If not... maybe keep hanging out with women just as friends, because you're right -- no one will ever be attracted to you.
But if you do, then start working on it.
Don't double down and get defensive like an ornery little boy. Be willing to learn. Be willing to improve. Be an actual adult with actual agency, instead of a child with a temper.
Obviously the first thing you need to do is learn to be more socially aware and comfortable to be around, so you should order and read every page of Olivia Fox Cabane's The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Connection.
Next, you need to learn find an evidence-based therapist who uses cognitive behavioral therapy, and who is willing to call you out on your shit.
Don't just randomly pick a therapist, because there are a lot of bad ones out there. Before or at your first meeting, tell the therapist that you are not interested in regurgitating childhood trauma or whatever Freudian bullshit, but that you want to actively come up with strategies to recognize and change dysfunctional social behaviors.
Remember: if you can't get a date and women are calling you creepy, you are obviously doing things wrong, and it would be helpful to have someone help you figure out what.
One thing to keep in mind: if you're struggling with depression and the therapist recommends SSRIs, you need to have a serious discussion about whether this is the best option for you. SSRIs can kill your sex drive and cause sexual dysfunction, which is obviously going to mess up your motivation and willingness to date.
Another book you will find very useful is Byron Katie's Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.
Katie lays out several strategies for cognitively reframing negative thoughts and finding the person you could be without these toxic and untrue beliefs.
If you're already mad. If you're already disagreeing with me. If you already know that none of this advice will help you...
That is why you are repulsive to women.
You are helpless. You are unwilling to grow and improve.
And there is no reason any woman should expect this part of you to magically change just because she started dating you.
You need to take accountability for your own mistakes and growth.
Or nothing will ever change for you and you will always be alone.
About the Author
Eva is a content specialist with a passion for play, travel... and a little bit of girl power. Read more >
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